To Mamas Who Did Not Let Baby 'Cry It Out'

My two little darlings who are now 18 and 16 years old were raised without letting them cry it out. And they were as different as night and day. As an infant, my son preferred movement or a warm body next to him to fall asleep; my daughter preferred to be still and actually had trouble sleeping next to someone, unless she was sick. But just because we didn't let him 'cry it out', didn't mean we avoid all the crying because he suffered from night terrors as a baby. My son, the older of the two, took longer to adjust to sleeping alone and for a number of years reading at bedtime led to dozing with him until he was asleep. My daughter was much easier. It may have taken more of my time when they were younger, but that time is precious and too short anyway. Today they are both well-adjusted teens, who are more than capable of getting themselves to sleep. They also know that they are loved and cherished.

I have a 10 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. With my son I worked with him to get in his own bed at 2 and a half. My daughter still sleeps with us. I lay with her and she falls asleep and then my husband puts her in her own bed. I never let my kids cry it out BUT it does not get easier it gets harder as they get older....=(

Hi M.,

I have 2 children, now ages 10 and 16. I didn't take the advice and let my kids "cry it out", at night. Now I regret it. Neither of my kids have good sleeping habits. My daughter sleeps with us and my Son is a night owl. The pain you may feel, today, about the crying, will be well worth it, later. This is my opinion.

Regards,
A. A
Mom of 2 in Fremont

I don't regret it at all! My son is now 22 months old and has been sleeping through the night since he was about 9 months old, and he did that all on his own and in his own timing. He is a very confident and secure child. He loves being around people and has never freaked out when left with a sitter. My son never has any worries if I'm not right next to him -- he knows I will be there when he needs me.

Here is a great reaserch report from Harvard:
http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNee...

I tried letting him cry it out a few times, for 10-15 minutes at a time. His screaming just intensified the longer he cried. I hated it. He hated it. He wasn't ready to soothe himself. He needed Mama, and that was okay with me. So many people told me I needed to let my son "cry it out". You know what, it just didn't feel right -- and it didn't work.

Something that did help in transistioning him into his crib was. . .My son slept in his bassinet in our room until about 6 months. Then we moved the bassinet into his room, placing the basket only, IN his crib. After a month of that, we placed him in his crib. We always went in when he cried. The first time I would hold him, sing, give kisss and hugs, then lay him down. Then he cried, I waited less than 5 minutes, went in but did not pick him up. . .a gentle touch and a whisper that it was night-night time. This continued, each time waiting an additional 3-4 minutes before going in.

This is a very important time between you and your child -- this is when trust is built. S/He needs to know that you are there and that he can depend on you.

Best advice I can give you is that your child is a unique creation of God. No "system" of sleep training is going to work perfectly. That was my son. And you know what -- he knew that he could trust his Mama and Dada to get him when he was scared or sad.

I know, this method is not "convenient" for parents who try to fit thier child into THIER world. . .but this is a child who needs us to adjust to them for awhile.

Our children are gifts from The Creator who has entrusted us to raise and care for them -- and we need to do the best job possible. We will answer for that.

If you feel as though you are in tune with your child -- anticiaptes needs before they are expressed, can tell the difference between a "diaper cry" and a "hungry cry", etc., -- then you should feel confident that you already know what's best for your child's "sleep training". Don't be made to feel stupid or wrong because everyone else is telling you something else ( even family members or friends). Nod politely, say "thank you" and do what's best for your child. And pray for guidance.

Hi M.,

We never let our daughter cry it out, figuring babies need their caregivers' help to regulate their emotions since their own brains are so unformed. This is what the science says, and Dr. Sears and his ilk, and also the new field of "social intelligence." And it is what we observed--it's obvious, since when attended to babies stop crying.

When we realized that babies need help to get to sleep, we readjusted our expectations. My daughter weaned herself at her second birthday and a few weeks after that fell asleep and slept through the night on her own.

Given the science of brain development, I've never understood the concept of "self-soothe." Babies just can't do it, that's why they have parents! Show me an adult who "self-soothes," and I'll show you a guy drinking alone in a bar or someone lighting up a cigarette. In contrast, a healthy model for self-soothing in adulthood is talking to a friend or partner--working it out in relationship! Why babies aren't allowed that same standard mystifies me.

Though I've never met a parent who regretted attending to their child rather than letting them cry (the trusting relationship that ensues is miraculous) I have met a few who regret trying the cry it out method. They feel guilty when it doesn't work.

Best to you, J.

Oh M., You are going to get a lot of responses here!! There is only one reason to let a baby cry out and that is if he/ she tells you that consoling is impossible and seems to be saying "Leave me alone! I just gotta be left alone!!"

I never let my babies cry. They are 15 and 16 now, and I still run to thier side when they are distressed. If you have what it takes to comfort your baby, and rocking and singing works, please don't miss a single opportunity to do so....

the message here is "Your needs matter and you will always have the power to have them met". I don't remember when they got to the point of going down alone. I think we moved into books and songs and I left them to fall asleep alone at about , gosh, was it three or four?

God I miss the rocking and singing. Can I come over? JK

R.

The surveys about sleep at http://www.kellymom.com say that only about 50% of normal infants at one year sleep through.
Our culture puts painfully difficult, unrealistic expectations on us!

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleep.html

I never did CIO with my son, and am not doing it with my daughter. My son gradually started going into his crib after the bedtime routine (story, soft music, nursing) still awake but drowsy, at about eighteen months and from there on out went to bed awake and fell asleep with his blanket and lovey. My daughter is almost 14 months and at this point, after nursing for bedtime and at nightwakings, I can lay her back down in a drowsy light sleep instead of waiting for a deep sleep like was necessary when she was smaller. I expect as she gets older, the same progress towards lying down more and more awake will happen, til she can fall asleep in bed by herself.

Falling asleep on your own and getting back to sleep isn’t something learned. It’s a function of the central nervous system: when the system matures, the child can accomplish falling asleep and handling nightwakings on their own. Studies show that this physiological development occurs between the ages of two and three for most children. So it’s not a behavior issue, it’s an issue of physical development.

Probably one of the main reasons that babies who don't sleep through the night are such a big issue is that parents don't have realistic expectations of the sleep patterns of babies. Babies were designed to wake up often at night to feed and cuddle, and keep in mind that many adults wake during the night, too. If our expectations for babies were not so different from our babies' expectations for themselves, much of this "problem" might disappear.

Information from an anthropologist on what is normal for infant sleep:
http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html

article about CIO:
http://www.aaimhi.org/documents/position%20papers/control...

Article by a Harvard scientist who has been studying infant sleep for decades:
http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/rethinking.html

a collection of articles about normal infant sleep:
http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/sleeping.html

I really liked the experience already shared. A few things to comment on from my experience:
I co-slept with both my girls until 15 months and never let them cry it out. My oldest, never in a crib, started to sleep in her own full size bed at about 14. I would lay with her to go to sleep, then she would usually sleep most of the night then come in with us at around 4 am. When I am not too tired I put her back to bed and she stays.
With my second, I started letting them sleep together in the twin when she was about 22 months. I lay between them, read a book, then nurse my 2 year old and my oldest, now 4 falls asleep within minutes.
They both sleep until 5:30 or 6:30, then lay down with us for about an hour. When I stopped middle of the night nursing, they both slept better. I would recommend stopping night nursing as soon as your baby is ready. All babies are different and you know your child best.
Here is my little cynical side, I have found, from personal experience, most people that advocate crying it out are a little judgemental about co-sleeping and night nursing and feel they have done something right when their child sleeps through the night. It is like a badge of honor in mother circles "my daughter is 6 months and sleeps through the night" always made me feel like I had done something wrong. I think it is hogwash. Just my opinion, but try not to let others persuade you, if you have to cover your ears and leave your house to let your child cry it out, I think we need to listen to those instincts that are pulling us to comfort our crying child.
Just my opinion, I wish you luck and listen to your gut.
K.

Hi M.,
I think that if you are making sure your little one is going to sleep at the biologically correct times and getting enough quality sleep then you should have little to no problems getting him to fall asleep. I did use a modified cry it out when my daughter got older but never needed to when she was younger as she would listen to her music in her bed and go to sleep. You might try a picture projector for bedtime. I found one at Target that plays music, white noise and has 3 different picture discs. It also has a timer. Paige has always had a "lovey" (her night-night) that she would suck the corners of too.
L.

We never let our now 4 yo cry without being tended to.

To me it seems as though kids who CIO are less connected to their parents. At least anecdotally, it seems like they're more likely to be the toddler 'runners' who have to be watched so that they don't disappear in malls or run out in traffic. And more likely to require time outs and other discipline.

At least that's what I've observed.

