MIL Performed Religious Ceremony on My Baby and I Got Upset. Overreacting?

I have a gf that is of the Hindu religion. Much of these ceremonies are about luck and prosperity for the baby, and also keeping the infant safe from the "evil eye". They are very superstitious, even when not religious, and Im sure mean you no harm or offense. Sad that your DH couldnt explain what was happening or about to, I dont think they would try to upset you. Maybe look into Hindu traditions, as a part of your childs heritage, it is something of interest, or would be for me. I dont think their beliefs go againt christianity in any way... I think you should try to sit with MIL and dh and talk it out. Keep that heritage alive, its a very rich in culture background to have.

I think that your husband should have explained the ceremony she was performing and translated for you so you knew what was going on. I don't really see the problem with allowing her to perform the ceremony though. It's not like it affects how you and your husband raise the baby, nor does it somehow change your baby's religion. A lot of Indian ceremonies are cultural more than religious, and it sounds like this is pretty important to your MIL. She should have asked and discussed it with you, rather than just starting it, but I don't think snatching your son away was the right move.

Anyway, this is just my opinion. I'm not a religious person at all, but I am in an inter-cultural marriage (I'm caucasian, husband is Chinese). I just think sometimes it is easier to cooperate with the in-laws on things that don't negatively affect the baby in any way than it is to fight the cultural differences.

I can understand why you felt startled. If we don't understand something, it often feels scary. We do not want our children to participate in something that we are afraid of, because it does not seem safe. I think it is normal for us to protect our children.

My Husband's maternal grandparents have been married for over fifty years.

His grandmother is Mormon. She grew up on a farm at the base of the Teton Mountains. His grandfather is Japanese and Buddhist. He was placed in a Japanese-American internment camp during the WW2, but later was drafted into a war because, as a doctor, he was valuable to the army.

My Husband's grandparents met overseas at base. She was a nurse and he was a doctor. They fell in love, like in a black and white picture from old times. Her family was outraged, and tried to convince her not to marry a man of color who practiced outside their faith. But, she followed her heart. Her family, and his, now gather every summer for a reunion. They have been able to learn and share with one another. They now have 18 grandchildren and countless great grandchildren. They are still in love. You can see it, every time they look at each other.

Their children practice different faiths, though most are Mormon. All are respectful of each other's relationship to God. They are a very tight nit family.

IMHO, having Faith is about Loving Fearlessly. It is about acting with compassion and courage, for the betterment of mankind and our fellow creatures. Spiritual Truth transcends all absolutes. It is limitless and free. It is Love. Our truths do not actually need to contradict one another. If they do, I believe we are not being led towards Serenity, but towards Fear and bigotry.

I believe your husband should have translated between you and your MIL. Then, both of you would have been able to understand that your intentions are the same: to give your sweet child protection, the experience of God, hope, faith and community.

Your daughter can be raised Christian, and ALSO gain from Hinduism. Faith in one Truth, does not need to abrogate faith in all Truths.

I have attended Christmas mass, meditated in Tibetan monasteries, celebrated Durgatsava in Varanasi India and danced around a Maypole. The amazing thing is, participating in religious ceremonies only increases my faith and capacity for Love.

You and your husband need to talk. There are two families involved here, and two religions. This isn't about which religion "wins" or who is "in charge". You both have a say in how your child is raised. That will require tolerance from both you and your husband.

I also agree with those who have suggested that you need to become informed about both Hinduism and the Indian culture. That is part of your child's heritage and I'm sure he will be asking about this as he grows up. It would not be fair to him for you to ignore this whole side of his cultural background.

She's visiting from India so this will not be a daily conflict.
She speaks little English.
She is a different faith than you.
It will not hurt you baby, nor condemn your baby's soul, to allow you MIL to perform a ceremony.
In fact, it may be nice, as your child grows, to teach your child about the Hindu religion as it is a part of his heritage. It doesn't mean your child will grow up and become Hindu.
Yes, your husband should have translated for you, if just to ease the tension. But, this is his mother, and cultural differences may have hampered him. And Hindu is his religion, even though he his not practicing. He may well like the ceremony for your son.

Please be peaceful about this. Allow the ceremony. It really will not hurt the baby.

God Bless

It really sounds like you need to learn about the Hindu religion. Learning what they do and why doesn't me you automatically become a follower.

You recognize that you married someone who doesn't believe the same things as you (nor does his family) don't you see how your children will be exposed it the different religion.

Why won't your husband translate for you? I would be more angry at him.
I mean it isn't like the thing your MIL was preforming was going to actually hurt the baby. It was going to be done more for her benefit than the baby's.

What will you do when your child is 13 or older and decided to follow Hindu instead of your religion? You are raising a child in a free country where he can chosen to believe something different than you. Have you thought of that?

I'm not Hindu but let's say that your MIL was saying kind words and "painting" powder on your baby. So what? Let's say it's Ash Wednesday and you go to the Catholic church and they put a cross of ash on your baby. So what? It's not as if anyone is wishing evil on your child. Quite the opposite. The problem here is your dumb husband. Of course you want to know what's going on. And he won't explain it????? Everybody should be annoyed with him.

Tolerance for others beliefs does not mean we have to adopt them as our own. It is one thing to expose your child to different faiths and encourage them to find their own path, and it is another to perform rituals (that are not what you practice) on them when they are too young to decide for themselves. I think you did the right thing. I would encourage you to learn more about your MIL's faith and what she was wanting to do. I am all for religious tolerance and learning about different faiths. However, that doesn't mean we have to practice them, or expect others to practice what we believe. As much as you have to have tolerance so do others for what you believe. Stand firm in your faith, as she stands in hers.

@pamela, raven, and son: You are perpetuating what you claim to be intolerant of. You write "I am very tolerant in most other things anyways". Tolerance is not about picking and choosing what we tolerate, it is about accepting diversities of all kinds.

