To Move or Not to Move?

Your guy knows that you have a child, a great job, and a your own home in
St. Louis....so why would he move 10 hours away from you and not ask you to move with him. I read this a a BIG red flag ! You should really ask yourself if what you are giving up is worth moving to be near someone, who obviously did not care enough to invite you in the first place ?? You also
mentioned it was only off and on dating ?? I agree with your family....you
could do better.

i think you've sugar coated it really nicely and you are seeing what you want to see, you've written a very compelling, well thought out argument in favor of doing what you want. the biggest thing you say though - HE didn't ask you. he moved without asking you to come. i think that's your answer. don't ever do anything for a man that is questionable for your daughter. you'd take her away from her family for a man that has commitment issues and hasn't asked you to come? don't do it. sorry. i'd rather see you move back south to where you went to college, just you and her. this would be a huge mistake, i feel. just my opinion, sorry girl.

Do not move for this man. Red flags everywhere, commitment issues is HUGE, HE did not ask you to move with him....this may hurt but if he wanted to be with you he would have asked. He didnt.....you can not change that. Your not the one he wants and I am sorry but do not up root your whole life.

You sound like such a smart women and mom. You have done so well and have a wonderful family that helps you. Not wanting to live where you are is just fine. You need to make yourself happy. Research warm places that attract you and visit them. Your family sounds wonderful and maybe they can help you make a decision on where you would like to live with your daughter. I also loved my home town and live away from it now, I never wanted to leave. I did leave and have very fond memories of my home town. I wish you luck in your venture. If your going to move , move for the right reasons.

I agree with your family and friends. I think you can do better. Don't jeopardize everything you have worked so hard to build for this guy. I would not move to follow him--if he loves you that much, he would respect the fact that you have established a home base for you and your daughter, and move to be near you. Sorry, but this guy is just not that into you.

After experiences in my life I will tell you that it is total bull _ _ it! That is a copout so he doesn't have to feel responsible when he decides to move to greener grass. My experience has been that when they love you they'll leave whatever they have and work very hard to let you know that they can't stand to be away. My current husband of 25 years, called every morning and I got teased daily by my co-workers constantly; however, he let me know that I was the most important thing in his life next to his two children -- and yes he had been married prior. Be selfish in your life and realize that men love the physical side of a relationship and if they don't have to commit you've told him it's okay that you are just there to be used. Also, you daughter will get attached and then when he doesn't come around -- how will that affect her.

Just some things for you to consider. I'm not saying that you can't move away from your family but just remember you don't need a man to make that move. Independence and requiring more for yourself it a wonderful thing. The relationship and friendship will come where ever you are -- even in St. Louis.

If you want to move, do it for the right reasons. A better job, a better environment for your child. A man is not necessarily a good reason. What if he still has commitment issues (for years to come) or you break up? Also, if he cares about you and your daughter, why did he move so far away from you? Was he feeling pressured into a relationship he just isn't ready for? Maybe he didn't pack up and run away, but maybe he just isn't into you that much. I've always believed if you are an independent woman who doesn't need a man, the right one will come along who will value your strength and be your perfect companion. You shouldn't have to chase him. He should be pursuing and wooing you. What ever you do, don't do it for anyone other than yourself and your daughter. Only you can decide what will really make you happy.

" on and off" for a year, and then he moves 10 hours away? He has "commitment issues? " He didn't ask you to marry him because he is scared ? PLEASE. Think of your daughter. WHY would you consider moving her away from all that she knows? To watch you get dumped while she spends time with an unfamiliar babysitter? If you love warmer weather, save up and take her to Hawaii for a couple of weeks. Since your family has done so much for you already, take a page from their book and do something for your daughter. Stay put. You can think about where " you" want to live when she goes to college.

Do not move away to be with this guy. You have a daughter, and your first priority is to take care of her and provide a stable life for her. This guy did not ask you to move, you are not married to him, and you say he has commitment issues. Basically, you will move there to be with him, he will not end up being your "partner" for any length of time, and you will have taken your daughter away from the only support and true family she has. You've already deprived her of a father by having her as a single woman, please stay close to your family so she can have some kind of support. And you really should not date until she is 18 and out of the house. You need to focus all of your energy on her right now because she is short one parent, and you need to make up the difference as best you can.

Stay with your family. I don't know why you would would want to leave your amazing, supportive family for some guy you have been dating on and off that has commitment issues. Think about your daughter too! Hope you make the right decision.