I'm sorry, but I'm one of the "cry it out" mommas... :) but I just wanted to tell you the most important thing about allowing them to "cry it out" is that you go into your child's bedroom every few minutes and hug them or rub their back or pat their back, or rock them (in their room) or softly sing to them or soothingly talk to them to let your sweet child know that you are there and you love him/her and that everything will be okay. It's important not to take them out of their room and into your room/bed, but to just let them know that you are there and to calm them. Once they are calm again, you can then tip-toe out of their room. After a few nights of this, they grow confident and will be sleeping all night. It's also important to listen to the intensity of the cry.. babies have different types of cry's for different things that may be uncomfortable for them. You can tell if they are hurting or iky diaper or hungry or just tired and cranky. Hang in there momma... I raised 2 of them (one boy and one girl - 6 years apart) by myself and they both turned out great. You can do it!!! :)

Hi. I didn't let my son cry it out. He took a long time to sleep reasonably. By the time he was 2 he was doing pretty well - waking up at most once through the night briefly or waking up early in the morning and then goign back to sleep. He slept in my bed, then I slept in his bed. We didn't worry about that, so it wasn't an issue for us. Now he's almost 6 and we read stories and turn the light out at betime and that's it. He has a little sister (2) that I sleep next to now!
I didn't regret it. I tried with #2 a little crying and it didn't work so we abandoned that.

Hi M.,

I read about the cry it out method when we were ready for my first daughter to sleep on her own in her own room when she was between three to four months old. We decided against it because it was too heart breaking to hear her cry (she cried for the first two months).

Against most advise, I would let her fall asleep while nursing and then I would gently place her in her crib at first. I was pleasantly surprised that she would sleep longer in her own crib then in our room. Within a month or so, I would put her in the crib (always at the same time at night) after nursing, but still awake and she fell asleep on her own. I didn't give her a bottle or pacifier either. I think the routine is what helped the most. Bath, book, breast, bed.

Now she is four years old and she has been a terrific sleeper. She goes to bed on her own and it's such a blessing to not have to fight or help her go to bed!

Good luck, I hope this helps!

I am a 37 year old mother of 2 older teenagers. Both of my children i let cry themselves to sleep.It doesn't mean you don't love them. It would drive my husband crazy. I would ask him a few simple questions. 1)Are they dry? 2) Are they fed? 3)Are they burped? 4) Are they feeling ok? If you can answer yes to all of these questions then they are ok to cry themselves to sleep. I have a great relationship with my kids now. So you know it doesn't take from that at all.

I loved reading all the responses and decided to respond as well. I guess I would be labeled a CIO mom, but honestly I felt that I had to wait for a little while to try to sleep train. I waited until my son was 9 months old. A wonderful book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marck Weisbluth was recommended to me by some new moms and it helped me understand children's sleep cycles. Since, my son was very colicky I just couldn't put any of it into practice BUT once it felt right and I really mean this...as others have said you just have to go with knowing your child and developing a style that works for you. The book has two different approaches and never does he say to abandon your child and allow him/her to simply cry all night. I don't believe in allowing a child to cry incessantly when he/she so clearly needs comforting. I've heard several moms suggest that a child's temperament has a lot to do with it and I wholeheartedly agree. I think another thing is though is your own heart in combination with the child's temperament. When my son was about 9 months old, I felt as thought the nightwakings/cries were more a conditioned action....he knew I would come and put his pacifier back in his mouth. After a while, I just felt as though I wasn't doing him any favors by not allowing him to learn to self-soothe and find his own pacifier. I never had to deal with 45 minute crying sessions. As a matter of fact, I did the modified version of sleep training that I've read several moms suggest....develop a routine and gradually after responding at longer intervals, the child stops needing hourly, two hourly, three hourly reassurance. I am not bragging here that my son has slept through the night since then, but instead what I am saying is that he has a routine that indicates to him it is time to sleep. You develop the routine and do it consistently and go with what works for you. I strongly agree with the response that discussed the fact that just because a child makes a sound it does not mean they are awake and needing immediate response. You know your child, you can develop a system that works for both of you, but you have to be willing to stick to it either way. If you don't want your child to self-soothe, you will have to deal with this for some time and honestly from what I've heard from my friends they continue to get sleepless nights well past three years old. You can develop a method that works for you. Just take bits and pieces, read what you think you want to get into and go from there. Every child is different and that is the bottom line. Either way, I hope you find what works best for your son and your family.
All the best to you.

I never did the "cry it out" thing. I nursed both kids. Once they had the opportunity of getting their own sheets and bed/bedrooms.....we started doing storytime-massages before bed. They are only babes once...and it will fly by. Holding them and soothing them is a privilege. They are now 6 and 12. The younger one requests to have the dog sleep w/ her. Don't worry too much.....Try to get hime into a routine. Every night at the same time do the same thing. He will get used to it and his body will be ready without you having to tell him. I work w/ toddlers and preschoolers.....They know the routine. When it is 12 they sit at circle automatically...because they "know the routine". Routine, routine, routine........do it...it works!!!!!!

My older son is 6 and my younger is 3. I didn't do CIO with either. My older one is a fantastic sleeper and has been since he was about 3. We do read books to him before bed, but he's a great sleeper and can go to sleep on his own when needed. My 3yo is still learning to go to sleep on his own, but I have every confidence that he will within the next year or so.

First of all I have to say I think that the sleep issue is so individual to kids based on their personalities, any potential health issues and of course the routine and tone of their households. This is why figuring out the sleep issue has become a million dollar hot topic in parenting books and advice outlets.

That being said my experience was one of tuning in to my kid and tuning out from all those with an opinion. My son, now a very active and independent 17 months, was sleeping with us from birth. Gradually by around six months we were able to get him to sleep in our bed and successfully transfer him to his crib, but this wasn't optimal for us, and I worried a lot as he started to get more mobile, particularly for daytime naps when I wouldn't be right next to him.

I was ok with some degree of bed sharing, but I wanted to make sure that he could and would sleep in his crib if needed. I was told by a sleep specialist that I was dreaming, and not in a good way.

I refused to believe this, so I just focused on what my child seemed to need. He likes structure, so the pre-sleep (naps and nightime) routine we noticed was really important to help him signal to transition. I got some help on assessing his personality from the Baby Whisperer. He likes security and he's stubborn, so cry it out just didn't work for us on principle. So based on his personality and needs we set out to create the conditions for success...we have a clear routine, he feels very secure with some hugs and cuddles and love time, and when I put him in his crib, if he wants to do a couple of laps in there while calming down he does, and I leave the room, and by 10 months he was putting himself to sleep and sleeping through the night, with maybe one waking to nurse. He decided to wean himself completely at 15 months.

Anyway, my advice is to really tune into your kid, figure out what some needs and or barriers are and set about giving him some solutions or reassuring touchpoints to expect, which signals him that it is ok to rest peacefully.

Don't forget to assess the health dimension, diet, etc... which can have a huge impact on individual children.

Good luck and dreams to you,

K.
http://www.relevantmom.blogspot.com

We didn't CIO. I was all for it before we had our daughter, but once it came down to it, it just didn't work for her, mainly because she rarely cried. Anyhow, she started to sleep through the night at 7 months or so and still does for the most part. With teething, or vacation, or late nights out etc she wakes wake up once but for the most part she sleeps through the night. She eventually learned how to soothe herself. She has a special bear she loves and sleeps with (at daycare too). I don't regret not crying it out. I hope to be so lucky with baby #2... I'm told I won't be. :)

Not to scare you, but my 11 year old and 8 year old are just finally this year learning to calm themselves down if they wake in the night or just can't fall asleep. The 11 year old often comes out (2-5 time a night) if she can't fall asleep and I am either woken up 2-3 times a week or she sneaks in bed with me in the night. This is one of the big regrets I have for them, not teaching them young to calm themselves down. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hi M.. My children are 18, 13, 8, 6 and 1. I can recall the handful of times I followed the "cry it out" ideal. Those times are the lowest parts I lool back and remember as a mother. Conversely I can barely remember the nights my bed was filled with little munchkins stealing my pillow and blankets.

My children have all spent many nights in my bed, or me lying on their beds. Each of my children learned to sleep on there own. We are all very close. My oldest is a freshmen at UC Berkeley, my 13yo is a straight A student.
My feeling is if the children are crying its because they need you! My advise is to follow your instincts and your heart! If you want to hold them and cuddle them.... Then DO. IT! Eventually they will sleep in their own beds all by themself. 3 out of 5 of mine do!

Hi,
I have a 4 yr old daughter, I did not let her cry it out. Broke my heart to hear her up set in her bedroom all alone. So every night I read her two books in bed we turn out the light and I lay in bed with her and tell her one more made up story topic of her choosing. She falls asleep in about 15 minutes and sleeps through the night. I think of it as a special time for us together. When she was about three I could have backed away from laying down with her after story time. If we had two or more kids I would have to come up with something a bit different. My sister and I slept in the same room for years and that was a great comfort. I think nighttime is not a time to be scared and small and trying to sooth your self.
J.