Not to sound rude, but I think what your husband said sounds right on. You say you are in an interfaith marriage and have to deal, but you are not dealing, your way of dealing is to deny his mother and the way he was raised. Unless she was somehow harming your child I think you over reacted. Why are you afraid to let your child experience his grandmothers religion? Are you afraid he may identify with it? Choose it? What is this really about? Are you truly intolerant of other beliefs? Would you accept your child's choice if he choose a different path than you? These are all hard questions you need to ask yourself, and you need to discuss with your husband how big a part of his life his mothers beliefs are and how big a part he would like them to play in his child's upbringing.

On a side note, have you taken the time to learn about Hinduism so you can better understand what it is all about? I believe teaching our children about many different religions is the very best way to create an open and tolerant and accepting nation.

Personally I think unless this ceremony involves hurting the child in some manner, you should give in gracefully. God is in all of us and he will understand. It's your choice, of course, but I can't see the harm in having your MIL feel accepted.
Imagine for a moment if you will that this child grows up to marry someone of another faith. I assume baptism is important to you. How would it feel if your daughter-in-law refused point blank to have your grandchild baptised? You might be fine with it. Or you might wonder why she was unwilling to allow something so important to you to happen, it that was in some way a rejection of you as well. Be the kind of daughter-in-law you hope to have in the future, whatever that ends up meaning here.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

First of all, it would be really helpful if your husband were actually supportive, which it doesn't really sound like it is (not caring is not the same as supportive); my DH is not religious, but we have talked many times about it, and he wants me to be happy and as long as I'm not joining a cult or following a practice that is against human values and the dignity and rights of others, he is fine with my choices for our son (who is too young to make any choices himself).

However, more importantly, please realize that respecting and honoring someone else's religious beliefs does not mean that you are condemning your child to hell. You need to cultivate a view of tolerance, and enter into this as a learning experience about another culture. You need to enlist your DH to help you learn about Hindu/Indian traditions, and to help you to communicate with your MIL. The fact that he did not do so, to me, really speaking very poorly of him--he really helped to make this situation worse, and that really bothers me, probably more so than all the rest of the information you provided. However, even if he won't help, start educating yourself, so that you can see what might be coming up. Learn what form of Hinduism she practicies, and then go to the library and ask for some help finding information, so that you can know what the major religious ceremonies and festivals are and what they stand for. That way, if one or two in particular bother you, you can be armed with that, but you will probably find that really, it is just another culture's way of celebrating life and dealing with hardships and that they have their own merits.

I wasn't able to tell exactly what festival your MIL was trying to celebrate, but I'm guessing it might be Holi, which is a celebration of the arrival of spring: http://www.religionfacts.com/hinduism/holidays/holi.htm. This is actually a wonderful festival and one that your child will really enjoy (a lot of Unitarian Universalist churches incorporate this festival, adapted, into services). Be aware though, that some of the color pigments traditionally used for the powders can be harmful, so you will want to know what is used. (In UUs, they use flower petals, colored scarves, and face painting, as well as squirt guns with tinted water, for the colors).

Here is a chance for you to learn and embrace the beautiful diversity of the human race, instead of instigate fear/anger.... Yes, it can be scary, but you are strong enough to be able to honor another culture without losing your own values and the values you are teaching your child. And you will be surprised, I bet, to see what things Hinduism has to teach you and your family. You don't have to lose your Christianity in honoring and respecting this part of your child's heritage.

I agree with Sarah S. If it isn't going to hurt him then let her do it. It may be her way of bonding with her grandchild and if you show acceptance it can can only enhance your relationship.

Just a question....How come so many people are saying the Parents get to decide religious concerns regarding the child but not recognizing the father as a Parent who gets a say in this? He needs to be a little stronger about what he wants. Maybe the grandparent in his culture is who takes the lead in this. Is it a matriarchial system as far as passing this on? I agree he should have translated and all this should have been worked through before you were in the situation of snatching the baby from your MIL.

Also a thought, this may be confusing to his Mom as someone mentioned in another post Hindu's believe religions co-exist, they do believe in more than one diety and are very accepting of others beliefs (kind of refreshing actually). Since she is coming from this place she may be very confused at your reaction. About the marriage issue, was it because of your religion or because the marriage wasn't arranged or atleast agreed upon by his parents ahead of time?

Anyway, I think to get through this you need to talk a lot with your husband about what he wants, what you want, and come to a compromise. I also think you may need to compromise more than you originally thought you would since he hasn't shown any interest in the religion he was born into until now. As you said, you are in an interfaith as well as interacial marriage and I don't know that you have any other choice if you want a solid family and marrage.

My head would have literally popped off... this is YOUR child & YOU decide what happens "to" him.

You are not in an interfaith marriage- your husband does not practice a religion. Your child was baptised as a Christian and in doing so you have promised to raise your child in that faith. While there is no harm in your MIL performing what (I assume) is a blessing, my bigger concern is your husband's response. By all means, your child should be well-versed in his father's family's traditions, but it should not be forced on either of you.

He is YOUR husband and the father of that child. If you are uncomfortable with something, it is HIS role to support you and either help you understand what is going on or help him mother understand why you are uncomfortable.

I really think it's no big deal, especially with a baby who won't understand it anyway. I'm an open atheist, as is my husband. My family is very catholic, so baptism became an issue. I told her if it was something that would help her sleep better at night, she could take the children to be baptized, but that i wasn't going to be doing it.

I do think part of the problem was your husband, who should have been translating so that you at least knew what was going on.

Hi L.,

I would have reacted the same way. As a Chistian you are denying that there is any other faith but faith in Christ. To accept or allow anything else is not bigoted, it is simply part of your faith and would be disobedient to what you have covenanted to. Your husband should be aware of that as he has made you aware that he doesn't care.

I don't see anything wrong with apologizing for your quick reaction, but anything else would be against what you say you believe. All you can do is try to explain.......I as a MIL would appreciate your honesty. I hope she does as well.

