The "H" Word

i don't have an answer for you but when you get some replies could you pass them on. My 8 y/o grandson and 7 y/o granddaughter are doing it. We thought they were hearing it in school because we don't use the word home. My daughter has 5 children and is expecting number 6.

My email is ____@____.com.

Thanks,
Rose

hi S., my son tried that word out too, around the same age. i think they all do. at first i was so shocked and upset i reacted harshly, i couldnt help it. after another 1 or 2 times, i realized he couldnt truly understand what the word means. so i sat down with him and gently asked him if he knew what it means, he didnt really. i told him it means that he doesnt love me. well, he looked like i punched him, and he started to cry, he was so upset. he said its not true, he does love me. i said i know, i love him too, always will, and then we talked about how you can be upset with someone even if you love them and other words we can use or other things we can do. he never said it again, not to me, anyway. its not all hallmark though, i heard him say it under his breath about his sister a few times after that, i always corrected him, and always reiterate that we dont use that word, we might be angry but we dont hate. he doesnt say it anymore, hasnt for a long time. and i am more careful about using the word myself. he corrects me! "mama, we dont say hate!"

Dear S.,

My son did the same thing when he was angry. I think if you ignore him and not respond as quick as it started is as quick as it will stop. I think this is his way of getting a response when he is upset. Did you ever hear the expression misery loves company. He is trying to engage you in conversation and by you responding your sending a message that this is how he can get you to respond to him. Just ignore the behavoir and go about your business. If he does it in public without using any words just grab him by the hand and leave with him. This will send the message that if he behaves this way there will be consequences. Good luck!!!

My son did that for a while, and I just said, "I am sorry you feel that way, I still love you." If it got too bad, I would tell him that I was going to do something for him (like read him a story or sing him songs before bed), but I didn't want to do it for someone who hated me. When he argued, I would explain that it was okay to be mad, but that he could do/say other things that didn't make everyone feel so bad.
I hope this helps
C. Thomson

We have a rule in our house that noone is allowed to say the H word. Not even to say "I hate when that happens" or anything of the sort. I just started out when my oldest ones were little telling them it was an awful word, and would really hurt someone's feelings. It took a lot of reminding, but they didn't use it. Now that they are older I have to remind them again so that their little brothers don't use it. Maybe alittle fake crying when he says it would help. You son is more then old enough to understand if you tell him it's not acceptable. Tell him it's ok to be mad at you or Daddy if he doesn't like your decisions, but that it's not ok to "hate" you. It's always been just like a curse word in our house, and punishable the same way...a drop of dish soap on the tongue!

Hi S.
Hope you have a calm peaceful day.
As for hate, nobody likes it but we must remember that our children do not have their full vocabulary. At 3 1/2 some kids are just beginning to talk. Usually the child say "I hate you" means they are really mad at you right now, or as my grown son would say no mom its not mad it is angry. We all have vocabulary issues. Anyway, my way to deal with that is don't look like it upsets you, and say "oh my you must be really"mad" at me right now," It is nicer to say that you are mad at mommy. Then be careful how and if you use the word hate.
React the same way if he says anything else that is sincerely the wrong vocabulary word. Tell them the right one. It serves them well their whole life.
However if "hate" comes with hitting you, spitting at you, or other violent acts then violent actions need to be dealt with because that is not a vocabulary problem.
Since I am probably old enough to be your mom, I urge moms to talk to their mom, so I guess I want to say that to you as well, she may have some great stories to share as well.
God bless you and all you do
God bless your family with His wisdom
K. SAHM married 38 years with 4 children and 7 foster kids have also gone through our home. My own are 37,32, and our twin girls are 18 and going to college this year after 9 years of homeschooling.

S. - I am surprised that a 3 year old even understands the H word so I would tell him that this a a word that we do not say. Period. He needs a time out whenever he says it. I've always taught my boys that we need to love and support each other and nothing else is acceptable.

Good luck and hope all goes well!

