7+ Month Old Still Co-sleeping

My advice would just be not to stress out about this! That's what I did for a long time and it got me nowhere! I read every sleep book possible, yet never had the energy to do any sort of real sleep reginen (especially CIO). My daughter is one and still co-sleeps with us. She does however, start out in her crib and I usually bring her in with us after her first wake-up, she also naps in her crib. She goes down at 8pm and the first wake-up used to be around 11pm, and now has evolved to anywhere from 1-4am. You might want to start out by trying to lay him down in his crib and let him sleep there for a while, then after he wakes up bring him to bed with you, that way it will be more gradual. If I were you I definitely wouldn't just start out by letting him CIO in crib, that would be very scary for him. Over time you might see that he will sleep longer and longer by himself! Don't worry it wont last forever! Enjoy it while is lasts! I used to hate that my daughter slept with us, but now I have grown to love it and I love waking up with her every morning~

HI C.!

I strongly reccomend the book "Healthy sleep habits, Happy child" by Marc Weissbluth. This book changed my family's life!! I didnt read and start doing it until my son was 10 months old. I had 10 months of getting up way too many times at night and I was exhausted. This book really helped us. Good Luck!!

Hi C.,

Honor your instinct and take things slow. I know that CIO seems like a quick-fix, but as a nanny, I saw how it affected the relationship between child and parent, and how the personalities of these little people were altered. I never want to see a child cry like that again and will no longer work for families that employ this practice. Having to adhere to client's CIO preference was heartbreaking for me, and seeing the very real frustration, rage and torment those babies went through made me realize that I could never use this method with my son. Yes, the babies did eventually fall asleep, but as another mother mentioned, there were other problems that arose as these children grew older, not only in how they responded to stressful situations later in life, but most especially in regard to how and where they slept. We can only place children in a crib for so long; eventually, their anxieties can lead them back to your bedroom for a much harder time than one would ever imagine.

Our son has slept with us since day one. He is now 19 months old. If I hadn't had the experiences I had, or the confidence in my mothering that I do have, I might likely have decided he was 'too old' to be in bed with us. We've made some happy adjustments to the love life, and I have to say, I can't imagine our son sleeping anywhere else for now. No matter what he's needing when he wakes up, food or comfort, I can nurse him and he's content. If he's ready to wake, it's far more easy for me to get him back to sleep (and myself) than it would be having to get up, go into a separate room and try to get him back to sleep. Be prepared, if you move him into his own room, it may be an adjustment for everyone's nighttime routine.

For what it's worth, most children do not reliably sleep through the night on their own until they are about three years old. Certainly there are some exceptions to the rule, but there are a lot of young children waking their parents up at night, even if the parents won't admit it.

If you are very certain you need to make this transition, please do it at your son's pace, and respect his need for contact with you. Being alone after nearly 17 months of being connected with you can be a huge adjustment. Lots of love and hugs and a willingness to let him progress at his own rate will help tremendously. Unlike leaving him to cry, reassuring him that you are there and responsive will go farther in helping him have a smoother transition and keep your relationship intact.

It's worth noting, too, that Ferber, the CIO guru, was appalled to discover how widely used CIO was. He never meant it to replace loving parents looking after their children when they were distressed, or as justification for ignoring crying. CIO was developed for only the most extreme sleep problems in families where both the parents and child were not getting any sleep. It was meant to be a last resort for desperate parents who had tried everything else, not the common practice of an entire culture. Far too much is made of "encouraging independence" in young children; at this developmental stage, the child is dependent on their parents being reliably responsive to their needs. Companionship is a very real (not imagined) need for an infant to have, and security is the foundation of a child's successful social and emotional development. Only after the first basic needs are sufficiently met can a child begin to experiment with independence.

My best to you and your family.

Hi Corrine -

I have co-slept long-term with all of my kids and both my husband and I have loved it. We weren't convinced of it at first, but have grown to greatly value it in our parenting and in keeping a peaceful system for sleeping in our home. I love that when my baby wakes at night, all I have to do is roll over and nurse them while we both drift nearly-effortlessly back to sleep. I love that I'm always aware of my baby and what's happening with her/him at night when they're close to me. I love the strong bond we have as a result of the closeness we share all day and night. I love that my husband gets a good nights sleep when my baby and I get a good night's sleep. I love that my husband and I have become more creative in where our marital intimacy takes place while the baby sleeps peacefully in our bed--we have lots of rooms in our house to use, which makes things more interesting and unique!