God bless,

M.

Deep breath.

When my father died, my uncle (my dad's brother) had him baptized post-death in his faith. Honestly, while that might offend some, I didn't care--because I don't believe in his religion and I don't believe it will actually have any meaning.

As for your situation, I see it the same way. Unless you think whatever she is doing is a "legitimate" religious event, then it really won't interfer with your son's relationship with your God/church.

Now, a concern would be, how long is it ok for your son to be participating in two different religions? Although he isn't participating now, as he gets older, it may become more confusing for him or uncomfortable. That, to me, is the discussion you need to hammer out with your husband. If grandma is only going to do Hindu blessings on him as an infant, fine... But if it will be on-going, throughout his childhood, then that might pose a problem when he expects you to explain what Granny is doing. You can't exactly tell a 4 year old, "oh, grandma is doing something in her religion but she's Hindu and we don't believe it, so it doesn't matter...". No, when you are dealing with young children who have a basic grasp of things, you have to tell them clear, consistent messages. Your husband either supports him being raised Christian or he doesn't.

Keep in mind that Hinduism acknowledges multiple deities. It is easier for a Hindu to acknowledge Christ as another god than it is for a Christian to allow another religion to compete with their beliefs. My point is, grandma may not have a issue involving a Christian child in her religious beliefs because her religion makes accommodations for other religions to co-exist... Christianity doesnt make room for other religions.

Good luck!

Are you sure it was religious and not cultural? I think you over-reacted in the sense that your behavior was over the top. You should have kept your cool and still could have calmly removed the baby until you knew for sure what was going on. I say this as a Christian mother.

Next, I believe that your husband's behavior was quite odd. He may claim that he's not religious but I believe that his culture and even his lapsed religion is probably much more important than he's letting on. This is something that you need to have a calm discussion about in depth if you haven't already. And if this is something that really is important to your husband, then he needs to man up and say so. If it's not important for him personally but it's important to him for his son to grow with Hinduism and have a connection through it culturally and religiously with your MIL, then your husband needs to own up to that too. His feelings on this are equal to yours. But you're going to both have to come to an agreement between you that you're both comfortable with in how to raise your son in regard to religion.

Culturally, your son should be exposed to both sides of the family equally. Religiously he should be educated in both Christianity and Hinduism even if he is raised in only one faith. As he grows older he's going to learn about other religions anyway and may decide on a completely different faith or none at all.

If your husband won't talk with you or work with you on this, then I suggest working with your MIL. In spite of her limited English, ask her for the names of the ceremonies she wants to perform and then research them. Ask her questions about them and what they mean. She'll be eager to educate you even if your husband isn't. Let her know that as much as you're dedicated to your faith and intend to raise your son as a good Christian, you're still interested in learning about hers out of respect so that you can make informed decisions.

it sounds to me like she has her own religious beliefs and maybe the "ritual" she was trying to perform was just to give the baby blessings.(like their version of a baptism) in these days and crazy times i think EVERYBODY needs every prayer they can get! i am not very religious at all( i have my own relationship with God and that satisfies me and Him) but i don't think she meant any harm. i would be more upset with my husband then her for not bridging the communication gap. best wishes!

I think you should say I am a Christian and my child will be raised as a Christian. As a Christian it is against your faith to be involved or practice any other faith. It is considered a SIN. Your husband's mother knows he is not practicing any faith and is a non-believer. If he was a pious Hindu, I doubt you would have married and had a child with the man? I would invite his family to your church, they may not want to attend because it would be a SIN against their faith.

Blessings....

I get tired of Christians being picked on...I don't see Christians blowing up people, threatening violence in other forms or burning other places of worship....While some Christians are narrow minded unfortunately, other religious groups are far worse. Your MIL has no business doing any ritual without your consent and your DH should be supportive of that period. I am sorry you had to deal with this.

I do appreciate Sunshine's response to you. Stick to your guns and your relationship with Christ. You are doing the right thing and if no one else can support you i.e. family, friends or other moms on this site...that's just tough $**$

I think there were two problems here. 1, your husband should have translated, it's crazy that he wouldnt. It's not like your MIL was preparing to sacrifice your baby. 2, yeah, you're being a little intolerant. How is it wrong to expose your child to the other side of his heritage? Your Christian God is not going to strike him dead or deny him heaven simply because his Hindu grandmother performed some harmless ceremony on him as a baby, and it would have given her peace of mind. As your MIL is from India, I'm guessing that she's not going to be a huge part of your child's life, so why not let her expose him to his father's heritage when she visits?

I'm Catholic and grew up with friends from many religions and it was nice to see how other people did things, but it didn't change my fundamental upbringing. Your child should be fine exposed to his Hindu heritage without changing his Christian beliefs.

Perhaps she was doing the Hindu naming ceremony described here: http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Hinduism/2000/07/Welcome-... . One of the families used a red powder in theirs. Since it is a famliy ceremony, that would explain why she wanted you there. That being said, I think that the parents should make the decisions as to what religious rituals, if any, are performed for their children. If you and your husband agree that your child will be raised as a Christian, then that is the way it should be. Grandparents need to respect that. I would feel the same way if you had decided to raise your child as a Hindu, and the Christian grandparents took the child to be baptized without your permission. However, what is done is done, and if it was what is described as the naming ceremony, it was meant to welcome the child into the world and to confirm that the family will support the child as they grow up. Not a bad thing, but should be done only with your blessing.

I don't think you overreacted at all. It was extremely disrespectful of your MIL to do this knowing you are raising the baby as a Christian. Regardless of her intentions, she had no right to do it.

