"They Say...."

Whoa! I am so there with you! I work in special ed and in my field there are so many "THEY"'s that I can't keeep them all straight. I feel like news and media pump things up so much they cause mass panic! So like you I choose to follow the basics (you know put 'em in car seats, don't let them eat junk food all day, keep sharp objects put away etc) and then go with the best I can all other times! I'm glad someone else is sick of it all!

I feel the same way and my little boy is only 3.5 months! The books either aren't realistic, or they contradict each other. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, it's going to be "wrong" from someones perspective.

Unfortunately some parents don't have maternal instincts and had horrible parents. A trend far too common now a days. So the way I look at it is "The more information the better" and then I can choose what to follow and what to disregard. As long as you have instincts then by all means, close the books! I have a 13 year old and an 8 month old and everything is different! So I usually follow my gut and when it comes to something big I try to do the research and actually find the original study. I am a psychologist and trust me, you can get any study to say what you want it to say. So do the research and see who is actually funding the studies. Uncover who "They" are and then decide if you want to take their advice!

Good luck to all parents!

A.,
You are so right. I had to reign myself in from reading all the books and going online because not only is there a lot of conflicting information out there, but it was making me a worrying wreck. What has worked for me is trying not to stress about every little thing or what I may be doing wrong and using my intuition about my baby. I find older mothers give great advice as well as the pediatricians. I am learning to relax and just enjoy my baby. I can't get enough of his sweet smell, gappy smile, infectious laugh, dimpled legs, and his wonderful hugs. Have fun, don't feel guilty and enjoy your little one!

hi A.,

please check out this article on why you're a great mom to your kids no matter how you mother:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparenting/raisingkids/a...

it puts my mind at ease whenever i'm in doubt!

- J.

I am so with you A.! However, although it may seem like "they're" just trying to sell books and other "stuff", the optimist in me believes they start out with good intentions.

I wish more moms were like us and took the time to LISTEN to their babies and trust their intuition, but not everyone can do that and we certainly shouldn't judge them. In all fairness, there are moms out there who don't have the support of an extended family or friends who can put things in perspective for them as they're stressing over what to do with their new babies. Let's be thankful that there is plenty of accessible information for them in their time of despair and unknowing (remember the first year!).

For those who feel there's too much information, I say you have the right attitude. Close those books, delete those emails and spend more time with the little one(s).

In good health,
~L.

Oh my I soo agree!! While I have a friend who swears by Baby Wise and both of her kids did sleep through the night fairly early I could never do it and even when I tried it didn't work for me. I finally went back to using my intuition with my first child and while things weren't perfect they were much better. My stress levels went down a lot as well, when I just followed my intuition. My kids are 6 and 4 now and I still have an issue with my daughter in my bed but that has less to do with following a book and more to do with the fact that she got caught up in the disintegration of my marriage. Now I read what "they" say and then do what I ultimately feel is right wether it agrees with what "they" say or not.

R. A.

I agree w/ you completely! I am 30 something, married, and mother to a ten year old daughter and 11 month old son. I was a single parent w/ my daughter and my Mom and her advice were all I worried about. Now w/ a new husband, his family, the books, the web and being questioned for everything I do, I have less confidence then I did when I was younger and only doing what I "felt" was right. My Mom has even mentioned this to me. I've decided for my own peace of mind that I will research something when the peditrician mentions it and not before. I also take my questions to him before doing questioning or research. I don't even bring some things up to my husband because he goes straight to his mother. I love my Mother-in-law very much and I have no problem about asking her things myself i.e. when did Joe walk, talk,those sort of things. My advice is that you are your daughters mother and even though you may feel sometimes that you're not the best mother, no matter what you are her mother. That's what counts. Love her and cherish her and know that things will be okay. God bless.

I totally agree with you A.! I think a lot of these things are great resources of information when you are truly at a loss. Otherwise I definitely go with mother's intuition and turning to close family & friends for advice first. Thats why resources like Mamasource are great because we can share with real people who've had similar experiences and we get a range of advice from which we can take what seems to work for us.

And there isn't just one right way to raise a child - like you said everyone has to do what works for their family. I think those differences in each family is what makes all of us unique individuals.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was reading all of these books about the pregnancy and found that the book made me think all of the bad things that could happen, might happen, etc. if I didn't do something as suggested. So I stopped reading it and let nature takes it course. It all worked out fine..I have a 21 month old who is amazing!

happy parenting! :)

M.