We have strong convictions about sleep in our home--we always want our children to associate sleep with peace and serenity, so we have avoided anything that would not convey that mindset/conviction. We have gradually weaned our kids from our bed between the ages of 2 and 3 and it has worked well and no crying-it-out has ever been necessary or even considered. Before you begin the weaning process something to consider is your baby's temperament. If he is the type of baby who tends to have a lot of anxiety, or is very sensitive, or is going through separation anxiety or other big milestones, you may want to wait to transition him until he's through that (or, at the least, be super sensitive to his responses to the transition). High-needs babies don't respond well to frequent parent-child separations and, as I learned with my first and fourth children, added stress/anxiety can exacerbate any already-existing anxiety or stress your child has and will have repercussions later on in childhood.

You said that you "fell into" the routine of sleeping with your baby as if you didn't intend to co-sleep, but that is what happened. I just want to empower you as a mom in saying that just because you didn't plan to co-sleep doesn't mean that you did something wrong or that you have to change it. If you, your husband and your baby sleep peacefully this way, then your system is working well and it begs the question of whether or not you really need to change the routine. As a first-time mom, I personally struggled with sleep questions and everyone around me seemed to be forcing their kids to cry-it-out and I allowed that to make me feel as if I was being an over-indulgent mom to comfort my baby to sleep through rocking and nursing, even though this was what worked well for both my baby and me. Which leads me into my next point: I have learned not to let outside influences or pressure from friends/family make me feel as if I have to rush into things that feel unnatural or what would go against my instincts. Even just turning on the TV can influence our parenting choices. TV shows, commercials, and movies nearly always depict babies sleeping peacefully in their own room alone in a crib and this image is burned into our brains as the "normal" or "right" way so its hard for many people to imagine "normal" being any other way, even though mothers and babies have slept together (or in very close proximity) for thousands of years. You may have already done this, but if you haven't, I encourage you to honestly ask yourself if this feels right to you or what is causing you to feel you have to change things. You may be a much more confident first-time mom than I was, but I just wanted to throw that in there because it's something I struggled with when I had my first daughter, and many of my parenting mistakes early on could have been avoided if I had just listened to my heart and gut rather than everyone else around me.

If you are certain you want to move the baby out of your bed, I agree with one of the other moms here that a gradual transition is much easier on both baby and you. And you DEFINITELY don't need to use the cry-it-out method (there's a good reason why this method freaks you out--it is unnatural and disrespectful to the child). There are many very respectful and gentle ways to help your baby sleep without resorting to that method (which, by the way, is associated with disruption of brain development and heightens stress hormones in your baby's system--not a good thing). Your baby may do just fine with a transition to a crib--especially if you do a side-car situation next to your bed for a while so that he can get used to his crib while you are still close by and can tend to him if/when he first wakes up, rather than him waking fully and missing you and then getting worked up in another room.

I would recommend you check out a couple of books on gentle sleep for babies/toddlers to gain more insight to helping babies and parents get a good night's sleep gently: The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. Sears, Nighttime Parenting by Dr. Sears, and The No-Cry Sleep Solution by E. Pantley. It would be great if you were able to read some of this information before you made this transition so that you can see all of the various options you have...

Also, a couple of related web sites to see are:
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/
www.askdrsears.com
http://mothering.com/articles/new_baby/sleep/sleep.html

Blessings to you and your family!
J.

I want to thank Jessica F. for her outstanding advice, and add that crying it out "for hours" is indeed punishing for both parent and child.

There's a difference between a little harmless fussing and high-stress crying. If a baby is not feeling secure, he can quickly work himself into a state of extreme physical and emotional distress, which parents can recognize by the desperation of the wailing, distruptions in breathing patterns (gasping, hiccuping, short, uneven inhalations, or even choking), overheating and sweating, dark red or purple face, and inability to regain calm within a couple of minutes of being comforted.

By that time, stress hormones are raging through that little body, affecting everything from heart rate to brain chemistry. And you've probably become pretty stressed by then, too. Yes, babies do fall asleep from exhaustion after 20 minutes or more of frantic crying. And yes, they gradually learn to give up sooner after repeatedly being left to cry. Despair is a powerfully deflating experience.

It doesn't take many such episodes to permanently change some children's relationship with the world, from a state of trust and curiosity to a chronic condition of anxiety and security-seeking behavior, including, some researchers believe, eating disorders. And a sensitive or timid child will be more deeply and quickly affected. Some behavioral science is investigating this parenting behavior as a possible root of depression or aggression in children and adults. There's already plenty of evidence that orphans left to cry frequently develop attachment disorders and other deep psychological scars.