Your MIL to caught you off guard so you did not overreact, BUT you said your husband "just doesn't believe in anything and doesn't care".... Your husband was wrong and suspicious for not translating and very strange for now wanting his child to partake in a ceremony for a belief that he himself doesn't even have. I don't believe the red powder could do anything spiritual to your baby, but who knows what's in it. Hopefully it's not rash or allergy inducing. Ask your husband how they would like it if you started sprinkling "holy water" on them? SMH

whew .. lots of drama going on here.. why not sit your husband and mil down and talk all this over... in person , face to face... the fact that you refer to what she did as "Hindu stuff" leads me to think that you think little of it anyway, so why then should it bug you, if the "Hindu stuff" is just that.. stuff..
sounds like grandma LOVES your child very much.. In my own house, my husband and his mom are VERY religious and I knew what I was getting into when I married him.. I don't let it bother me, In fact.. if someone does want to send their blessings to my son, let alone me.. unlike in the long ago past, where I would resist it.. now, I accept it.. I see it this way, IF someone wants to bless me or my child.. then by all means... in this day age, I will take all the blessings I can get.. :) especially if the blessing is coming from someone's heart, which sounds like your MIL means well..
I do wonder if it's the blessing that bothered you more or the fact she did it without asking.. if that is the case, then I think this is about ego...Egos always get in the way and cause problems.. even when problems aren't really there..
but hey , that is just my opinion and as someone who has had to learn to adapt to a very over-protective MIL... it definitely gets better.. however, that's because I learn to compromise...

best of luck to you

You have just made me smile. I can so identify with this. I'm an American Christian, Hubby believes there's a God when good things happen, and MIL used to be a Chinese Budhist want-a-be christian. (Yeah, wierd family.) I'll never forget the time my son and I took days to make his special pinata and MIL took 3 min. to tear it apart, because my son wanted blue and white streamers on it. (White means death in China.) Yes, we argued especially when she told me the white streamers are ok for girls! Yes, I threw my car keys and broke them. I packed up everything and my son and i went to my sister's house. I felt like a fool after the anger went away. I wound up explaining to my son that he can have his white streamers when MIL goes back to China. (Another story for another day.) Yes, there is a difference between a pinata and a child, but the affects are very similar and busting up a child's homemade pinata really hurts the child mentally. The point is that you and I have married into an interfaithed/interracial marriage, which means acceptance and understanding. At least my hubby translates everything and MIL managed to learn English from me in return for a few Chinese words I learnt. I have found it is still easier to look up the other culture and reasearch, so I know what to expect. It makes it a lot easier to deal with. My son was baptised. He also went through the Chinese tradition of being carried over a bridge to get rid of any ill intended spirits. We also went through the whole ancestor day ceremony of preparing a 7 or 9 dish feast...setting up an altar...inviting dead relatives into the house, while the neighbors watch my hubby waive inscence around and talk in English (So embarrasing..."Come Grandpa, welcome Grandma...") and even the dog had to bow to the altar of relatives. Then there was my tradition of buying lilies every Easter for my dead grandma, which turned into counting flowers for each dead relative on both sides. You know...It's not that bad. It's kind of fun. My son has the best of both worlds and doing some of the Chinese ceremonies helped him understand another part of his culture. Is he Chritian? You bet, 100%. He even volunteers as an usher at church. Funny thing is that by showing respect, you get respect back....MIL even turned Christian, so no more ancesstor day. (Yep, I miss it...Good food and tradition.) Sometimes part of being Christian is tolerance.

I think your husband should have translated for you. She may have been blessing the child in her own way. However, I'd be pretty hysterical myself had I not know what exactly it was that she was doing to him.

It is not only logical but a part of being a responsible parent to know what is happening with their child. The fact that your husband would not explain what was going on would scare me. It sounds like you might have been OK with this if you'd known about it and why she was doing it. That seems very reasonable to me.

I don't understand why your husband won't explain it to you. And I admire your mil for not being willing to do it without your involvement. I see the problem being with your husband. I would want to know his reasons for silence and then anger when you made a reasonable request to understand the ceremony.

If he responded in anger because you abruptly ended the ceremony by snatching your baby away, he should be able to calm down and now talk reasonably with you. sounds like this hasn't been possible. Perhaps some counseling concerning ways of diffusing anger and talking with each other is in order.

Perhaps the process called Non-violent Communication would help. There is a book as well as a web site. It involves paying attention to the way you word things so that the other person can hear what you're saying instead of reacting to the emotions involved.

I also agree that this is just the first incident in the process of raising a child in a multi-cultural home. It makes sense that your son would want to learn about his grandparent's religion and culture at some point. How will you handle that? I suggest that you need to learn more about Hindu and Indian culture.

Find a way to learn about this ceremony in a way that doesn't rely on your husband. Based only on what you've written I would feel distrust in my husband and how he will work with me in managing life involving two different religious and cultures. I think you live in a large enough area that you could find a Hindu community who could help you understand so that you can make informed decisions.

Later:
I have a question about this statement which is confusing to me and may be related to your question. You said, "She knows I am Christian, and for example, didn't want to offer prayers at her shrine when we got married." Does this mean that she didn't offer prayers for your marriage at her shrine. Is this an indication to you that she is respectful of your religion or perhaps that she didn't approve of the marriage or ? Or did you mean that you didn't offer prayers at her shrine which is your way of showing that you do not want to be involved with her religion or?.

I do not hink you overreacted in any way. There are so many moving parts - but having your MIL who speaks a different language, of a VERY different culture camped out in your living room for months at a time - well that's already you being super tolerant! You get mega-bonus points as far as I'm concerned as it regards your husband's & your relationship.

As for the religious ceremony - she has absolutely NO standing in perfomring any cermonies on your son. They do mean something - if they didn't mean anything she would not be so intent of performing it. Now - speaking of ceremonies - what happens if you ahve a girl? Will she be wanting to perform a famale circumsion on her? Of course you wouldn't allow that.

The fact that your husband refused to translate means that his mother was way out of line and he knew you'd really be furious if you understood what she was saying. Your gut was right about that.

