How Do I Get My 4Yo to Stop Saying Unacceptable Words?

Sounds like he is just wanting the attention you give when he says them. Ignore it...he will stop once he realizes it doesn't affect you.

Things like black pepper, hotsauce, and horseraddish can cause serious health problems for a child. That is never recommended.

I don't like the idea of soap either.

When my girls say something naughty we tell them it is disrespectful and they stand in time out. No, time out does not work for some children, that's why we do it the Korean way- they stand in the corner with their hands on their heads! It works wonderfully as it is so tiring and they just can't wait to get out.

S., mom to 5

We used to tell my daughter that inappropriate words were "potty words" and if she used them in front of me I would suggest that she go in the bathroom and look in the mirror and say them all she wanted - but that she was never to use them outside of the potty. It worked for us! Good luck.

Last month I was doing childcare for a 4 year old boy, very nice & smart little boy, we were all playing a game to help them learn to count when he called the game stupid. At that moment I looked at him and asked him what he had said when he repeated it, I told him in a firm voice he was not allowed to say that word at my home, he said it was not a 'bad' word, and I said well it's not a nice word either and a nice boy like you should not be saying it. He later told me he heard it in the Barnyard cartoon movie, he had seen the movie at home heard the word and decided to try it out. I explain to him that just because we hear something doesn't mean we are to repeat it, and that those words are not for children to use and can hurt someones feelings.
He said he was sorry and I have not heard the word again from him or any of the children, all I did was talk in a firm and serious manner and explained what the rules of my home were and that I expect them to follow the rules. Children are very smart and can understand and should be taught manners, and of course set the example I don't use words that I don't want them repeating. My advice is kind of obvious, but I don't see why things have to be so complicated- the parents set the rules and the children follow them, if they break the rules there should be consequences, you as the parent decide what they are.

I say this to my kids "Those are really strong words, so you must be having really strong feelings about (whatever is going on). Can you think of a way to talk about it that's not going to hurt feelings or sound rude?"
Let him know his feelings are always valid, but know his behavior and language needs to be carefully and thoughtfully managed (sooner or later by himself is the goal with our kids!) and this is helped along greatly when you and your husband can model this for him! Get creative with language and think up other things to say rather than "stupid" (silly, crazy, ridiculous, corn-flakey...)

I am really not for punitive measures like washing out a kid's mouth with soap. A sitter did that to me one time and all I took from the experience was an intense dislike of her in particular and a distrust of sitters in general. Your son is old enough to understand that certain behaviors are not acceptable. He is also too old for it to be simply a phase. At this age, if he is not corrected, he will view it as acceptable behavior. I would suggest that the first time he uses a word you don't like, you calmly tell him that we don't use that word because it is hurtful to others. If he does it again (which he will to get a rise out of you), you calmly tell him that he will get a time out or lose the privilege of playing with a favorite toy for a bit. Then make sure you calmly follow through! You and your husband will need to be on the same page or the correction will be undermined.

My children were always told that "mean" words were just as bad as curse words (or worse). It is so important that you emphasize that being kind to others also means speaking kindly to them. Try to help him understand how he would feel if someone said those words to him. It is never to early to help a child learn empathy (if more children learned it, peace on earth WOULD be possible).

I don't like stupid or shut up either and won't tolerate it with my kids in a classroom. With my son (when we had this problem)I threatened soap, but our problem is we use liquid soap in the bathroom for hand washing. So, it would require getting the soap from the bath.

Knowing that he doesn't care for spicy things, I decided to use mouth wash. That is what my grandma did for me and my cousins. I only had to use it a couple of times. I would only pour a tiny bit and tell him not to swallow, but made him swish it around to wash the bad words out. Then he had to spit it out.

We also used this method for talking back.

My thought is that 4 years old is old enough to understand when mom and dad say that a word is not polite to call someone . . . explain it clearly and then add that if he continues to call people that, there will be a punishment (time out, lost privelige, etc) just make sure that you are careful not to use the same words or you will send the wrong signal.

Also, stop him and correct him everytime he says it.

You and your husbnd will have to agree in order for it to make sense to him, but unless your son is VERY stubborn (which it doesn't sound like) then he will get the point after just one or two lost privileges . . .

