When Is It Okay to Say "No"? Helping Other Moms Is Hurting This One!

When I start to feel like I am living in, instead of reading, the book "When You Give a Mouse a Cookie". Then I know I need to pull back.

Do I feel guilty? As long as I say it kindly and firmly, no I do not.

Probably because I've learned that they always find another way to get a cookie.

Saying "no" helps them be better planners :-).

Just say no. Really, you can. And it is ok to say no when you just don't want to do something.

As for how to say it "I'm sorry, as much as I'd love to help, I can't. I hope you can work something else out." You don't have to give specific reasons. If they push (which would be totally rude, but some will), just repeat yourself "I understand that you are in a bind, but I can't help you." or if they ask why (again, rude) "I have other commitments."

Your other commitment may well be a commitment to yourself not to go insane. Or your commitment may be a commitment to yourself that you'll no longer do things that you just don't want to do. Those are valid commitments and you don't have to explain.

When is it okay to say no? When it stops working for you.
They are taking the mile because you don't say no.
Stand up for yourself... you did not create their children, you are not the sole solver of their problems. If they want someone to drive their kids around, maybe they should hire a person to do that.

I can't imagine making myself crazy over this. Saying no is not an offensive thing to do. "Oh, that really doesn't work for us anymore, you will need to find a new arrangement"... and that's that. If they have the money for their kids to be going thither and yon for this lesson and that practice, they can hire some help or take their own time off work.

When is it OK to say no? All the time. Any time.

If someone truly needs help in a real jam -- sickness in the family so a parent has to take kid one off to the doctor and needs to get kid two a ride somewhere else, for instance -- then of course you want to help and should, if you possibly can.

Everything else you describe sounds truly like it's inconsiderate of others to ask it of you. Kids across town and therefore utterly not even near your own routes? "Sorry, that won't work for us." Kinder kid being dropped off at your house for what is actually an hour of babysitting before school? "Sorry, that won't work for us." Three boys at two locations etc.? "Sorry, that won't...." You get it. If people ask why, first, they have no right to do so, but you can sincerely say, "Our family's stretched to the max" on transportation for your own kids. It seems as if you're reluctant to say those words but they are the truth, and any parent who asks to know more is -- to be really frank -- clueless about how they're using you.

I would just tell parents who are using you for regular rides that as of day X the rides end. "We've looked at our schedules and it's just not working for us to take Jenny to school in the mornings/pick Danny up after scouts and bring him home/whatever. Sorry about that, but we're redoing our runs, and I can continue this week and next but as of May 18 we can't give him/her/them rides to/from any longer."

Be cheery, be firm, but don't cave on the ending date of anything that's become a regular run and which you want to end.

Like many, many women and moms, you likely do just want to help other people and want to be nice and say yes whenever you possibly can, but saying no to transporting others' kids is fine and does not make you a bad or unhelpful person. Put your family first. Don't make excuses for why, other than it's not working for you and you're stretched. Anyone who pesters you for more reasons or tries to tell you that they just can't manage unless you do what you're doing -- they're not actual friends, and they have come to take you for granted. And I'm not saying THEY are bad people, just that they have become thoughtless because you kept saying yes and they assumed you had nothing else to do.

You can make this happen if you can paste on a smile and be firm and NOT get drawn into conversations or negotiations about "Could you give Sally a ride to X just that one week--?"

"When," you ask?

You answered in the second sentence of your post title. When helping others starts to hurt you or impact your life or your family life in a negative way, it's time to say no.

You don't need any excuse or reason. It just isn't working for you anymore. You say "stretched to the max" as if it were some minor thing to be defended or excused. It's not. It's the way your life is right now, and you need offer no excuses to anyone for that. It just is.

If you offer reasons or excuses, there will always be counters from the people who want you to continue. If you offer to continue to do every other Monday, you know from previous experience that it will turn into every Monday. So stop.