Dear S.,

I don't usually take this approach with parenting, but it sounds like your son may have discovered a big, powerful word that gets a big, dramatic reaction. This might be a time when it's good to sort of under-react. I DO think you need to say something like "We don't use that word in our family. That word really hurts people's feelings," but if you give him a huge reaction (fake-cry, etc.) the power of the H-word might be irresistible. In other words, tell him his behavior is inappropriate, but be BORING about it.

You can also look at this as an age-appropriate testing of limits. Your son doesn't really hate you -- three and 1/2 year olds don't understand what hate really is. He just wants to know what the rules really are, and to make sure your love for him is limitless. Try reading him the book "Mama, Do You Love Me." It's a beautiful, beautifully illustrated book a about a little girl who says "Would you love me if I ran away," "Would you love me if I turned into a polar bear," etc. The mother keeps affirming her love.

Hope that helps,

Mira

I would say very dramatically, "that really hurts my feelings when you say that...that makes me sad." this way he can start to understand the impact of his words! good luck!

Hi S.,
My son did the same thing when he was little...(he is 16 now), my response was always the same...."that's okay, you can hate me, because I still love you...no matter what!" He eventually stopped saying it. The only advice I can give is do not take it too seriously, he does not really know what he is saying anyway. Just let him go and reassure him that it is ok to feel however he wants but you love him regardless.
Hope this helps....keep smiling!
L.

That is one of the toughest things to handle. They really know how to push buttons, even at such a young age. My sister gave me some advice and her kids are grown now and very well adjusted and have a good relationship with their parents, so I tend to do what she says. The response is "I am sorry to hear that, but that doesn't change the situation" If all of you are on board, it may send the message home. Unfortunately, it may take a while. Try not to lose your cool til then! Good luck!

Hi S.!

I told my daughter that hate was a bad word because it hurts people's feelings. If someone else says it or I am telling someone that I HATE that word "hate" then my daughter now tells me that is a bad word. To me, that word is similar to a curse word so I treat it the same. I feel the same as you - it is a nasty, ugly word.

Good luck!
S.

Hi S.,
I would let him know that hate isn't simply a term meaning, "I am angry at you." Let him know that he IS allowed to say "That makes me mad!" but if you do not want him saying "I hate you," let him know that's simply not acceptable, it is against the rules in your home and be sure that he knows that if he says it again, he will be punished for it just as there would be consequences for breaking any other rule.
Good luck!

Seems to me like some people have misinterpreted your post. Saying OMG or the word "hate" in general is deserving of a correction or maybe just advice on better words to use to describe his feelings. They're too young to understand teh true meaning of these words - it's our job as parents to explain it to them. However, saying "I hate you" is different. In my book this does warrant a big reaction. Some chill time (time out) and then a discussion about why that is unacceptable would be my course of action. Is his sister younger? Maybe there's some jealousy coming into play and he's saying it for the attention? Sometimes they think even "bad" attention is better than none at all. A "but I love you" response seems like a reward to me. Look to see if it's coming out when he's feeling neglected and try to explain to him that there are better ways to get Mommy's attention. Try lavishing on some praise when he says loving, positive things. If he learns that saying "I love you" will get you to stop what you're doing and give him a big hug and kiss then he'll be more likely to say that instead of the "h" word that will get him a time out (time away from you). We tend to overlook the good stuff because we expect them to act good and be nice but then go overboard on the attention when we're punishing them for the bad stuff.

Good luck! I've just got my daughter but I've heard many friends with boys say that the two's were a dream compared to the threes and fours! : )

Hate is a strong word. I agree with the other Moms on this to tell him that this is not a nice word to use towards people you love. My 4 yr old has recently started to pick up on the shut up and go away statements made by others. What I tell her is that it is not nice to say because it hurts people's feelings. She is also told to go to the person that she said it to and apologize for saying bad words to them. It is starting to sink in as we are not hearing those things from her now that she has to do that. Good luck! Every stage it's always something new isn't it!
S.

Hi, whenever my daughter says "I hate..." I always tell her she doesn't hate anything. Same thing when she says shut up or oh my god. I always correct it. I can't remeber if she's told me she hates me yet. I'm sure she will, she almost six and boy we've had some arguements already. I would just keep correcting him everytime he says something you don't like. Good luck.