Toerlance is all fine and good - but let's define tolerance and practice waht it really means. in the past when we talked about tolerance we meant that we didn't object to other's practices - basically as long as it didn't impact us. So if our neighbors want to practice a different religion or political belive than ours it's fine with us as long as it doesn't afect us. How we use the word has seemed to change in the last 10 years to now instead of jsut saying it's OK for others, we seem to have this need to embrace the belief and state that it's equal to our own beliefs. Personally - I don't agree with this new use of the word. let's face it, if I didn't think my belief was superior I wouldn't hold it as my belief. Doesn't that make sense in the most basic way?

So my feeling is that you should be tolerant of your MIL's religious beliefs as they impact her - she can go to whatever religious services that she wants to go to - as long as she doesn't make you go or bring your child. Let's face it - if you were to even think about grabbing your neice and taking her to church to be baptized or dedicated to Christ there would be a huge uproar amongst the "tolerant" crowd. Tolerance goes both ways - you can respect your MIL's religous beliefs and she should respect yours.

There is no way I would leave her with my child to perform any more relgious cermonies. Absolutely no way. I understand your desire to keep the peace - but ultimately you are the one who will one day stand before God to answer about how you raised your child. She is responsbile to answer on her children - only.

Stand your ground mama - don't fight, don't get angry - just stand firm in love.

She is 100 percent out of line. Period.

Your not crazy, meddling mother-in-laws have been around since...the beginning. My personal take is that it is not appropriate for a grandparent to impose their parenting "choices" upon a child. Although this is an unusual example, it is not uncommon for MILs to overstep their boundaries. Different cultural backgrounds can make it even more difficult to relay/establish boundaries due to differing expectations.

Oftentimes the husband, out of respect for his parent and a desire not to create conflict, doesn't always support the wife. This can be dangerous because it can cause a rift b/n the husband and wife. The Bible says to let no man (or woman) break apart those whom he has put together. Despite her desires and wishes, your godly convictions are what guide you and will ultimately help with the spiritual growth of your child - I wouldn't ignore them. After you pray about the situation, proceed with how you feel led (and not coerced). The Bible will back you up - the first commandment says not to bow down to any other gods or idols.

The prob is really with your husband. The fact he wouldn't translate etc. Just as you know that you are married to someone who doesn't share your faith at least at the moment, he also knows the same thing and needs to be equally open to talk this through. I think you two should discuss your approach to spirituality and the raising of your children a little more thoroughly. I know for me at least, my hubby is a buffer for stuff between me and his family, and vice versa. If there is something my husband wants to see different etc, he will tell me and then I will put it to my mom in a way that she will understand, bc I have known her for 34 years!! In your case, he needs to go even the extra mile bc there is a language barrier which opens the door for a greater probability for mis-communication. I would put a stop to this unwillingness to translate asap by talking to him about how much you want to be a team when it comes to raising your child. I think at the very least there should be an understanding that anything ANYONE wants to do regarding your child should be brought to you guys first for approval. People know not even give my child a stick of gum without coming to me or my husband first. I would not want anyone to do anything religious to my baby unless I knew and said it was OK. If you think you were rude or something, just apologize, but it sounds like the perfect time for a pow wow about the fact that while you have differences, you two are still the ones who call the shots together and whatever things happen that involve your child should always be brought to you. Good luck!!

If your MIL is visiting from India, she won't be there forever, and she probably won't be back any time soon. You are his mom, and you are the one he will look to. Try not to worry about something she does as having so much of an impact on him that it will cancel out all that you teach him.

My Catholic faith is very important to me. So much so that I earned a Master's Degree in Theology, worked for the Church for 9 years and remain very active in my parish. Your MIL performing a religious ceremony on your son is not going to "undo" anything you or your church has done for him. God knows what is in our minds and in our hearts. If we truly belive that a ceremony of another faith (especially on a baby who doesn't even speak English yet, let alone a foreign language) is going to upset God, haven't we strayed from our personal relationship with God and wondered into the world of superstition and magical practices?

A previous poster mentioned ashes on Ash Wednesday. We receive ashes as a reminder that we are human and as humans we are sometimes sinful. Ash Wednesday begins the season of Lent, a season of reflection and repentence. God will still love us whether we receive ashes or not. The ashes are not for God, they are for us. They help us to reflect more deeply and hopefully grow even closer to God and grow as people.

Most of our religious practices are really ways for us to grow closer to God and to become better people. As long as we keep working our our relationship with God and trying to be more Christ like, ceremonies like the one your MIL wanted to perform can do us no harm.

Like you need one more response. ;)

My gut response isn't that it was a different religion issue with you as it was members of your family (including your husband) doing something with your child without your knowledge or understanding. I think it would have been different if your husband would have explained to you what his mom WANTED to do, his feelings about it, and got your permission/blessing to do it.

It bothered me when my MIL wanted to take my 3 1/2 year for the day (she lives a few states away) and was hush-hush over where she was going to take her. She didn't even discuss it with my husband. Ummmm no. You need to run things by me before you do anything with my kid. I'm the mama bear and that is my instinct to protect my cubs. PERIOD.

You also sound like you could use a little space from you MIL (or anyone for that matter) who has camped out in your small apt. for sooooo long. I get the need to stay awhile when you have traveled so far to visit, but go to a hotel for a few nights and give the people who live there a break. Go visit other relatives or go see the sights. I hope her visit is coming to a close soon, for your sake.
Best wishes. You seem like you have come to terms with a lot that you weren't prepared for.

Parents get to decide what religion to bring their child up in. Your child was baptised in your religion and therefore you promised to bring him up in your church. To participate in another religions rituals is hyprocrytical. Since you husband does not believe anything and has agreed to a raise your son in your religion, there is no reason to allow this. If he was a practicing Hindu, I would say you may need to come to an agreement but that is not the case.

It is good that your MIL wouldn't go through with it without you. I think you need to speak to her (can someone else help translate?) and explain your beliefs and explain that while you respect her position as his grandmother and her religious beliefs that you are raising your son as a Christian and therefore are not comfortable with taking part in a Hindu ceremony.