When you think about sleeping through the night its actually taught. Prior to birth, baby is used to waking and sleeping on a 24 hour clock. Just like you wouldn't throw a child in a room with a bike and expect them to learn to ride it, you have to teach children when its time to sleep, where to pee, how to use a fork. I have a 5yr old and a 14 month old. neither one has ever cried to sleep. They both sleep through the night and have done since infancy. around 8 months, i would choose a night to teach them that it was time to sleep. when they cry, i would go in and settle him down and tell him its time to sleep. I would go in as many times as needed.
within a few days, they both responded to my nurturing. I see the benefit in my 5 yr old. he is confident & tries new things from sushi to football he has the confidence becuase he knows that he is well supported. YOu don't get self-esteem by neglect. CIO is neglectful.

I tried to let my oldest CIO for a few times but gave it up because I couldn't take it anymore. It just didn't feel right. My oldest is turning 4 and he was able to sleep by himself in his own bed when he was about 2. I believe that they can do it when they are ready. He is a happy and independent kid. My husband and I just don't believe that CIO does anything good to children other making it very convenient for parents once the kid learned to sleep on their own.

My mom did not believe in cry it out and my aunt her sister did. my brother and I grew up very self confident and had great relationships with people, my cousins who are the same age were cry it out babies they are not very self confident and had a lot of Tumultuous relationships and from the books that I read that is the main thing that the kids gain, they don't feel abandoned, a baby doesn't understand why you are not coming, they are not self soothing they are giving up. We did the same thing that a lot of others have said that they did layed with them, in a full size matt. on the floor, in their room until they fell asleep which was usually 10-15 min. We never brought them in our room. It was a great bonding time. Then at about 2-2 1/2 we switched them to a slide bed we read books and then rubbed their back for a few minutes then we leave for 10min sometimes 5 at first whatever they can handle and come back and rub their back again no crying and they fall asleep pretty quick. Gradually extend the time and get to the point where we can read a book and leave. My 5 year old is a great sleeper and has been for years we read one book say goodnight and he sleeps all night and when he wakes up in the morning he calls for us to see if he can get up now. My 2 year old we started a little bit late because we were moving but it has been a few weeks and he already only needs us to rub his back 2 times about 10-15 min. apart and he is out for the night. My husband says the slide bed was the best investment we ever made, it is a loft bed, so not too tall, with a slide they get so excited to sleep by themsleves they know mommy and daddy can't fit. we are going to have a third in Oct. and plan to pass the slide bed to her in a few years.
sorry so long,
C.

My first son got "spoiled" early on and I brought him to bed with me. After many months of that, my husband wanted him to sleep in his own bed. We talked to the doctor and he suggested the "cry it out" method. What a load of crap! It never worked, despite many sleepless nights in a row of him crying and us continually going in to let him know that we were there. Eventually we gave up and ended up with a routine for six years where he slept in his bed sometimes and in our bed sometimes.

When we had our second baby (first son was six years old), by oldest just kind of "got it" and stopped sleeping in our bed at night (except for the occasional nightmare). Now he is 15 years old and trust me, has no problems sleeping on his own. He sleeps well at night and is the first one of us up and raring to go in the mornings.

With my second son, I did not make the mistake of ever bringing him into my bed. We established a routine from day one where he slept in his own bed--and that has always been how it went with him.

Trust your instincts. I personally believe the cry it out method is terrible, especially if you have already established a certain sleeping pattern with your child. Go with your gut!

I did 'cry it out' with my oldest son and notice that he became insecure for a number of years. I think it was until about 8 years is when he became less insecure, but don't know how it will affect him later. He use to wake up every night until 8 yrs scared and needing me by his side. My other two I tended to their cries (which I always got scolded by my mom, she's old school), anyway, they are way more secure with themselves and are better sleepers. My mom says because I tended to them is why they cling on me when we are visiting others. But they are just shy as I was when i was young as well as my husband. Because once they are comfortable and warmed up, they are gone running around.

I did let my now 7 yr old cry it out starting around 6-7 months of age- it only took 3 days total for him to sleep on his own.

Hi,
What a long story to convey in so little space! I did not do any crying it out, well, with the exception of night weaning my now 12 yo son when he was 2 years old or a little more. He cried plenty then, but did sleep longer after that, but with me next to him. Hate to tell you this, but it took him a good 10 years or more. He still isn't the best sleeper, but neither was I. I was so petrified and anxiety ridden as I expected my second child 10 years later. With my little one now (2 yo next month)I have recently night weaned him and he slept 9 hours long twice, then it hasn't been as good after that, but I cave in and nurse him after 3 or 4 a.m. If he wakes up before that, then I tell him, "It's still night time, nummies are asleep. We have to wait until the sun gets up and it's sunny outside-I should stop saying that because I have yet to make him wait that long. He has much improved though. I stay with him next to his toddler bed after I nurse him, he brushes his teeth while I read to him, then we have a 5 minute night light that plays music while there is a little light show of animals going around and when that goes off, it's sleeping time. That was great when I was consistent. Miraculous even. I stay next to his bed while he complained the first few nights until he falls asleep. Then he stopped complaining. Now that I've gotten sloppy he is back to begging and complaining. I stay there and if he wants to climb onto me and fall asleep I let him. When he wakes in the night I take him to his crib next to my bed and he sleeps there, sometimes after begging more. Last night he just wanted me to hold him, then he flipped himself off right before he fell asleep. Stayed asleep until 4:30 and I nursed him then and he fell back asleep. Much improved over before when I never knew if he'd sleep for 15 minutes, 2 hours or 4. 4 was the max (after a period when he was smaller and would go 6). Good luck. It's tough. If you try the crying thing, you need support. It's easy to cave, even if you modify it as I do and hold him. I am happy with him going 6-8 though. :)R.

Hi M.,

I am mommy to 18 month old Joseph and he sleeps through the night beautifully. I never let him cry it out, even though everyone told me that that was the ONLY way. It is not.

I breast fed Joe until he was 15 months and he used to wake up for a feed in the middle of the night every night. A few weeks after I stopped breast feeding he started sleeping through. I think it just wasn't worth waking up if he didn't get his milky mommy cuddle.

I did do a couple of things, like letting him fuss for a few minutes when he woke up in the night because I found that he wasn't always actually awake and would go right back to sleep. If it lasted more than 4 minutes (I don't know why that was the magic number for me) then I knew he was probably actually awake and I would go in. I also started putting him to bed awake, which was easier once I wasn't breast feeding, and I think that helped. Another friend suggested putting him in his bed to play during the day a little bit, so when he wakes up in the night he feels like it's a safe a friendly place. I did that and he LOVES his bed now. He climbs into it any chance he gets and plays 'sleeping'. You don't mention if you feed him when he wakes up. If you do, I would suggest making that as unpleasant as possible, if you know what I mean. If you're breastfeeding, don't cuddle him, stroke him or make soothing sounds. Hold him as far away as is practical and be very business like. If you bottle feed him, don't even pick him up, just give him the bottle where he lies. Also, try diluting the bottle so it is either very weak milk or even just plain water if he'll take it. That certainly isn't worth waking up for.

I can also recommend a book called 'The No Cry Sleep Solution' by Elizabeth Pantley. It was a bit of a revelation.

I have friends who did the 'crying it out' thing and their babies did learn to sleep through earlier and they are perfectly healthy happy babies, but I just couldn't do it and it's your decision as to whether you do. Don't let anyone tell you it's the only way.

Good luck. You'll get there.
D.

My son is five years old and I don't know how many times older ladies pointed out that I was going to have to let him "cry it out" eventually. Every time I heard this I just told them in my sweetest voice that crying it out wasn't part of our plan. Our son is a big boy now and very independent.

Your child will grow up to be independent weather you let him cry it out or not. I just feel that children are more secure when they know from the beginning, "I will always be here for you." It makes all the difference. Last week my son started Kindergarten with no tears. They do grow up eventually! Best of Luck!

My mom never helped me learn to sooth myself to sleep. I did not sleep in my own bed until I was 7. I still have an impossible time falling asleep. I still rarely sleep through the night. To say that her indulgence caused me to be a bad sleeper is an oversimplification, but I feel very certain that it contributed to my struggles. Needless to say, my son puts himself to sleep for every nap and bedtime. Best of luck with your parenting adventures!

Hi, M.,
I am very much against the cry it out method. I think it is cruel and unusual. My three year old can self soothe and can go to sleep on his own great. My six month old will get there eventually, I am sure. Please don't let your baby cry it out. He will learn to sleep on his own. My three year old just recently transitioned back to his own bed, with little affair.
good luck!