Good luck

We use time-out & apologies for everything (my son is also 4)... He has time-out when he says words we don't want him to use or when he gets a disrespectful tone. His current favorite phrase is "what the-!" No cursing, but he needs to understand that there is another bad word that is implied. He immediately has time-out, then has to apologize for being disrespectful. This is the same discipline strategy they use at his school. We all (teachers, parents, grandparents, etc) have explained to him that these are not nice words; that they are very disrepectful. He knows when he says them that he's not supposed to.

You need to teach him right from wrong. We have always told our son that if he wants others to be his friend, then he needs to treat them with respect. Not using these words/phrases is part of that. I have to constantly remind my hubby on things like this that we are setting the foundation for the rest of his life, even from such a young age. It's better to start early rather than having your 7yo mouthing off to you like a teenager, which I have seen way too many times with friends & family who didn't teach their kids otherwise!

I went through this with my son. I would explain to him these words make people feel bad. Then I would ask him if he wanted to make so and so feel bad, most of the time he didn't. He just wanted attention. BTW washing a kids mouth out with soap can poison them.

When my children were small, I took the minimalist approach and it worked for my children. When they would say a hurtful word, the very next thing I'd say (and it has to be the very next thing you say EVERY TIME!!) is "Oh, let's not be ugly! That's a hurting word." And that would be it, unless the child asks why it's a hurting word, or unless you are given another teachable moment. Always take time to teach about people's feelings and how much better it is to be kind. My two younger children are preteens now, and I still have to say it once in a while, but my oldest is in college; and the three of them are some of the kindest children I know. (They're not angels though!)

When my son was that age and started to pick up inappropriate words, I told him is a really sad voice, "it makes my heart sad when you say that word." That always worked for me. He's 10 now, and I still say the same thing when he acts up, and it still works because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. I don't know if it will work for you, but it's something to try before resorting to soap or hot sauce.

Hi E.,

First of all, I'm happy for you for the blessing of your family.

Secondly, these words are harsh, but he is learning them from somewhere. IF it is rude for him to say then it is rude for an adult to say, too. So do not say things around him that you do not want him to say. Teaching our children to "Do as I say and not as I do" never works. And they catch on at some point that we are hypocrites.

Secondly, patiently explaining things over and over, breaking the habit, is a fine way to go. Make it unacceptable. Stop the conversation when it happens. Look him in the eye and explain that he does not use words like that. They are hurtful words. It sounds like he has a gentle soul. He won't want to be hurtful. But if you have patience, you explain things to him, then he will learn patience and gentle ways to resolve conflicts, too. If you hurt him when he disobeys you (hot sause or washing out his mouth) then you will one day wonder why he hurts people when he doesn't get his way.

Good luck.

He doesn't need punishment, he just needs reminders. I remember a statistic from my parenting classes--people generally need to be reminded of something 75 times before they really internalize it and it becomes a habit for them. 75 times! So, yes, it is frustrating and easy to lose your patience, but just keep reminding him. Also, my two older daughters did a sweet thing with my 4-year-old...she got into the habit of saying 'What the heck?' all the times, and the older 2 (12 and 9) thought it didn't sound nice, so they kept telling her not to say it. When she still persisted, they finally told her to use a different word other than 'heck.' When she asked what word she should use, they said 'how about Boom'? So now she goes around saying 'What the boom?' all the time. It's pretty funny and sounds less offensive than 'heck' coming from a 4-year-old. Just remind him and guide him to use different words and he will come around eventually.

I may have been very lucky but what worked for me was to sit mine down and just very bluntly and very strictly tell him that here are the rules ... 1. We DO NOT use the words shutup or stupid. They are completely unacceptable. 2. We DO NOT tell anyone that we HATE them and 3. We DO NOT hit our siblings. Believe it or not I had very little problems with them following any of these rules. When they used the "banned" words I would immediately give them "the look" and say Excuse Me? And more times than not they'd backtrack and got to the point that it's never said in my household. Mine are 20 & 16 now and I never hear them say those banned words. Also, make sure you & your hubby abide by the same rules.
Patience & consistency are the key.

First of all, while the soap in the mouth is VERY tempting (believe me I have been tempted a time or two myself) you have to be EXTREMELY careful with that punishment nowadays. With all the antibacterial ingredients and higher levels of ethlyne alcohol, soap is MUCH more poisonous if ingested than it was when we were children.