NO you did not overreact, NO ONE should do anything with or on someones baby without the parents permission. You do not have accept or deal with anything that is not Biblical, as a Christian we are called to follow God regardless of what anyone else does. Tell her to ask you before doing anything with yoyur baby. I was brought up protsatant and my husband baptist, we now belong tom a non denominational church, we are Christians by our life style not up beinging. J.

I am so sad that you feel you overreacted. You didn't. I am hoping you are only saying that because so many women on here said you did, so you are trying to keep the peace. You seem like that type.

Nor are you wrong in the slightest for wanting to be informed about what is going on with your baby!

The point here is not the potential harm that could have occurred (although some could argue it is very great). The point is other people doing something with YOUR baby that YOU don't feel comfortable with or are NOT informed of properly. If she wants to perform this ceremony, she needs to make sure you know what is going on beforehand, end of story. She could easily have had your husband talk to you about it first. It is clear she doesn't respect you. What is she going to do next without your consent?

Talk with your husband. This situation will arise again. He needs to be more supportive.

Please do not feel bad about making choices for your child. You must always do what is best. Please stop second guessing yourself. You are a loving mother and you have your child's best interest in mind. Always follow your gut.

Best wishes....

"I realize I am in an interfaith marriage, and now I have to accept and deal." You answered your own question. Accept and deal. Just because your husband does not have strong faith doesn't mean you just disregard his mother's desire to share her culture and faith with your son. If my Indian Hindu husband ever tried to keep me from taking my daughter to Church with her devoutly Catholic American grandma, I'd be pretty ticked off. And you seem to be disregarding your husband's family's cultural expectations about a grandparent's role.

She has no right to do anything that you do not fully understand with your child under any circumstance what so ever period, DOT. I do not think that you overreacted. Now, your job is to find out what you can about the "service" she wished to perform and make an educated decision. Have someone translate or get the name of the "service" and do internet research.

You are absolutely in the right! If you are raising your child Christian, no one should be able to perform a non-Christian religious act or ceremony on your child. The same would go for whatever religion you are raising your child. I would've done the same thing.

I would never let anyone perform some sort of ritual on my child. The Bible commands not to partake in "rituals" that people essentially make up, and as a Christian, it is a duty to protect your child.

Some suggest that it's a "no harm done" type of situation or to just "let her do it" like you are responsible for her happiness. YOU are responsible to protect your child from harm...and in my opinion, nonbiblical ritual can cause harm. And it's not just my opinion. God says so. That's pretty authoritative.

That's just my opinion. However, you are in a tough spot because you married against your faith. Your husband and you ought to agree on religion for your child's sake, but I strongly encourage you to persuade him to your side.

I know that I react very strongly when other people feel the need to make decisions for me & not tell me about it or explain it. They should not have done that without telling you ahead of time & asking you if you were ok with it. You could also meet with your pastor to talk to him about it. But honestly if I didn't know what was going on I probably would have snatched the baby away from her too...

You have had a lot of people to tell you to be more tolerant. I'm sorry, but no one has the right to do anything to your child without your permission. Now I do believe your husband should have talked to you about it ahead of time & for that he is wrong & shouldn't be calling you a bigot.

I think it is nice that your MIL wants to share her religion with her grandchild. She should not just start performing a ritual on your child and you should not overreact and grab the baby away. (It sounds like you already know that). But she needs to ask you first before she does something like that. Have a very sweet talk with her politely asking her to explain what she wants to do and asks you first before doing anything. If you let her do some Hindu things with her grandchild it will make her very happy and feel closer to you all. I think you are so lucky to live in a multi-cultural family. Your child can grow up learning all about Hinduism from his/her grandma. You can explain how different people believe in different things and this will lead to some great discussions with your child as they grow up.

The fault lies with your husband. He needs to stand up for you, translate, and in generally let you know what's going on. Ask him what she was doing - is it a simple blessing? A way to welcome the baby? If so, let her go ahead and do it. Your son is a Christian regardless of what someone else says or does to him or on his behalf. If she want to do her thing, and it's not terribly offensive (I can't imagine that any religious ceremony performed over an infant that doesn't involve a moel is going to cause lasting change) then let her go ahead and do it. It doesn't change him at all. That said, don't let her do anything without her fully understanding that you and your husband are raising a Christian child and nothing she does will make him Hindi (I apologize if that's not the correct form).

Rather than go to WWIII over this, use it as a way to open up the lines of communication between your MIL and you (with your husband facilitating, as he should be doing). Show her that although you don't follow her beliefs, you respect her beliefs and her heritage and want to understand what's important to her and want to help her feel fully connected to your child. If there is some kind of blessing/ritual/ceremony that is customary to do to babies that doesn't imply conversion to the religion that she wants to do, then let her do it and join her in it. It may be less about religion per se and more about respecting her culture and ethnicity. My children are all being raised Catholic but they are half Jewish. My children (and I) participate in Jewish holidays, meals, rituals such as wearing a yarmulke (the boys anyway), etc. It doesn't make them any less Christian to go to temple and pray at the Seder and light the menorrah. Your husband really does need to do a better job of respecting BOTH of you and helping to build your relationship.

I think you handled it well, actually. You were going to allow her to do what she felt she needed to do, but you don't want to participate. It's HER problem if she won't do it without you. You aren't stopping anyone from doing anything... you are just keeping yourself out of it, which is your right. It's one thing to accept and acknowledge someone's faith, another to participate. I would tell her (or have hubby tell her) that she is more than welcome to perform whatever ritual she feels neccesary, but that you aren't going to participate.

