Toddler Not Happy with New Baby

My daughter was the same way, but with us it got way better after the first month... I think it's fine to spoil him a little, and if you can find ways for him to help with the baby so he feels like the baby is his that helps a lot. Some friends had the baby give the next sibling up a present ,and I heard that helps too.

Good luck!

hi R.,
i have 2 boys one 5mths and one 2 and they are 21 mths apart in age. my toddler was also jealous. i would advise you to give the tot as much attention as possible. the baby will never remember who was holding him,etc. your tot knows the difference now and longs for his mom's love. spoil him and when you can, try to get him to kiss the baby, hug the baby, etc. it might take time, but he'll come around. good luck.

i honestly never let any of my 4 have a bottle of anything but water during the night from a year or so. my older two by 6 months were sleeping through the night anyways. my younger 2 most of the time sleep through the night...they only get water during the night now. I would say let your 20 month old help as much with new baby as possible. hold him and the new baby as much as you can at the same time having the toddler "hold" the nw baby for you. and yes show him some extra attention an d praise him for good behavior as much as you can even something simple like sitting on the couch for a couple minutes. I now imagine when you sift through all the information you have you will figure out what works best in your house and stick with it until it doesn't work anymore..

First of all congrats!! I don't know about just letting him CIO at night but if he is 20 months old he definately doesn't need to have milk in the middle of the night. Maybe keep watering it down until he is just getting water and maybe he will stop wanting it in the middle of the night. Tough situation though with a newborn you just need to be careful I thing you are right with trying to give him as much love and attention as you possibly can. I'm sure that it will get easier and he will adjust soon. Just be caring and understand that is a big change for him to go through also and he doesn't fully understand so letting him cry at night I think is unfair.

My son was the same age as your toddler when I had another boy. He also had a really hard time -- he previously had been going down painlessly every night and sleeping all the way through, but as soon as the new baby arrived, he started having trouble going to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night. He started talking late, so he didn't have any words to explain his feelings. Like you, I wanted to give him some special attention during a confusing and scary time, but I didn't want to spoil him forever, and I was getting frustrated with the bedtime difficulties. I think this situation went on for about a month, and then I just had a feeling it was the right time to let him cry it out. I still went to him when he woke up in the night, but I didn't do anything more than tell him it was time to go back to sleep. In a few days, he was back to sleeping all the way through. So I say trust your intuition and spoil your son while you think he needs it, but make sure it doesn't go on forever.

Someone suggested giving your son some private time before bed -- that's a great idea if you're not already doing it. My husband and I started reading our older son stories all on his own -- the baby wasn't alowed to be there -- and that seemed to help. Now the baby is 8 months old, and it's no longer an issue if he is around at story time.

I, too, am a mom of three boys. Each were less than 18 months apart. You must be soooo tired and I give you credit for even being able to get some computer time to ask for help!! I had a couple of thoughts that may help - someone already mentioned this, but getting him off the bottle might help - it sounds like it is a comfort thing for him so it might be really hard but the longer you wait the harder it will be. My other thought is try having your husband handle him at night. You still may not sleep, but your son will get the message that you won't be the one to put him back to bed. Your husband can still give him his bottle and rock him, but he might give it up after a night or two. I'm sure your husband already has a pretty active role - and your son may be upset that he's not getting your attention at night - but after a few nights it might work.

Hi R.,
Yes, it is not good to spoil him because you feel bad for him. Sorry. Let's see if we can change this around a little. Try giving him the attention he deserves every day (as you have been). At night, make sure you or Dad have very special time with him quietly before bedtime. Explain only two times, that you will not be giving him a bottle in the middle of the night because it is not good for his teeth. If he wakes, do not pick him up. Walk him to his bed, have him put himself in, and hug him once. Walk away and let him cry. Again, it may be your feelings that are compounding his. Stay calm and know that while he is adjusting to being a middle child, that he is gaining strength from the experience. About him not having enough words to express himself, I'm thinking his feelings are very understandable and not complicated: I'm not happy with being second banana. And that's ok, he doesn't have to be happy all the time. Just keep letting him know he's loved, and you are doing a fine job.

I also have three boys and I have been lucky that I have not had to deal with much jealousy (although the 13 month old gets a bit sad when I am cuddling with the older two.) I would suggest that you give each child as much attention as they individually need. Maybe ask your husband for help and after nursing the baby at night going in with your 20 month old and just cuddling and talking about the day with just the two of you. This might show him that he individually means the world to you. During the day when you are nursing the baby make sure the toddler has something special for him (i.e. a special snack, a favorite toy, or even a short tv show.) I would always make sure the other two boys were completely set up before nursing the baby, that way I could focus that time on the baby. I know there is so much juggling involved at this age. Ask for help if you need it. It will get better...I promise!!!