You have every right to have peace in your family and to have a manageable schedule for YOUR family. It is not your responsibility to take on every other family's transportation issues. It IS your responsibility to take care of your family and set an example of healthy boundary-setting for your children. Remember, there will be times in their lives when they will have to say "no" to others for various reasons, and you want them to know and see that saying "no" is not a bad thing.

"Diane, this arrangement is just not working for our family. Starting on ______ (pick a reasonable date), you will have to have another plan for Janie's transportation." Repeat as necessary, but do not offer excuses.

Take care of you and your family and see what positive changes come.

Wishing you the best.

"You do NOT need to justify your "no". You just need to say it"

what she said

I find that when I request some sort of reciprocation ----favors stop being asked of me.

You can and should say no if it is interfering with your sanity. If it is something you can not do without a lot of added stress then say no. Be upfront and honest. "I can not do this because it is too much for me to do, I am sorry." "This is not working for our family. I am sorry I can not do this any more."
I used to be that person that would take on way more than I could do without stressing myself out completely. I finally learned to say no without any guilt. It takes practice but you can get there.

You don't need permission to say no. You need to put the needs of your family at the top of the list. If you can help another mom, great. But if helping another mom means putting her needs before the needs of your family, it's time to rethink the situation.

It was okay to say "no" the first time this happened! You don't need an excuse! The guilt is something you are putting on yourself. And I'm a lot like you, so I understand! I got worn out, feeling totally stretched, and then getting resentful. I don't know why I used to think it was a reflection on me if I didn't do these things.

Try any of these:

"No, I'm sorry, I can't."
"No, sorry, I just can't. My mornings are turning into a track meet."
"No, sorry, I'm stretched to the max with my own family's needs."
"No, sorry - it's turning into a regular thing and I don't have the time."
"No, sorry - it's so far out of my way and I don't have time."
"No, sorry. Good luck, hope you find someone. Bye."

Stop BEFORE you give a list of things that are on your plate so it doesn't turn into a contest of who has the most responsibilities. Kids don't HAVE to have after school activities, remember, so it's not your job to get someone else's children to programs.

Kids can take the bus unless they are officially within walking distance, in which case they can (gasp!) walk. Parents can trade with each other, not just put it all on someone who doesn't seem to mind. If another mom has a rip-roaring flu just once, that's one thing. But that's not what's happening to you. You're in the "G. doesn't mind" cycle. Time to break it.

You do NOT need to justify your "no". You just need to say it.

It is ok to say no to ALL these scenarios. Just say it no longer works for you to pick up these kids and take them home. They can take the bus, go into an after school program, hire a babysitter...so many options. The mom can drop her Kindergartener off at the early morning program at school or at a before school day care program. They bus the kids to school each day. The kids can even get breakfast there or at school. Please start putting yourself first more often in life. Call these people up and say, so sorry but it no longer works for me to do this. I'll give you a couple weeks to find new arrangements. Give them a list of numbers if they feel like they cannot figure it out themselves. In the future when someone asks you a favor and it's hard for you to say no...say, let me think about this and get back to you. That will give you a little time to figure out what you are going to say. Good luck.

You have to sit down and look at your schedule and what works for you. If, and I mean if it is not going out of your way to pick up a kid or two and cart them around fine. But if it is causing problems then stop. It is not your responsibility to take other peoples' children and get them to their designated spots or activities that is on their parents.

The only reason people are taking a mile is because you let them. Let the mom or dad know that as of x day you will no longer be able to cart Little Johnnie or Suzie to the gym. This gives the parent time to find someone else to do the job. You do not need to explain yourself. You tell that it is not working anymore period. Don't feel bad about saying NO. Of course they will be upset at first but they will get over it. No need to stretch yourself so thin that you are angry or snap at your own children because of decisions that you made to help someone else out.

Are any of these people paying you for gas or at least offering to pay for gas? Does your insurance know you are carrying other people's children like a taxi? Look into liability about transporting other peoples children. This might be the hook that you need to get out of it.