What I have done with my children regarding words of that nature is I have made it clear to them from a very young age (2) that those are not acceptable in our family and use of them will result in punishment, including no tv time, timeouts, early bedtimes, etc.

It has been fairly successful. I don't make a huge deal when the word is used. I simply ask them if that word is acceptable and when they say no somewhat sheepishly they are then given their punishment. My kids do not use those words very often and when they do, it is usually to tell on someone else who has used it.

Good Luck.... ;-)

What did your parents do for you. Mine got to my level and made a awful mad face then told me that word was ugly and we dont say it. if he is at home then give him time outs if your in public make him hold the cart for his time out. ( not riding on the end thats fun!) I dissagree with your husband its up to you to teach him right from wrong. God bless.

Though my son did not say bad words, he did pick up 'ain't' very quickly at day care when he was 4. I spoke to the director about this, she assured me that all her employees spoke properly, though I did hear them say it as well as many of the children. It took me over 3 months to get it out of his vocabulary, with me restating his sentences correctly, as well as explaining that there were better words to use. I also 'showed' him in the books we read aloud, ain't was not a word that we read. He finally stopped using it.
I also teach 5 year olds, and work constantly with them about speaking correctly. I tell them that though ain't is a word, it is not a word that I use. They ask if it is a bad word, and I tell them no, it just is a word that I do not use. Some really do try not to say it, though it is hard not to since it is spoken regularly at home.
To make a long story short, you might try restating what has been spoken, and talk about other words that can be used.
Good luck.

Your husband does have a point. If you make a big deal about it, he will continue the behavior because he is receiving a lot of attention for it. So instead get down on his level eye to eye and tell him that language/word etc is not appropriate and if he says it again he will get time out or whatever punishment you decide. Don't dwell on it or make a big deal. This behavior is testing you, if you nip this in the bud it won't lead to worse behavior. Regardless of whether the word is not a big deal if you say to stop saying it, he should stop saying it. So it's not really about the language, but about him minding you in general.

We have used black pepper on my son's tongue when time outs did not work. My son also like to use inappropriate words like stupid and another favorite is fart. Of course boys will be boys and as they get older they learn when it is appropriate to use certain words and when it isn't but when they are little since they can't discern that it's better to not use it at all.

I'm sure you will find what works for you, just stand your ground and be consistent!

He might be saying the workds to get a rise out of you or he might just be saying them because they are new words. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but just calmy explain that he shouldn't use those words and why. If he continues to use them then come up with a priviledge loss. One that worked for my kids was I told them when bad things come out of their mouth then good things don't get to go in. They wouldn't get candy, or fruit snacks, or treats for the day they said the word. Or, I would tell them that hearing those words leaves a bad taste and would put the tiniest pinch of black pepper on their tongue so they had a "bad taste". I only had to do the pepper once and "poo poo head" was eliminated.

I have to say I understand completely what you are going through. We tried everything from time outs, to taking things away, spanking, even soap in the mouth! The only thing that worked for us was the drop of hot sauce. It only took one time and he stopped using the bad words. I know it seems cruel, but it is a food, and a drop (though not pleasant) is not going to hurt him. Like one of the other moms said, the bottle was reminder enough. Hope you find your solution.

I did the hot sauce when my son was little. only problem was he grew to like it! He didn't admit it to me right away, but later he did. It won't hurt him, where as soap can give him diarea. Just knoe that he will aquire a taste for ht suace, and you will just have to watch for the signs, as he may not tell you.

This is very normal, but you are right it is unacceptable. This is a great way to get your attention, so do not make a big deal out of it.

We told our daughter, "we do not use those words". "Those are not nice words". We also would tell her "I am dissapointed when you use those words". "It hurts my feelings when you use that word".

We would also tell her, "instead of shut up, you may say, Please be quiet". Or "Nobody is stupid".

In school, they will really get in trouble for using those words, so you really do want them to stop now.

Apple cider vinegar. 1 tablespoon and they have to hold it in their mouth for 30 seconds the first time. It goes up if it happens again that day. it starts over day to day. Vinegar is natural and actually good for your digestive tract. It is antibacterial as well and cleans the mouth well. Good luck and kuddos to you for teaching your child manners.

