Swearing at 3!! - Natrona Heights,PA

Hello, J.
I thing nothing like Salt,peper or soap works. I have my own
day care and the way I'm doing it is talk to them and belive o not that is the best way. Eve with my two kids.. I had little one 4 years old.Hi was very very swearing but I take a way from him,recces, play time, dress up time, snak time,computer time and that was enough. No more bad work. Try that and talk to the teachers. They can do the same. good look.
My best
A.

I don't think soap or hot sauce is a good idea. I agree with the post that said he learned this from an adult. I think you should explain that the use of such words are inappropriate, do the best you can to reinforce positive behavior and then maybe try timeouts or taking away certain toys or something he likes. I can't understand why anyone thinks its okay to enforce such strong punishments on children, they don't know any better and its our responsibility as adults to teach them, not hurt them -- and while soap or hot sauce may not do any real damage -- both still hurt -- why is that okay? What are we teaching them about life by doing that?

I don't think you need soap or hot sauce at this age. I think it's best to act shocked and let him know it's bad. Put him in time out in a corner or his room for three minutes. If he does it again, take something away that he's playing with at that moment and make him sit. I don't believe in being really mean or hurting him. He's only three. Give him other options--make up a funny phrase to say instead of the cuss word. It's even better if you use the phrase. We use sugar and spice or oh rats! LOL.

This is not a tragic event that warrents possible "poisoning" of your child. (some soap contains lye and it IS poisonous.) The reason that I am advising against harsh punishment here is that this is a bad habbit that has been inadvertantly "taught" to your child by SOME adult around him. I'm not saying your a bad person, we all have our slips of the tongue. But in this case, o.k., he heard a bad word, now it is your turn to "teach" him that it is inappropriate. First and foremost explain that mommy made a mistake by saying these words and that you will not use them anymore either. Then try positive reinforcement like another mom had said. If he goes a whole day without bad words, he gets a sticker or whatever you choose. Ignoring these things have never worked for me, I had to get down and dirty and make sure it was nipped mainly because of the age. At this age, they are becoming more in tune with themselves... and self-discipline is the key here. Teach him to be in control of his own language!

I STRONGLY advise against hot sauce!! My mom used to do that to me when I was little and it wasn't until years later that I learned it presents a real danger. The peppers can cause the throat to swell shut! Never use hot sauce on a kid or toddler! It's one thing if they try a bit on some food and you can closely monitor the reaction, but straight on the tongue can truly be dangerous.

As for soap, we've done that with our 7 & 8 year old sons. They hate the soap. My step-son (7) has bad weeks at his program - for the first swearing offense, he gets 2 minutes. For the second, he gets 4, so on. And if he whines, screams, bawls, argues, etc. dragging out the consequence, I will add 30 seconds for each time I have to nudge him back on the task of putting the soap in his mouth. (this child doesn't learn from his mistakes. Ever.)

I've never heard of a kid being hurt by soap - it's unpleasant and the idea behind "washing their mouth out" - in other words, they used a "dirty" word, now they have to wash it out, seems to make sense to kids.

But... I'd find out if other kids at school are saying it and I'd ask the teachers to refrain from reacting strongly. They should very plainly say, "[Joe], that is an adult word and you are not yet an adult. Please say, "I'm frustrated" or "Darn it!" instead." - this not only keeps it from becoming a fun "push the buttons on the adult" game, it provides them with something TO say when they're upset.

I agree with the folks who question why the daycare would even suggest soap/hot sauce. I would seriously question what discipline means they are using at the daycare if that is what they suggest that you use at home!

I do think that you need to talk to your son about it, although I think you are trying to ignore it so as to not let it be an "attention getting behavior?" I agree with that tactic to an extent...but I don't think you can just completely ignore it. You should teach your son other acceptable things to say when he wants to "exclaim." Then when you hear him use unacceptable words, you can just ask him "how can you say that better?" to prompt him to use the phrase you taught him (like on Hannah Montana they say "corn nibblets!").

When my son started this his uncles thought it was funny and laughed. Of course, his words were a little milder. My son thought it was great to make everyone laugh so he did it even more. First we talked to everyone in the family and explained to them that if they laugh he will continue to do it and we asked that they help us out by calmly telling him that it's not nice to say those words and not to give him undue attention.

