My Mother in Law

Hi, R.!
I have lived for many years in Miami, so I can tell you that most people of spanish descent do not intent to hurt your feelings when they talk their language around you. They just have a very strong cultural tradition. Even though it may be hard for you to take it, try to survive through this. Your son may thank you later for letting him learn another language. It is a good thing.
Good luck!
D.

Hi R.,

I applaud you for taking the initiative to learn Spanish.

I have to disagree with many of the others who have responded because I do not think you are overreacting at all and your mother-in-law is being disrespectful to you. I do agree that speaking another language, particularly Spanish, can be beneficial to your child in many ways, but he is YOUR son, not hers. You call the shots and she should listen to you. I also think you should discuss the issue with your husband, get his support so he can support you, too and stick up for you with his mother.

Good luck!

R., don't take it to the heart....i am sure if she is saying something wrong or outta place your husband will talk to his mom, however this is really good that she is talking and teaching spanish to your family/son......bilingual people in this lifetime get better degrees and sucess at a greater rates!
thank her for teaching your son but inform her that when she says something in spanish to back it with english so you can learn and teach him as well when she is not around!
so for example if she is teaching colors: Rojo = Red
so he'll learn faster as well.
I do experience the same things at times because in our family we have italian, arabic, spanish, english and some french
so we teach one another by backing it with english since that is the #1 language everyone understands.
I wish you the best and if you have any other questions please feel free to contact me!
P.S. another thing you can do is get a small voice recorder and record her whole visit and then go to someone who will help you translate what was said and then you'll have a better idea of what she is doing and saying.
maybe all her intentions are good and really have your sons interest at heart.

Hi R.,
I do not know your family, but based on what you said, I would advise you to just let it be. You'll thank her later for speaking spanish to your child now. When you speak two languages the third one will come easier. And as you know globalization is here to stay. Good luck.

Hi R.!
I have to say you're overreacting, yes...
I have a mother in law that drives me NUTS! HOWEVER, you should be so happy that your MIL is doing your son a favor by speaking Spanish to him. I was married previously to a Dominican and I didn't speak Spanish when we met, but it was important enough to me to learn it and I did within a year, now I'm completely fluent, it's an incredible and valuable asset. She not doing it to be nasty to you, don't worry about what she's saying to him, try to pick out one word, remember it, say it over and over, look it up in the Spanish-English dictionary and then do it again the next time. Pretty soon, you'll have a decent vocabulary built up. I know that every little thing a MIL does can seem like it's done to spite you, trust me, I think mine is at home right now plotting my death so she can take my baby, but it's not like that. She's not trying to disrespect you, trust me, I speak in Spanish all the time around my new husband and if I thought for a minute he felt disrespected, I would feel horrible!
This is a good thing, let your baby be exposed to his father's culture and language. You married a Latin man, be proud of that for your son's sake.

Hello, Grandmas only want the best for their grandchildren. However they could be a pain...You are so fortunate that your children have Grandma in their lives. It is a huge benefit for kids to understand and speak in more than one language especially Spanish. I think it's great that you took the inititive and showed interst to learn Spanish. It might be a great opportunity for three of you to spend quality time together by practicing Spanish (for free)
Beata

I think you are over reacting. You should look at it like an opportunity for your son to be bilingual. My daughter's father is from Brazil and although my Portuguese is really bad I always encourage him to talk to her in Portuguese. I even try to talk in Portuguese to her by telling her the words that I know. If you want to learn some Spanish check out www.byki.com they offer a free program to help you learn different languages. It works like a slide show and it makes learning a new language easy since they actually say to words along with each slide. I love it and even my daughter who is only 16 months loves to look at the slides as them come up on the computer

BTW - where do you live? I'd love to find someone to walk with as well. We live in Indian Shores right next to Seminole.

Hi R. ... I will give you the flip side and then you can make your decision on weather you are over reacting or not.

I am from South America, my ex-husband is from the US - he didn't speak spanish either, but obviously knew that was a big part of my culture and family as I still speak spanish to my family (yes even when he was around - and would just translate for him).

When our daughter was born, I ONLY spoke spanish to her (as I still do) and he spoke english. As much as he didn't know what I was saying to her, he was never bothered because he knew it was me loving my child.

As she got older, he too started picking up more words as he heard me teach her ... so did his family, by the way.

Now we are no longer together, she is four years old and completely bilingual .. if I say something to her in front of him, I will translate or she will ... I think he and his family understood that it has nothing to do with disrespect, nor wanting to leave anyone out, as much as it is about teaching her something that not only will put her ahead of the rest, but also help her communicate with her family who do not speak english.

I think you should be happy your son is lucky to be growing up learning two languages, which will just give him a head start in everything he does ... and yes, along the way hopefully you too will learn.