I noticed the more I made a big deal about the words the more my daughter was inclined to use them. As for the soap, I know my mom used to do it to me, but you just never know what kind of chemicals they put in that stuff these days. Kids know how to do exactly what it takes to drive us up the walls. The bigger deal you make about it the more you are showing him it works. I would just calmly offer alternatives. If he says something is stupid, you might say,"That's not nice, why don't we pick other words. Tell me in nice words what bothers you."
We also had a talk to my daughter about put downs and put ups. In stead of putting our friends down, we should find words that make them feel good. And give him lots of positive attention when he says nice words.
You can also help him vocalize when he gets angry. You can say,"Wow, you sound like you are very angry! Tell me whats wrong."
At this young age children have a hard time expressing themselves and it takes calm grown ups to teach them what is acceptable.
Good Luck!
K.

When my son ( around the same age) did it, we used hot sauce.
I put a very small amount on my fingertip( like the size of a head of a straight pin,VERY SMALL) and put it on his tongue.
It didn't take long for him to stop.
After we did it the first time, we would tell him, if you say it again do you want me to get the "basco"?
Good luck with this!

I have resorted to the washing the mouth out with my youngest. Not just for bad words, but a sassy or disrespectful attitude. I don't make her hold a bar of soap in her mouth like in the movies, but just a small drop of liquid soap on a wet wash cloth really gets her attention. Usually once is enough, then on the next 'slip up' a warning of the consequences does the trick, then she will ask, "Is this ok to say?" Good luck.

Your husband and you need to be on the same page. So, find an agreement. If it is wrong, then punishing him isn't cruel. Soap or hot sauce isn't cruel, but enlightening. Starving him would be cruel. The only way he will learn that you think it's inappropriate is for you to teach him that and insist on it with discipline. He may still say the words around his dad and when he knows he can get away with it. But, he will know without a doubt that his mother is teaching him that it is inappropriate. What's more important to you - being "kind" to your child all of the time and ignoring values, or teaching your kid values and character. I personally believe that ignoring bad behavior is cruel and not kind. True love will take desperate measures to make sure your child learns proper behavior that will only prosper him.

My oldest son had this problem when he was just a little older than yours..around 6...but it was persisting into a full blown habit, and my husband finally gave him the ultimatum, "If it continues you lick soap." Just the thought of this cut down the problem. But the little guy was curious, so when I caught him saying the inappropriate words again I asked, "do you want to lick soap?" (in my best warning tone) I could tell he'd like to see what that would be like so he took one lick, tried to act tough and ran to the bathroom to wash his mouth, with a big, "YUCK" He does not say bad words to this day, and if he gets tempted remembers the soap and chooses alternatives. He's 9 now.
1) We did not pin him down
2) I was ok with one lick of soap. The taste is what reminds him and he did not swallow.
Hot sauce is something that eventually the child might enjoy so may not deter.

I never wanted to use hotsauce either, I found it an inappropriate form of torture for a small child so I mixed up a small spray bottle with 50% vinager and 50% water and when there mouth is "dirty", be it biting, pottytalk, or whatever they get a little squirt of "soap" to clean there mouth. It doesn't hurt at all, but doesn't taste great either and since it "cleans" their mouth it seemed appropriate for the offense. Hope this helps you find something you can live with that works, it works for mine!

I'm in a bit of a same predicament and would also appreciate advice. I know that 4 to 6 year olds do know right from wrong, and they know what get them attention and what does not get attention. The big problem is when your child goes to school and has hear a neighbor child say something off the radar and then repeats it to another kid to see what the effect will be. Now we are in a whole other ball game. Parents find out, teachers and principles want conferences, etc. etc.

Today after school I DID was my son's mouth out with soap for something he admitted he said. I think I did it once before, but so long ago I can't remember. Then we had to talk to the teacher and get to the bottom. Then we marched over to the principle who read him the riot act. Of great importance is finding out where he is hearing these things from (the school knows it is not us). I went to where I thought the source was, a neighbor. She talked with her kids about it, but they said that the boy on the other side was the one and he says this stuff all the time. Our children are exposed to yucky stuff all the time. They have to figure out that it is not ok to blurt it out, and that people with judge them for the trash that comes out of their mouth. I feel like the worst mom in the world having this happen. I now get to go talk to the mother of the child mine said this to.