We didn't let them 'cry it out'. It just seems more like animal training than nurturing your child to me. Anyway, they both sleep in their own beds now, we were co-sleeping with each until their were about 2 years. My girls are now 5 1/2 and almost 2 1/2. The younger settles easier, and always has, than the older one. But their personalities are so different. They both sleep through the night unless there's a true issue, like nightmares.

What we have learned over the last 5+ years is that our two need to be good and tired when we put them to bed. Otherwise they fidget for hours. A nice long bath before bed helps if they're still to wound up.

That and a rather strict bedtime and routine have done wonders. We always said bedtime would be whenever they needed it. With our first, that became a bit of a nightmare, so we set down a schedule. When they get older we'll reevaluate, but for now it's invaluable.

I hope you find the insight you're looking for!

I never let my kids cry it out - my kids are 19 & 5 - they both sleep great! I nursed them both to sleep until I weened them around 2.5ish. Later I cuddled with them and laid down with them while they went to sleep. Its a process and takes time but totaly worth it. My youngest can now go to sleep by herself just fine. Please don't worry that your child won't be able to "self sooth" - just do what feels right to you.

Hi M.! To answer your question specifically... I have a 3 year old son who never cried it out. He went from our bed to a toddler bed in our room to a twin bed in his own room last year. He has been sleeping really well on his own since about his 2nd birthday. He is a very confident sleeper, falls asleep on his own (around his 2nd bday we stopped giving him a bottle of milk at night to fall asleep - previously he breastfed until 1). He also can fall asleep anywhere. It definitely took a while in between (a lot of wake ups), but it seems like ages ago now. He never talks about being afraid of the dark and he seems very happy in his bed. He always has a car to sleep with; I guess you could call that his security thing. And we've stuck to our bedtime routine for a long time now. I don't regret it because they are only so little for such a short time! I still like the opportunity to sing to him or rock him if he wants (once in a while). They get so big and then you never get to hold them like a baby again! Good luck!

Hi M.,

Wow! Looks like you already got a lot (almost 75 as I write this!) of advice, and unfortunately I didn't have time to read them all...so forgive me if I repeat a recommendation. I'm so happy to hear that you want to address assisting your child in a compassionate way!

I let my first child (about 8 mo. at the time???, now 2 1/2) cry it out in her swing one naptime for about 20 HORRIBLE minutes. I finally couldn't stand it and rushed in, scooped her up, and cried with her. I vowed to her and myself that moment I would never do that to her again...she was a baby after all! And true to my word, I never did, and will never let my 4 mo. old son do it either. I read the book, "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. The author (mother of 4 if I recall correctly) also tried letting her first cry it out and came to the same conclusion...it's simply cruel and is against a compassionate mamma's heart. Once your son starts to sleep through the night, you will hear on the monitor that he’ll sometimes cry a bit without really waking—the book addresses this well so that you can learn the difference. So yes, when he’s learning how to sleep through the night, you will choose not to respond the second you hear crying as you know he’s not really awake…and sure enough in two minutes he’s deep in dreamland again. Again, you’ll learn to hear the difference in his cry.

I think it so self-centered for us as parents to put a child on our timetables with our agendas. Good for you for not letting him ‘cry it out’—you know he's not crying to manipulate you at the precious age of one. And when he does do it a bit later (he will and you'll recognize it), then you can go in and lovingly remind him that it's time to sleep, and help him to calm down. Remember that at this age once they get wound-up they really don't know how to bring themselves back down. All they know is that they have very few tools to communicate, and that often what they are desperately trying to tell us isn’t being understood—or is being ignored--by their parents. Listen to your heart and help him knowing that when he's developmentally ready he will self-soothe. Our daughter started sleeping through the night at 1 year, six weeks. It took about 3 months to get her to sleep through the night every night one we decided that she was old enough to not need to nurse in the middle of the night (with her Dr.'s guidance). At first she would wake about 2x a night, then finally down to once every few days until it finally got to almost never (now about 1x every 2 months that she needs attending to). One of the best tips from her Dr. was that when we were ready (he said she was from a hunger standpoint) to not nurse in the night was for my husband to be the one to go in and comfort her when she awoke. The second he would open the door she's escalate her crying as she could smell it wasn't me (and my milk!). But after a few weeks of him going in there, she finally calmed down more each time. Then he weaned her little by little--starting out with picking her up, swaying with her, gently talking to her, etc. Eventually he would go in and pick her up but not sway, not talk, then finally not picking her up but just standing by her crib and rubbing her back, etc. And we introduced a ‘lovey’ so that she had something tangible to hold on to (still her bed companion for every nap and night sleep now).

Do what feels right in your heart and you will know the steps to take with your baby and his particular temperament.

R.

Hi M.,

I breastfed my 22 month old daughter until her 21st month, i would have loved waiting until she reaches her 2nd birthday but a family scare had me stopping so that I could have my breast examined by November of this year.

Anyways, i am not a fan of "crying it out" it just breaks my heart to hear her cry - and for something that i could just as easily give her with only a little sacrifice from me. So what I did was waited until she can understand me. I told her mama's "dede" (that's what she calls my boobies) has ouchie. The first night she had only little resistance. I think she cried but only for a 2 or 3 seconds and then asked for her milk instead. Whenever she wakes up we just cuddle each other. She whimpers but doesn't really cry so it was easier for the both of us. I told myself that I will just wean her out of the bottle after a couple of months.

Now without any intervention from me, she can soothe herself to sleep without a bottle maybe 2 twice in a week. So that is a good start. We don't really have a specific routine. She either drink her milk first, then watch her favorite Hi-5 episode or read her books then falls asleep on her own. Sometimes, i thought she was still watching tv but when i go check her out she is already fast asleep. Oh and by the way, she sleeps in my bed too :o)

Everyday, she still asks if my "dede" is still ouchy and what she'll do is just kiss both of them and then asks for her milk or just hold my hand and closes her eyes to sleep. So i could read or do whatever it is that i need to do. She can sleep even if i'm not with her. I think it's important that you just don't limit her interaction with you from the very start, that way your baby can also be comfortable with significant members of the family.

After a month, I still miss the bonding that we share when we breastfeed but I guess I have to take care of myself too so I can make sure that I will be there until she grows up.

Good luck and hope this helps :o)

Best regards,
G.

The best advice is to tune in to what your baby is feeling. Babies have 5 distinct cries. See http://hubpages.com/hub/Why_is_my_baby_crying.

If I can't figure out what her cry is, then I still wouldn't let a child cry for more than 20 minutes either.

I didn't let my first daughter CIO because if you go back to our origins whether it's American Indians sleeping next to their babies in teepees or whatever, they didn't have a high rate of autism back then (i.e. kids give up on talking to mom because mom's not responsive to needs). Responding develops trust and is key to bonding with mom in the early years.

I don't have any regrets. My first daughter had colic as an infant and was in pain from acid reflux for the longest time, so she was in the most pain while laying down at night. I didn't know that she was allergic to the milk that I was drinking (i.e. getting from nursing) until she could talk. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had let her CIO. She is already afraid of the dark. She could very well have developed more severe psychological issues like autism if she was in pain and in her own crib and in the dark.

I could figure how the various cries better when my second daughter came around. My second daughter wouldn't sleep when she was teething and her cries would match up with the pain she was experiencing, so I would give her natural teething tablets or tylenol and she would sleep through it.

One of the best advice I ever got was to change diapers quickly under a dim night light and put the baby back to sleep ASAP after diapering. Anything that would stimulate the baby while nursing would backfire as well. As one of the ladies said, keep it all business (i.e. keep lights super dim and do it as quickly and motionless/peacefully as possible).

i never let my son cry. he slept in bed with us until one year. then he was in a mattress in our room. he began sleeping all night at 24 mos when he stopped nursing. i became pregnant again soon after. amazing what a little sleep does for your sex life! we moved when he was 2.5 and he was able to have his own room. he transitioned without any problem. i have absolutely no regrets. my little one now, who is 7 mos. is a thumb-sucker and has been since birth. i don't believe you can "teach" a baby to self-soothe. they are either independent, or need extra love. my husband still calls his brother when he's upset or needs reassurance- i guess he never learned!!

I let my babies self soothe, but my mom was a non "cry it out" mom with me and they had the worst time getting me to sleep, I still hear stories about how some nights it would take hours to get me to go to sleep. When my mom had my sister she approached sleep totally differently and my sister slept great (still does), she learned to self soothe and bedtime wasn't such a long process for my parents with her. I even remember having trouble in my elementary age going to sleep, I'd be awake until midnight or later some nights. I sleep great now, but I've got 2 boys to wear me out!!