Good luck.

the other S.

PS This is your life and you are in control of it. Take back the control.

I think the bigger question is - why are you doing so much for others in the first place? Did you volunteer? If so - why? And if you just can't say no - ask yourself why you can't say no.

I have a hard time saying no if put on the spot. But I do the "Sorry, that just doesn't work for me" thing. If they get offended - I can't control that. One friend I had used to ask me for favors. And I felt she'd be upset with me if I said no. Well .. my husband pointed out "Then is she a friend?" and I realized she wasn't.

We reciprocate helping out friends. I think that's very different from what you are doing. Ask yourself, as Dr. Phil would say, what you are getting from this arrangement. I find that question very helpful when I've let a situation develop that I'm not really ok with.

good luck :)

I'm exhausted just reading your post.
I would've said 'No' a long time ago.
You don't have to explain yourself.
If anyone asks you "Can you drive Bobby to <what ever>?".
You respond with "No, that's not going to work for me. Sorry but I can't help you.".
That's all - end of sentence.
It doesn't matter if you're driving anywhere else, or going straight home to soak in a nice bubble bath - you don't have to volunteer info or reasons or excuses.
It must be costing you a lot in gas.
And traffic drives me nuts - I'd be expanding the kids vocabulary WAY TOO MUCH the way I talk about traffic when I'm driving.
Just get good at saying "Sorry but I can't help you" - in fact - try going a whole month not trading any favors with anyone.
Eventually - people will not ask you so much.
They'll find someone else to take advantage of and move on.
GOOD!

Are you just thinking out loud, or do your REALLY think you need to ask other people for permission to not do the impossible?

For goodness sake, stop the insanity! No you don't pick up kids across town. You take care of your own family. The mother with the kindergartner can find someone else who she PAYS to take her child to school. You let the parents of the boys get their kids home after school. There are school buses, you know.

And why do you need to give an excuse? What is wrong with saying "I'm stretched too thin as it is and I just can't. Sorry."

The reason they are taking a mile is because you give a mile. Not because you give an inch. You are an easy mark. Stop being an easy mark.

It's ok to just say no. If you feel like you need to say more add, "That just won't work for our family." I often will say that we have plans. I just don't say that the plan is to pick up the kids and go home.

It's important for us as humans to put ourselves first sometimes. Life has to be balanced. If not, chaos breaks out. It's okay to say no. It really is. Tell the individual that you are burned out and need 'me' time. If they don't understand then there was never any gratitude and having ungrateful people in any part of your life is exhausting. It will hurt you in the end.

You have to figure out who truly has a need and who is just a user.

When you are this frazzled because you are trying to help others.... Then you must realize that you have allowed yourself to be a doormat.

Practice saying "no". It's ok to say no! Remember your priorities... Your children and family.

That seems like a lot to me. Mornings are off limits for us, so I wouldn't have agreed to that in the first place. It's a good day when I can get my two to get ready on time without a fight, so I wouldn't be adding in another kiddo to the mix. I love to pick up friends and drop them off for activities if it works for my schedule, but I wouldn't be saying yes to picking up kids from school and driving them across town - unless it was an emergency situation for the parents and they have limited options. I love helping others, but it sounds like you're putting the needs of others before your own family and yourself.

You need to see who really has a need. Going across town to pick up kids? No, no way. Stopping on the side of the road that you are already going down? Sure, why not. If the kids are good and don't bother you then doing something like that isn't really any bother. It's really not. But if you are having to find them, get them in and seated and they're slow, etc...then it's a hassle that you don't need.

You do have a right to say no. Just tell them you are already doing as much as you can and be done. If it's a real need and you can let someone else stop then switch it up a bit.

School will be out in a few weeks though and you'll have more time.

It's okay to say "No" and not give a reason.
The only reason you need is "I don't want to."