Too Nice MIL

I suggest counseling to find out why does niceness bother you? It would be interesting for you to find out...

Maybe you should be the first to speak. When you go downstairs say "good morning, mil. I slept wonderfully. Baby and I are feeling fabulous. I didn't enjoy my trip to the mall yesterday but that's okay. Jorge's doing just great." Etc.

Tell her the food is great before she asks.

You are annoyed which is fine but you better get used to it. She is making an effort to communicate with you in the one language you share which is not the first language of either of you...that is going to mean variety is lacking.

Do you ever use your husband to translate a broader conversation? Try that.

When your child is born this woman is going to be your savior, mark my words! My own mother is like this and she and I,and her mother were all born here and speak perfect english. We are also "white" with not much of an ethnic background to speak of. However, my mother and this woman are the same and my mother learned it from her mother (I remember my grandmother being like this). It is a personality type and if you are lucky enough to have a person like this in your life, embrace it. YES it is annoying at times. They are very dependent people, insecure (always apologizing), needing of approval (is dinner ok) but its because they are highly self sacrificing people by nature and their pleasure is derived literally by making you happy. To them this means making sure ALL of your needs are met, cleaning, cooking, emotional needs (asking how you are)- everything.

Try to realize that this woman wants to "mother" you, allow her to do it! You will be happier and so will she. When you answer her questions it brings her joy. She really doesn't know what else to say so its up to you. You may feel some guilt for all of this self sacrificing behavior but don't. My mother is 70 years old. When she retired a few years ago (a year after my son was born) she started coming to our house at 6am every morning to start the laundry, clean, walk the dog, take out the garbage and then go to the grocery. I would yell and scream at her to stop doing all of these things and it only upset her. I told her to let the dog walker do it, let the maids do it (who I got rid of), let my husband do it or to let me do it like I had been for all the years in between leaving home and when she retired. Then a day later she'd be back at it.

My son was colicky and I was exhausted and you know what, I let it go. I saw that mothering me makes her happy and I let her do it. I needed the help. I don't complain anymore, I embrace it and enjoy her taking care of me again as much as she enjoys it. She's 70 so I still have some guilt of course. She keeps the conversation on me but I make it a point to ask her how she is and buy her spa services when I can, take her to dinner, etc. I even ask her to run errands for me sometimes and boy does that make her happy.

Regarding your child. This woman will be your go to after you have the baby. Anything you need and she will be there, ready-willing-and able. She is a true mother and you will learn a lot from her, ask her advice as often as you can. Of course she'll probably tell you that she thinks whatever you think but its worth a shot. She'll watch the baby when you want a nap, when you need a shower after being up all night, etc etc. She will take care of that baby like he was her own. She will ask you how you feel when your friends are only asking about the baby. If you want her to do things a certain way with the baby just tell her and she will do whatever you want! Im not saying to take advantage but allow her to be who she is, she will be happier and so will you. You'll need to let go of your privacy hang up anyway once the baby is born. If you get to pee alone you'll be lucky.

Your MIL is a godsend, don't take her for granted. Not many people get this in life when we are older. The language gap is your responsibility, instead of complaining take a class online or at a school and have her help you practice. You are in her home, there is no reason not to learn her language. Bonus- your child can be multi-lingual which is such a plus for brain development!

I learned how to be a good mother from my mom and you can learn from this woman too. Enjoy her!

I think you are all alone on this one.

My ex-MIL would tell my kids what a horrible mom I was to them when I left the house. She lived in MY home rent free for 10 years, always took the time to trash talk me. So if she bothers you so much move out. limit your contact with this nice person.

L., So very often we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is not of the same personality we are. Sometimes this is by choice (making friends outside of our normal boundaries), sometimes by circumstance (marrying into a family).

I have a friend who was very close with an older woman (acquaintance of mine). The older woman became very ill (stroke/diabetic coma) from which she recovered initially, but over time, her mind began to deteriorate. My friend had never had a family member or friend with a mental illness or dementia, and did not know how to handle it.

Her friend, who she had known for years, had changed, and was now saying things that weren't nice, and talking at a level that was very immature, due to the damage that had been done by her illness.