So, I'm with you. Washing mouthes out with soap is a great symbolic gesture for how you feel about that language (unless you are using it of course, then it is hypocritical). Good luck. And I'll watch this post for other insights! M.

My mom was a big fan of a few drops of white vinegar on the tongue for all sorts of oral transgressions.

I do agree that not making too big of a deal will help it pass on its own. Of course, correct and discipline (vinegar...seriously worst punishment I ever had) and provide a substitute term. He is using them because 1) he is getting a rise out of someone 2) needs a way to express his frustration.

Once when my older children were 5 and almost 2, they said something that so offended their babysitter, whom I greatly respect, that she would not repeat it to me! I put a drop of hot sauce on each of their tongues...just the tip...and poured myself a big glass of Coke, put them in the car, and ran a few errands. "Mama, my mouth burns!" "What you said burned my ears, so this will help you think before you say rude things." For years, I carried that tiny bottle of tabasco, and never had to use it...taking out of my purse was reminder enough.

I was having the same problem with my son. He was picking up those words and alot worst. I sat him down and made a game out of it. I told him that those words were bad words and not nice to use so here is the deal. Everytime he said a bad word I would get one of his toys. Any one I wanted and I would start with his favorite toy (His Bike). When I got it, It would be gone forever and he would never get it back. However, if mommy said a bad word, he would get $1 to go to the dollar store. He never said a bad word after that. He did get to go to the dollar store a few times, which he really liked.

He did come to me on two occasions and asked me if he could say these words because he had heard them at school and didn't know if they were bad or not. He made sure to tell me several times that this didn't count. I did let him and yes they were horrible words.

I havn't had any problems since. Hope this helps

E.,
First of all, my first husband would not let me take care of business when it came to disciplin either - no soap, no spankings etc...and now I wish I would have changed his thinking. Every time we don't disciplin our kids appropriately, it adds a rock to the mountain they must climb later. Soap or hot sauce are not nice, but they are appropriate actions to take when the bad things are coming out of his mouth. He will get the immediate message that his mouth is what's doing something wrong and he will think the next time he goes to say these words.
Okay, enough of that! (Only my opinion based on experience.) If you guys are both the caretakers of your 4 year old - very young - child, where is he learning these words from? I mean, he's learning this behavior either by someone treating him this way, or by watching someone treat someone else this way. Where ever this is happening, I would cut it off at the source so he isn't exposed to this behavior.
Just a thought.
Good luck,
D.

Obviously, if you're both good, kind parents then he must've heard it somewhere else. You should try asking him where he heard those words. Then you'll know the source. Once knowing this, ask him does he know what those words mean? If he says 'yes' then ask him why he thinks you're (or someone else) is stupid or why he wants you (other person/kid) to shut up? Explain to him that he's getting to be a big boy & big boys don't talk like that, only children talk like that. Ask him if he's a big boy or a child. If he says that he's a big boy, then ask him do big boys talk like that, if he responds with the 'right' answer of "yes" then just remind him that "okay then, you're a big boy so remember big boys talk nice to other people." If he says 'no' then explain to him in a way that will make him understand but also in a way that will make him quit doing it such as suggested above. I know a couple who are somewhat abusive to her kids & the kids are TOTAL brats. She tried the 'soap' method which did nothing but make the kid more mad & he did it even more I think. It may work or may not. I'd first try to find out where he heard those words & if it's someone you know or he plays with, then approach the parents about that & try to resolve that issue. If not resolved then you may hafta keep your son away from the offending kid(s). If your son still keeps on, try time outs...even in the store. Find a bench or a place to sit him down & give him time out while explaining to him why he's in time out. Spanking or swatting on the behind may work but most of the time, it doesn't. That just makes a kid more mad & more loud usually, at least from what I've seen & experienced. Good luck!

Well, I am 70 years old, raised 4 children and 4 stepchildren. When bad words were said, out came the soap and after a couple times of washing their mouths out, those words were removed from their vocabulary. Now they are and have raised their children with the use of washing their mouths with soap and I never hear them saying an inappropiate word. The soap did not make them sick, but the taste made them think twice before they spoke.