I believe in a mother's intuition. However, I do have questions sometimes, or would like another opinion, besides my own. I usually call my mom, but it is nice to have available so much knowledge on silly subjects and serious ones.

I agree that it can be overwhelming, but I find that, more often than not, after doing 'research', my opinion, or some variation, is what I go with. So in that case it is nice to have confidence in the choices I make regarding my children.

For some perspective... My children are up to date w/ their vaccinations, but limit over the counter medications. My 6 month old sleeps in the bed with us. We limit limit limit tv and computer, I stay away from canned veggies, my 4 almost 5 year old is still in a very comfortable 5 point harness. I don't buy superhero things, we talk about real heroes (Lord, firefighters, Dr.s, teachers). I breastfeed on demand, and love it. I do not give vitamin D to my breastfeeding child, we go outside. I am extreme on some issues, and nuetral on others. Some of my friends agree w/ me some of the time, some don't, and vice-versa. What are you gonna do?

This was fun to respond to. Hope it helps. The fact that you care shows you are a good mother. Sometimes I mess up and have doubts, I learn something new everyday!

~Katie

Amen!!! I agree with you on the "they say" way of raising children. I get so tired of listening to parents who refer to the "they say" method as oppose to regular parenting. I am from the old school, and the only "they say" that I listen to is what came from my grandmother & mother. We did not have all these interruptions in parenting because for one, no one had a home computer. LOL!! And no, I am not that old. I prefer the home remedy to all this technology, that only leads to more technology. And who are they anyway. If we parents did our research we would find that a lot of the ones contributing to the "they say" are not even parents. However I must admit that the reason why this method of parenting has become so popular is because a lot of parents have chosen this easy way rather than taking the time to truly raise their children on their own. I am not saying that "they" do not provide helpful advice (sometimes)but we can not allow them to raise our children. If we learn our children the way that we should, the "they say" would only be used in a minor way and not for the majority of child raising. No one knows our children better than we do. Raising children takes time. Time that some parents do not want to invest. Parents would not get so frustrated and rely on the "they say" method, if they would simply take the time to learn what their child really needs. The bottom line is providing a loving home with parents (or parent) that are willing to put their children's needs first. Thanks A. for taking the time to vent about something that I am sure a lot of us have been waiting to hear. Will the real parents please stand up!!!

I totally agree! I raised my children the best way I knew how - they are now 10 and 12 and doing just fine! My grandmother used to say "It's a wonder any of you survived at all" with all the things that that they did (and didn't) do when we we babies! I say go with your insticts, with what you know and with what works best in your situation.

AMEN!!! I dont know how many books I thought about buying that were about raising the smart child and giving your child the best chance and what to do and not to do.... I never bought the books... as I sat and browsed all I kept thinking about was this one mother I saw in a mall... whose child was dragging behind her (he decided to have a 'sit out')...and all she said was "Do you need to go to the bathroom? I think we need to go to the bathroom." I have never seen a child straighten up so quick!! Thinking back I laugh and feel sorry for the child, because I know what goes on with that "Do we need to..." line. But it worked. And Im sorry, but I have tried a number of methods with my nieces and my son and have found the most effective ones to be the ones that my mother used on me... and none of her children were scarred for life - in fact we are very succesful and productive people. I agree that all the new research and opinions that "they" tell us are truly getting in the way of things and to be honest, i think they caught on because some parents just got lazy and didnt want to try something new or didnt want to do what their parents did but didnt know what else was out there. If that makes sense. Along with the "they say" things, there are all these new items that protect everything.... now, I agree with safety, but honestly I think that sometimes a child needs a few bumps and bruises to learn from - goodness knows they dont always listen to mom! Plus it is my opinion that children should acclimate to me, not me to them.... now yes, I will put away my sharp items and breakables... BUT children can learn boundaries so that I can leave my water glass on the end table or a cute centerpiece on the coffee table. Anyways, I agree with you, 'they' can offer all the advice 'they' want, but I have found that my mother and my instinct are best... plus I know my child so I already know what will work, i dont think a book can factor that in.

A., I agree that there are too many "experts" out there about parenting. So I'll continue with my vent on the Internet instant experts.

The Internet has given all the "expert wannabes" a place to put their own wacko theories in print. And then somehow people think that if it's in print, then it must be true. You just keep doing what feels right, take the advice from people who back up their theories with solid research (published in a reputable scientific journal rather than in some cult magazine), but even then subject that scientific advice to your own personal "common sense" meter.

