I'm probably going to sound pathetic... But here it goes. My 3 month old baby girl only sleeps in my arms during the day, I've tried many different things to have her sleep on her own but nothing seems to work. If it does, she'll only sleep for a half an hour tops. While with me, she'll easily sleep for an hour or 2. Desperate as I was, today, I tried the CIO method which worked the first round, but after that, she'd just stay up for hours until her next feed, which resulted in an exhausted baby. Now I feel horrible and feel like I've damaged her by letting her CIO. I just feel like a horrible mother... Is there ANY chance I've damaged her mentally or the bonding process?
*edit* definitely not trying that again, it broke my heart. She's sleeping in my arms right this moment, where she belongs. My concern is if this one time could have damaged her in any way.
Thanks for the replies. To clarify, I did NOT let her scream for hours. I wouldn't let her get to the point of screaming(more fussy crying than anything else), and followed the ferber method, to a certain point. (this being about 3 mins each time before I'd go check). At one point I'd just sit next to her crib.
She doesn't like to be held in a sling, only when we take walks, but won't sleep in it.
She's a champ at night, she sleeps for 7+ hours, always has slept great at night. We try to keep the same routine, which obviously works at night, but it just doesn't work during the day.
She seems to want to be where the action is. Always a happy baby, calm and cooing a lot. Just need to find our routine and stick to it. And for now, suck it up and keep laying down with her for her naps.
No, she's not damaged. You sound like a great mom. You will be tired for a few months, but you will get through it. Try again at 6 months.
Enjoy!
Too young. Do t try that again until at least six months. Probably by then, you won't need to try a sleep method. She will be in a nice routine. Just be patient.
If every baby who was left to cry once was damaged, the world would have no functioning citizens.
Cry it out only works well (with very little crying before healthy night of independent sleep) when babies are 100% not hungry for a full night. 3 months old is too soon for many, especially ravenous nursing-only babies.
Wait, she sleeps all night? This is not about CIO, it's about her making you hold her for naps? You set the pace. If you don't want to hold her every time she sleeps, then put her down and let her cry. Phases are so short with babies. It won't hurt her, it will enable her to sleep without your help.
I would wait until at least 6 months to try CIO, and then do the Ferber method. But no, she is not damaged. Think of all the babies who cry the entire time mom is in the shower, or the entire time they are in the car. Sometimes babies have to cry and can not be comforted. Many cry the entire time mom rocks them to sleep. Crying does not hurt babies. Babies and children are very resilient.
Have you tried pushing her in a stroller? When my babies were little I had to take them on long walks in the stroller to get them to sleep (during the day). I preferred that to sitting and holding them while they slept in the house because at least I was getting some exercise and fresh air.
You don't sound pathetic at all - you sound like a typical mom going trough a trying phase with a baby, which we all have :)
I think you tried something to see if it would work, and 3 minutes at a time of crying/fussing is not going to hurt her - but at that age, as you realized, they can just become upset and if they do fall asleep, it's more from being exhausted from crying. Which I get, you don't want to do. Marda's approach (when older and just comforting when they are ready to drift off on their own) does work - but it's not really when they are fussy - more for just settling them down. That's what I did starting at around 6 months.
I would not have survived without my bouncy seat/vibrating one with bubbles to watch. The music and the vibration would push them over the edge into sleep each time. It always worked. And a friend also lent me the matching swing - so I could alternate. Over time I got them to sleep in their bassinette or crib (like yours mine liked being in the hustle and bustle so I often kept bassinette in our dining room where they could still hear us).
Good luck :)
Of course, you did NOT damage your baby. I suggest that instead of abruptly changing to letting her CIO, you transition her to sleeping in her bed.
How do you put her down at night? Sounds like sleeping in her bed isn't a problem then. Try doing similar things during the day time.
Do a modified CIO. when you lay her down, pat her back or in some way make calming physical contact with her. Use a soothing voice. Stay for a few minutes, leave for a couple of minutes. Return, repeat, extending the amount of time that you're away. The goal is to teach her that you will return.
she's way too young for CIO. no, you haven't 'damaged' her. half an hour is better than nothing!
but no CIO.
i'm glad she sleeps well at night. you're doing fine.
khairete
S.
Um, CIO (technically isn't that at all, but look up The Ferber Method if you are truly interested in sleep training, and do your research first, so you do it correctly) is not for 3 month old babies. It's for older babies. *Maybe* as young as 5 months, but I wouldn't do it until 6 months. That's when I used it with my 2nd child. Worked beautifully.
3 months is way too young, though.
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Oh.. wow. Ok, so you weren't talking about at night, but just for naps? That changes things. I had great night time sleepers, too. :) But naps for son were difficult. He needed me to hold him and be still in order to fall asleep. And he didn't sleep as long or take nearly as many naps as many babies do. I was usually lucky to get 90 minutes twice a day by the time he was 6 months old, if memory serves.
If it were me doing it all over again, I'd probably do what I did then, and no worry too much about the naps. If she's sleeping well at night, she'll be ok. Let her nap when she falls asleep. Swings are great for "encouraging" sleep. So are rides in the car.