Then, we spoke to him about it. We told him the same thing. We explained that it's not nice to use those words and they hurt other people's feelings, etc. Each time he did it, we didn't ignore it but we didn't make a big deal either. We told him, very matter of factly but firmly, that it was not acceptable and told him to stop. We forced ourselves not to over-react and do the open mouth, jaw drop thing. When he didn't get the attention he stopped.

Actually, he is now 8 yrs old and he still tells others that they are not nice words, even the word "stupid" or "shut up." He's really good when it comes to that. I hope this helps.

J.,

Let me address your concern from yet a different angle. My son is 4 and came from daycare (he is there 4 hours day/2 days a week only) last week with a brand new word (very foul) in his vocabulary. He called my husband a name when he took a toy from him because he wasn't listening. This was within an HOUR of coming home from daycare and we KNOW he did NOT hear that particular term at home. He started with name-calling right after he started daycare and we are working very, very hard to break him of that and he gets disciplined at home for it. When I asked him WHY he is calling names he said "all the kids at daycare call each other names" and when I asked what do the teachers do, because we don't allow that at home, he says that they 'don't care - they are too busy talking to each other to notice.' Now he comes home with a very vulgar word, as well? Well. He is out of there now anyway.

My point is this. When I went in to the daycare to let them know this lovely word he picked up (and he told me which child he learned it from) they let me know that the other child is there at least 8 hours every day, and they never heard him use that word. OK. MY point EXACTLY. And as well, if he is at the daycare for 8 or more hours a day, he is probably spending more time awake THERE than at home, so the daycare is MORE responsible for the child's behavior!

Your child most likely learned those words from one of the other kids at daycare, not from you. As well, why are they coming to YOU about it. If you did not hear him using those words at home, he KNOWS better than to use those words at home. He is therefore only using them at daycare...and why? Because he is getting away with it. Name calling and swearing should be dealt with...by time-outs or loss of privileges or stickers for NICE language only. Make sure the daycare doesn't use soap or hot sauce on your child, if you don't agree that method. Personally, I would be VERY concerned about any daycare that recommends such practices! If I ever caught a sitter/daycare provider putting something like that in my child's mouth there would be a BIG issue. One never knows about (health) reactions. Do they not have training in early childhood behavior?

Good luck to you.

I wouldn't panic over it. Kids are going to repeat what they hear. As far as soap and/or hot sauce goes, I personally don't feel that it is right to do. Your best bet is to talk him and explain that it is wrong. I know he is only 3 but he knows what "no" means. Try loss of privileges, if there is a favorite show he watches or toy he plays with, then take it away from him if he uses bad words. Explain to him the consequences for his actions. It always worked for me with my 4 kids. Best of luck to you.

soap?? hot sauce??? I would agree with Sharon ... there are other ways! How about positive reinforcement?! have they heard of that at the day care??
I suggest you watch for when your child uses good manners and responds nicely to you or anyone else and tell him how nice that sounds. It is true kids sometimes do/say things in front of others that they would never do in front of parents. But there are other ways to deal with other than to get physical over cursing.

good luck!
M.

J.,
I feel your pain as a mother my son had this problem last may where it got so bad he was asked not to come back to the daycare. And the daycare shamed me for it... NO! this is not the kind of language used in our home the work he was saying was the big F...word. Now he would never say it at home just daycare so what i am assuming is he heard it at this child care facility and thought it was funny and continued to use this horrible word. Now i used pretty strict guidelines to stop this sorta behavior. Now the day he left this childcare facility i have never heard of this behavior since. Now knowing i was a single mom at the time the facility pulled me aside and said this has to be happening in your home. Think again i run a very strict household and very seldom tend to get upset enough to use that type of language.So the source was not me it was heard somewhere else and he thought it was o.k to use such behavior. Needless to say since then he has not entered another facility and the swearing has not happened again.good luck!

hot sauce might be scary and it can burn. I saw a thing on TV about a parent who poured an entire bottle of hot sauce down their child's throat- the child was hospitalized and no longer theirs.- i used a little soap until my son said- hey - this doesn't taste so bad... he doesn't like vinager. you also have to explain that any potty language is completely unacceptable. you may need to set up a routine for losing privleges on the 2nd offense of the day- TV, favorite toy etc whatever vice your child has- make sure you give a warning first. The worst mine every said was poopy- and I got a lot of grumps from other parents. I feel for you. One thing that always worked for my son was to turn it positive. If he would go an entire day without bad behavior he would get a marble. Earn so many marbles then he gets a prize. Things like that. Good Luck!