Much luck,

H. Z. (SAHM to 4 3/4, 3 1/2 and 13 month old boys)

Hi R.,
It's been a long time since my children were small, but when I had my second & third, I found a few helpful things to combat the jealousy. I always kept a book of photos nearby showing me with the older children as infants, being held, fed, and played with. We'd have fun as I nursed, looking a the pictures, casually talking about how much time it took to take care of them when they were babies, and how I loved that they were so much bigger now and able to help me with the baby, etc., etc. We also had certain toys that were only for use while Mom nursed the baby. I found that the older children really enjoyed spending their special before-bed-time with Mommy while Dad took care of the baby; they each got 1/2 hr to themselves to talk about their day, sing, do a puzzle or read. Sometimes I would let the baby fuss (if he was just 'fussing' - not if he really started to cry...) for a short time to tend to the older ones saying, "I'm sorry baby, but your brother needs Mommy right now - You need to wait. I'll get you in a minute!" Too often it really needs to be the other way around, and it made the older ones feel quite special when they felt their needs could come first for a change. After a while, I found they'd start to tell me "It's okay, Mommy, I can wait - you take care of the baby first." As far as the bottles in the night - maybe try offering something else, or as advised by others, slowly adding more & more water to the milk - but if you take it away & let him cry he'll just begin to feel he was absolutely right: it's all the baby's fault, and you really love the baby more! I always remember the analogy that bringing home a new baby feels to your toddler the same as if your husband brought home a new wife saying, isn't she cute? You can learn to share with her! Won't it be fun to have a new wife in the house to keep you company? Hmmm... food for thought, isn't it?
Good Luck! You'll be fine~

R.; I had 3 yr. old triplet boys when my fourth son came along. Concerned with new baby attention and breast feeding time I came up with a solution that worked 95% of the time. Prior to his birth I had purchased small inexpensive gifts times three wrapped them up and tied them in threes. When friend/relatives stopped by and gave the baby a gift I pulled out their special little gift. In addition I had collected small safe unique/different toys in a large tote. My sons knew every time I breast fed the baby they were allowed to play with the "Special Breastfeeding Toys". When breastfeeding was done the toys went away till next feeding. I tried to give them a little warning before ending the feeding time. They looked forward to the "breasie toy bag".
Hey, it might work as well for you. Sharing MOM is never easy and there is only so much of us to go around.
Enjoy, this too shall pass........W. B

Hi R.,
Sorry your little one is having difficulty. I don't think that it's horrible to "spoil" him during this time, however he may get used to that and expect it all the time. Also what's more concerning is that your 20 month old is still waking during the night for a feeding. I don't want to sound like the typical "male response" but your hubby is right in some regards. You should find a different way to have him soothe himself back to bed. I am not sure if he has a pacifier, but that may work. Or just go in rub his back and let him know it's OK and walk back out and see how he does. Start in 5 minute increments and then increase the time as the days go on... like for the first 3 days start at 5 minutes, next 3 days do 8 or 10, etc. Good luck, it will all work itself out in due time.

I have read the other responces and they all have good advice -- except for the bottle part. Just think abou tthis.... if your 20 month old has been having a bottle of milk or whatever for as long as they can remember and you take it away right this moment with baby getting a bottle and your 20 month old not getting a bottle -- well, I would think that would cause more problems than it would solve. Just my opinion.

There is nothing wrong with spoiling him and don't let anyone tell you that there is. As for the Cry it out method, I don't like that never did, and didn't use it with my son who is 3 and I won't use it with my 8 month old daughter either. I nursed my son (who sleeps in my bed, we're a co-sleeping family) I nursed my son during the night until he was a year and a half, so a bottle every now and then isn't that bad in my eyes, does he need it, no, but he might be wanting itcause of the new baby.

there is a great book, the no cry sleep solution, you should get it.

as for the rest, first congrats on the birth ofyour new son...

I say, give your 20 month old tuns of attention and he will see that you still love him as much as you did before the baby came, and I think that if you just let him cry it out it will make him think that you are ignoring him,

if you used the cry it out method before the baby was born, then fine if that is what you like, but if you haven't, don't use it now, trust me, it will make him think that he is being replaced, and could hurt him in the long run.

I say the best bet is what I said before, give him tuns of extra attention, and encourage him to touch and look at the baby, and hold him, while supervised by you of course, tell him how the baby will get bigger and they will be able to play together, and your son will eventually get used to him.

good luck!

D.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and with that said you are making a great effort. It must be really hard to balance it all. My daughter is 18 mos and seems to be going through a phase (and I pray it is just a phase) were everything makes her upset, I picked the wrong cup for her or she wants cheerios instead of fruit loops. She can talk a little and say NO very well but still cant communicate all that well.

I do think your husband is right on one thing though - let him cry it out at night. He needs to learn to get back to sleep by himself. Its just a change in his routine and he needs time to adjust to it.

I know kellymom.com has some great ideas on things to do with your toddler while nursing your newborn, ways to include him so he doesnt get over jealous - although his reaction to the baby is perfectly normal and if handled properly will go away eventually.

I guess all in all what I am saying is that I wouldnt spoil him too much but definately make special time for him (ie: you give him a bath instead of dad or somethign like that).

Good luck & Congrats on the new baby.

No, not bad at all. Gradually wean it and as he gets a bit older it too will pass.

Have you introduced a bottle to your 2 month old yet? If so, why dont you have your husband get up and feed the baby while you get your 2 year old back to bed, and switch off every other night. In time, your 2 year old will adjust to the new transition.