Most people don't understand that science does NOT set up absolute laws that can't change. It sets forth the best explanation for what it observed in a certain situation. Like the blind men and the elephant, it only shows a tiny part of the picture. Science changes its theories when new information is added, so people think that it's changing its mind, when really it's trying to get a better idea of what is happening. So don't get upset when you hear that science is changing, because that's what it is supposed to do. It's those people with ideas they dreamed up out of their heads that refuse to change their ideas, no matter what the data tells them.

I have to agree with Martha. I think if you're going to read about these issues then it should be from reputable sources based on theory. I don't think one should close themselves off completely, because I think knowledge is power, but I think the best thing we can do for our children is to love them unconditionally for who they are, and respect them as individuals. We, as Moms, must also remember to take care of ourselves- mentally, physically and spiritually. May God bless all you wonderful Moms out there. Do something special for yourself, you deserve it!!!!

A.:

You are doing the right thing. Listen to your instincts. We have so many problems with kids these days. So how successful are all these so-called professionals.

I am a grandmother and raised 3 kids who turned out wonderfully well. I see how they are trying to cope with their children and can only hope for the best. And I also have a rescue dog who is probably the best dog I have ever had.

Judy

I am a 40 year old SAHM of two beautiful children ages 5 and 3. When I was growing up my father used to always tell me to take everything with a grain of salt. In other words it isn't bad to read the advise of others just don't believe in everything they tell you. Trust me I have snapped out on a few times on my kids doctors, especially when they tell me I am doing something "not by the book". I didn't know a book popped out with the kids when they were born. Did you?

Go with your gut. Don't believe everything "THEY" say. Half of it is common sense stuff that you already know.

L. S.

DITTO, The best advice is to do what you are comfortable with. Realize as you gain more experience, your maternal instincts will change. Parenting is fluid, in need of constant adjustment, what works today won't tomorrow, what you believe is
the right today with this child will be the wrong with the next. Understand that and make adjustments as you go. Use the "they says' as a guide not Gospel, you will know in your heart what is right for you and your family.

I am a mother of 3 kids-9, 7 1/2, and almost 6 (my baby...boohoo!) The first two are girls and the last a boy. I, like you, have always been a reader and have constantly impressed the "shoulds" on myself. AND I, like you, have cast them off time and again with the same disgust and frustration with guilt. My philosophy is this--know your values and be consistent with them, you can never love your kids too much, but you have to respect them as people and not try to hold them back and suffocate them. I believe in the Bible, and particularly the verse--"Children, obey your parents and fathers, don't exasperate your children." It's always helped me. Also--try to give them the benefit of the doubt--whether they are 10 months old, or what--until they prove otherwise--then work with all your might to let them know that you believe that they want to make the right decisions underneath it all. As for being a mom of a baby--just love the babe as much as you can and savor every moment that they are not running away from you :). Good luck, GOd Bless--I could go on and on--but I have to go! --K.

I like to read everything I can on childrens issues and then use what's relevent to my family and discard the rest. I try to keep up with new information and keep my kids as safe as possible, but a little mother's intuition goes a long way! My first daughter was born in 1989 and my next babies came in 2003 and 2006, and I was amazed at how almost everything about baby care had changed in the years between them. For example, all 3 of my kids slept on their tummies, even though everyone told me my last 2 babies would die that way! There's so much conflicting info out there, but luckily we have a great, well-informed pediatrician who doesn't buy into all the "hype".

ABSOLUTLY!!
I have been SOO sick of pediatricians with medical journals shoved up their wazoo!

I am the oldest of 6 kids, my mother was an only child and my grandparents were from families of 4, 7, 12, and 9. I am a firm believer that my family is the only source of information I can rely on medically speaking for my daughter!

I think women have been having kids for YEARS...granted, our medical advancements help prevent and curb serious medical disasters, but honestly...look at the kids around you! SOO many are sickly, with constant illnesses, life-long diseases and impediments, and immune systems with the strength of an undercooked egg! Not to say all kids are...but it seems to me the more medical advice they're given and the more medical intervention they get, the worse they get as a whole.

