This Is Long but I Need to Say It to Someone....

K.,

This is a difficult situation for your family. It is particularly difficult because of the children that are involved, and because they adore their father who happens to be a poor role model. Your Mr. Wonderful is a very selfish individual; all that seems to matter to him is how young this woman makes him feel. I think he probably needs to loose you and the children; at least temporarily before he wakes up from his lustful games. If the pain of loosing you and the kids does not shake him up enough to stop his silly games, which he has been playing at your family's expense; you probably should let him go. As things are right now he has no reason to stop, because there are no serious consequences to his actions. I think you should focus on doing what is best for you and your children at this point, and make your decisions based on that. Ask your self if you want to be there to see your children graduate from college? Is it important to be at their weddings? He might robb you of that priviledge if you stay with him while he continues to sleep around. You said you love him, but do you love you? Is he worth dying for? You have to believe that you deserve better than he is giving to you, and you shouldn't settle until you get his best. You mentioned that you are good looking; even if you were not good looking, that should not give him the permit to cheat on you. Many women blame themselves for their partners' wrong doings. I think it is good that you have a counseling appointment on Friday, but you should do some soul searching on your own so your family will get the maximum benefit from your sessions. Please remember that you can rebuild things only if both parties are willing, and are sincerely working towards finding permanent solutions to your problems. I wish you all the best.

R. A.

Hats offf to you girl sounds like you understand the meaning of true love... Love him through this in a no bars no owe me later love and he will never be the same. Men often can compartmentalize in ways women are unable of comprehending. You are taking actions that pull them out of that compartmentalization and for that you are a genius. DO NOT take this personally, it has nothing to do with your beauty it has to do with conquering areas he thought were closed off to him. If you think he would like it I would recommend taking up some sport, activity, ect. where he has to work to win and can win, areas where work, family wears on his self-confidence can be made up other ways. Or, get involved volunteering somewhere, often everyday life, TV ect glamorizes things that if seen from a different persepective (family planning clinic) ect. are so unglamorous...

Good JOB, good luck, and all my respect!!!

Dear K.:
If I understood correctly, he lied to you about 'work' and he lied about breaking up before your vacation. What makes you think he did not lie about having sex with her, especially if he already kissed her and she wanted to? Particularly men do not have a high threshold in such a situation to take it further. Husbands are not supposed to kiss other women, and I doubt it was a harmless kiss on the cheek. Married men don't text other women 24/7 behind their respective wife's back.

If you err, would you rather draw the line at this already known improper behavior and possibly 'do him wrong' if 'nothing' happend, or wake up with AIDS one day because he lied? As you may feel in your guts, it is not so much the physical act of sex with someone else that bothers you, it's the broken trust, the feeling of being discarded and replaced, and all the lies that go with it. If there is any way you can find out whether they had sex, I would pursue that first, but you may never know. Ask yourself whether it is over (he may not use THAT phone and THAT e-mail address, but still see her) and whether he may do it again with someone else.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, he chose to 'have fun' outside your marriage, which hurts you and takes away from your time. I personally find that unacceptable. If the kisses were harmless, he would not do that behind your back. If nothing happened, he would not text her during your vacation, and he would let you see the message trail back and forth upon your request. If you compare those to the records you have and you find 'gaps' (missing messages), suspect that those were incriminating and got deleted. If he does not share the messages with you, he definitely has something to hide.

I don't know what to say, but I think you are justified making any decision you feel like, including getting him out of your life. The kicker is that once a person 'gets away' with such behavior, he will have less reluctance the next time.

I did not get the resume and the seeing her part. Is she trying to work at your hubby's place? If so and if he agrees, I am sure something will happen sooner or later. You don't store matches and gasoline in the same garage.

Good luck,
W.

Hey K.. Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through right now.

I have been on the other end of this stick. I met a man and left my husband, late night phone calls etc was all included. Point is not that I did these things but why. For someone to be attracted to a person that is not their spouse, they have to have already lost most of their feelings for their partner. Think about this!

When I met "the other man" my marriage was OVER. I had been asking my husband to leave for months and we were miserable. Sometimes it's not a big fight, there isn't a definitive moment when its "over". Many times its less tramatic than that, sometimes you just don't talk and slowly the feelings fade, and maybe even resentment starts because you AREN'T talking.