Does this help at all?

my husband is mexican-american, and his mother (though she never taught her own children the language) speaks to our children in spanish and buys them all spanish toys. i am happy that she is helping introduce my children to this side of their culture and it is definitely enriching to their minds. also, i know that as they grow it will be very useful in our society. i am also trying to learn spanish so that i can help teach my children and be able to speak with other members of my husband's family. it is much more difficult as an adult to learn this than what it would be as a child. your mother in law may want to have her own little relationship with your son that the two of them can "retreat" to when they get together. though, it is touching and understandable. it is also unfair to you. because while they should have their own seperate relationship, they should not ever knowingly exclude you. that is rude and hurtful.try to talk to her. ask her to teach you spanish. tell her how she is making you feel. chances are she has no idea that she is alienating you. also, maybe it is hard for her to translate the languages. i hope that it works out for you! good luck!

Race mixing causing a number of issues that a couple never anticipates.

Hi, i can understand that you would feel uncomfortable about people talking spanish around you when you do not understand the language. I am also puerto rican, but i was raised speaking english. my spanish is not the greatest, but my parents speak in spanish to my children because, they regret not teaching us spanish growing up. i dont think your mother inlaw is being disrespectful. i think she just wants her grandchild to learn and know about his latin culture. so speaking to him in spanish will only benefit him in the future because he will be bilingual. if she is hesitating to answer your questions when u ask her what she is saying, maybe its hard for her to translate it in english and she does not know quite how to explain it to you. also, being that i am also puerto rican, puerto ricans spanish is not exactly the same type of spanish you would learn from a book or a spanish class. puerto ricans use a lot of slang type of words that are different from other spanish cultures. so maybe she does not know how to translate to english what she is saying in spanish. but either way, you should be happy that your son will know two languages. and maybe your husband can help translate the things that you dont understand. maybe he can help you to learn "puerto rican" spanish!
good luck!!

H.

Hi honey. My son is half Puerto Rican as well. I dont know the whole language but I am learing. Pay attention to his mom and how she is talking. She might of hesitated to tell you b/c she didnt know how to explain it. Some of the things are not as easy to interpret as you think. I think you should let your son learn another language. Especially one that he is apart of. My son is. When they get to be our age a second language will be the best thing for them. Jobs will prolly require a second langage. I know it worries you b/c you dont want them to be mean or say something you dont agree with but remember they are his family too and Puerto Rican are more protective than you realize of their family members. Especially the babies. I dont believe they would disrespect you in any way. Only you would know though. :0

Add me to the list of "mil drives me nuts." I think it's great that she's speaking to him in Spanish. If you research it you'll find just how good it is for him.

Her attitude with it would get under my skin too. Mabye she just wants to have that special between the two of them. I'm sure she's not saying anything bad. What I would do is learn Spanish and then surprise her (or make her mad, lol) when you know what she's saying.

Hi R.,
I have to disagree with the others. I don't feel you are over reacting if she hesitates to translate for you.
My mother was Japanese. She always said that it was rude to speak another language in the presence of people who don't understand it. She comprared it to whispering.
I do however, think it's beneficial to both you & your child to speak another language. Maybe you or your husband could encourage your MIL to teach you.

R.,
One word YES! Stay strong and politely ask that she try not to do it at least while your around.
Good Luck,
A.

Don't be uncomfy, R., a second language is one of the best gifts you can bestow upon your son. My son is half Mexican, and though my boyfriend and I have always spoken to each other in English, we try to pepper our conversations with Spanish words and when we go to visit the abuelos we make sure they speak to him in Spanish. I am not fluent, but grew up in Miami, so I'm decent at Spanish, which makes it easier. How old is your son, though, because if you'd like to get the boys together to practice your Spanish and his, let me know! I can't have long conversations, but I could certainly help you get used to throwing phrases in here and there.

R.

Hi R.,
I would love to have a family member who speaks another language to teach my 4 year old daughter a new language. Try to approach this situation from another point of view. Use it to your advantage. Ask your mother-in-law to teach you spanish. Tell her you want your children to learn their father's native language and you'd like to reinforce what she is teaching them when she is not around. Her response might surprise you.

Also, she may be hesitant to tell you what she is saying to him because she may be saying sweet things that she just wants to keep between the two of them. Try to keep positive. Approaching her in a different way could really turn the situation around. Good luck!

A little about myself. I am 35 years old with a 4 year old daughter. I am also a writer. My specialty is romance novels and I am currently trying to get published as well.

A few years back I had a problem with my mother-in-law and I realized that I can't change her attitude but I can change mine. I started to approach her in a different way and she responded with flying colors. We now get along much better.

I would first talk to you husband about it and explain to him how it makes you feel. Then tell him that you want to talk to his mom about it or if he could, cause you don't want to step over boundaries. Then I would most likely talk to her and tell her not to talk to him in spanish, a language that you do not understand or speak, out of respect especially if she's hesitant on telling you what she's saying. No matter what that's your child, you have the say so on what goes on his life. I would just explain it, that you feel left out of it, because of the fact that you don't speak spanish, and you don't appreciate her talking spanish to him without you knowing what's she's saying.

