Toddler Tantrums

Hi B.,
That's a typical 2 year old for you. My daughter is 2.5 yrs old and when she throughs tantrums I will take the time to explain to her in a calm manner why she cannot do or have what she wants and if she still cry's I just walk away and say: You can cry if you want to but that's not gonna change my mind". I do evaluate if what she wants is safe for her or if it's a toy or not. Sometimes she'll kick and scream laying on the floor and I'll just sit there calmly and wait for her to get over it. She doesn't want me to touch her, talk to her or do anything, so I just let her get over it. Good luck.

E. Moreno
www.womenonamission.com

I agree with Julia Smithson's advice. Rather than "punish" the tears/tantrums/outbursts, I empathize "I see you are very sad/very angry" and acknowledge what is going on and then try to talk him through it to get to the BOTTOM/true source of it. I have a 7 year old son. When I empathize with him, the flood gates open and he opens up and talks and lets it all out. I cannot "save" him frome very negative experience, but I can be there to listen to him and be someone he can go to when he needs help. If I "punished" him every time he "acted" out, our bond would be severed AND how would he act when he grows up? Would he go to his parents for guidance/help? Or his clueless peers? Shiver. Author Aletha Solter has wonderful ARTICLES on Discipline, Tears and Tantrums on her website. http://www.awareparenting.com/ Read her article UNDERSTANDING TEARS AND TANTRUMS. She talks about the Broken Cookie Phenomenon. I heard her explain this in a seminar... a little girl gets dropped off at day care or preschool. She is sad to be dropped off. Her best friend is not there yet. Someone else is riding on her favorite swing. Inside, she looks for something to do. She can't find a seat for an activity she wants... on and on... She's fine all day at school. At home, mom offers a cookie, she says yes. There is one cookie left at the bottom, "oops it's broken." Child finally has an "excuse" to let it all out. Is she a brat? Is it really about the darn broken cookie. No. Be easy on yourself. I know you are all going through a hard time.

Hi B.,
I've been going through the exact same thing. My sister, a mother of 3 boys, told me (and I agree now) to not allow them to throw the tantrum. What I now do is pick him up and sit him on the floor away from any toys (I even do this in a store). I tell him clearly (getting down on my knees so that I 'm speaking to him at his level) and explain that we don't act that way. He is not allowed to scream and kick and act like that. I tell him that if he continues to act that way there will be a consequence that he will not like. I will take away his blanket for a while or a favorite toy or he'll be put in his bed for a time out with no comfort toys, blankets, etc.
My son gets it. He stil does it probably 1 or 2 times a day but for a very short time compared to crying for 5 minutes 5 or 6 times a day and driving me nuts.
Give it a try. I know it sounds mature for a 2 year old but they are much smarter then you think.
I also recommed a book that I like that really gives a clear view of boys at the different ages, it is called Mothers and Sons- raising boys to be men. It is a good read if you can find the time. I have 2 girls 6 and 4 and it is night and day in raising them. I do find that most bad habits stop pretty quickly usually bringing a new one.
Good luck and if you beleive in God pray daily for him, yourself and with him.
By the way, i find that boys need distraction. If they are bored they tend to get into trouble. Try your best to keep him busy.

B., I would STRONGLY caution you against the use of punishment, prohibition or ingnoring of the tantrums. I think your child is telling you that he has inner unhappiness which you need to find the root cause of. The crying/tantrumming episodes that you describe are his ONLY means of telling you he is anxious/insecure/sad/worried about something. You need to slow down, look at the situation a little more closely, find his "triggers (Your leaving his sight seems to be a big one)," then be really honest with yourself about what he's asking for. 2-year-olds are NOT manipulative, dishonest or independent - even though this is the underlying message in much of the popular advice. Toddlers want their parents' attention, unconditional acceptance (which means embracing EVERY one of their emotional expressions) and trust in their world - NOT to manipulate the world into their own pre-conceived idea of what it should be (as if they came out of the womb with a PLAN. Please). Toddlers are VERY easy to turn around with an empathy approach; but it takes consistency and extreme self-control.

Try this approach (if you don't already do this): When he's tantrumming next, take a deep breath, remember that he's a tiny person with an overwhelming emotion that he can't control, and that he is crying out for your help. Calmly tell him that you understand he's upset/disappointed/scared (etc.) and that you hear him and want to help him. Make sure he can't hurt himself or you, but stay close and DON'T ignore him (Ignoring him is the same as abandoning him: condtional love, based on BEHAVIOR). If you're in public, carry him off to the car. Sit with him until he comes out of it. He needs to know you're a support and that he is safe to express his feelings with you. Touch him and talk soothingly. When he's done, he should come to you for holding; if he doesn't initiate this, pick him up and hug him. Tell him, e.g.: "I know it's hard when you don't get ...(??), when Mommy has to go potty (etc.)." At this point, he'll most likely redirect himself, or lead you to engage with him in, an acceptable activity. You'll have to consistently do this for about a week before he starts to accept the change. Then he'll probably regress a little - swinging wildly the other way, to test your commitment.