Stay near your family to keep you happy.Not to keep them happy. The grass is not greener on the other side. If he loosens up he will come to you. I am sorry to say this but he was able to move 10 hours away so he is not that nervous about some things. He apparently does not want to be too committed. I agree. I think you could do better. Listen to your friends and family. You have worked so hard, do not give it up. I am sure there is someone right around the corner in your neck of the woods waiting for someone special just like you.

It sounds like your making excuses to move because of this man. Do NOT move because of him.

Think of your daughter, she needs the support of your family even if you don't. Stay where you are.

You do what will make you happy but don't make that happiness dependent on a man. Only you can make yourself happy. And I cannot emphasize enough, you do not move because there is the possibility that this man will continue to provide you with "laughs and good conversation." I have had several relationships with men who have commitment issues. None of them have remained in my life. They have married and all of them have divorced again.

I met a man with whom I spent a great deal of time with while I was on vacation visiting a mutual friend. We wrote letters and talked on the phone every once in awhile. A few months later I decided to take a leave of absence and drive across the United States. I lived in Oregon. He lived in Maryland. I had wanted to do this for years. I told myself that I was doing this so that I could see the country and spend more time in the historic East. I'd traveled there often and loved it. I saw having him as a friend as a plus. When I got there I found that he had a girl friend about whom he had not told me. And that he couldn't see me at all. Our mutual friend said that my driving East to spend a year frightened him. I was devastated. I realized that he was a more important part of my decision that I'd realized.

I made the best of it and did eventually have a good time during the last 2 months that I was there. I did make a few friends but none of them were as good of friends as I had in Oregon. I loved being there. I had a difficult time deciding to return. What decided it for me was I had a very good paying job waiting for me in Oregon. I had only been able to find a minimum wage job in Maryland, even tho I had a BS. I returned to Oregon and am glad that I did.

I could take this risk because I was only responsible for myself. I was somewhat emotionally volatile for 2-3 months. I would not have been a good mother. I wasn't a particularly good friend either. I was depressed much of the time I was there.

Several years fter I returned I adopted a special needs 7 yo girl. I could not have raised her without my family and friends in Oregon.

Your friend may overcome his commitment issues with time. Of concern to me would be is he doing anything to deal with them. Ideally I would hope for counseling. If not counseling, is he aware that he has issues and is he thinking about them and working to change them? How long has he been divorced? Does he have children? Many things affect both his ability to make a commitment to you and whether or not your commitment to him is the best thing for you and your daughter.

Then, there is the possibility that you moving to his town/city will feel threatening to him. Have you talked in specific terms about this with him? What is his reaction? Looking back on my conversations with my east coast friend I did remember him saying, don't come back here just to see me. I wasn't going back just to see him and so I didn't pay much attention to that. I didn't expect an exclusive relationship and I told him that. His comment should have clued me in to the possibility of rejection once I got there.

I don't see your decision as one that will either make you happy or your family happy. You can be happy in either place. I see your decision as being more complicated than who to make happy. Your decision is about what will make you happy AND be the best for you and your daughter.

You have your daughter and her well being to consider. Will she receive good care; not OK or satisfactory care but care as good as she gets in St. Louis with your extended family? Will she feel secure? At 4 she has begun to adventure out away from you. She now has friends and family that she emotionally depends upon. They won't be available when they're 10 hours away. She will grieve that loss. And she won't understand why she has to move. She will depend more on you in the new place than she does now.

Moving will be a major change for both you and your daughter. It sounds like you did have some difficulty when you moved back to St. Louis. You felt that you were doing it for your family's happiness. That is part of the difficulty but you also had to adjust to a different way of living and doing things. It may be easier to discount that adjustment as being a part of making your family happy. Reality is that it's a major adjustment no matter why you make the move.

Will you have the time, energy and resources that you had as a college student when you moved away from St. Louis the first time? It is much more difficult to find community which includes friends with similar goals and life styles as well as the motivation and time to build friendships when you're not in school. You are now a mother and most mothers who work have little time to socialize. You were single and in school when you established yourself before.

You cannot depend on your friend to provide the type of support you have with your family in St. Louis or had when your daughter was born. Also, you said you've been dating off and on. What has changed so that it won't continue to be off and on. Did he include you in a discussion of his plans. Did he say that he would very much miss you and wished you lived closer? If not, this is a shaky relationship at best.

How do you know you will be able to find a job? Do you have specialized training in a field with not enough trained people? Jobs are much more difficult to find now than they were 2-3 years ago. And you found your current job with the help of your family.

