Son Using Inappropriate Language

The best way to get through to him is to take away his favorite toy or form of entertainment until he learns that you are not going to let him get away with his mouth.

It's at school, on the playground. Kids hear it and test it to see how much they can get away with. When my son was eight he came home with jokes about President Clinton and Monica Lewinski (which I won't go into) and sexual things about rock bands, as well as the language. We were able to determine that he did not understand the jokes and talked with about respecting the Office of the President and the responsibility the President has to lead our country. The sex stuff we approached at his level and discussed what we could, putting things he obviously did not understand on the back burner. We were glad he came to us in the first place. The language we stopped and made him come up with a better word to describe his feelings, ie if he said bad word, we stopped him and asked for another word that was appropriate. It didn't take too long for him to determine that he would be better off not using the words.

They definitely pick up these words from other children at school or activities. I was shocked at some of the words my 4 yo daughter came home with after just one day with a new day care provider!

At age 7, I agree with the Mom who said they are going to use these words within their circle of friends, they impress each other that way - I'm not saying it is okay, just that's how it is, but he should be made to understand it is not right.

I'll never forget one time I overheard my daughter (now grown) with her group of sweet little girlfriends who were sitting just outside my window and they were just swearing like sailors, I think they were 8 yrs old or so! I was so shocked - these girls would never talk that way around me!

I remind my kids that people who use swear words just really aren't very smart because that means they can't think of other words to say. Also, when they used swear words with God's name I would tell them about how God is so very busy and each time you say his name, he has to stop what he is doing and look down, so if you say his name you had better be praying about something.

I used to make my son sit and write vocabulary words when we had issues with bad words (and we definitely DID!). I would make a list of 10 new words and take the dictionary out - and he would write the definitions of each 4 times. He hated doing that, so it was suitable punishment in my judgement plus he learned new words!

When I was a kid my brother used to get his mouth washed out with soap - babysitter would run a sink full of dishsoap and water and give him a spoonful - did the trick, but pretty severe.

good luck!

Hi J., have no fear, the language will pass. We had issues with my four year old. He picked-up very inappropriate words at daycare (kids with older siblings and parents that don't filter). Anyway, 3 things to try:

1)Don't reason with your son. Ask him to find a substitute word for the "bad" words. One that you will tolerate.

2) Ignore him, many times kids use bad words just to get your attention. We found 1 & 2 worked most of the time.

3) If all else fails, warn him that you will wash his mouth out with soap. The next time he swears, don't speak grab his arm and lead him to the bathroom, a little soap on the lips never hurt any one and your point will be made. Remember don't speak, just take action. (We resorted to this one for the "f---" word and had no problems since. (Dr. recommended).

Have not tried, but our friends have a bad word box, a quarter goes into the box when the kid starts to say a bad word, 50-cents for saying the bad word, once a week they take the money in the box to a food bank. (Kid in tow). Seems to work most of the time.

Hope this helps.

A.

HI,

After he uses the word(s), ask him in a calm and curious voice what he expects to happen when he uses that word. You might be surprised at his response. Then ask him if there is another word he might use to handle it.

I'm a teacher and this works best for us. In fact, the response to the first question has been some funny moments. All in all, the less of a reaction he gets for saying them, the faster he will stop using them. Just know, that you are not alone - in fact it is rather common.

Hi,
I feel that from your info., your son could be frustrated
from the continued absence of his Dad. Maybe he is hearing the curse words from movies or how old are his siblings (hopefully not), but you never know!
Best of the best to you, J.

Boys seem to like to do things for shock value, and the less shocked (or reactive you are) the less they'll do the behavior.

I would tell your son there are better ways to express himself and that you don't accept that kind of language in your home, then ask him to restate whatever it is in a more appropriate way. I would also stay away from making any comparisons between him and his sisters with this. It just might be nothing more than the only boy trying to separate himself from the girls. But if he sees that you see that difference too, then it just might give more cause for him to do it.

Hi J.,
I teach at a preschool. I have noticed that the 4 and 5 yr old boys start out with experimenting with the "potty language" and they often times do that to receive attention from friends as they all laugh and giggle when they say the words. We ofcourse tell them those words are not appropriate and we don't use them and so forth. It seems like the children who are a little more immature and attention seeking are doing it. I would talk to his teacher about his peer group and if she has noticed this going on at school and how your son is doing socially. There may be someone at school who is getting attention from kids by using these words and he wants to get in on that and or be accepted by the kids who are using this language. You are right to be concerned and address the issue as the punishment you are giving him is not working.I would step up the punishment to taking away tv time or whatever is MOST meaningful to him. If he doesn't use the bad words, he can gain it back.

Your son needs to know that you don't accept this sort of talk. Also make sure he is involved in activities and so forth that continue to boost his self-confidence in positive ways and to keep an eye on the friends he has over.

Spend time each day in conversation with him as well.. (even just 5 minutes!) to stay connected with him and talk about his day. I did that with my son as he grew up and it was always over a snack after school or we would go out for breakfast on the weekend(whatever activity you think he would enjoy, they really do look forward to that.. or perhaps your husband could try and spend more time with him as from your post he is gone a lot and could use some more bonding time with the kids, your son's relationship with his father is VERY important too)

The conversations weren't always that deep but now and then, I would find out some very important things that happened at school or things that may be troubling him. (have good after school snacks around.. that is always good bait.. ha!)

You want to reinforce him communicating but in a positive way without the bad words. I'm sure living with the sisters who are more than likely very verbal, he also may have to compete for attention at the house too.
My son grew up with two sisters and at times they would ride him.. (you know.. the whole let's pick on the youngest) but he was very verbal and very intelligent and kept up with them word for word. My middle daughter was always quiet and VERY shy. I had to make sure they gave her time to talk at dinner time as they would sometimes get impatient waiting for her to communicate her ideas.