I told my friend, she is still the same person you know & love, but now, instead of being able to be your equal, she needs your help and compassion and understanding. It took some time, but my friend agreed that their relationship was too deep, and made the effort to continue to see her friend, and engage the relationship at the level that her friend was at. She was blessed with one more year of friendship.

The relationship with your MIL seems to be stagnated, because the two of you communicate differently (partially due to the language barrier). You are fortunate to have family that is interested in how you are doing, and I think you are correct, a lot of the difference between you both is culture related.

But the opportunity is there to make it a much deeper, more meaningful relationship. You can answer the questions, and then engage with your MIL by asking questions of your own. Instead of feeling self-conscious in the kitchen, (where it seems that she feels more the hostess & you the guest) perhaps ask if she will show you how to make some of her favorite dishes. This can help bring you onto more level playing field, which might help.

There are two men who ride the bus with me every morning, one is Indian, the other Mexican. They know each other because one will come to the restaurant where the other works for lunch. Both know a handful of phrases in English (how I found out this), but neither speaks the other's language. And yet, I've seen them have conversations on the bus, one speaking Indian (Hindi?) & the other Spanish, and through gestures & such, they are able to communicate! They have developed a friendship, hug daily & look out for each other, it is so sweet.

So don't think that you need to speak Spanish at a certain level to be able to have a greater conversation with your MIL. Best of luck, I hope over time she is able to feel more comfortable around you, & you are able to develop a truer relationship with her. T.

Neither of you are wrong... I can see how it would get annoying but she's also not actually doing anything wrong. So just a bad mix. I like Yarmmatey's suggestion and I'd try to avoid her if I could or are there other times of day you mind less? LIke you're not a morning person so it really grates on you in the morning? If so, try to avoid the kitchen but make an effort in the evening. I think having your husband facilitate a real conversation is a good idea too. If she's a shrink with that education, she's not an idiot. When she asks you 5 times, I can see your reaction being to kind of mumble by the 3rd time. I'd instead look her in the eye the first time she asks, put a hand on hers or her arm if possible and say directly (and nicely, not sarcastically), it's really good. Thank you. THen if she asks again, say "no! I've change my mind since I told you it's really good! I'ts horrible!" and then laugh. Make a joke of it. Give a big smile and say Yes, MIL, it's very good. She may cut down after that. I know when we visited my mother's family she was so annoyed my dad kept asking everyone every day "how are you?" She said they don't do that there!! But we do here! No one was "wrong". So her questions really aren't over the top. Likely you don't enjoy talking to her partly bc of the language issue. I know it's tiring. Try to be patient. Remember she means well. And then honestly move out asap...

You're taking things way to seriously and being too sensitive. She is NOT you and she won't ever be you. So being pissed at her for not being you is counterproductive.

Her english is limited so what little conversation she can make, she's trying to make it. Yes, it's repetitive, but if you only know 100 words, you're going to use them a lot.

You live in the same house, so that's a challenge. If you want to be REALLY independent, then you have to live in your own place. You're paying your own way, but you live with them. The easiest way to not have to deal with the boundary issues is to not live in the same house.

Talk to your husband about the cultural differences and get more info. Maybe there are some blogs about managing cultural differences in marriage. She loves her son, you married him, so she wants to build a relationship with you. That's a gift. Take it that way and find ways to deal with it that work with your personality.

My MIL is similar. She asks more or less the same rotation of questions. I know she means well and her heart is in the right place so it doesn't bother me. She speaks almost no English and I speak almost no Spanish but we manage nonetheless. However, our conversations are limited and very repetitve. There's only so much you can discuss with a handful of words. If we want a deeper conversation, I get my husband involved to translate. Otherwise, I ask him about his culture so I can understand better where my MIL is coming from.

Neither of us minds silence so if we are together, we can do so peacefully. My MIL and I share a love of crafts and sometimes will sit together doing our separate tasks. She enjoys showing me what she's working on and likewise I can share with her what I am doing. It's a neutral ground and from that we have grown closer even without words.

I don't have any words of wisdom but want to encourage you to see what's she's doing as a gesture of kindness and love. Perhaps if you can adjust your view of the situation, you will find her less bothersome. Good luck.