I suggest that you spend some time thinking and writing about what would make you happy. It sounds like you'll be happy with this move because this guy with whom you've had a good time will be there. That is a very small part of your life. The description you give of your life in St. Louis is that of a good life that has taken some time to build. You say you want warmer weather. I don't think any place 10 hours from St. Louis would have noticeably warmer weather. You want a partner. Following this friend actually gets you no closer to a partner. He has commitment issues. Please accept that he may not resolve those issues and consider the strong possibility that your moving there will cause him to pull away. He also has the stress of a new place and a new job. Even if your presence doesn't add to his stress, the stress will change his relationship with you. I would put more trust, tho not a whole lot more, in the premise that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Why did your friend move? Does your friend have a job in this new place? What is his work history? Is he able to support a family financially and emotionally? Are these the questions your parents are concerned about? When we are young we don't like to think that our parents might know better than us but it is important to listen and consider their comments because they have had much more experience than we have. They are not always right or even mostly right but they do add wisdom to the discussion. We help ourselves when we seriously consider their thoughts.

I think that moving is much too big of a gamble. You can lose everything that you have now. Make a list of known positive reasons to move and a list of possible negative reasons. If you find a job before you move you can put that on the positive side. If you visit your friend and know with a fair amount of certainty that he would welcome the move that can go on the positive side. If you also spend time in the new location and find activities and groups that spark your interest there is another plus. Just do not impulsively move! Research and check out plans before deciding.

When we're single and don't own a home we are able to take more chances. Once we become responsible for a little one we have to consider the affect of everything we do on that child. She can adjust to the move. The main risk, that I can see, is what happens if it doesn't make you happy, as you expect? How will that affect your ability to provide a stable and secure environment for her?

At the same time I think that it is important to take risks. I am glad that I gambled and lost a part of my dream when I traveled East. What is important is that we are as totally aware of all facets of that risk when we make our decision. What can we lose? Are we willing to lose it? Or will the cost be too high?

Are you wanting to move to be near this guy or just move someplace you will be happy in? If you are wanting to move to a warmer climate and to try another place out, then I say go for it. I'm all for new experiences. If you are wanting to move to the same town as the on and off boyfriend with commitment issues then I say your decisions are skewed and may need to step back from it and reassess it. You said it yourself, you both have been on and off and he has commitment issues. Also your family probably has a good perspective on the matter and if they say you can do better, then I you should listen. Their concern about you being away from them and taking your daughter along is just as great as their concern for you to stay with a man who isn't right for you.

Being 'happy' is not the key and can change quickly especially with a person who is not willing to commit to anything. I think you need to look at the big picture and your daughter's future now and not chase after anyone who isn't into a permanent life with you down the road. Jobs are not that easy to find now and the economy is not like it used to be. Keep that in mind too.

I'm sure this is tough for, but remember too, when you are "in love", you are also seeing through rose colored glasses. You said that you've only been seeing him for a year, but it has been off and on. That is a huge red flag. If you two can't even make it a year w/o breaking it off several times, then there are definately some issues. Look at it from a parental point of view.
pretend this was your daughters situation, would you think it was best for her to move closer to a guy who has commitment issues? Probably not. You also need to remember your daughter and all of her relatives are close by. You would be bringing her far away from those she loves to be with one guy that you think you love. Also, remember what the job market is like right now. If you do find a job and then you decide you want to move back, do you think you will find yet another job? Things to keep in mind. If it were me, I would stay by my family.

I agree with Kimmie. I think that you can absolutely do it on your own in any city you choose. You sound strong and confident and like a great mother. But I know that any relationship that was at the stage of "moving for each other" should include each other in the decision process. Not counting at all what your family thinks for the moment- why did this guy not include you in making the decision to move? If he wanted to be with you, he would have discussed it with you. Following him when he has commitment issues is just going to scare him more. If you had a job offer there already and wanted to go FOR YOURSELF, I would say go and see if it worked. But just going is irresponsible to yourself and your child, I think. It is putting this guy first who doesn't even think enough of your relationship to consult you.

I did a long distance relationship for over a year and married the guy to be with him (moving clear across the country to do so), and we are still married 13 years later. So I am not anti- long distance or anti- moving to be together. He was military and even though he had no choices in the matter, he still consulted me more than what it sounds like your on again, off again boyfriend did.

I think moving to make yourself happy would be a mistake. I honestly don't think you would make yourself happy with this particular move.

Now for your family, dont underestimate how wonderful it is to have your family and support system close by. You obviously know this, but imagine if you move and he wasn't thrilled to see you do that? Then what? As much as my family drives me crazy sometimes, I can't do this parenting thing without them. I simply cannot imagine it. And I didn't have them close by for 8 years of my marriage because we were military. Now my husband travels as much if not more than he did while he was active duty, and I am basically a single mom 3 weeks out of every month. And there is no way I could do it alone. We could move a little closer to where my husband works. He would still be gone just as much but it would be easier logistically. But that would mean doing this alone, and I cant do that. Don't try to make your family happy, you don't owe them that. But don't discount how much affect having them close by can have on YOUR happiness.