Tantrums should not be embarrassing. People who think children should act like little robots are the ones with the "problem." Ignore the old ladies who glare at you for the way your child "misbehaves." By listening to your child's language and responding lovingly and empathetically, you are reinforcing the most IMPERATIVE foundation that your child will need throughout his life: his bond with his parents, and belief in their unconditional love. You can't shame him for FEELING. Children can be stifled and punished into "behaving" any way we want them to - but, as in everything, the easy way is usually the wrong way.

The other thought I had is that your part-time childcare may not be in sync with you, discipline-wise. Possibly, she is taking a more "cookie-cutter (1,2,3, timeout!)" approach - which is causing him to run to you for consoling and reassurance. I would double-check that.

I can't say it enough: "Smart Love" is the best parenting book! :)

Take care,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

~edit: I just came back to read the additional responses and I have to thank Tanya for that WONDERFUL link! I have added it to my website and I'm ordering two of her books. I love that this philosophy is catching on. This is VERY encouraging! A flower for Tanya...:-)

Welcome to "Toddlerhood"! It is going to be a bumpy ride, so keep those hands and tempers at safe levels and locations! (Yours and his!) You are ABSOLUTELY doing right by teaching him limits and boundries! Depending on how verbal he is, you may consider teaching him a few words in Sign Language. http://www.aslpro.com/cgi-bin/aslpro/aslpro.cgi is a free "online sign language dictionary" and I have used it to learn quite a few signs. I started teaching my son when he was about 9 months, maybe a little younger. A lot of Tantrums are caused by them not being able to fully express their desire. At his age the few I'd still teach him would be Help, Play, and Want.

On the other hand, if he is already highly verbal, teaching him to use his words is improtant. My son is 2 1/2, HIGHLY verbal, very sweet... and the biggest PUNK any of you have EVER had to deal with! Sure- everyone tells me how good he is at church, with his cousins, blah, blah, blah! But I know him well enough to know- EVERYONE'S LYING! He ALWAYS trys to take the toys the other kids are playing with. The girl I baby-sit is a few months younger, and about 10 inches and 10 pounds less than him. SHE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE if I don't bud in! I'm constantly telling him "We need to share", "It's her turn now", "You can play with this one"... I feel like I should give ALL his toys to her and tell him he isn't allowed to touch ANY of them. This is when my advice to "keep those hands and tempers at safe levels and locations" comes into play. It's hard to not lay into your kid when you KNOW he's being a punk, but you have to step back and remember, HE'S ONLY 2! Teaching him what you expect of him is a crucial part of his developement. (And YOURS!) If you give in to his every desire and tantrum, you'll be raising a "Parent Torchering Tirant".

As hard as it is to not give in, just to be able to finish a thought without the screeching backgound noise, know that you're doing the right thing!

Your fellow aching mom of a 2 year old~ J.

OMG, when I saw your question I couldn't resist giving my two cents. I have two girls - a 4 yo and an 18 mo. I'm in toddler and preschooler hell. My 18mo swings her arms, hits and says "no" (its her favorite word besides "cookie") when she doesn't get her way. My 4 yo's favorite words are "but I want it" over and over and over until she gets what she wants (which is rare) My DH and I are really big on manners and respect so we rarely give in to tantrums if ever. I try and reason with her, keeping my cool but it wears on you after the 100th "but I want it". Timeouts are big in our house even when they are kicking and screaming. I run a home daycare and the 4 yo (who was home yesterday from preschool) has a complete meltdown over a particular spoon she wanted that another child already was using. To sum things up, I offered many other spoons which she didn't go for. I explained to her that just because she wanted it I wasn' going to take it away from another child. She screamed at me and then actually swung at me and connected. For that, she lost her princess dresses for a week. My biggest suggestion is to ignore the tantrums and crying. Acknowledge their unhappiness, explain what you can in simple terms for their age and go about your business. They are looking for a reaction from you and if it works, the temper tantrums get worse over time. Timeouts and taking favorite toys away work great in our house on our 4 yo. My 18 mo just got her first timeout recently from DH for hitting her older sister. We do a minute of timeout for each year of age. Welcome to the Toddler Tantrum Club - ALL mothers UNFORTUNATELY are members. Know that you are not alone and whatever you do, never give in once you have said no, it will only get worse for you as they get older and always follow through on your threats no matter how much they beg or promise.

can you take a vacation or break from work? maybe he doesnt like his day care?

Distract, distract, distract! I am going thru the same with my 17 month old. Her new favorite thing to say is: "I don't want to". LOL Welcome to the terrible 2's (we joined early). I just always try to distract or change her interest. If she wants to watch Elmo for the 3rd time - I try to get her interested in drawing or reading a book or going outside to kick the ball around. Usually I find she is just bored and any other type of interaction I introduce to her w/ or without me usually works. Give all the love and attention you can, basically that cures everything!
K.
Kellyis.stayinhomeandlovinit.com

Personally, I agree with what you're doing. My son still has the occasional temper tantrum, and while I won't let him hurt himself or others, I generally let him cry it out. If we're in public, I'll let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that if it continues he will be in "time-out" when we get home. It usually works.

Welcome to terrible twos. Stay strong, don't give in. when he is not acting out that's when you give love and attention. Ignore the crying and it is okay. Walk away or re-direct. Good luck.