So follow your instincts on the crying, C.. They are there to serve you and your precious child. I would intervene if even fussing lasts more than 10 minutes in a pre-verbal baby. (A little fussing is probably healthy and increases a child's flexibility) As a child gets old enough to reason, you can play it by ear and extend periods of "alone time" as the child is able to tolerate them. You can even make them special times that a child can look forward to with enthusiasm rather than dread.

I co-slept with my daughter for about a year and a half, and by then she was ready to wean herself. No stress for either of us, and fabulous bonding. Co-sleeping is not a mistake. Raising a child is not convenient, no matter what. But whatever inconvenience you experience with co-sleeping is probably more than offsetting other potential problems with separating your baby from you.

Good luck. You sound like a sensitive and caring mommie.

You never know unless you try. I wouldn't go cold turkey though if I were you. What if you start by having him sleep in your room, but not in your bed? OR have a sleepover in his room. He gets the crib, you and hubby are togeter on other matress or floor, then you take turns. Hubby one night, you the next, finally baby alone? What if you let him fall asleep in your bed, then transfer him to the crib? After a while he should assoiciate crib w. sleep, and be able to fall asleep there on his own. How are naps? Perhaps you can glean some night inspiration from daytime sleep habits. good luck!

Hello Corine,

With a little patience you can do this without a big screaming and crying fight. I never ever let my baby cry it out and she sleeps in her room just fine.
You will have a couple of rough nights, but your baby will thank you for hanging in there and being there for him as he goes through this transition.
Before you transition him start sleeping with one of his blankets or cuddlies in your bed, so he can take something with him that smells like you.

I would start by putting him in his crib for naps during the day, if he isn't napping there already.

We nurse/rock our baby to sleep and then lay her down as she is asleep. When we first transitioned her she would wake up after a few minutes or even right away, so I rocked her back to sleep and put her back in her crib. I did this over and over until she stayed asleep - very little crying or fussing involved. I also attended to her first whimper everytime she woke during this phase, so she knew we were there for her and did not just abandon her.

This does involve some lost sleep for you. But for us it took only a week or two and she settled into a rythm of waking only once or twice a night to nurse.

So it may take a bit of work, but it can be done without CIO.

Hi C.-
Our baby boy slept in our side-car co-sleeper until he was about 8 months old. As some of the others suggested, we put him down for naps in his crib in his own room for at least a couple of weeks before putting him in there at night. Also, he got attached to a blanket about a month before we moved him out of the co-sleeper, so when we transitioned him to his crib, he was already happy there once his blanket was also there with him. We never had to do the CIO thing... it ended up just being a smooth transition, especially since he was already a good sleeper (like your little guy.)

fyi: to help with sleeping, we gave him a bottle (or breastfed) right before bed, and at about 7-8 months, did a dream feed (fed him while he was asleep) around 10:30 or 11pm (our pediatrician suggested that so that he wouldn't wake up and cry for milk)... it worked great, and we weaned him easily from that feed by around 11-12 months.

Best of luck!

There is a lovely book out called "The Secrets of the Baby Wisperer." In it the gal gives details on how to change sleeping habits, among other things. She is so nuturing, and really shows that she has an understanding of babies and her methods show respect to the child. LOVE it, and highly recommend it!

I say try it in his own room and see what happens. He may be alright with it from the get-go, you never know. If that doesn't work then try getting him to sleep and the mvoing him to his bed and see if that works. OR you could start with his crib in your room and then transition to another room when he has it down. I did the same thing with my boy and it worked out pretty good. I too can not do the crying method, just breaks my heart to do it.

Hi C.,

I started with putting my kids down for naps in their own bed and letting them fall asleep there. That way they learn to comfort themselves and fall asleep in their own bed. If your son wont fall asleep in his bed at night, then you could let him fall asleep with you and then move him to his crib. If he does wake up durning the night you could try rocking him to sleep and then put him back in his bed. At least if you stay consistent, I think he will at least get used to sleeping and waking up in his own space. Even if it is a little bumpy in the beginning. I'd love to hear how it goes.

Please, please , please don't do the cry it out method, there is a reason why you feel like you might cave in... you should! Read Dr. Sears about it., he's a good source.. We just switched our 15 mos old over to his own bed which I sleep in with him. Little by little, we extend the amount of time he sleeps in it alone, until he is comfortable & ready to sleep alone. A 7 month old may be too young. Please trust your instincts, crying it out can foster insecurity, trust issues, etc. I understand your need for your bed back, but it may take alittle time & until he is ready. The no-cry sleep solution is a good book too. Good luck with it all & please trust your instincts.