I agree with you. Grandparents don't have a right to indoctrinate your child into their religious beliefs. In our culture, parents get to make the decisions. However, your inlaws come from a different culture, one where the elders are the most respected and probably even adults see their parents as an authority figure. They may not understand the American way. Your MIL should not determine that your baby undergo a religious ceremony. Your husband still buys into the beliefs of his culture. This will be an issue as you and your husband raise your son, and something that I think you and he need to deal with. I think it's also important that he is honest with his parents and if you are strictly raising your son in your faith, they need to know this.

Pretty sure I would have reacted the same. This is difficult. Find out what the ceremony is and what it means. Then decide if you will allow her to do it. If it contratics your Christain beliefs then I pray you have the strength to stand up for your child and not allow it to be done.

I don't feel you were in the wrong. Your child is not being brought up hindu. Im not a religious person but my husbands family is from mexico and they have more superstitious. Beliefs then per say catholic. I did not and still don't allow them to do the things they do to their kids to my baby. Im not into herbal, holistic, put curses on you type stuff and to each their own but not on my kids! Your husband needs to stand by you. Period. It took a while but mine finally saw my point of view. I hope your husband does too.

Wow. What are you scared of? More love? Bigger faith in God? More understanding of different religions?
I don't see what the big deal is.

I'm sure it all seems "mysterious" and "scary" to you but if you take few moments to understand, then that gap if intolerance in the world closes just a wee bit. Isn't that what we all want?

Good luck!

The way I see it is, you are religious, your mil is religious, and your husband is non religious. So, if it is between two religious factors - you or mil - you win. It is YOUR child. Your husband has nothing to do with religion and you do. His mother's religion should be a non issue with your child. It is up to the baby's parents. Your husband knew your beliefs when he married you and he is fine with it. You understood him to be non religious and you are fine with that. Mil simply is not part of the equation. It is your call and hubby's call, and since he has no religion it is obvious the baby will be raised with yours. If you object to another religion being imposed, you are in the right. I see no problem whatsoever with you taking the baby away and saying no to mil. I would just make it non negotiable at this point, whether hubby assists or not. You are in charge of your child's religious upbringing. No more religious anything without your knowledge and consent.

Hi, I didn’t' read any of your answers. But wanted to say my Son (who is 2) has many religions in his life. I was baptized Catholic, attend a Christian church, and my husband is Buddhist. My son has been involved in all three religious traditions and attending temples, churches etc since he was born. I do not believe my religion is more important then anyone else. My Husband is not religious at all (much like your husband) but my MIL is. My Parents aren’t either, because my husband is Asian they believe in the Male being very important too (just speaking for my in laws here).

My Son wears a necklace with Buddha, a cross, and a Christian fish. I may not agree with my mother in law and her religious believes but i just believe the more bless my Son is the better. If she wants to pray for him in whatever way, or do random (which i think is crazy) religious things, as long as he isn't hurt then so be it. I want him to grow up with understanding of his nationalities and his families religious beliefs.

Its so hard being with someone of different nationality and religous believes i am Hispanic and my husband is Vietnames. So we are so different, but at the same time completely love each other, so i have learned over the years to just be open minded. :)

Oh my!!! I am so sorry for your predicament!!! I wish I could give you words of wisdom, but, I would probably offend somebody. You see, the world is FULL of hipocrates. You simply cannot say what you think....yes, even in the US.....
Good Luck to you anyway...I hope that in the end, you all get along. (again, hope I dont offend)

I would tell your husband that you don't feel comfortable having it done and that you assumes that she wouldn't want to do any Hindu rites with our children because she didn't want to do one for our marriage, so why would she want to for our children since the religion doesn't approve of the marriage?

As a fellow Christian, I would have done the same thing...well...I wouldn't have married someone of another faith, or lack of, knowing what I know now of not being "unevenly yoked".

You don't have to accept and deal. It's your child. If you don't want the ceremony done, don't have it done. As far as being accused of being a bigot goes...she sure wasn't taking your faith and beliefs into consideration now was she?

Grandmothers come and go as do husbands. You are the only constant in this child's life. Do what you know is right for your child. Pray about it. Don't let anyone sway you from your beliefs or guilt you into going against them.

This is a difficult situation that I am well familiar with as I speak from a multicultural/multifaith family experience. The first thing I'd suggest is that you and your husband need to sit down (again) to agree if your son should be raised in one faith or two. Maybe he's had a change of heart, or maybe he's just giving in to pressure to 'please his mother'. If you are not on the same page, you will always always and forever argue about this important topic. Your marriage will be damaged, and your child will be confused at best.

Once you agree on a plan of what faith education you want to provide to your child, you need to sit together with your mother in law to inform her of your combined expectations and openly discuss it. Ultimately, it's your husband's responsibility to continually "reinforce" this message to his mother after presenting it to her as a united front.

Keep in mind that some rituals may be religious and others may be cultural (or a blend of the two). You'll need to educate yourself about them and why they may be imporant to your husband or his family. You'll need to choose where to draw boundaries and when to stand firm on certain practices and where/when to show more tolerance and understanding.

Whatever faith approach you choose to raise your son, it's important that he learn about the religious and cultural traditions of your husband's family as well. It's part of who his father is (even if he's not actively practicing his faith of origin) and who his grandparents or other family members are.

If you choose to raise him exclusively in the Christian faith, you'll also need to be prepared to explain to your son down the road how it is that half of his family practices a different faith. I hope it can be done without casting negative jugdement against them.

It helps immeasurably if extended family is understanding and supportive of your parenting/faith choice decisions, but when they are not, it's important that you and your husband at least agree and decide to work together to reinforce your position with family members (yours and his).

Good luck!!!

Sorry a line was crossed. This has nothing to do with the religion but with the fact that no one spoke to you about this. Your husband's attitude is very disappointing. As for your MIL wanting you to participate as well, I am sorry but I have a problem with that. If you are not comfortable with that, its not your problem, its theirs.