Hopefully this bad language use is just a phase but one that you want to get under control right away. Just sharing some sage old advice from someone who has been there and raised her kids and taught kids for 13 years. I made mistakes along the way and I wish I had a website like this to help me out when I was unsure. But I have to say, my children have turned out to be exceptional and successful individuals.
Good luck! You sound like a great mom!

Magic 123 is a good book that helps with disciplining children. It really is a good resource. Good luck.
Kathy Morris

Dear J.,

Here are some ideas to try on him when you hear him talk like that. First time sit him down and tell that it hurts it your feelings and please don't do it again. Then give him consequences if he does, maybe take a toy away or no phone calls with his friends for a day. Use vinegar in his mouth every time he says it. I hope that some of these ideas will help you. Good luck.
B.

Hi J., I have 2 boys one is 9 and the other is 6. I use apple cider vinegar. I would waarn him once and then get out the vinegar. A girlfriend of mine put it in a spray bottle and sprayed it in their mouth-I have used 1/4 teaspoons. They do not like it and it won't hurt them. My younger son has gagged but never thrown up. Sometimes he tends to over react. I would not use hot sauce kinda cruel. Tell your son "bitter juice for bitter words" Good luck- let us know what happens. If he really knows the words are bad then it should work.

Hi J.,

you'd be surprised where kids pick this stuff up... when my oldest was in 4th grade, she called a boy 'sexy' in their aftercare program. The director came to me and told me what she said and had the audacity to accuse us of saying this in front of our daughter - she even said 'ya know... you should tell your husband to be more careful too... kids pick up this stuff' - really... i wanted to hit this woman... no kidding kids pick stuff up! So I asked her about it - of course we got the shoulder shrugs and 'i don't know' and eventually we told her that she shouldn't use words like that and especially if she doesn't know what they mean!

I couldn't for the life of me figure out where she heard 'sexy' from... until one evening I am watching TV and a Victoria's secret commercial comes on, and there's one of the skinny busty models standing in her underwear and behind her is 4 letters that stand about 40 feet tall and are lit up like Times Square... S-E-X-Y - my ah-ha moment hit me and I felt confident this is where she learned the word.. .after all.. she can read :)

My point is, it's not your fault he's saying these words - he can pick this stuff up anywhere - i've even caught school field trip chaperones using bad language to the kids - 'get your a$$ in the line' - uh.... excuse me?!

I know my kids swear with their friends... and your daughters probably did this too... but my kids are good at keeping it confined to their friends. my daughter said the "B" word to me once... I feel ashamed to say it, but my instinct was to reach out and slap her face, which I did. I felt terribly guilty because I don't 'beat' my kids but... she never said it again.

The 2nd oldest said the swear equivalent to poop and i put a drop of tabasco sauce on her tongue and told her she'd get it again if i ever caught her swearing again. I have been told this was very mean to do and it is equivalent to corporal punishment, but i completely disagree... she got a glass of milk after about 30 seconds, and it wasn't poison or harmful in any way.. it stung a little. My husband pours this stuff on his food like it's water... and both my kids like spicy foods - the oldest puts tabasco on her eggs.

kids explore with their words, you can't change it - but you can teach him not to say it in any adult presense - teach him that it's disrespectful language, you don't like it, and that it makes him look bad. You'll need to experiment with what works for you son... each of my kids is different, and so their punishments are too. I don't think a time out will work though. at his age, I really think it loses it's consequence factor... i would tell him before punishment begins 'if i ever hear you swear, "this" will happen' - decide what "this" will be and put it into action immediately - no negotiating.

just my thoughts, based on what i've been through. hope it's helpful to you.

Dear J. N.,
I agree with the preschool teacher about doing it to get attention. I also agree with Jennifer about them hearing things from T.V. As for discipline do what works. When our oldest was into biting we tried a drop of hot sauce too. Then we gave her a piece of bread ( take the heat away fast ). When our next oldest tried biting it didn't work because she liked the taste of it, like her daddy. Now when our oldest acts up she loses computer time ( she loves webkins ).
L. W.
A SAHM (part time sitter) of 4 kids 3 girls & 1 boy also. Ages 10,8,almost5 & almost3.
Good Luck

I'm a teacher at an enrichmnent center and hear stories from our bus driver about the 6 and 7 year olds swearing on the school bus. I recently learned that the kids who swear are bussed to their regular day school with 5th graders. The 5th graders get a kick out of manipulating the little kids to get them in trouble, so they teach the little kids to swear. They think it's cute and funny.

When I hear a 6 or 7 year old swear at school I punish according to how much I think the kid understands what he's saying. Half the time they're just parroting and all I can say to them is "That is a VERY naughty word and I know you didn't know so you're not going to get a time out but next time you will because it is VERY bad. Who taught you that bad word? They must be a very bad friend because they want to get you in trouble!" If the kid understands the word and is saying it to get a rise out of his "audience" then I call home-- and if I were the mom I'd call the school to find out if this is also happening at school and if they have any ideas of where it's coming from. Just this semester I heard a story about my favorite little 6 year old boy who stuck up his middle finger and giggled because all the other boys were doing it. He thought it was like a team signal or a club sign or something. When the teacher came and yelled at the kids he burst into tears saying "I did it but I didn't know it was bad!!!" All it takes is one rotten kid to get all the other good ones in trouble. I'd definitely recommend calling your child's school. Or if he has regular playdates with people who have older siblings maybe see if they're the cause of it.

I recently heard something interesting on this topic...to teach kids that there are no "bad" words, just inappropriate times to USE those words. So then we only say some words in the bathroom, for example.