Hi C.,
I had the same experience with you but you don't have to use this cry it out method, it's cruelty! Try sleeping with your baby in his room for few nights until he feels safe sleeping in it. And then put him in his crib and before sleeping play some soothing music & read him a bedtime story until he gets tired or falls asleep, you sleep near him on the first night he sleeps in his crib,you can hold his hand until he falls asleep. Then every night, gradually move your distance away from him after reading his bedtime story, until you're both fine sleeping away from each other. I hope my suggestion will work for you.

Good luck!
C.

Nice job co-sleeping! Many recommend it, especially Dr. Sears. Anyhow, we co-slept with our baby until she was 7 months too, then we gradually weened her out of our bed. We had a co-sleeper, then we did the side care arrangement for the crib, now she sleeps in her own crib most of the night....she never did that until just recently and now she is 15 months. So, we sleep in the other room, and it works out well. We sorta did the cry-it-out method. Where the first night, we went in after 5 min, then picked her up, put her back down kissed her goodnight, then let her cry, came in again after 10 minutes, 15, until an hour passed and she finally fell asleep. Then the next night was easier, and easier. We have to resort back to it at times, but only for 5 minutes. It is not the blood curdling cry that you know you need to help out. And when she has pooped her pants, you know. So, I believe that it is OK to go in and touch your child, many books say no, but how would you know if she is crying if she went poop? So, good luck to you! It is all a gradual process, but it too shall pass! :) Good luck! I agree with others saying not to go in, for me what was really helpful, I had to look at the clock, and I still do, and wait for 5 minutes. If she is crying more than that, she needs you. Good advice here below!

Hi C.,

I recommend the "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley if you don't want to use CIO. I tried CIO and Ferberizing with my son at about a year; no good. He cried until he vomited and I just couldn't take it. Pantley has great suggestions for how to move your co-sleeper to his/her own bed. The method does take longer than CIO, but for me, it's worth it. Good luck!

Hi C.,
We used the crying it out method with our 3 kids also. It was definitely harder with my first. Just remind yourself of these things: Your son is not hungry, he is not in danger and is just learning a new routine. After you put him down, run a warm bath and turn on the fan and just enjoy a few minutes to yourself. It was better for me not to hear them cry (because they do). After 3 nights all of our kids were settled into their routines. Just know that the first night is the hardest but it does get better and you are not alone :)

We transitioned slowly with our daughter. She slept with us in the bed for 3 months, then in the crib in our room until we moved to a new house (we only had one bedroom in our first place). When she started sleeping in the crib, we started putting her to bed earlier than us (so we could have some together time). When I decided to let her cry it out, I was sure she would never stop, but the longest she ever cried was 1/2 an hour; the next night 15 minutes, and after that usually less than 10 (the length of a nice long shower). If they cry longer than normal, it could probably mean that there is something wrong, especially after they're used to the routine.

Here's something to keep in mind: Once they adjust to a new routine, don't go in for every whimper. My daughter was almost 2 when we moved to Oregon, and the 6-day trip was very disruptive to her schedule. The first few nights she would wake up and start crying around 9:30 or 10:00--just about the time we had started falling asleep. We would go in and comfort her, but it didn't seem to help. So after about a week of that, we decided to let her cry it out. After 2 or 3 nights of that she quit crying and we were able to get a good night's sleep. This is the most recent experience for me, therefore fresh in my memory, but I recall it was the same for similar circumstances in the past.

Of course, if you enjoy cosleeping, I don't see why you couldn't continue it. I know a family that has 3 kids and they still cosleep (with all 3 in a king-size bed), at least, last I heard, and love it. So it's totally your decision. Of course, it is easier to quit when they're younger.

If he is sleeping through the night you have got it made. I recommend not messing with a good thing! My 2 year old has co-slept with us from birth and still doesn't sleep through the night. I don't think "cry it out" makes sense. They are scared, alone and crying for the comfort of their Mother. BTW, all mammals sleep with their young, why wouldn't humans? They cry until they are so exhausted they fall asleep. Not good for self-esteem and security in my opinion. I know this doesn't answer your question, but maybe you should reconsider, you have it good right now!

Hi C.,
Sounds like you are a loving, responsive mother. I would strongly recommend the books "No Cry Sleep Solution" and "The Dr. Sears Book of Sleep". They both have excellent tips for gentle ways of helping your son find his routine to get to sleep.