My son, beginning at the age of 2, has from time to time repeated swear words, mostly the word dam. However, he did once hear an adult drop something (not in our family) and said the MF word. He repeated it incessantly for a few weeks. We told him it was a RED word, and tht RED words are very, very inappropriate to say. He responded to this "colorization" of the word. Stupid, shut up, hell, dirty bathroom talk, etc etc...are all RED words. Recently, he came home from day care and told me a friend used a RED word. I asked him what it was, and he did not want to repeat it because it fell under the RED words. (He confided it was "F$&*# it")...we talked about how that word is the very worst of all RED WORDS, and it should NEVER be repeated. Good luck!

My son is also 3 and has a 14 yr. old sister and a 20 yr. old brother. He hears swear words from time to time and naturally repeats them. I simply take his face in my hands so I have his full attention, and say "That's a bad word. We don't say that word, and brother is bad for using it." Then I ask him never to say it again. I told him he can say things like "Oh Barnacles!" (Spongebob)Good Luck!

I seen a thing on Oprah onetime about a parent that used soap on her son and he passed away.she said she only washed his mouth out with it(Ok fine i'm sure we've all had it done by our parents)and the boy had a reaction it the chemicals in it and passed away(they had different parents on there and one last a child to baby oil and baby powder)but i use postive remenforcement with my children and if after several attempts that doesn't work than they have gotten spanked(but that was only once)and that has worked.
but please don't do hot sauce or soap.I refuse to use soap,that show scared me.
J.

Ignore it! My son went through the same thing and the bigger deal we made out of it the more he did it. As for your daycare's suggestion, please! Your daughter knows he will get in trouble, so when she tells on him for that reason, ignore her too. Worked for me.

My then 4 year old was using potty talk- a lot. My two year old starting mimicking him. My husband remembers getting his mouth washed out with soap as a child and I made fun of him, but I was desperate to end the potty talk. So I tried soap in the mouth (I wet a bar of soap to lather a little and rubbed it on his tongue). It worked beautifully on my older child, but not on the 2 year old. However, the older one does not say potty talk anymore, so neither does the younger one. I would recommend it, but your three year old may be a bit young to understand the cause and effect. I think it may be worth a shot.

I would never use either of those methods on a three year old. I have a friend who used soap and her daughter still wets the bed at 11 years old. I think that is the reason. You can take away privileges such as TV or computer time, but I wouldn't physically hurt a three year old.

My sister-in-law used vinegar. Hope that helps.

He may be hearing these words from other sources as well. I don't think you should do the soap in the mouth thing, as that could lead to a bad medical reaction. If you are saying these things, even on occasion maybe you could think of a different word when you're frustrated. Find out why YOU are doing it. Remember you are supposed to be setting a good example for him, and a few years from now chances are he'll be telling other things you say and do, so be careful-it can be embarrassing. Now is the time to start him off on the right tract, and that includes your speech and how we talk about others. Examine yourself first for the root of it. I hope this helps. I know we all have our frustrating moments, but those are the times our kids are watching us-and yes it's challenging, but it's part of our role as parents. You need to tell him firmly that you have been wrong to use those words and that neither of you will say them anymore.

my brother has 5 boys 6 and under and they have a vocabulary. he tried hot sause they like it maybe give him alturnive words to say in there place. that are appropriate for him even if they are not real words. but you could try the hot sauce first or even the hottest peppers you can find. let me know how things go. good luck

Yikes! Soap and hot sauce seems really harsh, and probably something a 3 year old wouldn't understand. My almost 3 year old has popped out a few gems and I simply ignored it. He doesn't continue using words that do not get a reaction. That's my advice.

Good luck!

PS. I would question further what sort of discipline strategies they use at daycare because that soap suggestion besides being ineffective is pretty harsh suggestion in my opinion.