You aren't being bitchy. You are entitled to feel how you feel. You were raised a certain way and it's hard to accommodate people who come from a totally different background.

It's a cultural difference for sure. I've found that most of the Mexican people I've met are very warm and welcoming making you feel like you are important to them right from the first minute you meet. I'm a stand off New Englander so it's a bit alarming. But once I figured out what was going on I was able to adjust and everything is ok.

In this situation you need to make some changes to embrace your mil for who she is. She's making as much of an effort to get to know you as she knows how to do. You need to open your heart to show her that you value her. When you need a cup and she's right there why not put your arm around her shoulder as you reach for it. and say 'I'm sorry. I'll be out of your way in a minute.' When you go to the kitchen ask her how she's doing. How was her day. What she's planning to do. By asking the questions you'll be controling the conversation instead of responding to it.

Trust me on this one. Your mil will be a blessing once you have the baby. Need to rest during the day? She'll watch your little one. Too tired to cook? She'll make sure there's a good meal on the table for you. Just make sure your husband communicates well with his mom to set guildelines.

P.S. Send her over to clean my bathrooms. I'll never complain. lol

I think she's a very socially isolated person.
I kind of feel a bit sorry for her.
Who else does she have to reach out to?
It's culture, language and age and you and she are coming at each other at odd angles.
Have you got a Senior's Center near you that she could get involved in some activities and meet some people her own age?
Even if she only took a class to learn some craft or played a little Bingo she'd be meeting people, working on her language skills and maybe make a friend or two.
She needs something to do - I think she wants to be useful - so find things for her to do that don't bother you.
(I'd be thrilled if ANYONE wanted to clean MY bathroom - but I get that it's pretty personal space and some people aren't comfortable with having others clean it).
You need to find a way to be congenial and yet not have her depending on you to be her only social contact.
Talk to a Senior's Center and see what you can do.

Yes, but in the opposite fashion. I hail from mediterranean stock. We are loud, demonstrative, and have family pouring all over the place all the time. The kids are rambunctious, food is constantly being made, served and eaten. Hospitality is taught early and comes along with learning one's alphabet. Parties start early and end late, and goodbyes take hours. We are all over everyone's business all the time.

I married a Brit, with some German family too.

You can imagine that there is a bit of culture shock.

The thing is, opposites attract, and then can begin to chafe. At first I loved the quiet in their home. The simple dinners with one appetizer, one main, one vegetable and one dessert. The polite but staid conversation. Being allowed to have space. Not being asked how I was, how the food was, how the baby was, if I needed anything, if I needed help with this or that etc etc. The assumption was, I was an adult, and if I wanted to share, I could do so without constant noise and chatter.

At first it was liberating, and a welcome change. Soon though, it grew to feel cold, lonely and isolating.

I came to recognize that I would not, nor should not try to change their home dynamic. I would resent it if anyone asked that of me. I could simply be myself and be respectful and wrap myself with the thought that they were demonstrating love in the way they knew how, although it wasn't the manner I was used to.

Good luck.
F. B.

i hear ya. my MIL is a sweetheart, but the 'niceness' can really take a toll.
i finally had to tell mine 'ma, i know when you say 'whatever you want' you are trying to be accommodating, but what it does is put the entire burden of everywhere we go and everything we do on me, all the time. i don't want to be stuck making all the decisions. please help me out by letting me know what you ACTUALLY would like to eat, or do, or wear.'
she still slips into the 'whatever you want' from time to time, but catches herself, and we both giggle.
i think you need to sit down with yours and, with love, tell her 'MIL, i love how much you care about me. but in the mornings i need some quiet time, with no conversation, before i'm ready to engage with other people and start my day. i need us to have a 'no questions before coffee rule' and then we can chat as much as you like. okay?'
and just make one change at a time. what bothers you the most, the morning interrogation, or what she calls her son (which i think is being a little silly on your part)?
start with the most annoying habit, and work slowly from there.
if you're going to live together for a while, especially with a baby, you need to address the things that make you nut up.
khairete
S.

