Transportation Responsibilities When Kids' Friends Move Out of Town

Updated on February 23, 2012
J.B. asks from Boston, MA
13 answers

So my SD used to live with her mom in a town that's about 45 minutes away from us. She spent every weekend with us and had friends here, but we also made it a point to have her invite her friends from school to our house for weekend visits, her birthday party etc. every now and again. Because we had to pick her up anyway, we always picked up her friends too and ended up then also driving round trip to bring them home, even if SD wasn't going home at the same time and we had to make the trip again a day later.

Well she moved in with us FT over a year ago and still has some of her old friends, which is great. The problem is that transportation is still 100% on us. If she gets invited to a friend's house, we drop her off and pick her up, 90 minutes round trip each time. If her friends come to our house...we pick them up and drop them off too. Her friends' parents are all aware that she doesn't live in town any more, that we don't normally go there anymore and yet not one of them has ever offered to drive one way or even meet us halfway. I don't know if they're being ignorant and taking advantage of us or if it just never occurred to them. My husband is normally the one to make arrangements. He says that he doesn't volunteer to drive and that the other parents will say things like "OK so what time will you pick her up?" or "OK she can come over but needs to be brought back home by X o'clock."

Is there a polite way to bring this up and suggest meeting halfway or splitting the transportation duties? Or should we continue to be the livery service for their children because that's how it's always been? If one of your kids' friends moves away, do you assume that the family who moved is totally responsible for transportation during visits? The kids are 14 so in theory, it's only a few more years before they'll be able to drive themselves.

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A.H.

answers from Hartford on

I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask the other parent(s) to meet you at a half- way point! I would just ask the question at the beginning of the arrangement negotiations: "would you be able to meet us at a half-way point?"

We are in a similar situation and it seems to work well. Good luck!

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

I got roped into doing all the driving though it was ten minutes each way usually. I finally talked to people and said "I will pick the kids up at x. What time do you want to pick her up at our house?" It worked in every case except one.

Only one family had a problem with it and I later dumped them totally.
I explained to my daughter why. They were constantly not doing the right thing and using anyone they could. She doesn't even miss the girl.

2 moms found this helpful
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V.M.

answers from Boston on

I think this is a fine line situation - and I remember having this issue with a friend who only lived on the other side of town who's mom never drove her anywhere and my mother (who worked) finally just refusing to pick her up anymore (which I found very unfair). I would say next time the opportunity comes up to speak with one of the parents you just say "ok that's great - I'm just really stuck for time because of x - is there anyway you could meet me half way" - if you start introducing the idea then surely one of the parents will cop on and offer. The confusion may be if you guys are always inviting the friends over - they may think, well you've invited them, you pick them up? But it's not fair on you having to always be the taxi. Just bring it up casually and see if that gets a helpful response!

1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

With the next invitation I would say "We'd love to have Suzy over this weekend. Can you bring over Friday night or sometime Saturday?" Or "If you bring Suzy by this weekend, we would be happy to bring her home."

1 mom found this helpful

✤.J.

answers from Dover on

Personally, if it was my kid staying at someone else's house, I would drive them & pick them up. If it's someone else being invited to stay with us, it's up to their parents to get them there & bring them home. I would just explain that your situation changed & while it used to make sense for you to pick everyone up, it no longer does.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.C.

answers from Washington DC on

If you don't mention this then the other parents don't know its an issue. I would suggest that one pick up the other drop off. We moved to VA when ours was 16 and the only time she got to see her friends was when we went back to MD to visit because we made it clear that we would not make the hr drive there and back unless the other parents contributed.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I suggest that it's up to you to suggest whatever plan you want. Of course we don't have a long distance to drive but when I'm planning a play date for my granddaughter I will say "if you'll bring her over, I'll bring her home." Or you could ask if they could bring her over or vice versa. You could suggest meeting half way.

I suggest that they are not taking advantage of you. If you offer and don't ask to share then it's just natural to accept your offer, especially when it's such a long distance.

I do think it's possible that these families do not want to drive that distance and when you suggest sharing transportation they'll not want to do it.

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L.E.

answers from Provo on

I just tell the other parents, "I can drop her off but I can't pick her up. (or vice versa) Would you be able to make a trip?" If they say no then we don't do it.

K.L.

answers from Medford on

I would stop offering the visits and stop the transporting. Have any of those parents invited your child to their home and offered to come get her and bring her home? If not, then you are being used as a free babysitter and they are probably thrilled to have their kid gone for a few days at your expense. Let them chat online, on the phone and skype or whatever, but I would stop being walked on by the others. Maybe in the summer or on a school break you can go get the friends. Maybe every few months, but I wouldnt be doing this too often.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

You just need to bring it up when you make the arrangements. They are used to you doing the driving and may not realize that NOW it's an issue.

When you call to make the arrangements, tell them that you would appreciate it if they could meet you half way or drive one way. They will probably be okay with it; they just didn't think about it because you've always done the transporting. This doesn't have to be a big deal. Just open your mouth.

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J.T.

answers from New York on

You are definitely entitled to ask people to meet halfway or split it up etc. Friends of my daughter moved away and we're really good about taking turns doing the drive. Next time she's invited, say great but we have xyz to do so can't do the drive both ways as usual, can they drive one way? Totally legit. If they're complete aholes and say no, then you have to figure out how much you want to help your SD out. I assume she has friends now where you are and it's been a year so maybe for one special friend keep doing it but sounds like enough is enough.

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

They may just be ignorant. So, next time the girls plan to meet I would have dad (or you) call and say, "It's a really long trip for us to get out there, how about if we meet at _______ to drop off and _______ to pick up?"
L.

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

If your husband makes arrangements he can say "You know since Sally lives with us full time now, we aren't regularly driving to your town to pick her up and bring her here like we used to, are you willing to split up the driving with us when the girls want to get together?"

At 14, don't the girls themselves initiate asking if they can get together? Ordinarily, I think the person being invited over should be responsible for their transportation unless it is offered. Since you live so far apart, though, it wouldn't be out of line at all to suggest spliting the driving.

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