First I'd like to mention I've been a counselor 18 years and tought parenting 6. I Have 3 grown children , a fireman , nurse practitioner and one who chose to start family before career. Then there's my 4th child , My 14 year old daughter . She will not accept no when it comes to anything she is set on doing. She will leave house when told she can't and basically be saying " What are you going to do about it ." She now has a boyfriend who will be 18 in April that has no parental guidance. He smokes weed, drinks and takes zanex on occasion. He runs the streets all hours of night while his dad works. He is insecure and posesive. His last girlfriends parents got a restraining order because he refused to stay away. My daughter will leave house to be with him while I'm telling her no . I'm afraid if I do anything drastic she will run away with him. He has family in Bay Area and I see him trying to get her to go there with him . Please any suggestions . Im frozen with fear. I know I should call the police but afraid of what she will do afterwards to be with him . This has to stop !
Daughter took off to see boyfriend after being told she couldn't go. He is too old for her and not making good choices in his own life .
When someone comes out the door trying to prove who they are to me (I'm a counselor, My kids are all in wonderful careers, I have "tought" parenting to 6 kids) I tend to roll my eyes.
When I read this paragraph I just don't believe one word of it.
There are way to many spelling errors and grammatical errors for someone who has been a counselor and "tought" parenting.
you're running the risk of a romeo and juliet complex here. at 14 she's too old to have outside restrictions placed on her. good values and listening have got to be instilled when they're younger or this is exactly where you end up.
of course, even good kids can rebel at 14, and maybe this is the case with yours. but most kids who have an open and positive relationship with their parents don't go so far as to openly defy.
you could try shutting everything down, but i think it would be counter-productive at this point.
i think if this were me i would hold my nose and open my door to this boy. if they're both at your house, at least you know they're safe. be firm and no nonsense about your boundaries (no drugs or drinking, and no being in rooms with closed doors together) but other than that make your house the safe nest for them. and use the opportunity to talk to them. not to lecture, but to discuss. and to listen more than you talk. there's a key here, and it's through listening that you'll find it.
if you're only an obstacle, your smart and stubborn daughter will find ways over and around you, especially with her beloved ally. but you can say no to them and have them accept it IF they really feel (and it must be true for them to feel it) that you're on their side.
would they both go to counseling WITH you? to help figure out better communication between your family and this boy?
there are no easy answers here. i hope it works out well.
khairete
S.
My 17 has had a relationship like this, and she has acted in a very similar way, so I can tell you what we did, what I was advised by everyone in our support system. Every time she leaves against your will, call the police to report her as a runaway. If you think her safety is truly at risk, get ON the police to pursue where you think she may be, use words like "vulnerable person" so they will send someone out to look for her and take more seriously than a teenager who is just leaving mad at parents to chill safely at a friend's house for a night or so. If the police find her, they will return her to your home. Make sure you tell the police you would like their support in issuing a curfew violation, or whatever citation they can. When she returns, call can cancel the missing/runaway report. Eventually, this documented history will bring her into court, and she will face legal consequences of breaking the status offense of being a runaway. She could get ordered into a treatment program, have ankle bracelet monitor, get ordered for random UA's etc. All sorts of interventions that would be more impactful than any kind of threat you as a parent can make. This is when it gets real. Do NOT be afraid to call the police. You have to work WITH them. If she won't listen to you to return when she is out unauthorized. Call or text the boyfriend and tell him he needs to support her returning home asap, and that because your daughter is out without permission you have no choice but to get the police involved. This boy is still a minor for now? Go update his parents on what all you will be doing to get your daughter to fall in line with expectations. Tell them you don't want any trouble for their son, but if he is contributing to her breaking the law, he is going to get caught up in it. And get their support in putting pressure on him that he does NOT want to bring on that mess of trouble. If you do have knowledge that he is directing her to stay out with him, to run away, or giving her any kind of substances, get an order of protection (restraining order) immediately. Good luck!
We've had different issues with our daughter (14) that we didn't have with our first 3 kids, the boys were never so defiant. I've had a lot of conversations with her reminding her that while she is ultimately free to make her own decisions in most cases regarding her social life, my decisions are final when it comes to health and safety. Those two things are non-negotiable while keeping the lines of communication open. We have called the police when she has run away (twice, but not to be with a boy). I told her that if we had to call one more time, CPS would get involved and move her to a foster home, as well as possibly taking the other minor in the house (her brother) and putting him in foster care. This was a year ago, and I'll tell you what, it caught her attention. Home is a safe place, the threat of being placed with strangers and entering the legal system was enough to get her to stop. Was I fibbing a little when I told her the harsh consequences of her actions? Yup, but it worked.
You mentioned you were a counselor and taught parenting, so somewhere in your mind might be some great strategies to try. The problem is, this time it's your daughter, and that fact is going to cloud your mind in so many ways. (So don't feel bad. Many professionals have trouble when it comes to working with their own kids!)
You could try talking to one of your colleagues or former colleges, but your relationship with that person could make it difficult. It might be best to call your doctor or your daughter's doctor. I would try to find a family counselor to talk to. You might get some great advice here, but even if you do, you probably would benefit from talking to a counselor who can be someone you can turn to in the upcoming weeks and months.
I'm questioning the validity of this post. The misspelling of basic words ("tought"), and medications ("zanex" - it's Xanax") and your other syntax and grammatical errors lead me to wonder what kind of education you have that has allowed you to be a counselor and parenting teacher.
If you are a counselor, and a parenting teacher, you know how difficult it is to have a rebellious teen. You know the resources. You know the laws. You know how hard it is to report your child in order to save his or her life.
Either follow your own advice, or admit that you aren't actually as trained as you claim to be, and seek professional counseling or guidance from a psychiatrist or social worker.
Tell her that if she wants to make her own decisions, then you will have her declared an emancipated minor, and she can go get a job and support herself.
Tough spot to be in.
If you do nothing to prevent her then you are contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
If you to anything - then she'll do her level best to be delinquent.
What does her father say?
Girls sometimes seek male attention when they don't have a close bond with Dad.
Boarding school? One of those scared straight places?
Think about it.
If she's away from this boyfriend he'll drift away after awhile.
She'll probably find other ways to get into trouble but you'll be able to say you tried.
Make it clear when/if she moves out - she gets one chance to move back in if she's serious about straightening out her life - and hopefully she won't be bringing babies back with her if she does.
Being frozen with fear isn't going to help anything.
In some places there would be a shot gun wedding, you'd hand her to her husband and be done with her.
Start asking boyfriend how he's going to take care of and support his wife and children.
If they are having sex once he turns 18 he will be breaking the law and you can have him arrested. Short of that you have to set rules and do things to enforce them, maybe a military school? Best of luck.
