This Kid Will Not Eat

The quickest way to create food issues is to make food an issue. Force feeding just causes kids to double down on not eating because they feel like they should have some control. My youngest was an incredible picky eater. I made one dinner and he could eat or not as long as he tried the food before discounting it, but fresh fruits and veggies are always available whenever a kid wants to eat them. Sometimes he chose to eat carrots and apples rather then dinner, and that was fine. Eventually he outgrew it.

To me, it seems like both working with a specialist AND a family therapist might be necessary. A two-pronged approach, because eating and food are huge emotional issues for parents. There's a lot of dysfunction in what you are describing and the parents are going to need some emotional support, because changing what they are doing is going to be hard on them. Parents can feel guilt and anger around this issue. (I'm guessing that's where the force feeding stems from: fear and struggle and feelings of inadequate parenting.) I don't have any new suggestions and like the advice to clear out all the junk food from the house. It's going to be a rough path going forward; they should expect a lot of tantrums as they start to be firm with their son regarding his food choices.

That said, they (the parents) need to decide that this is a long-term health issue and that they are willing to follow through. Stay out of this one while they are with you. Sympathize, offer a few good suggestions, but let them be the ones to deal with their kiddos proclivities regarding food.

His parents need to take him to see professionals for an evaluation and tips on how to handle whatever is discovered.. There is something more than being picky at play here.

Force feeding is never okay and will always be the wrong move. This is bigger than what your friends are currently able to handle without help.

Is your friend asking for suggestions from you?

I Have a son who refused to eat dinner when he was young. It was a cry fest every night and I was so frustrated with him! So....I decided that since I do not cook poison....he was to eat what was served or just not eat. The first week, he did not eat dinner. He would say, " i don't like that!" I would say, "That's fine son. You don't have to eat. But this is dinner. SO if you get hungry later, this is what there is to eat." And then I would re-heat it when he came back out and said he was hungry....and he would refuse. After a week...he was eating dinner.
Your friends have taught their son that if he whines, cries, throws a fit, or refuses to eat that they will give in. He will get fat and sick if he doesn't add fruits, vegetables, protein, and calcium to his diet. And it will be their fault.

We were never a sweets/dessert family. We just don't eat them.

I made my family dinner... I typically had pasta with marinara along with it as a side most of the time. Other than that... no options except make a pbj or other option on your own and clean up my kitchen afterwards.

They need to work with a doctor to address his eating habits and to make sure he's getting the nutrition he needs.
He might have texture issues.
We don't do desserts every day - only special occasions.
We don't usually have sweets in the house.
So if that kid came to visit our house - if he wanted something sweet his only choice would be to have a piece of fruit or some juice.
This is something his parents need to work on with him.
If they don't ask for advice - don't give them any.
It would be rude to offer any if they are not looking for it.

This problem is not going to be solved in your house. Put them in charge of his food and stay out of it.

I can't believe an 8 year old is in charge of these things, and they have not investigated medical or behavioral issues with professionals. They have to remove all the junk from the house, yes, and not give in. They have to not respond to whining or tantrums - but it sounds like they are giving in to sweets because it's easier for THEM and not better for the child. He needs to be evaluated by his pediatrician for failure to thrive (if it's been going on that long) and other issues of development (muscle strength, cognitive abilities) and for issues re texture and so on. If he's EATING but not healthy foods, then it's not likely a digestive issue or anything with food motility (where kids feel full and get nauseated if they eat a reasonable amount). But he may need a nutritionist and a behavioral therapist to work on his other reasons for refusing as well as to find good compromise foods. For example, it's possible to pack pancakes with all kinds of nutrition (I use wheat germ, flax meal, fruit and a lot more in mine) and then put a scant tablespoon of real maple syrup or agave syrup or real whipped cream on top. A lot goes into smoothies which can be sweetened with real fruit (including the fiber) and loaded up with everything from a good soy powder to ground up kale and more. My son loves that. Your friends' son needs to be seen by a pediatric dentist to assess the effect of all these sweets on his permanent teeth.