I don't think you are over reacting. You need to try to explain to her that you would like her to speak English (if that is your primary language). He is your sin and the rules should be yours. May be your husband should step in and help so she doesn't get mad at you. My mother in-law will be living with us for a short time and I already told her-My house, My rules. Hope this helps. Good Luck

She probably just wants to make sure that your son keeps some of his heritage and learns his fathers language. Does she do it when your husband is around or only when it is you and the baby? Really, what could she be saying to him? She is probably just telling him how cute or smart or wonderful he is. Or talking to him about things (look at the red apple: mira la manzana roja) to get him to learn some spanish words.
I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I think you are totally right. She is being disrespectful and I would have your husband sit down with her and explain the situation. Since it is his mom it really should be his job to tell her how you feel. I think your feelings are justified. You don't know what she is saying and that can be a bad situation. I got along great with my in-laws as well until I had my first child and then issues and problems arose. For me my husband is too big of a baby to talk to his parents so I try to do what I can to make the situation better but I really don't have the guts to tell them upfront how I feel since they aren't my parents. I would be proact- learn as much Spanish as you can. Have your husband teach you etc. When she says something to your son ask her what did "---" mean, and tell her you are trying to learn Spanish so it would be helpful. Good luck and trust me a good relationship with the in-laws can change into a bad one once the kids come along, I am prove of that. You need to make your boundaries now and set rules so you can stop future problems from arising.

R.,
My mother is Italian (WWII bride) and her English was very limited when my dad was transferred back stateside. Their first stateside assignment was away from his home town and the people there really helped my mom learn the language. She had 2 little children at that time (my older brothers) who spoke Italian and was learning English. When my dad separated from the military and moved to his hometown, my mother felt VERY uncomfortable around her mother-in-law (my grandmother). My grandmother didn't try to help my mom and would laugh and laugh at my mother's mistakes. (i.e. telling my brothers they "broke" their pants instead of "tearing" them) My grandmother EXTREMELY discouraged the speaking of Italian. My mom would have to wait until my dad came home from work to ask him questions about her mistakes that day. As a result, my brothers "lost" their Italian language and the rest of us don't speak it either. My mother currently lives with us and we have tried "Italian" supper night where only Italian is spoken ... but we haven't been real successful because we end up laughing at each other!!! But ... I'm hoping that my 9 yr old daughter picks up some. I speak a little now ... but am concerned as my mother grows older that she'll revert totally to Italian and I won't be able to communicate with her.

Another scenario is that my husband has a daughter from a previous marriage to a German native. His ex-wife spoke fluent English, however chose to ONLY speak German to his daughter. My husband speaks fluent German as well. My husband and I were stationed in Germany for about 4 years. Our first born (son - now 19) was an infant during this time. His "nanny" (who we called Oma - grandmother in German) was German and spoke little English. However, Oma's son and daughter spoke English very well (although they were shy about it) and we communicated very well. However ... if my husband and I went to dinner with his ex, daughter and our son ... they would ONLY speak German at the table. I found this rude and un-called for. But ... to have said something would have only made his ex seem to be more in charge. I'm glad I swallowed my tongue. Our son's first language was German but ... I actually learned more German than Italian because my son was learning and so I know "baby" German. Our son does not remember ANY German now and I regret that. His step sister and he are VERY close now. She currently attends VMI and of course speaks both languages fluently. Our son deeply regrets that we didn't encourage the German language.

When your mother in law speaks spanish to your little one ... I would tell her, "I think it's great that my kids have the opportunity to learn another language. What did you just say so that I can learn it too?" Get her to repeat it in Spanish and then try it. Get your 9 yr old involved in it also. Get your husband to teach the dialect to all of you. I bet the mother in law is not trying to be rude ... but may be hesitant because some things are just not translated well into English.
At least that's the way it was for Oma in Germany. But her children were younger and we could laugh about how silly it sounded translated into English verbatim. Oma would then laugh about it too.

At least that's my opinion and may give you something to think about. LOL Hope this helps.

S.
www.workathomeunited.com/S.

Maybe you should ask her to teach you spanish so you will know what is being said. She could lie to you & you wouldn't know. Your child is half Puerto Rican. You should be happy that she is trying to teach him that part. You knew your husband & his family were Puerto Rican when you married him, you should at leat have been trying to learn about them. If you wanted an all english speaking house then you shouldn't have married your husband. Your mother in law is just trying to bond with your baby.

Hello R.! I would love to meet with you and walk. My kids are 13g, 11b, 6b.
As far as the mil issue... keep learning spanish. I think it is great that your children can have the option to grow up bi-lingual. As your husband to "tutor" you also. It could be a lot of fun. I never did learn Spanish in high school and I wish I had paid more attention to it. It truly is a beautiful language.
If interested in getting together for a walk... e-mail me at ____@____.com to hear from you and good luck with espaniol... (sp)

Your fitness friend,
M.

I am sure it is uncomfortable because you do not know what is being said but imagine the benefits for your child. By her speaking to him in Spanish it will make it easier to learn the language and maybe one day be able to teach it to you. There are many benefits of being bilingual.