I just have to say that you and your husband are the parents. I understand having respect and all that for grandparents--but this is overstepping the line. The MIL needs to respect you/your hubby's decision to raise your child as Christian. If she doesn't agree, that is fine--but its not her decision. Your husband should have backed you up on this and told his mom to butt out and leave you alone. You should not feel pressured into any ceremony without your consent. I think in my opinion, your hubby let you down big time---he should have been there for you to help support your choice and reasoning about this even if he didn't care either way. When you become married, your "loyalty " goes to your new family---not the family he came from. Tell your hubby to grow up and support you! Sorry you had this ordeal, hope things get better.

M

Wow, that's awesome to get so many responses! I just wanted to add mine too. I don't think you overreacted at all. I would have snatched my baby away too if someone was doing ANYTHING I didn't understand without asking me.

As a parent, you are #1. Grandparents, while they are wonderful and amazing (oftentimes), are not the *parents*. She does not have rights to the child. I'm Christian too, my sister is not. Never in a million years would I consider having her baby baptized or blessed, or anything like that, without her permission. It's my sister's baby, not mine.

In your case, she's the grandma, not the mom. She simply does not have the right to do anything to your baby that you don't previously approve.

I don't believe your bigoted or anything along those lines just because you don't want religious ceremonies done on your child. You say you come from a two-faith home, but it kinda sounds like you come from a one-faith home. Your hubby doesn't seem to have much faith in anything, so that defaults to your faith.

It's a completely different topic (in my thinking) to teach him about his culture and that part of his family, and I think that's awesome for him to learn about all of that...no reason to do religious anything to him, though. I would stand my ground firmly on this, unless your husband suddenly becomes a true believer in Hindu. Then you'd need to find a compromise.

But what the grandmother believes should not influence you religiously at all. My MIL is of a different faith than me, and I absolutely would not be okay with her doing something similar. Its not because I'm bigoted, it's because I'm the mom, and it's *my* child and *my* job to raise my babies in the way *I* feel is right. I really don't believe grandmothers carry any say in that. If it was your husband - different story. If he's just saying he wants to do it to make his mom happy, that wouldnt' be a good enough reason for me.

I know there are differences in culture, and she's probably not intending to be rude. So everything should be done with respect. But hopefully she can see that she's not respecting you by trying to force her culture on you and your baby without even asking you. She needs to understand that here in the USA, things are done differently and you/hubby have priority. I wonder if she would open her mind to that.

Oh, and how frustrating about the male/female importance thing...argh. Stuff like that drives me crazy!

Wow! You have quite a few responses but I felt like adding one too! ;) I read through a lot of them and it seems you have varying opinions! I'm in an interfaith marriage as well and although it isn't as different as yours, it can be difficult. I was offended by the poster who wrote that she would have reacted differently except for not marrying a person of a different faith, basically applying he'd go to Hell...uh wow. Anyway, I think that you seem to have good perspective on things and although you may have blown your cool in the beginning, it was kind of justified! Yes, you could have been/should have been more appropriate, but everything considered at least it's in the open now!

I think you need to discuss with your husband which parts of his religion/childhood/upbringing he wants to be part of your son's life. I see the bigger issue as your husband and MIL not talking to you about their wants and desires first as the problem. I'd be pissed too...but knowing that you entered into this relationship, I'm sure you prepared for compromise. So, start with Hubby and figure out what is majorly important or not important to him and then ask him to talk to his mother. Then he can come to you and you can both decide what will happen from here on out.

Good luck! Relationships with the in laws change after babies come...!

I agree with Lesley B. My mother inlaw is very catholic. When we bought our home she came right over spraying Holy Water in every room saying prayers to get out evil spirits, back 1995. At Easter this year she came over with Holy Water, since we mentioned our boys were having nightmares. She threw holy water at everyone and in every room saying prayers under her breath. When my family looked at me as if she's crazy I just laughed and said blessings for all get in line and some other fun remark. They all laughed saying bless me now, bless her she's been evil. It ended up being very entertaining. Sometimes you got to go with the flow. Hope this helps.

I know you have a ton of varying responses, but i just wanted to chime in that I think i would have had the exact same reaction if anyone was doing a ceremony sprinkling an unknown red powder over my son WITHOUT SPEAKING TO ME ABOUT IT FIRST! That seems like its the biggest issue, that she didn't respect you enough to discuss what she wanted to do and why it was important. From your "what happened" you seem like the type of person who would have been tolerant if you had the chance to discuss this ahead of time with her, or at least with your husband. Its all about the communication.
So just wanted to let you know that, yes it was an overreaction, but I would have freaked too! :) Good luck in learning how to raise your son in a Christian home while respecting his heritage and grandmother's beliefs, that's great that you're encouraging and even leading his learning on Hindu... but i think that as long as parents teach tolerance and are open to their child changing religions in the future, there is nothing wrong with wanting to raise your own child in your faith, especially if both parents are on board. And I think a grandparent trying to challenge or change that is disrespectful - she was able to raise her children as she wanted, now its your turn.

Of course your MIL isn't going to do anything to harm your son and has the best of intentions! But I don't think that's the point. Because you believe so strongly in your religion, you do not want him participating in religious ceremonies that are not of your faith. While some may argue it won't hurt your son to have this religious ceremony done to him, that isn't the point of your concern. If your husband wanted to raise your son Hindu, I would feel differently, but I agree with you: the grandmother should not have any say in how your son is raised -- religiously or otherwise. Tolerance and respect need to be two-way streets, and in this case, your MIL needs to respect YOUR religious beliefs.

Certainly, your MIL and husband can and should teach your son about the Hindu religion and their culture as he gets older -- it's part of his heritage, after all -- but that doesn't mean that he should be raised Hindu or participate Hindu ceremonies.

***Edit
Just read your "So What Happened." I think you are absolutely right. I think it is amazing that you are taking the ball on teaching your son about the Hindi culture. But I agree: you can't be two religions. Just wanted to state again that I don't believe you are being irrational in wanting your son to be raised the way you want him to be raised.