Allergies rates are climbing at a break-neck pace. Everyone avoids feeding their children anything that could possibly cause a reaction for fear of a serious reaction...they avoid allergenic foods while pregnant to help reduce the risk...Seriously...if you introduce someone to small doses of ANYthing the body may not like and introduce it slowly over time (such as the amounts a baby in utero gets from it's mothers actual food) it WILL gain an immunity to it. Hundreds of years ago, men used to take tiny doses of common posions to increase the likelyhood of surviving a snake bite or ingesting accidentally. I know many doctors would like you to believe that keeping a child from contact with something will be he best route, but with the foods produced today you can't guarantee your child won't come into contaact with something, and fear is not a thing to let rule your life!

Medicines are the second-biggest thing to me...I am not opposed to meds when there is a serious medical need for them, but many many many parents are feeding their kids pharmasudical poisons every day of their lives for this or the other "problem" their doctor has said the kids has! How many cases have you heard of where a child is mis-diagnosed with something and they only realize it after months of failed medicine use? If you're constantly "boosting" your immune system with meds, you're in turn lowering your body's natural resistance, making you more and more likely to get sick the minute the meds get out of your system.

Anyways...this has turned into me venting as well...but its something I feel strongly about...my daughter just turned 2 and has NEVER been sick in her life. She is current through her 3 months old shots but I have refused to get any further ones until she is ready for school or otherwhise is required by laaw to have them. At her 3 months shots she got a horrible rash around the injection site 3 days after she got the shots, and when my ped told me it was probably posion ivy and that I must have given it to her (we lived in a dry climate where ivy doesn't grow!) I decided I would have no more of that.

I think a mothers instinct is her most valuable tool in raising her child. After that, her family and other moms should be her second point of contact. THEN medical advice. Some things your family and friends haven't dealt with before, and you should certainly ask your doc...but remember...for YOU to be here on this earth, someone had to raise a child!
And you're ok, right? /wink

I feel the same way as you. I had my first child, "THEY" said but her on her back to sleep, my second child, put her on her stomach, and my third child, you guessed it put her on her back...so I know how you feel about the what's right now and what will be right later...there is 11 years between my first child and my third child so that shows you how fast "THEY" change their minds about how to do things. I think it's better to go with your gut!

I totally agree. It is hard to stop reading and research, though, huh. The best advice I got after I had my son (2 1/2) was that you can read all kinds of books and talk to the pediatrician, but at the end of the day, you are his mother and you will know what is best. My friend told me that when my son was just days old and I was having trouble with nursing, etc. I have passed it on to friends when they have had babies because I think it is so important to remember.

I Do!! It seems nowadays anyone can write a book and call themselves an expert. I love the ones about being the super Mom or working Mom, especially coming from celebrities who have nannies, cleaners, cooks etc. For example, a woman who looks great after 8 children, but forgot to mention she is a personal trainer and in the gym for hours a day.

Give me real people!!!

Hi there,

well yes, you will find plenty of advices everywhere. But don't shut the doors too tight. My "baby" will be 10 years soon, but at times reading that I am not the only one facing that problem and reading that there are methods you can try, has really helped. Yes we do have our motherly instincts but at times of frustration you tend not to see the obvious :)

I wish you all the best.

Cuci

I agree. We are constantly being bombarded with ideas from the mysterious "They". I firmly believe that when they are referring the "They", it is 6 guys in a cave in Switzerland. They have to be in a cave, because usually they are clueless about real life! LOL

Here Here!!! You are catching on. You have the best advice already inside you from your parents & grandparents. Always trust your instincts and you will never go wrong. My daughter is 23. I bought one book called Potty Training in a Day. Other than that...I took all my cues from the inside. She is happy,healthy and best of all, we truly love each other. Unconditional love is the best advice any one can ever give. How do "they" know who your little child is and what's best? I'm with you, that there is no one that knows her any better than her Mom.
The Best!
L.

I too have felt this way often. It's healthy to have this realization it will keep you grounded. Baby's need love, nutrition, and parents with lots of intuition and some common sense. What the heck, we're mostly all ok...right?!

Just adding my 2 cents here. While I was pregnant a study came out that drinking coffe in modaration was ok. 2 cups a day will not harm the baby or put the woman at risk for premature labor. So I was enjoing my morning cup of joe and had a second cup in the afternoon lol. 8 weeks later another study came out that said any kind of caffein is very very very very harmful and a pregnant woman should not comsume any coffees or black teas or chocolate. Well, hell, there went my morning cup of joe, cut it out completely. Then , 2 weeks before I delivered, a nice doc came on TV and said, pregnant women can have coffee and chocolate, just not overdue it. 2 cups are fine and by all means have a Hershey's bar if you crave one. By that time I did not know what was true or not , even my doc was confused by all the info. I delivered a healty baby almost on the due date.
Everyday there is another study or poll or article mentioned on TV and frankly, I started to tune them out. The last one was about baby's sleeping and being overweight. Stupid me thought that being overweight has to do with a crappy diet and lack of physical activety....but what do I know lol.