Good luck
A.

I've used the cry it out method with both of my girls (ages 2 and 6 months). The longest I've had them cry is about 45 minutes. After that, they fall asleep and all is good. Now they both go to sleep in their room in their own beds and sleep through the night. Most mornings they don't even wake up by the time I leave for work.

Hi C.
Well does he rock to sleep or take a binky of suck thumb? have you tried putting him to sleep and then laying him in his bed cause that might work. Also try a little at a time putting him in his bed and talk to you husband and tell him you need his support also. I use the 10 minute rule with my daughter who is 8 1/2 months old. We started when she was 2 months old and now she sometimes still fuses or cries to sleep, but I usually try to give her 10 minutes or obviously we as mothers can tell our childs cry. If they are crying to be held or if something is wrong. Also my daughter has a bedside toy wish I will probably have to take out soon, but it has lights and sound maybe try something that is comforting for him to sleep with etc. Hope this helps! Good luck
B.

I am currently reading the No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. In part of her book she describes how to get a co-sleeper to sleep through the night in their own bed without crying it out. My son is only four months old. I am going to get him to sleep through the night before I move him out of our bed. I got the book at the library. Good Luck!

We used the cry out method with my now 2 year old daughter and she goes to sleep at 7pm until 7am every night, we started that with her at around 5 months or maybe 6 months. We now have a 3 month old son and will probably use the same method, I know a lot of people do not agree with it but it does work and the child learns to fall asleep on their own and to understand to soothe themselves back to sleep. If you feel anxiety about it, try it in small steps, let him cry for like 10 minutes max and go pat him, leave immediately and if crying continues go back in every 10 minutes, it will seem like the LONGEST 10 minutes of your life but it works. Good Luck, we will be doing this again soon for our little one.

I used the cry it out method with two of my three boys. (The third one had no trouble transitioning from co-sleeping to crib.) The first was the worst and hardest. I sat on the edge of my bed, watched the video monitor and cried along with my son. But it took two or maybe three days of decreasing crying and he was sleeping twelve hours each night in his crib with no problem at all. With the other one, I put him down in his crib and then went and took a long shower until he cried himself to sleep. (This one is 2.5 now and he still protests going to bed and usually cries for a couple of minutes each night but he does sleep by himself.

Jana's advice is great--he's just learning a new routine.

We did CIO with our daughter at 11 months--we had fallen into a co-sleeping pattern around 7 months when she had a stuffy nose and I wanted to monitor her all night, HUGE mistake!

The CIO method worked in three nights for us, although the pediatrician said it might take up to a week. She never acted hurt or resentful in the morning, and the third night was only a whimper right when we put her in the crib. Now, she's almost two and sleeps like a champ!

It feels so cruel and mean at first--but think about it, it's a new experience to your baby and he doesn't have all the emotional rational reasoning that we have. To him it will be, "I want what I'm used to"...and that's about it.

Talk to your pediatrican about cry-it-out strategies. We did a "no longer than 45 minutes" rule, and never had to go in as she fell asleep within 30 the first night, 15 the next night. There are some "no cry" methods, but they take weeks to months, and according to several of my mom friends who have tried them--have great potential for relapse.

The absolute BEST advice I got when I was pregnant was, "Don't let the baby sleep with you" from my sister-in-law who had a 3.5 year old still in the bed. They didn't get him out of the bed til more than a year after that. She said, "Why do you think he's an only child?" He's five now, and she's having another baby!

You can do it, you just have to be strong. That first night, I walked around the block because I knew my husband could handle it much better than me! Make an appointment with his pediatrician about "sleep issues". Tell the pediatrican your anxiety and how you do want him to go to his own bed.

I used CIO, and it is not cruel and does not require allowing your child to cry for hours. I would put my son to bed awake at the same time every night, and then would leave. If he started to cry I would use a timer and wait 5 minutes, then go in and comfort him. I would try to avoid picking him up and never gave a bottle. I would just rub his back or tummie, maybe sing softly. Once he was calm I would leave again. If he started crying I would reset the timer for another 5 minutes. There was only one time he made it through a second 5 minute wait, and never a third. He was not left to cry for hours, and he learned to self comfort while knowing mommy was still there if he really needed me.

If my boys woke at night and were fussing I would also use the 5 minutes before I would go in, they almost always fell back to sleep on their own with out me having to go in at all. I now have 2 very independent boys who are still great at bed time!