You sound a lot like me and she sounds a lot like my MIL. My MIL speaks English and doesn't live with me but when we lived in the same town as her and I saw her like every week she seemed to ask the same repetitive questions over and over as well. Drove me crazy. The only thing that helped for me was space. Having my own home and then eventually when we moved away from that town having a 3 hour buffer. I don't even like being around my own family let alone my in laws.

Sorry I can't be of more help, but when personality clashes happen, really the only thing that will help you is some space away from that person especially when its someone who will always be in your life.

Please be sure to get out on your own. Get your alone time. And talk with your husband NOW, before the baby comes, to ensure that he knows there is one thing that is not negotiable and must happen: He must have regular time when the baby is his and his alone to cope with and you get out of the house. Every single week, preferably a few times a week. That is the time for MIL to "help" him more intensely with the baby (not saying he can't handle the baby himself, just that she's his mom, you find her annoying, and her attention to the baby is going to ramp up your hormonal anger at her so get alone time while she and your husband have baby time, so you can be calmer and cooler when it's you and her with the baby).

If your husband does not now know that you need space and privacy, please sit him down and have a long and serious talk about that. Do not frame it in terms of "your mother is the problem." There is an issue, not a problem: The issue is that you are more private than she is. So deal with that issue: Make him understand that unless you get very regular time off you will have problems coping when you are on duty with mom there.

Yarrmatey's advice to anticipate her questions is good, but be sure to give your "answers in advance" with a smile. And I do think that your intense reaction to her is over the top -- are you able to step back from you emotions and see that she is making an effort to communicate and you are viewing it only in the most negative light? Yes, it's repetitive, but if she were silent as a stone all the time and never inquired about your health (while you're pregnant!) or asked about your family, would you be just as angry at her silence and lack of interest? I would wager you would. So...bear in mind that she could instead be criticizing you, picking at your choices, refusing to do any cleaning at all, or taking zero interest in you or your baby. If you can step back from your emotions a little and see it more objectively like that, it could help.

Getting out of these close quarters is what you really need. Look into some other arrangements eventually if you can. I know you said that financially that does not work right now but it should be a definite goal for you and your husband; make it one and work toward it.

Please anticipate that once the baby is born her actions and reactions may be tied to her culture -- if grandmas tend to be very involved and hands-on in her culture, she is going to upset you. Either learn to embrace the help or talk to your husband now about boundaries. The easiest way to have boundaries is not to live under the same roof, but you have to work toward that.

And she's older. She won't be around forever. You say you respect her, and we do all get annoyed by older folks we respect -- just be sure you take some time to try to see how she's reaching out. And take time off by yourself! It's critical that your husband "gets" all this.

In my culture (Canadian) those are the types of questions we would ask of family, friends and co-workers on a daily basis. We are also often described as being overly polite. Anyway, I guess I would find your MIL to be pretty normal. I would be thrilled if my MIL cleaned my house. I do find speaking to people who are just learning English to be exhausting. It sounds to me like you are an introvert and she is an extrovert. Maybe explain that to her.

She's trying to make polite, light conversation (small talk), with a limited vocabulary.
She's an educated professional who most likely isn't practicing her profession right now because she doesn't speak the language well enough to do so. She's not able to contribute financially, so she's providing sweat equity in the form of cleaning.
Cut her some slack.
You could try starting the conversation with something along the lines of "Good morning. Did you sleep well? Would you like me to pour you a cup of coffee while I'm pouring mine?" and let her talk about herself instead of asking you about yourself.

We went on vacation with our family recently for only one week and we almost lost our marbles. It's hard spending so much time with anyone, let alone your in-laws. You sound like you are very patient and kind with her. All you can do it take deep breaths and try not to lose it. Try to get as much alone time as you can, so you can handle those morning questions. She sounds sweet and sounds like she has a morning ritual. Get through it and go on with your day, if you can. It also seems like she doesn't have a lot to say, so she relies on the daily questions to fill the void.

I don't know how to get her to stop cleaning your room and bathroom. I had to finally get my MIL to stop trying to do our laundry when she was visiting, by telling her we are very particular about how what we dry and what we hang. It took a while for her to "get it" though. Sometimes you just want to keep your space yours and not have someone in there poking around. I get it. The only thing I can think of is to try to keep it super clean and picked up, so there is nothing for her to do. A quick daily cleansing might keep her away.

