To Harsh? What Would You Tell Her?

Yep, overreacted. Never threaten a child, even if you wouldn't actually pack her bags. My parents said something similar to me, and I actually DID runaway. I was a great kid, but they kept pushing and continued threatening until I had enough. It's better to be calm and talk it out.

The first time I threatened to run away I was six. We were driving. My mum pulled over, told me to get out, and drove off. I cried by the side of the road. She picked me up a few minutes later and said if I ever threatened to run away again, she wouldn't come back.

Yeah. That was the last time I ran away, until I was 17, and actually did... by joining the USMC.

I didn't have her stones when my son pulled the run-away-thing for the first time (also at about age 6).

I was 10 and threatened it. My mom packed me a bag and put me out the front door and locked it. I sat on the porch for hours till I had to go pee so bad I had to knock on the door to get back in. :)

I think you totally overreacted. Of course she doesn't actually want to run away. She was just upset. She's 11. She's going through so many changes and uncertainty. This is a very scarry time in a young girl's life. She's trying to figures out who she is. She wants to fit in with her peers. Right now she needs to feel your love. It might not seem like it when she's angry, but she is actually beggin for you to love her.

I remember saying things like that to my parents. They almost always responded with, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you very much," and then left me along for a little bit so I could cool off. They would come back to me a little while later and talk.

You have to realise, she said this to you in the heat of the moment. She was upset and angry and spoke without thinking. This is a time in her life when she needs you to keep reaching out to her and reasuring her. She's not threatening you, she just needs to know that you are on her side, always.

Well for one thing, I could never follow through on it, so I probably wouldn't say it. I can sympathize with saying it, but still... I guess I feel like I want my child to know I would never every want her to leave and there is nothing she could do to make me not want her in our home. I wouldnt' wan ther to remember me saying, "okay, fine, go ahead!" Because that is not what I would mean.

That said, I might giver holy hell for threatening me. Might find a punishment for it. And I woudl express how incredibly bad it would make me feel and in our family we work things out and not run away from our problems, etc. So yes, I think it was harsh, and there is probably a better way to get your point across.

"I am not her friend, I am her parent."

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'm not sure what kind of responses you've gotten here on this, but I can imagine that some of them were probably ridiculous. There's not a question you can ask on this site without at least of couple of totally outrageous responses.

Case in point, I just asked a question about a scorpion infestation in my house (we have the extremely dangerous type here in AZ) and a couple of women actually felt sorry for the little demons and suggested I "learn to live with them." You just have to laugh at stuff like that because you KNOW that if these folks were really in our shoes, they would feel much differently.

As for your daughter, I think you handled it exactly how I would have. I just glanced down and saw another person told you never to "threaten" your child. Again, I just had to laugh. I probably threaten my kids a dozen times a day, lol. Honestly, you did what you had to do to make her understand that you won't take a threat from HER lightly. You completely disarmed her and put the control back where it belongs...with you.

Sounds like you're doing a great job with her, especially since the two of you are so close. I can only hope when my daughter is that age, I'll have that kind of amazing relationship with her.

Wishing the very best for you and yours.

Yeah, I think that's pretty harsh. She may be as mature as a 14 year old but she's not. She's 11. Now is a good time to start talking to her about these feelings in the hopes that you can start developing some more respectful patterns. Good questions (in non emotional times) to ask are "What is it that you are feeling when you say that that you think I don't understand?" then you have to listen to her answer. "How can I help you better when you are so upset?"

Also, sometimes kids say they want to run away but they don't necessarily mean from home. They get SO overwhelmed by their emotions that they want to escape that feeling (i.e. run away) but they don't necessarily MEAN from home, just from "this place" or this "headspace" but they aren't that sophisticated yet to understand that's what they mean/feel and worse they project those overwhelmed feelings onto their parents and you are the source of all their misery.

But teenagers are GREAT button pushers. They'll say things to get you to react, they will throw barbs...and your best play is to not fight back and love them anyways (in my opinion). You can still discipline but doing so unemotionally says to them, "You're going through something, I may or may not understand but you need to try to cope more effectively and as your parent I am going to impose a restriction/punishment on you because I still love you enough to be your parent and I'm not done with you yet."

Not too harsh at all. When my son was 10 years old he told me he was running away. I said ok and reminded him to pack his toothbrush. Not the reaction he wanted and he's never tried that again.

Of course later I did talk to him and tell him how much his dad and I love him, that we would be very sad if he left, and that he can and should come talk to us about anything that is bothering him. He's almost 17 years old now and when he's mad he says he can't wait to graduate high school and move out. When he's not mad he talks about living here after high school so he can go to a local college and work. But even now he comes to me and says he needs to talk about something...and I take the time to listen to him.

You're right that you are her parent, not her friend. You have to be a parent first, you can be her friend when she's an adult. And telling her that she needs to talk to you before she gets that upset again is the right thing. I think you handled the situation well.

Hi M. A.,

I am right there with you on this one. You handled it just fine.