I did not ever feel comfortable with the "cry it out" method no matter who told me how great it was. It just doesn't make sense to me. So I always quickly responded to my son when he cried and took him out of his crib. If he needed to be awake for a while, then so be it. I would usually rock him back to sleep but eventually was able to put him in bed with music on and his sippy cup and he would just fall asleep by himself. This was at about 13-14 months old. I was eventually able to taper off the milk in the sippy cup and just do water. My son LOVES his bed because he's never had to fear it or dread it. A lot of the people I know who let their babies cry it out are still having to let them cry it out into toddlerhood.

You have to go with your maternal instinct. There were nights when I just KNEW the crying was more manipulation than needing consoling, but in the end I just didn't stick to a crying out method.

My daughter slept ALL night, EVERY night from day one (what a blessing that was).

My 1st son wanted to nurse all the time, was a gagger, and I thought I'd never find sleep - but I took him out of the crib and he co-slept with us for years. He still liked to climb in bed with us now and again at age 5/6, but soon went and stayed in his own bed (and prefers that).

My 2nd son was in the cradle and co-slept with us. He has always woken up in the middle of the night for comfort, to pee or to change beds, and still does at age 6 (sigh). He goes to sleep in his own bed (prefers to fall asleep next to someone) and often changes beds (either climbs in our bed or brother's bed in the wee hours of the morning).

I am expecting #4 and intend to co-sleep with the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper.

All of my children are well adjusted, have not been whiny/clingy or otherwise unreasonable about sleeping. When we say NO to co-sleeping - they understand and listen.
We are, in general, a very cuddly family. But each of them falls asleep on their own.

Go with your instincts, but watch out for the whiny manipulation attempts.

Mom of 4 wonders: 19, 11, 6 and baby due 10/1/08

p.s. They all went in their "own" bed at age 2 (because that's when I weaned them from nursing), but we still co-slept occasionally over the years.

my son is "older" but not that. he turned 2 in may and we never did CIO - okay except for maybe one nap one day when i was at my wit's end needing a break but it was no break while i sat there listening to him cry.

my son does sleep through the night now. he was a night nursling so this is probably a factor to consider when you think of your own kids - how do they fall asleep and how do they get back to sleep during the night? once i got pregnant with the second baby, that's when he started sleeping all night - around 14-15 months. there was no more milk for him to nurse and he just stopped waking up. we are also in a family bed with him - another factor to consider. now if we put him in his own room, he will wake up in the middle of the night and come with us but if he sleeps with us from the beginning, he sleeps all night most of the time (unless other stuff is going on.) I don't recommend CIO... if you visit sites like mothering.com and kellymom.com you will be able to find lots of information on why you should not use this method. some people use it and sweart by it... but it's certainly not for every baby. i just don't think it's natural. if you think of our history as mammals... do you think our ancient ancestors did CIO? No, there were no houses, no cribs, etc. We are "carrying mammals" and babies want to be with us, next to us. it's only instinct you are fighting with CIO.

I did not let my oldest cry it out and she has always had a hard time falling asleep. (She is now 14) On the otehr hand I had my twins cry it out at 6:00 months and when it's time for bed they go right to sleep. (age 5)If I could go back and do it over I would have had the oldest cry it out.

Hello

I didn't/don't let my children cry it out and so far I have a 26 mth old who sleeps thru the night in his own twin bed, in his own room (he slept in a pak n' play in my room until he was 18 mths old, he slept thru the night at 9 mths, I just wasn't prepared to put him in his room that was on a different floor than me, he is now on the same floor as me and in his own room with no problems).
I also have a 7 mth old who I don't let cry it out and he just recently started sleeping thru the night about 4 times a week. :)

I believe it's much more calming and soothing for my children to know that if for some reason they are upset, I will be there pronto, but that since they're comfy and sleepy, it's okay to go to sleep.

FYI, I also co-slept, so I believe that helped as well.

Oh and both my boys go down without having to rock them to sleep, or lay with him for a while. I choose to do those things sometimes but for the most part, I put them down, kiss them and they go to sleep no questions asked......even the baby.

I think it also helped that each of my children have a "lovey" that they sleep wherever we are. It's the same blanket every time, so they know that is a comfort for them too. They take it to daycare, vacations, etc. It is a constants sleepy time cue.

M.,
I never did the cry it out meathod with either of my children, they are now 12 and 8. Both were sleeping through the night by 6 months and I nver really had to much of an issue getting them to bed. We started having a bedtime routine pretty much from the begining, bath, nursing then book while they laid in bed. ( I moved them from there bassinet in my room to the crib in there room at about 4 months). Hope this is helpfull
Amanda

so it looks like i will be the odd one out here but this is just my opinion every mother does what works for them. I to could not stand to let my baby cio but now that she is 2 i wish i had oh she sleeps thru the night now just fine as long as i am right next to her. i hear stories of how mothers put there kids to bed then they go watch tv, clean or read a book never happen over here my baby will not go to sleep unless im right next to her and she wont stay asleep unless im right next to her so i am one mother who -if i could do it over- would let her cry it out. its too late now she is mobile she can climb and get out of any confined area i try to put her in so i guess for the next couple of years i will have a constant shadow with me at all times (a cute shadow but a shadow none the less)

In desperation, I tried cry it out once for 20 minutes and realized that it was ridiculous. Nursed him to sleep until he was 3. Since then, he has been sleeping thru the night in his own bed. He is 4 now and I don't regret a thing, even though it was hard and I thought I would never sleep.
Good luck and your baby will sleep by himself soon. I know you hear this alot, but it does really go by fast.

I've wondered about this as I never really let our oldest cry it out but did somewhat with our youngest. And yup - oldest is almost 4 and STILL wakes me up vs the youngest is 2.5 and hearing from her at night is fortunately rare. However, they just have such different personalities. Oldest was a tough baby and a tougher toddler. Didn't take a lot of crying for the youngest to give in. And she's just the sweetest, easiest kid. The moment we brought her home from the hospital we could see a difference. And she seems to need more sleep. So I think it's more about personality than training... Curious what other answers you'll get.

I have a son who is now 5 and I did not let him "cry it out". He still has problems sleeping because he would crawl in the bed with us and is scared all the time (which is a different issue). I have two older children who I placed in their cribs from the first day and never had a single problem. Mind you that the 5 year old is a boy and dad's first from my second relationship of now 13 years so the need to hold for dad was overwhelming. I also have a two year old who is a girl and she was placed in the crib from day one and has no problems self soothing.

Hi M.,
I did not let me daughter cry it out, until a certain age. It didn't feel right when she was little, she actually slept better when I would rock her for a few minutes when she would wake up, but I always put her back into her crib. At 2 months old she started sleeping in her crib, but would wake every 3 to 4 hours to nurse. After I nursed her I would then put her back in her crib so she knew this was where she was supposed to sleep. We established a bedtime routine and she wants that every night. Its bath, brush teeth, pjs, book then bed. She actually moved herself into sleeping through the night and when there are nights that she wakes up I listen to see what kind of cry it is. If its a really hard cry then I know there is something wrong, but if its the whiney kind of fussy cry I let her put herself back to sleep. But I won't let her cry for more then 10 minutes. I want her to know her parents are there for her. I would say she sleeps through the night from 8:00pm to 6:30am 99% of the time and when there are those rare occurances that she does wake up I go to her. You will know what works best for you. There was a time when she was waking up for no reason that I did let her cry, but not for long and I would go in and soothe her but not remove her from her crib or room. It upset her but it seemed to tell her she needed to go back to sleep. Hope that helps. My baby girl is happy and healthy, and I think thats what truly matters for our children whether they CIO or not.

Hi,
The one time I tried to let my son, who will be 3 the day after Christmas, cry it out, he threw up all over the crib...and pooped out his diaper. He was only alone for 10 minutes. It was bad, and now, he still goes to sleep with mom and dad, then we move him into his own bed. It is hard, but I can not put him through that again. Good luck.
S.

I'm not sure this helps, but this is my experience.

When my son was an infant I had the idea that he HAD to sleep in his own crib. So we did let him "cry it out." He would scream for about 5-10 minutes before giving up and going to sleep in his crib. It was heart rending and my husband and I had to take turns because neither of us could take it for very long before needing to give in to holding him. After letting him cry it out, he learned to just go to sleep. At bedtime he usually fell asleep without fussing within about 10 minutes.

Then at some point he got the flu and started teething at the same time. Crying it out was not working. I was up and down all night long to take care of him and I was so exhausted I couldn't function at work. I started taking him into bed with me to breastfeed and sleep at the same time. At that point I realized, at least for me and my family, that it felt wrong to leave the baby alone in his own bed. We've been co-sleeping ever since.