Where did you learn the CIO technique? Did you just let her scream for hours? That's not how CIO works - look up Ferber and/or talk to your pediatrician. But usually you don't try this until about 6 months. You teach them to self-soothe by comforting without picking up, and you go in at increasing intervals (10 minutes, then 20, then 30...). Ferber worked great with our 6 month old - 3 nights of hell, going in at intervals and never giving up to pick him up. We took turns so the other parent could sleep. This is what our pediatrician recommended, and she said to pick a 3 day weekend and do it then so no one had to go to work exhausted.
Can you get one of those swings that has different patterns of rotation? And have you tried swaddling? Sometimes they just like to be close but not necessarily held. Try a white noise machine, darkened shades, and one of those heartbeat teddy bears or machines that mimics the mother's heartbeat. And anything you do takes time. Don't give up and don't keep switching techniques after a few tries.
You have not damaged your child, not at all. You are an exhausted mother, not a terrible one. You will have a bond with her always. You really don't want her sleeping in your arms all the time - not good for her, not good for you. There's no expert anywhere who recommends that.
If you are sleep deprived, don't drive at all, and certainly not with her in the car. That's damaging and dangerous, but what you did is not. Not one of us has ever heard of that causing damage, and there's nothing in the literature either, and no pediatrician will tel you that.
We are all too hard on ourselves - welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of!
No, you haven't hurt her. My daughter would not nap unless she was in the car seat or bouncy seat. She wouldn't sleep at night unless we were holding her until she was about three months old. After that she would only sleep if we coslept with her. We tried CIO and it was horrible!! I had post partum depression and it about sent me over the edge. I tried other sleep methods and none of them worked. We did what we had to do to get her to sleep and that meant taking turns sleeping in the recliner or propped up in bed just so we all could get sleep. And later cosleeping. I had so many people telling me that she would never be able to sleep on her own. That we were spoiling her. That she would have sleep issues her whole life. Guess what. She's 8 years old now and she is a great sleeper. Everyone was wrong. Good luck! I know just how exhausting it is to have a baby who won't sleep.
No, but you probably damaged your own peace of mind. Sleep training shouldn't happen until 4-6 mos, with a heavy emphasis on leaning towards 6.
I am sure she will be fine. Why don't you try a wrap/carrier so you can continue to function during her naps? There are lots of styles - you can probably find one that works for you.
3 months old is way too young for CIO.
You haven't damaged her but I wouldn't try that again till she's 9 months to a year old.
In the mean time - get a baby sling and wear her during the day so your arms are free.
If she'll sleep in a swing - let her.
You didn't break her. I read that CIO should be used 6 months or older. We used the pick up/put down method. Find what works for you and your child. She's only 12 weeks old. I wouldn't try CIO yet.
You're not a bad mom at all. We all look for ways to get some rest in the early years, but it's virtually impossible. Some people have miracle babies who sleep really well, and others don't. My oldest didn't start sleeping well until this summer - she's 12. Both of my boys (8 and 10) have slept really well from the time they were born. However, we co-slept with all 3. So I wouldn't say it effected them one way or the other. They all know they are loved and got enough sleep - so did I as a nursing mama!
I am an odd one out. I do not like CIO at all. Babies are our responsibility and finding a good way to get them to sleep is sometimes hard. I'd say lay her in her bed then sit by her or lay by her and put your hand in the bed with her. Then rub her back or pay her back until the baby is asleep.
Make sure the room is darkened at least 60%, play quiet ocean sounds or white noise or something soothing, don't talk to her or give her any attention. Gently lay her back down and continue to pat and/or rub her back. She's old enough to turn over, right? If she's where she can turn over then she can sleep on her tummy if she likes, so that's why I'm saying rub her back. All our kids turned over in bed one time and they never slept any other way.
You can google for additional ideas to help an infant go to sleep.
A.,
Welcome to mamapedia!!
You're a first time mom. Your daughter can pick up on your stress as well. No, you have NOT damaged your daughter. Breathe...the first year is a hard year....as you're getting to know her, she's getting to know you, you'll hear the difference in her cries and reactions on her face.
I'm NOT a proponent of CIO. However, I will not run the second they cry out either. I give it one to 2 minutes to see if it's an immediate problem or something a self-soothe works. However at 3 months? No.
No. You don't sound pathetic. You sound like a first time caring mom!! Remember to take care of you - get plenty of sleep.
GURL!!!!!!!!!! It's like you put me in a time machine. My darling son wouldn't let me put him down for 5 months (probably not something you want to hear). I did the one handed potty break, one handed folding clothes...you name it, I managed to do it one handed. I am not a believer in the CIO method for any child younger than 12 months. Every baby is different, so I'm not sure exactly what to suggest. What I can say is that if she's able to sleep at night in her crib, which you say she is. I say hold her and meet this need during the day until she grows out of it, which she will and then you'll be like...how/when did that happen? :-)
as far as damaging her....no. you have not damaged her, not neurologically or psychologically. You tried something new, the two of you came to the conclusion that it's not right for you and you adjusted your approach to meet her needs. pull yourself off that hook and, as counterintuitive as this may sound, savor every warm snuggly moment you can with her because this chapter will soon enough pass. :-) S.
you didnot damage her mentally you did the right thing