If you are unhappy where you are, see about finding a new opportunity for yourself. But I wouldn't count the boyfriend in the decision making process. If you want to see if it will work, see if you can make a long distance relationship work. It doesn't take long for one or the other of the couple to realize they want something more and try to make it work. I knew immediately I wanted to be where my husband was. It took time to make it happen and we had to wait it out to make the plans work, but we knew what we were working towards. If this guy feels that way about you, he will come to that conclusion on his own and ask you to be with him. Until he does that, I would not follow him, no way.

I hope that helps, and I hope this situation works out for you in a way that makes you happy. Good luck.

Any man that doesn't chase after you isn't worth being with, in my book.

J., your decisions should be based on your daughter's well being and happiness and yourself as a whole. Your little girl and you are a whole, a family, a unit......Don't let your feelings(which I am sure they are not exactly l-o-v-e) for this man make the decision for you. Any decision you make now will absolutely impact your life's daughter and yours.
Whatever reasons he had, he didn't ask you to come to live with him or nearby, so in your situation, I would wait for MORE than a year to know this guy better...much better......
"Dating on and off for a year" won't give you what you are looking for....Your feelings may be get hurt, so do not rush on this kind of decisions. If you were single and by yourself, well you would do whatever you want to do (and even that, it is not advisable to run after the first person you think you are in love with).
I'm glad you took a moment and looked for advise, your common sense is working so let it help you to take a good decision H..
You are not sure if moving "will make you happy", more surely, not moving will avoid you lots of tears and regrets.
I am sorry if you were expecting another answer, but you asked and I wanted to give you my sincere opinion.
Take care of your daughter and yourself.......she is your happiness, so she will be always with you, and very soon you will have that lovely partner who will come TO YOU.....
Good Luck
Alejandra

I would say move if that is what you want to do for you and your daughter. But I would not move to where the boyfriend is. If he already has committment issues, I'll bet that would make him run for the door. Also, is moving what's best for your daughter? Taking her away from her family? Having her grow up barely seeing her family? I personally would never move too far from mine while my son is so young. That is just my opinion though. Do what you feel is right for you and definitely what is right for your daughter. Good luck to you in whatever you decide!

Please MOVE. if you want to be happy MOVE there is nothing better than being HAPPY.

I apologize upfront, because I'm a very factual person. I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but You must do what makes you happy, now that being said ---why would you move to a city where the man you say you love has commitment issues? Truly, why would you think that would make you happy? Please ask yourself that. It would be a relationship based on questionable "on and off" relationship? You need to consider your daughter and your family. You are very lucky to have a family that loves and supports you. If your relationship has not worked in a year why would you think it will work in X amount of years? Everyone wants to be loved, and unfortunately you have to kiss a number of toads to find the prince. Good luck to you and best wishes........ really give this a lot thought.

Don't move because of a man--any man. Make the best choice for your daughter! Best wishes!

You have to do what is best for your daughter and you. I feel like she should be the driving force behind every decision you make. Why do you feel the need to move and follow a man that has committment issues? If he has not asked you to move w/him, that to me is the 1st red flag as to why not to move. I am not saying that you should stay in St. Louis just to make your parents happy. If you really feel the urge to move... let it be to somewhere YOU want to go, for yourself and your daughter. If this relationship is meant to be, then love will find a way, even if you are in different cities.Have you asked your daughter what she thinks about moving? Maybe it would devistate her to move so far away from her family, especially if they help out a lot with babysitting, etc.. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Live authentically.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”
-Henry David Thoreau

Don't waste a minute. If you move and things don't work out, then you know. If you stay put and things don't work out, you'll always wonder. Wondering is the worst thing of all.

Rent your home and move....if you feel it's the right thing to do. My only concern is the "off and on" dating. Why off and on? Is he that much of a commitmentphobe? Just really clear things up and ask your friend and family what their concerns are. Make sure they are real concerns, not just losing you selfishness. Sometimes we can't see the forest through the trees....so getting their perspective can be important, but it's not everything.

Good luck.

Maybe read "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach - this may help.

I would say move if this makes you happy but not to be with the man. He may never get over his committment issues. Have you thought that he may have moved away to get some space between him and you. Him not asking you to move with him is a big red flag, don't ignore the red flag. I suggest you think really hard on moving were he is to be with him. But , if you want to move so that you and your daughter are happier, than i say go for it.