When I quit breastfeeding him at two years old in July, he learned to just roll over, snuggle into my arms, and fall asleep. I don't know if this is defined as going to sleep "by himself". But it is his decision to go to sleep and do it. Now that he's not breastfeeding, he does sleep all through the night. Now I'm pregnant and I'll need to transition to his own bed. We'll see how it goes :-)

Ok, some said they considered it to be cruel and unusual to let a child cry it out. But it depends on the child.
My two babies are so different in personality.
My son, woke up just to play and or to exert his will.
I felt that CIO was the only way to assert back to him that it was bed time. I would go in, sooth him, and walk away, and he would still be crying. There were no medical issues, he was just stubborn. It took us so very long to get it to work, but it did. He sleeps by himself in a bunk bed (lower of course) at 2.5 years. He sleeps through the night and everything and has been for a pretty long time.
My daughter on the other hand, is sensitive, so I just wake up with her and feed her and within minutes she sleeps (w/us of course). So I have started training her with nap times first than will move on to night time.
Its about gauging what is right at the time for the child- not every theory in the book.
I think CIO method is best for most babies, as long as you dont abandon them. I mean, reading these responses, I realise that I have done the right thing- meaning, that mums here are saying that they have to lie with child to get them to stay in their naps, or that they child did not start a solid sleep pattern until after 3 or 4 or even older. I love my kids and want them to know that, but don't want to give in to them. What's next?
Remember that a solid diet helps, and a night time pattern. For example, we do bath time, kisses, and bed time story and night time. They know what to expect.
I hope this helps.
Good Luck.

I am not the lay your child in bed while awake and walk away type. It works for some moms but not me. Anyway, I have always rocked my kids to sleep. My 7 year old started sleeping through the night at about 3 months. When she was 18 months her dad left and we moved in with my parents, so she ended up sleeping with me until she was 4. She was always really good and didnt struggle with bed time.

My younger daughter has been a horrible sleeper from day one. She is almost 18 months old and just barely started consistantly sleeping through the night. I only get up if she calls, "MAMA!!!!" Then I know she needs me.

What I find works is to set a bedtime routine and really stck to it. Talk about what you are doing as you do it. Once your little boy learns how to express himself verbally, he will probably ask for the routine to start if he is ready before you are. My 18 month old in the last two weeks has run and got her blanket, gone to the rocking chair and patted it saying "night-night" several times.

For naps (with both kids at appropriate age) we talk about going to sleep. We get their favorite blanket and turn on lullaby music. We rock in the rocker and then I lay her down in her crib. The nap routine takes about 15-20 min.

At bedtime we take a bath or shower together. Then we put on lavender lotion (both girls favorite part)before putting on jammies. We brush our teeth. Then go to the rocker with our favorite blanket and listen to the lullabys. The only thing x-tra I did for my older daughter is at night while brushing our teeth, I put her blanket in the dryer so it was really warm and snuggly. It made her tired faster.

Since my little one has not been a good sleeper, I have had to get up and rock her back to sleep. But it doesnt take long. The first time she ever slept through the night she was 11 months old.

I get a little tired and frusterated some days but keep it in prospective by telling myself they grow up so fast and wont need me anymore before I know it. as far as my 7 year old goes, we still tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, and turn on her classical lullabys. She is asleep within 15 min. She is too big to rock and has been for quite some time.

When the little one is 2 - 2 1/2ish we will probably get her a big girl bed like sister. But I dont walk away and expect kids to go to sleep until they are old enough to tell me they understand its bedtime. I dont regret a minute of lost sleep. I dont believe children cry for no reason. Once I figure out what the problem is... Teeth? Tummy ache/gas? Too hot? Sick? Scared? I know just what to do to make it whatever it is better. Its just trickt to figure out sometimes. But ultimatly they go right back to sleep cause they trust I will be there. I prefer to hold them as long as I can.

I dont know if our experience helps at all, but please feel free to send us a message if you have any questions. Good luck!!!

I have co -slept with all 3 of my children and each one has been a different experience. My first we tried to have her sleep in her own crib but crying it out didn't work for her. So after many sleepless nights and lots of tears we brought her into our bed and there she stayed for many years. My husband worked late most nights till 2 am so we would then carry her into her own bed when she was a toddler ,she would wake up early and come back early in the morning.This was fine for us. My second was also in bed with us too. We kept him there from the first day he was born. It was very easy and I had no troubles at night. We transtioned them both out permently at ages 5 and 8. There was no trouble doing this. They were already sleeping most the night in their own bed only falling asleep in our bed before being carried to there's ,now they were starting out from the start in their own bed. No tears ,no fears. Slept all night. With my third she also stayed in our bed from the day she came home and she never ever cried at night. We got great sleep and it worked wonderfully. When she was 2 1/2 and we found out another baby was on the way I decided to move her out to her own bed long before the new baby. She always took her naps in her own room in a crib. So now we gave her a toddler bed and she was very excited. The first 2 nights no problem . Then she relized this was for good and she tried to pull a few tricks to get back to our bed but nothing to challenging. I just stayed consistent and kept putting her to bed in her own bed. She adujusted very easily and I am very happy how it went. It was hard to not give in and let her come in to bed but she's to young to understand doing this only once in awhile. When I did it once she wanted to come in every night. So I had to stay firm with the bed time routine. Now the new baby will be with us and I really hope it works out.I love being able to breast feed before they ever have to cry for it. I think that is good that they can get their needs met with out crying first. When you co-sleep you are very in tuned with the baby.We love it! Good luck

It looks like you've got some GREAT advice here. My input is really basic. I didn't really read up on this, I just went with my instinct, which is to respond to my child. I had a much more visceral instinct on this than my husband did at first, so really, it was my husband that needed to be 'taught' what our son needed in those early days. Now, he's the first one who jumps out of bed if our son has a nightmare or on the rare occasion that he falls out of his big-boy bed. I did hear from my son's pediatrician that responding to your child when they are very young helps them develop trust with you and that really made sense to me. Whenever my husband wasn't sure if we were doing the right thing (it is easy to question yourself when you are exhausted!) I reminded him that this would be short-lived and worth it. Our son's security and trust in Mommy and Daddy being there for him is too important. We had his crib until he was about 9 months old, and even then, if we were asleep, we would give him a few minutes before responding to see if he would soothe himself. Once we moved him into his room we did the same thing and we just kept repeating that until he learned how to settle back down. We use a little music/white noise player (right now, he's into this weird new-agey tune it plays, but hey, whatever works) and a nightlight that projects stars on his ceiling and we take these comfort things with us when we travel. He also has a bunny to cuddle or sometimes he wants to sleep with one of his cars. All these things seem to make him feel secure and happy. Also, his regular nighttime routine (bath, PJs, bottle, story, brush teeth, get tucked in with music and stars) makes it easier for him to settle in as he knows what to expect. You can also test what really being awake is. We quickly learned that he wasn't always truly awake when he cried out in the night. Sometimes he was just having a dream and if we left him alone, would go back to sleep on his own. If we went in to pick him up, we quickly learned that if he was still asleep, we'd upset him more by doing that instead of just letting him stay asleep and let the dream pass. We still use the monitor and have learned to hear when he needs us and when he's just making noise in his sleep. Good luck to you!

I have a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter and neither were left to "cry it out" at nighttime. Let me caveat that by saying that we didn't make a big deal out of scrapes and tumbles, either, though, so in general there hasn't been a lot of crying in our household. My 4 year old has slept in his own bed for most of his life. Since he is a climber, he has been in a big guy bed since 10 mos. Our nightly routine was to lay down with him, read books, then stay until he fell asleep. He would come into our room around 3 or 4AM and climb into bed with us. Since we get up at 5, anyway, this wasn't a big deal. When my daughter was born, it became my husband's job to deliver our son back to his bed. And by age 3, we were able to get my son to sleep the entire night in his own bed, without interruption. Once the child can reason with you, ~2, you can give them tickets or prizes for sleeping through the night in their own bed. So, technically, we could have made it through this hurdle earlier, but we like to cuddle as long as we are all getting enough sleep :)

My daughter is a different child completely and has slept at least 8 hours in her own bed without interruption, from birth. She now sleeps more like 11 hours at night and 4 at nap. We have always been able to set her in her bed and walk away. I don't attribute this to parenting style, as I swear it hasn't changed. Our daughter just likes to sleep.

So long story short, both kids are well adapted, not weanies, self soothing, potty trained by 2, emotionally normal, good sharers, cuddly, normal kids.

There is no "right" way. Whatever loving way you raise your child will work out just fine. I swear they all eventually sleep through the night, and after that first year, any interruptions they do have are so much easier to handle.

My baby always fell asleep right after his nightly bottle until he was about 5 months. He had been sleeping thru the night ever since he was 7 weeks old. Then around 6 and 7 months, he would not go to sleep at all. When he would finally tire out from rocking and singing, he would wake up all hours of the night. Nothing at all could put him to sleep. This is when I started letting him cry it out and trust me it was AWFUL. We had a very tough time with him because he was and still is a very headstrong baby. After a couple weeks of struggle and sleepless nights for me, he started going right to sleep when placed in his bed. At the most he may cry for 30 seconds to a minute at this point. He is 12 months. He sleeps 12 hours straight every night without waking up and takes a 2 hour nap during the day. I know that crying it out may not be ideal for everyone, but with certain children that have their own ideas about the way things should be, I think it's necessary. It was well worth it in my own personal situation. A child that can be put down at 8P and not make a peep until 8A is a dream.