But the parents have to learn how and be willing to be the bad guys.

Forced feeding is not going to work. Discipline might. But they need a team approach to this child's issues, whatever they are, as well as their own parenting techniques.

I had a picky eater. The nutritionist told us to make dinner and put it on the table. If he didn't want what was served, we had an alternate meal: peanut butter on wheat bread. He had to make it himself, as we are not short order cooks.
Many a night he made himself peanut butter on wheat. We said nothing. Eventually, he ate what the rest of us ate - he may not have eaten a lot, but he ate. We did not keep sweets in the house, so that solved that little issue. We made cookies once in a while. We had cake and ice cream for birthdays. But, generally, we had few sweet things available.
We did keep cheese, yogurt, hummus and pita, veggies, and fruit available for them...

I am a nutritionist and from the info you provided this does not sound like a sensory processing/taste, texture issue but rather an issue of this child used to eating too much sugar and thus now craves it, if they don't address it now this child will be heading down a road of impact mentally and physically from this diet. They should work with a professional holistic nutritionist to get the child back on track- this includes the family as kids will eat what they see their parents eat, so taking all junk food out of the home, a pantry makeover, and educating the parents on healthy eating habits for the entire family.

If your friends ask for a suggestion, I think you should acknowledge that they have tried everything they can and that they need to have an appointment with a child psychologist/therapist to discuss new methods. They have set up a dynamic which will hurt the child and cause behavioral issues in the future. They need help.

As for the visit, I love the suggestion below that the child be allowed to spoon food onto his own plate (or not). I would not engage with him over his eating habits. His parents will need to address this professionally.

they need to talk to the pedi, and get a counselor. my cousin was a super picy eater. my aunt tried everything. now he is type 1 diabetic, weighs about half what other kids his age weigh and is always not feeling well. (he is also on the spectrum which complicates things)
poor diet will create unnecessary health issues so they need to get a professional on board and get this taken care of.

Friends of ours rarely said no to their kids, and now they have a very overweight (possibly obese) 9 year old.

When she comes over to our house, I find it awkward. She only wants sweets. I will offer up snacks my kids eat, mid afternoon, and she pretends she hasn't heard me because she doesn't like what's offered. She acts like she is hearing impaired.

It's not my problem and I'm losing interest. This child is not your problem. I'd suggest you let her parents look after son's food while they are staying with you. If they want to add things to the meal - they can provide them. Stay out of it, and don't concern yourself with it. Quite frankly, you shouldn't have to - and it just reinforces that he gets what he wants.

Like the other moms below, I always serve what I serve - if someone doesn't like it, they can have leftovers (we always have something in the fridge they can heat up), or they can make themselves a sandwich or eggs and toast. I don't cater to them. If we go to friends' homes for meals, my kids eat more salad for example if they don't like the main. We had that rule - must try everything. You can't be rude.

Have they asked their pediatrician for a referral to a specialist? A friend of mine took her child to physical therapy for this and it worked wonders - I think his was trouble with different textures and also because he had severe reflux as a baby and he associated eating with pain which developed into a long term aversion to food even after the reflux was better. But there are many other reasons why kids won't eat and a professional can sort through the potential reasons and work from there. Forcing a kid to eat isn't going to work in the long run. They need professional help.

In the short term, during this visit, let him put food on his plate himself and don't call any attention to it, regardless of how much he serves himself or how much he eats of what is on his plate (even if he doesn't take or eat any of it, just ignore it, he can sit at dinner with an empty plate if he wants to). You can't fix a life-long problem in 2 weeks, and you don't want the visit to turn into a stressful power-struggle.