She'll probably be so overly helpful with the baby. That might be nice, but you'll have to try to stay strong and patiently express your needs and boundaries.

That would bug me too. I'm sure it's my problem, but I can't stand being over-coddled. So, you need to move into your own place.

Do you have a tablet or smart phone? Have you tried Google translate? That might be a good way to start having better conversations with her, and it would help you both work on your language skills. It might be a bit of a pain in the a$$, but it could be beneficial.

This woman sounds lovely and is doing the best she can with her limited vocabulary and is trying to be helpful and friendly to you in the only way she knows how. And as one of the posters said 'You will be so blessed when the baby arrives" because she will be a Godsend. She will be busy helping you with the baby and the dynamic of your relationship may very well change for the better.

I would trade my MIL for yours in a heartbeat! However, I do understand how you feel, and I would be annoyed, too - but would also be so grateful that I have a super nice MIL, even though she is a bit overbearing.

What I really think is the problem is what someone else suggested - that your MIL has no social life of her own. She needs to meet people her own age and have her own friends. If she likes to knit, find her a knitting class she can take. But first and foremost, find her an English class to take. Once her English is better, her vocabulary will increase, and hopefully she will find new questions to ask you! Definitely get her involved in the senior center (bingo nights, movie nights, etc.), and start looking for an English class for her today!

Here is my advice regarding how to handle her now (until she starts taking classes and making friends): Don't let her ask you questions in the morning. The moment you walk into the kitchen, YOU need to be the one to ask her some questions, like: "Good morning, mom! (or whatever you call her). Did you have a good night sleep?" It's a beautiful day today! Would you like to go for a walk after breakfast?" Stuff like that. You will blow her mind away with the change in routine. She will be so flabbergasted that you are asking her questions instead of the other way around, that she will probably not ask you anything!!! She just wants to engage in conversation with her DIL, so if you do that, I don't think she will ask you those same questions. It's not that she is so curious - she just wants to talk and can't think of anything else to ask/say, so she repeats herself every day. That woman loves you and wants a good relationship with you.

So, start thinking of questions you can ask her. Make a list and memorize it!! Always have a question up your sleeve if need be! She will be so confused at this change, that she probably won't even be able to remember any of her daily questions she asks you!

Best wishes, and as other people said, she will be a huge blessing when your baby arrives! Good luck, and keep us posted with an update! I would love to hear if things get easier for you!

I understand how her questions can be too much when you are not that type of person. Please do try to remember though that this is probably in her culture to ask about you, your health, and your family. It would be rude not to ask. And because she cares about you, this is how she knows to show it.

I like some of the other suggestions to talk to her about how you like some quiet time when you wake up and prefer to talk and catch up after your morning coffee. I also like the ideas of taking the lead sometimes and asking her about herself. She may be delighted to have you reciprocate.

As for asking about the food, I think the poster who said she is probably insecure and a people-pleaser was right. which is why she asks so much. Maybe try to start out the dinner by complimenting the meal after your first bite or two, before she asks. Taking the initiative might make her feel more assured that she has provided a good meal. I also like the idea of asking her to show you how she cooks certain meals. It will be a bonding experience for you two and I bet she takes a lot of pride in her cooking.

I'm not sure how to get her to stop cleaning your room, except to maybe ask for help on other tasks instead. She seems to want a job to do and to help take care of you. Maybe say, "Mom, I appreciate you cleaning our room, but I really want to clean it myself. But I could really use your help with the laundry/kitchen/whatever else. It would help me so much if you can help me do that task."

Please try to talk to your husband and explain any boundaries you need set, but remind him to explain to his mom in a loving manner. Maybe have the 3 of you sit down, so that if he starts to get angry or frustrated, she can hear in your tone of voice that you are not angry with her. I think changing little things at a time would be easier than trying to overhaul the relationship at once.

But in the end, please try to remember that she cares about you and loves you. She does these things out of love because it's the way she knows how to show love. It may not be the way you know how to receive it, but try to be patient with each other and appreciate each other, even for your differences. And remember that she will love your child so much, and a child with a good support system and loving family fares much better than a child without.