Hello,
I never did cry it out; just was so unnatural to me to listen to my baby cry and not respond.
My oldest just turned 2 and he sleeps great; we put him to bed (with a bedtime routine that we started very early, like 2 months old, I think), say night night, and he goes to sleep, end of story. He's even in a twin bed now, doesn't try to get out or anything.
I personally think the routine is what did it, he knows what's coming, that it's time for bed.
My youngest is 5 weeks and I plan to do the same.
Good luck!

My almost 10 year old was a co-sleeper. I nursed until he was 22 months. He now sleeps with the light (the room light on) all night. He is afraid to go to sleep without someone watching TV - he can hear that. He sleeps with the radio on. He did not learn to self-soothe and has sleeping issues.

My daughter - 5 years old - not a co-sleeper. I let her cry it out for all of 3 days very tough but very worth it in my opinion. After that we have not had ANY issues with her sleeping in her room by herself. She sleeps with a night light and the radio - and the door closed (due to the way her bed faces - she doesn't like waking up in the night and looking out into total darkness).

My daughter happens to be a much easier going kid and not as high-strung as my son is so it could be based on their personalities as well.

Good luck.

Hi M.! So my situation with this was a little unique. We were living with my in-laws up until our son was 2 (started living with them my 3rd trimester) and after our little guy was born they would not allow me to let him "cry it out".
Now, up until he was 8 months, I was not willing to either as he had been sick frequently with colds and ear infections from daycare, but when he got to be 8 months, I realized I may miss that window. I was told on a weekly basis how wrong I was to want to let him cry it out and he's just a baby so he doesn't understand how to help soothe himself or that it just makes it worse. Also, if I overslept a little when he would cry, they would go in and get him as one of them would usually be up during the night for one reason or another and would bring him in bed with them. ( I did co-sleep as originally that would be THE ONLY thing to quiet him in the night, but did not want them to start co-sleeping as they are not the parents and one took medication!)
Long story short...at age 1 when he started walking and climbing out of his crib, and when I tried to establish the bed time routine and he would throw temper tantrums and scream, I was told I was damaging him psychologically and they would go in and get him.
He's now 2 and we live on our own and he still does not sleep through the night. He gets up and comes into our bed and we get horrible sleep.
I am not trying to tell you what to do, but either way embrace it and stick it out. I laughed when my inlaws said I was damaging him, as I have been in the field of early education for 8 years and am a child development major, preschool director and I love my son. At this young age, patterns are set easily and then become hard to break. Knowing this was why I wanted to break the co-sleeping, but no such luck now. Now he can get up, open the door and scream even louder. sigh. I would not suggest going cold turkey on the parent soothing, but perhaps space it out a bit. Each night, let the baby cry a little longer before going in. (That was my plan and what another mom suggested.)
If it doesn't work, you can ALWAYS go back to another method, but you can't as easily revert to self soothing. Good luck!

My husband and I have a "5 min. rule" our son can cry for 5 minutes and if he has not calmed himself down we go back in there, he normally is able to sooth himself in 2-3 minutes on his own so we all know that if he hasnt then he's just not ready and will lay him back down or take him out of his crib and let him play quietly in the dark then try again. this has alowed him to trust us because we are always back in 5 minutes as well as given him the ability to self sooth. He has been in his own room since he was about 6 weeks old (he didnt like sleeping with us) and has been sleeping through the night (at least 5-6 nights a week) since he was 3-4 months old...he is now 18 months old and we still use this method for bedtime, if he wakes up at night and naps and still works great...he is aloud to communicate his needs and learn to trust that we are still there but has also learned that he needs to try.

I never let my son cry it out. He is ten years old now and kisses me good night, goes to bed, reads, and goes to sleep on his own. A lot of people told me to let him cry it out and that I was spoiling him, but he is fine. I have a new baby and won't let her cry either. It makes me crazy to hear them cry and not offer support.

Hi! I have four children, ages: 15, 9, 12 and almost 2. My first son shared a room with me till he was 2 and when he got into his own room he started sleeping through the night. I don't know how well though, cause he would always end up under the bed. We tried bed after bed, but he would always end up under it...till we got him a queen sized bed and placed it ON THE FLOOR. He also had a sleep disorder called Enuresis...which meant that he didn't have proper sleep cycles. He would sleep in that non REM state where you don't dream...and his body would try to wake him up by making excess urine. Needless to say, he would wet the bed and not know it till morning. So...I don't know if THAT is why he slept through the night or if it was anything that I had done. (We also read three books at bedtime EVERY night!) Now for my next three children...My daughter, who is twelve now, started having night terrors at 10 mos old and would end up in our bed till she was about ten. My next son, who is now 9, was climbing in our bed almost nightly up until a year ago...now it's at least two or three times a month. My youngest son, who will be 2 in Nov, sleeps through the night at least 3 nights a week...sometimes more, but I did the cry out method for awhile...and it worked GREAT, but then I started allowing him to nurse himself to sleep again...and now we are slipping back into the old routine of him waking 2-3 times a night...and he does NOT self soothe anymore...he freaks out till I come get him or he climbs out of the crib and comes to me. I have to honestly say that if I knew this would happen again I never would have allowed him to nurse to sleep again. I WAS nursing him by 7pm and putting him to bed AWAKE at about 8-8:30. He would cry for maybe five minutes and then sleep till 4-5am. I miss it so much, but now that he can get out of the crib I just don't know how to get that back. (The first time we did the "cry it out method" he was about a year and cried for 45 min. The next night was 25 and the 3rd night was 5 minutes. It was harder on my husband than me...but he was impressed by night 3. After that, it was always less then 10 minutes...usually 5 though.) Good luck Hon. I know how hard it is to make this decision...but it is an important one that could affect YOUR sleep for MANY years to come!!! Take it from one who knows!

Blessings to you and yours!
M. H. 32 and mother of four!

I tried the cry it out method with my daughter and it didn't work. She was confused and upset. She would hardly look at me the next morning. I decided to give her a break before starting a new method. She was about a year when I began using this method, and it worked beautifully.

I would put her in her crib and let her cry for about 5 minutes, then go in to her room and tell her I love her, give her hugs without picking her up, give her a kiss and walk out of the room. I would wait 10 minutes this time before going into the room, and do the same thing. I think her crying was part due to separation anxiety. She didn't understand where I had gone it I wasn't in the room with her at that age. I would repeat the process extending the amount of time in between going into her room. This method helped her to self-soothe without the traumatic experience of the cry-it-out method.

The first night it took an hour and a half. The next night she cried for 10 minutes and fell right asleep. She's been sleeping in her crib ever since, and she sleeps through the night. From there I was able to start laying her down for naps in her crib during the day, which totally freed up my time since she used to take naps on me. Good luck!!

Hi M.,
I did not let my son cry it out. He is now 5. He has no problem going to sleep on his own and is able to self-soothe just fine (I think there are other factors at play here. Self-soothing is a skill you can teach without letting them cry. You do want them to be able to help themselves feel better. You do want them to be capable of sleeping on their own. You want them, ultimately to feel self confident and not dependent on you. You do not want to teach them to ignore their feelings. You do not want to teach them that you can not be trusted)

One technique that helped me came from the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." I would nurse my son (we nursed until he was 2 and a half), then put him down in the crib and cheerfully tell him good night and leave the room. The minute he cried, I would go back in (still cheerful) and soothe him. I would try not to take him out of the crib, but if he would not settle I would lift him out and cuddle or nurse (only for a minute). When he was calm, I put him down again and leave the room. Repeat as many times as necessary. The book says that on the first night, this may take 20 trips into the bedroom (for me, I think it was about 8 times).

The trick is to understand that this will take many times on the first night and maintain a cheerful attitude every single time. You want to teach them that you are there. You can be trusted to respond to distress. You will always be there for them (this builds confidence). But you are also teaching them that they must ultimately put themselves to sleep. In less than a week my son would lie down on his own and go to sleep (this worked for quite a while until a family vacation disrupted the routine). There were still hiccups when sick or teething or otherwise distressed.
Good luck.

-C.