ETA: I agree with karen b that there is a big difference between a kid who doesn't eat, and a kid who wants sweets all the time. Your post waffles on this issue. If he eats, but only wants sweets (which you mention in the middle), that a totally different issue from a kid who won't eat at all (which is what your title and last line say). Either way, it's not your issue to fix.

In our house we have a simple rule - you must try one bite of everything served. That being said, we don't typically keep many sweets around other than fruits (naturally sweet) and I'm not a short order cook. You eat what is served or you are free to eat a fruit (one apple, one orange, one banana, a cup of cut up melon, etc...) or fix yourself a sandwich.
No fighting, no griping, no taking away privileges, no making it a huge issue; just simply stating the expectations and no backing down from them. The probability of the kiddo actually starving themselves is pretty small if they realize their parents aren't going to give in.

Not sure if this will be helpful, but I will tell you what my mother always told me. A child will never starve itself. It's okay to let them go hungry for a night. They WILL eat in the morning. If sweets are not an option, he will eventually eat what he's given.

They are feeding the issue. They need to back off and just not buy the sweets and stuff. It's not nutritious so he doesn't need the sweets.

Let him eat what he will eat. I have a picky eater. I was a dictator at meal time and nothing, absolutely nothing I did, EVER made her eat anything but what she wanted to eat.

I got tired of cleaning up puke and one day realized I was making it all about food and she was going to grow up with food being a power. So I stopped it right them. I let her fix what she wants to eat and I do not make her even try anything I fix.

Meal time is much more relaxed and happy. She also eats a wider variety of foods now that the pressure is off.

Have them look into a condition called ARFID, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. It's hard to know without knowing more about what he will eat/won't, but he may very well have this condition. Our son has it and it's not fun.

he will not allow himself to starve.

I would tell his parents that you are not a short order cook and he will have what everyone else is having. If he doesn't want to eat? Fine. But you are not a short order cook.

the child has learned to manipulate the parents and everyone else. It's sad. Appears they are trying to be his friend instead of his parent. If any medical condition has been ruled out? Stop forcing him and just have him sit there when everyone else eats.

What I would tell them?
Stop panicking over his eating.
Stop allowing him to rule the roost.
Fix what you are going to eat for everyone. He has the choice to eat. Do NOT freak out if he doesn't eat. Ensure he has liquids to keep him hydrated. His body will NOT allow him to starve.

It isn't your problem, so don't get too frustrated about it. He is rebelling from the forcefeeding thing and has learned how to manipulate the system.When he wants a pop or chocolate milk very cheerfully say sorry only people who eat a pb and j for lunch get one.When dessert time comes after dinner, be like oh sorry only people who eat dinner get this, too bad you are not hungry.Bet you five bucks he will eat actual food.

You didn't mention if this was a long term problem, or one that started recently.

Why are they staying with your family for a couple of weeks? Is their family under some sort of stress and without a home right now? That alone could cause a child and their parents to establish unhealthy patterns with food and sweets. The parents feel stressed and guilty about something, and are worried he won't eat OR the child feels stressed and doesn't want to eat, so again, the parents are worried he won't eat. As a result they either force feed (which never works and only causes a power struggle/more problems) or they give in to allow unhealthy choices (too many sweets/fatty foods/same food over and over, no veggies, you name it). This is the parents problem to work on. They have to establish healthy eating expectations and be consistent.

If it is a short term stressor, they need to recognize the stress and start talking about it. He can only use food as a way to feel in control for so long, before this stress will trickle over into other behavioral problems.

If it's a long term problem, and they've just established bad habits by being inconsistent, you've received plenty of good advice below on how they can start working on the problem. e.g. end the force feeding/power struggle, start eating together as a family, avoid endless snacking, reward with activities/time spent together not sweets, etc.

Regardless if this is situational or a long-term problem, he's old enough to have a proper conversation about what's OK and what's no longer allowed. They need to explain that changes are necessary so he can give his body and brain everything it needs for proper development, and to keep him healthy and strong.

Good luck!