My son did that once - he wanted to go live with his MawMaw. I said "Sure, give her a call". She very calmly explained to him that if he did live with her he still needed to go to school, study, do chores; everything he "hated" about living at home. He stayed with me. LOL

Just last month I told him if he hated it with me so much I would gladly pack up his things and drop him off to live at his Dad's house. Again, he recanted, apologized, and has once again fallen in line with our household rules.

You were not out of line. I will not let my son threaten me with running away or living with other family members. This is his home and I am the parent, and ultimately he really doesn't really want to live anywhere else but with me.

Each time it has happened with us, it has actually strengthened our relationship because it opened up a dialogue that we used to work things out.

Good Luck and God Bless

My 9y did this too me last year. He got mad and said I was the meanest mom ever and he was leaving.

Me: I'm mean. Really? You want to leave, you want a different mom, fine. IF you leave, your only allowed to go and stay with family.
Him: Fine by me!
Me: Okay, your choices are:
Aunt A where you'd share a room with a cat.
Aunt C where you have to share a SMALL room with your cousin
Aunt D where you'll be living with 3 girls
Pick.

Him: I don't want any of that! I don't get other choices?
Me: No. So then leaving isn't really an option so don't you EVER bring it up again. Its hurtful. You may not like me sometimes, and I may get mad at you sometimes, but I will ALWAYS love you and THAT will never change.

Its been over a year and the subject hasn't come back up.

Not at all. But be prepared to back it with action if she calls you on it.

Running away from anything in life never solved any problems.
That's pretty much what you told her.
Even if we know we have to face things sooner or later, I think we all get wistful once in awhile about daydreaming 'what if' we could leave it all behind us, at least for a little while. That was the whole point of those old "Calgon, take me away!" commercials.
As far as the 'you guys just don't understand' phase goes - you could say "so explain it to me" and also "I sort of know what you mean because some things YOU are not going to understand until you are a parent yourself".
You're doing fine!

i think it's a fine way to handle it, so long as you're clear that you love them and you would prefer to discuss the situation. i helped my 7 year old pack his bags once, kissed him goodbye and told him we'd miss him terribly and sure hoped he'd be back soon. he made it to the end of the driveway, sat for an hour or so, and came back. i kissed him again, told him how glad i was, and we had a long talk about the rules and consequences he didn't like and why his dad and i felt they were necessary.
he just ran away again last week. he's 24, and i think he means it this time. but he's coming home next weekend for a star trek marathon, so i guess it's okay.
:) khairete
S.

you were not to harsh! and i agree with you about how some parents are afraid of "hurting their kids feelings", but that's lifr sometimes. lol my mom packed my bag for me too before. i got half way down the block once i realized i had nowhere to go! and even if i did i didn't know how to get there. She will get over it. best wishes

Why don't you try sitting down and talking to her about why she wants to run away? Instead of threats -ask her some questions. Don't ever tell her you'll be happy to pack her bags for her or she may take you up on that! Your daughter isn't you or your sister!

In this situation, I wonder if she was REALLY threatening to run away, or trying to get your attention. I remember saying "You don't understand" around this age. You know why I said it? Because, my parents NEVER listened to me, and the really did NOT understand what I was going through. They didn't listen EVER. I wonder, do you actually listen and hear your daughter? Perhaps, her grandmother has a better understanding of her. Maybe, in emotional ways...she feels more comfortable and heard by her. Maybe, she has a better time communicating with her.

I don't think it's too harsh, but I do think you need to step back and look at what is really happening. It's great you said you love her and there has to be rules. That makes it clear, and also gives her support. Teenagers are not good at communication. Often, when they make these kinds of threats in an otherwise happy household...it's the parent's who are hearing what is really the matter. I really encourage to sit and talk with her. No judgments, no opinion, not even any words for you, just try and understand. Chances are, she is saying this because you simply don't understand. This is a hard age and trust me...it's even harder when you feel like your parents never listen.

When my daughter once told me that she wanted to run away, I told her that sometimes I wanted to run away too, but life was just like that sometimes. I didn't take it as a threat, just an expression of how she felt about the situation at the time. Then I asked her what had her so frustrated that she wanted to run away.
I think every kid tells their parents at least once in their lives that they want to run away.

She is approaching the age when hormones and moods are crazy.

She needs to know you love her unconditionally and you have her back.......even when you "hate" each other.

You threatened her as well so how is that going to make things better for you both? Certainly decreases trust.

You don't need to be her friend.... Be her mother (the parent) but be loving. She is going through a lot of changes and it does not mean she hates you.

I have a 16 yr old, we went through a stage that was NOT FUN at all and it is hard to keep your head straight as a parent and continue to love love love even when you feel like you can't. It gets better!!

You basically responded to a threat with a threat. You are telling her to be prepared to follow through with her threat; are you ready to follow through with yours? Kids usually say they'll run away because they know they are safe. You've painted yourself into a corner with your return threat, but if kids threaten to do it, following up with gentle questions is often enough to make your point. Ask where they'll go, how they'll get there, what they'll need, what they'll eat. Then you can ask what would be different. That will open her up a little to safely tell you how she feels. That is NOT giving her "the attention she wants" but is actually addressing the issues for BOTH of you.

Now if she does it again and you NEED to help her pack, do so gently and with love, not anger.