You have wisdom Mom. Every child is unique and evry family is special. Seek knowledge, pray, and then trust your inner voice and do what you think is best. Kids turn out OK despite our mistakes. No parent is perfect. Love is always the right thing to do. AF

Always take the information and "research" you get online or anywhere with a grain of salt. I agree that there are so many contradictory studies about what is right and wrong. If I am curious about something such as what to feed and when to feed, setting schedules, naptime, bedtime etc. I do a little research but, always end up doing what I feel is right. Don't ever let those articles and studies make you feel guilty about something you are doing or not doing. Really only you know what is right for your child. Like you said what we are doing now to raise our kids will be wrong in a few years and what our parents did is wrong now. It will always be that way. At my 7mo. old baby girl's 4mo. well baby appointment I asked her pediatrician when to start feeding her solids. He gave me the best answer I had ever heard "you would know that better than I would". It was great FINALLY somebody who doesn't pretend to know my child better than me! Hope this helps ease your frustration.

I agree with you. I never read up on what "they say" to do. I just did what I thought is right. My son is 17 yrs old and a good kid. He isn't into drugs, don't have any babies & doing ok in school. So I feel I did a good job with him & I didn't read all those books.

Dear A.,

I think about what my mom would have done and do the opposite. She was very rigid in her ways and I've learned to be more flexible and think outside of the box to get the results that I want.

When my daughter was first born, I had no help and lots of conflicting information. My husband was using a military training technique on me of "Do it until you love it" so he really stepped out of the picture for the first six months of our daughter's life, and I was abandoned by everyone that I thought were friends. Nobody can think straight when you're as sleep deprived as I was (three hours of sleep at the most!)It's a wonder we both survived, but we did, and we are the stronger for it.

When I started thinking for myself, things got a lot easier. My daughter is a very sweet, empathetic and thoughtful little girl.

We turn to the "experts" because we don't have the closeness of mothers and neighbors as we had in the past.

It's a wonder that humans survived as long as they did without "experts". Wait, I can see a cartoon coming from that.

A.

Hi A., I hear where you are coming from. Alot of those dumb studies are thought up by MEN!! Hello!!! You just do what your instincts tell you, you are NOT ruining your child. I sure you have family and friends that can give you the best advice out there without number statistics. My two daughters are doing just fine. I don't read books or even look at the numbers. Enjoy your kids, don't stress!

I'm a SAHM my youngest is 5 and my oldest is 8. My husband is in the Air Force still after 19 yrs. I'm a vet myself. Have a great day!!

S.

Hi A.,

You are so right about what you believe. You don't have to feel guilty about anything. You are doing your very best. We don't have to worry about "They say...." until we are looking for answers to our particular issues, which are our own particular issue.

Let me add this, if you are feeling guilty about something that is being said, then, you need to look into your self and find out why you are feeling guilty or whatever way you are feeling.

Just thought I would respond. Take care and good luck. D.

I hear ya, sister. Here's what I do. Sure, I look at the books and do a little research online.

Then, my actions are pretty much the same as when I look at recipes for dinner. Meaning: I find a good recipe that "they" say makes a great meal. I take stock of what materials I have on hand. I measure whether the recipe is a good fit for my family (would they actually enjoy all the ingredient). I think "how I can adjust the recipe to suit my own family's tastes and needs."
Then I throw all the stuff into the pot and in the end only use the recipe as a base guideline. The meal that I create is usually delicious because it is made my own way. If it calls for green beans, then I use asparagus because my husband hates green beans. I go light on the black pepper because my daughter is sensitive to that certain flavor.

That's how I have been taking care of my baby (only 7 months old right now). I look at what the best available research has to say. Then I think to myself "is that solution the best fit for my baby boy?" If not, then I adjust until we find the perfect solution for us both as mom and baby! That's all we can do. Our intuition as mothers and knowledge of ourselves and our families is what gets our kids through the day. As long as we're in tune with what we know to be the right thing to do, then the next generation will turn out just fine, despite the what everyone else thinks you should do, thank you very much!