Dear M.,
As he mom of two kids, 10 years apart, it's my experience that there is a big difference between the cry it out method and running every time your baby fusses. Neither are especially good for the child. That is my belief.
Especially in the first year of life, babies cry when they have a need that should be met, even if it is just comforting that they need. If their diaper isn't dirty, you just fed and burped them and they're crying after 1/2 hour of sleep, sometimes just a soothing voice and soft patting or massaging will do the trick. You don't necessarily have to pick them up every time they cry. But letting them know that you're there can help make for secure children. It also depends on how you interpret "crying it out". A one year old who cries until they are hysterical may just be more difficult to settle down once they get to that point.
And, it also depends on the temperament of your child. Some babies are just naturally fussy. All the time.
I think you can find a balance. On one hand, you want your baby to feel secure in his world. But if you go too far to the extreme, coddling and picking up and catering to every whimper, you actually create a child who is insecure. Just vocalizing or being frustrated or bored for a few minutes while they are in their swing or pack and play when you are sitting right there folding some laundry is not going to kill them. Talk, sing, put on some music, try a happy distraction. They do have to learn they can't be on your hip 24/7. You can't reason with a one year old. But you can find a happy balance.
Both of my babies were wonderful sleepers. I almost hate to say it, but I never had to do the up all night thing with either one of them. Of course there was teething and times they were sick. That's different. It's different during the day too.

Best of wishes.

I have a 2 year old who is just now sleeping through the night on a pretty regular basis. She, too, vomited all over her crib when we tried to let her "cry it out." She had been waking up 1 x just for a 15 min cuddle and a bottle of milk (yep, we still give 'em to her at bedtime, but not during the day).

Anyway, I don't regret it! I'm lucky enough to have my husband do that middle of the night call which has been happening less frequently. She does self soothe with her "lovey," and she's a happy well adjusted very communicative toddler- I think she just had her own timeline.

Good luck, M.

HELLO, I am a mother of 5 children now ages, 13,9,7,5 and 4 weeks.MY first one I did not let cry it out so to speak, I held him when he needed me. He was a good happy baby and is still strong and confident young man, My second cried all of the time and at night I would feed him and then put him in his crib to cry him self to sleep starting at about 6 months. I could not stand the crying I had to leave the house. I did not realize until later he was crying because he had constant ear infections. I stopped letting him cry himself to sleep or self sooth aftere only about 6 months abd did not do it with any of my other children. He is my only needy, wants me all of the time not self confident child out of all of them and I Always say if I would of just held him when he was crying. good luck,, M.

Hi M.,

My son slept in our room until he was 4 months old, then he transitioned to his crib. When he was sick or teething, I let him sleep with us for comfort. At about 9 mo old, we started to have trouble getting him to go to bed, so we established a bed time routine. He gets a bath, diaper change, pajamas, teeth brushed and a story read. That seemed to help. I did try the cio method for about a week, but found it was not for me. There was a period were he did cry, but my husband and I would go in rock him for a few minutes. Then I would say 'Mom is going to put you in your crib and you can sleep or play, but it is bed time,. Don't know why, but it worked! He is 16 mo old and is sleeping through the night (unless he has an ear infection or is cutting teeth!). I ued to let him sleep with us when he was sick for comfort, but now he does not need to. Just follow your mommy instinct with this issue. Some people say cio others say co sleep... I found something in between that worked!

H.

I agree a lot has to do with the child's personality and temperment.

I never let either of my kids cry for more than a few seconds before responding to them. They are now 8 (son) and 5(daughter).

They both co-slept. When I was pg with my dd, we bought a toddler bed for our son and kept it in our room. It took a week of me lying with him before he was comfortable.

My daughter has always been more independent and had no issues moving to a toddler bed at 2.

I still read to them both as aprt of the bedtime routine & end 2 minutes cuddling after lights out. At this point, it's more more me than them :). We also allow them to come to our room anytime after a bad dream.

A lot of my reasoning was that I work f-t, so I wanted to be with them as much as possible. Everyone has a different reason and story for why they handled crying and sleeping they way they did.

I never let my daughter cry it out. I responded quickly to her every cry. I felt that it would increase her self-confidence and her sense that mommy would always be there for her. She's about to turn 4. She is a very happy well adjusted little girl. She sleeps well (unless her allergies are buggy her). As for going to sleep well... She's always been a fighter. I just keep sending her back to bed.

I have absolutely no regrets about not letting her cry it out. Honestly, when she was born my grandmother told me to hug her and love her as much as possible. She also told me that she never let her children cry it out. She said that when her children were babies there were articles from Eleanor Roosevelt that said to do that. My grandmother thinks that letting babies cry it out is what is wrong with the world today. She raised 7 successful very happy adults that are a credit to the communities they live in. I hope to be as good of a parent and one day grandparent.

Hi M.,
I am one of those who couldn't do the "cry it out" method, no matter how many of those books I got as baby shower gifts. I am please to report that my now 16-year-old is just fine. When he was a baby, initially he'd nursed to sleep, and then I'd rocked to sleep in my arms. We'd always go to him when he cries. We firmly believe that when they were under 1-year-old, they are not manipulating to get attention when they cry. We felt that it was more important to foster a sense of security and trust. Both my husband and I have a very close relationship with him (even now).
What we were doing then is now known as "Attachment Parenting". Back then, I wasn't very comfortable sharing with other mom friends that I didn't let my baby cry to sleep. Many nights, we actually put him in our bed when he woke up in the middle of the night and we were both too tired to be up with him. Up through probably 7 or 9, I'd say he would occasionally come to our bed when he wakes up in the middle of night from bad dreams, but he has no problem falling asleep on his own when he was ready to leave our bed (about 4 or 5). We did the same with our daughter, who is now 8. My husband reads her bedtime stories and likes to stay by her bedside till she falls asleep but she is fine on her own when he's traveling on business.
Hope this helps.
~N.~

'Cry it out' is not for all kids and especially for those who are highly sensitive and perceptive. One size does not fit all. It certainly was not for my son and I never felt comfortable with it anyway. My son(now 4.5) sleeps fine through the night since age one or around 9-10 months or so. He does come in my bed in early morning hours but never bothers me and goes right back to sleep. I can say that he is very strong emotionally and rarely cries for attention even when he is in pain, hurt,or has high fever. Instead, he comforts me by saying, I am okay, I will be fine by tomorrow, it is not so bad, I am still the same person.... Not sure, it has anything to do with 'no cry' approach but I do believe that every child is different and responds differently to our ways of meeting their emotional needs. I just go by what what works better for my child to be happy and healthy.

I tried the cry it out method once with each of my kids. It has always seemed too cruel. My oldest is now 10 and goes to sleep by herself with a book and classical music. She took longer to get to sleep on her own but I would not change anything. My son, 4yrs old, has always been a good sleeper. My motto with my kids is that they will not be 18years old still.....(insert whatever you are trying to change here, sleeping in my bed, having accidents, or throwing food on the floor are just a few examples). They are only little once and I would not trade the extra cuddling I got with my kids by co-sleeping when they were little or laying in their beds and reading a book and cuddling until they fall asleep now. They both sleep in their own beds all night unless they have a nightmare and I know that they will be happy cofident adults because they know that I will always be there when they need me. People often complement them on how well behaved they are and we can take them anywhere and know that they will behave properly. Although you may get frusterated when he want go to bed just remember one day he will be all grown and you will not be able to go cuddle in bed with him.

Hi M.!
Although my son is only 5 months old, we have decided not let him cry it out. Instead of "just living with it," however, we have helped him learn to sleep on his own based on the suggestions of the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It is a great resource and I would highly recommend it! Basically, little Johnny had been having trouble falling asleep unless I was nursing him or rocking/walking around with him for 20-30 min; then he would wake up every 1/2 hour to hour throughout the night! It was miserable, to say the least. We are still working on his sleep, although it has improved significantly.

Basically it will take a lot of patience. For example, to get him to fall asleep on his own in his crib, I had to just be persistent. First I developed some sleepy "cues", such as lullabies and dim lighting. I'd still nurse him, then hold him for awhile, then put him in his crib drowsy, but still awake. If he cried or fussed, I'd pick him up, calm him down, then try again putting him in his crib drowsy, but awake. And then I tried again. And again. And again. For the first few days, I was spending 1-2 hours trying to get him to fall asleep for each nap and nighttime. BUT ... I never had to endure him crying it out, and by the 3rd or 4th day, he was starting to get the hang of it. It took fewer and fewer tries of putting him down and picking him up, and then voila!

Now when he looks sleepy, I dim all the lights, turn on his lullabies, I nurse him quietly, put him in the crib awake, give him his pacifier and a small blankie to hold on to, and he falls asleep on his own every time--it's like magic!! It just took persistence. When he wakes up in the night, he's starting to learn to fall back asleep on his own, too. It's getting better & better.

The book was really helpful to me--it gave me the courage not to cave in and let him "cry it out" based on all of the pressure you get. Trust your instincts! Good luck!

I did NOT do the cry it out method. My daughter started sleeping through the night at 2. She goes to sleep now, at the age of 10, while reading a book. Good luck, I'm sure he'll be fine! C.