I had lots of time to think about why I did what I did and all. I basically came up with this. I was really miserable, I was dying. The person that was supposed to be the other half of my soul, my mate cared nothing about who I was anymore. I know the feeling of cardboard you spoke about. You feel empty, hollow, cookie cutter. Every true part of who you really are is so buried deep inside and wrapped up in a safe place that you almost can't find it anymore. Anyone that listened to anything I had to say, any wisp of interest in the little bit of who I was immediately got my full attention over my spouse.

Its easy to get into "Mommy and Daddy" mode and that is all that we were. We were parents, no longer spouses or lovers or friends. I couldn't think of anything to talk about, not even chatter. When you start talking about the weather cause thats all you can think to discuss something is wrong. If all you talk about is the kids, something is wrong.

I hope counseling works for you, we went and it was a joke. Maybe we just had a bad therapist. She didn't want to discuss our issues or help us truely communicate. She just wanted us to "plan our dream date" and "do something special for your partner". Our problem is that we hadn't talked, really talked in so long we no longer spoke the same language. Things he was saying were really important to him were the least concerns on my mind. Maybe if we had gone to counseling before it got to that point it would have worked.

There are a few things my friends asked me to do while I was getting ready to leave my husband that really helped me.

1) Make a "man list". Forget your husband, forget the old boyfriends. Make a list of the things that hurt the most right now, things you are missing, things you thought your spouse would be when you were starry eyed and in love. Write down a list of at least 15 things that you "require" from a man. Next order then in order of importance. (My list went from being able to understand and discuss feelings to not being a wet kisser. Nothing is too important or too silly.)

Share this list with your husband during counseling. Let him know that these are the things you need from him. Tell him why these are important to you. Ask him to make a list too and share it with you.

2) Next my friends asked me if anything I wrote on my list could be fulfilled by friends instead of my husband. This is an insteresting question and one to ask your husband about his list too.

This list was very eye opening for me, as I left my husband and moved on it became more important during dating. My number one requirements are that a man have, understand, and discuss emotions regularly and with eye contact. Grunts, I don't know, and sighs don't count. (My current boyfriend meets 15 of the 16 I wrote down and I don't think wet kisser really breaks the deal since it was last on my list! He is aware of this one fault and tries very hard! LOL)

Pondering if other people could fill the gaps for me was the key and I actually took several months to respond to my friends as I pondered the question myself. My ex was an emotional black hole. He had three words for feelings, angry, ok and sad. Thats it. I decided for me that my soul mate, my partner had to be able to share the entire gammit of emotions with me and enjoy and despair in life at my side. This was not something that my girlfriends alone could fill in my life and it was #1 on my list.

Maybe your list and his list will have some similarities, maybe it will help be a tool to get back to the basics and the foundations of your marriage. Its all up to you though, you have to be willing to forgive him, completely and allow him to rebuild your trust. It can happen but it will take much time and alot of effort on both of your parts.

Hugs,
A.

Hi K.! It was hard for me to hear how you bought him the wedding ring...he should be doing that for you! But I'm not in your situation and may have done the same thing while experiencing those types of emotions. It sounds like you are on the right track by undergoing counceling together. That feeling in your stomach will take a lot of time to go away.
You don't trust him right now so that will take time as well. If you love and adore him as much as you say then it's worth it right? As far as why do men have thier heads so far up thier butts? I don't know but I feel and have felt the same way. Even as good looking and in shape as you are, we seem replaceable by younger women..it sucks! You have to find a man that won't do that to you. Hopefully that can be your husband!

C.

it certainly sounds like the two of them have consumated the affair, as much as your husband would have you beleive otherwise. all of the texting and late night calls that have been going on for so long now sound like evidence of more than even a not-so innocent flirtation! maybe he is having a mid life crisis, maybe he was just swept away by a girl who can give him all of her attention because you have so much on your plate- but neither of these scenario's is a suffecient reason. the fact of the matter is that his cheap thrills seem like mean more to him than you or your children, and he should be made aware of this. you should tell him that if he is ever caught being this "man" again that you will not have him as a husband, this cannott be setting a very good example for your children (escpecially if you have any boys) it is better to have happy split up parents than miserable married ones in my opinion

I commend you for hanging in there when there in such a difficult situation. I wish you the best. I will be praying for you.