To Divorce or Not

Three words, counseling, counseling, counseling . . . it can help each of you identify and clarify issues which you may not even be aware of at this time.

The only thing that you need to consider is what do you want, and what will make you happy? 1) You can't get back together because HE wants to, 2) you can't back together because you think it would be better for your son (if you are unhappy, he will sense this and he won't really be happy). You need to think about whether or not you miss him, want to be with him etc. You also need to think about this: did he break up with her because he missed you or did he break up and then decided he missed you? There is a huge difference. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and the only way that you are truly going to know if he has grown up, is by letting him have his own life for awhile. There is nothing that says that you can't start to "date" him. You don't have to let him move back in. Make him get his own place and live separate lives for awhile, while gradually getting closer. For instance, he could have dinner at your house a couple of times a week, but he always has to go home. See if he really holds up his end of the deal, of ir he is just looking for another warm bed to run to, and your's is the closest/easiest one. In the end, be true to yourself. That is all that matters.

I hate cheaters and usually the only time they are actually sorry is when they get busted or when their "new love" dumps them. That's when they miss what they use to have because now their alone for the first time and scared.

If I were in your shoes I'd divorce but that's me. If you don't have trust and honesty in a marriage you have NOTHING sure you can earn those back and get it back but it's incredibly hard and usually doesn't happen. I say if he really loved you he wouldn't have done this in the first place.

I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have been doing. It is hard to end a marriage period, but especially when you have a child together. You are always going to want to be together and give your child that. I was with my older two children's father even though I shouldn't have been after our first was born. I just wanted us to be a family. My parents had divorced and it was so hard. Then when I got pregnant the second time it was like I just had to get through that pregnancy. Finally he did leave 2 weeks before our son was born. Over the next year, even though he was living with his new girlfriend, he would continually say that he made a mistake and loved me. Wouldn't it be better for the kids if we were together?

For us the answer was no. I watched over the past 10 years as he has moved from girlfriend to girlfriend. Always seeming to have one lined up before ending it with another (which is what he did to me.) And I did not like myself when I was with him. I never stood up for myself, he took advantage of me, and I did not love myself.

I found my current husband 7 years ago. He is not perfect, he is male after all, but I love my life. I love him and when he does do things that bother me I can tell him and he addresses it. We have had to do counseling but that was because we didn't fight well and it is so important to me that we do this right. We don't let it get to where we have major issues. We need to communicate. And I love the person I am. I stand up for myself, I am confident, I feel as though I can care for myself. We respect each other. When you have love, respect, and trust, you can make it through the rough patches.

Shelley, I hope you can look at yourself and look at the relationship you have with your husband and really determine is it what you want. Regardless of where he is now, do you see him really doing all you need him to do? Do you see that you can be the person that you want to be?

You are the only one who can say what is right for this relationship and you.
Good luck!! And I am still thinking of you.
J.

Give this more time - don't hurry through with the divorce. But don't jump right back into a relationship either. Figure out what went wrong the first time (was it only the other woman or were there communication problems, other issues?) and see if they can be worked out first. Go through the dating rituals again if you need to. Then go with your heart. I too have a friend who had a similar situation - they had two kids and when they almost got divorced, they got back together and they are a great family now - back together for at least 10 years now and going strong. It can be done but forgiveness will play a big part, along with trust, honesty and faithfulness.

This will take time if it will work. Under no circumstance should he move back in with you at this point. If it is to work I strongly recommend couples counseling (PM if you are in the Twin Cities and want a recommendation) and he should consider individual counseling as well. He needs to live on his own for a minimum of 6 months (1 year would be better) with NO dating or flings allowed. He needs to a grip on his own issues and you both need to look at what drove you apart (typically affairs are the symptom, not the actual cause). Good luck.

I first of all want to say that I've been there and I feel for you- I've never felt so much pain in my life. I think you are the only one that can make the decision to divorce or to try to work it out. My husband came back to us (3 kids) telling me how sorry he was and it was over with her, we were getting along great. I felt I was given a second chance and we were going to be a happy family. Four months later, I found out that he never really ended it, so I went through all the horrible emotions again. It really ended that time after a call to her husband who didn't have a clue it had gone on for a year and a half.
That was 2 years ago, and after counseling and many rough times in between we are doing well. It has not been easy- I still think about it every day and at times still wonder if I did the right thing in taking him back. I had so many people tell me to divorce him, but in the end I thought about what it would do to our kids and decided I couldn't end it until I could say I absolutely did everything I could to make it work.
I do recommend therapy- alone and with your husband. It's just too much to do alone.
Look up Dr. Frank Gunzburg on line, I found his articles to be very helpful. I would read someone else's story and the feelings she was going through and be reassured that I was not going crazy, others go through the same emotions.
It's so hard to get that trust back it takes a long time- he needs to earn it! You've been through so much and in the end- whatever decision you make- you will find strength that you never knew you had.

Good luck and take care!

Shelley,
Hey there. I don't think you need to make any decisions one way or another right now. If you still want to try to make things work, then start some counseling to work through it. You don't have to make any decisions about anything until you have more information. He's going to have to earn your trust again and prove himself and you'll both have to create a new relationship that you both want to be in. Only you know whether you want to take that risk. Plus, you certainly know by now some things that you would like improved if you decide to take another shot at this. Being in a good place yourself is only going to make your standards higher. You don't have to go backwards to be with him again if that's what you want. I would suggest taking it slow though so that these issues really get worked out and don't follow you around. In either scenario, counseling with a good person will help you both know what you want and which way you want to go.
Good luck!!

When it comes down to it, you're the only one who can decide what is right for you and your family. In this kind of situation, all you can do is follow your heart. Like others have stated, even if you choose to give it another chance, you both need to commit to couples therapy, individual therapy (I would say for both-you have anger and hurt to work through too), and time living apart in order to give yourselves some space and time to work on yourselves. I don't necessarily believe the "once a cheater, always" saying. If your husband is genuinely sorry for what he's done and if he can come to understand what his actions have done to you, then there's a good chance he'll never cheat again. But it will take a lot of time for him to gain back the trust he has lost from you and your family. He needs to understand that and realize that working towards earning all that back is going to be necessary in order for the two of you to have a chance. It is possible to do it, but it will require a great deal of time and effort from him (and you) in order to get to a point where it can. Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you and your family!

Dear S.,

I would recommend Dr. Bill Harley's book, surviving an affair & he has other books that can help. I've listened to him on the radio. His website is marriagebuilders.com & his advice is wonderful. I hope this helps & best of luck.

B. F

This sounds almost identical to what my good friend went through about 8 years ago. They were on the verge of divorce when both began to rethink the situation. They put the divorce on hold - and without deciding either way - they went to marriage therapy. Because he had moved out of the girl-friend's home and wanted to work on the marriage, he moved into the basement while she lived (with the toddler) on the main level of their home. Both husband and wife opened up during therapy and worked through all their issues. Today, they are together and doing wonderfully. They have been married for nearly 13 years now.

You sound so strong!
There is some great advice here from other moms too.
I think you take it one day at a time and go with your instinct. Your son sounds like he is taking it well and his young age helps. As you redefine what your relationship could look like (again) keep in mind that he will notice things more and question them as he gets older. Consistency is the key.
Marriage counseling is a good first step as it can help you determine his level of commitment but it's not the pancea for all things.
Keep yourself surrounded by loving people who don't judge. It is very hard for your parents to accept him now but that doesn't mean they can't get over that trust issue... with time. You might too - who knows? But carve out that newly independent space that it took so much toil and turmoil to get to. BEST OF LUCK!

The fact that you're confused says to me you still have feelings, but you're afraid of being vulnerable emotionally and may even have severe trust issues.

I think you both may have a future. I say agree to go to a good marriage counselor and take things from there. You are right to have apprehension. Only a sane person would. Also keep in mind people make mistakes. Perhaps you need a neutural party to mediate discussions, and help bring about healing.

I don't know if you're very big into faith and religion, but if so, I'd strongly suggest going to a marriage counselor that uses a christian based therapy program. The reason I say this is their goal is always to "repair" the marriage and what brought about the separation, whereas often but not in all cases, secular counselors may approach things with less of an emphasis on keeping the family intact, and more from the perspective of helping you both achieve what you think you want. Sometimes our feelings and perspectives are skewed, and maybe coming at things from a more traditional perspective rather than a secular perspective will give you some clarity. All you can do is try.

Be glad he figured this out sooner and not years later. Give him another chance, but with serious conditions - that you both attend quality marriage counseling, that he rebuild trust by proving his commitment through doing all the things an attentive, loving husband would do and by focusing on improving his relationship with his child and his in-laws. Anything is forgiveable, but trust must be rebuilt - he can not expect you to automatically go back to being the person you were before. A good marriage counselor will walk you throught his process. If you are in the Twin Cities I recommend the Bachmanns in the Stillwater area. Your child deserves a chance to have his family intact if at all possible. You don't want to be the one to try and explain to him someday how his daddy tried to come home and you said no.

SAHM of seven

Don't have any experience in this area and really hope I never have to however, I can still empatize with what you are going thru. I would be extremely wary. Though the current "girlfriend" situation fell thru, it could so easily start up again with someone else.