The Gimmies

Pay her for helping you with chores. Then have her pay for her own treats. If she doesn't have enough, she doesn't get it.

I used to buy my daughter whatever she wanted because I grew up poor and felt I should give her what I didn't have. Then she began to have so much and didn't care for any of it. So, I started to give her barbie bucks for chores around the house. She only bought what she could afford. The only other time she would receive toys is for christmas and birthdays. She was much more excited about getting toys then. Also, at theme parks and disney on ice, she was aloud one and only "1" memento. She is 15 now and works for money to buy clothes. I don't buy any of them. Not only because she makes her own money but also I don't pick out the right stuff. (You'll eventually see what I mean) Good luck!

Well, you are going to have to make a decision. Do you want to giver her as much as possible? Or do you want her to know the value of things? Just because you don't give her everything doesn't mean that you are a bad mom or that she is going to love you less. I would suggest giving her a budget the next time that you go to something like this. Give HER the money to keep. Then let HER DECIDE what she wants to spend the money on. If it's cotton candy or a toy, she gets to decide. That way she will learn how to budget her money. If she blows it all on something useless, she will learn that when she's out of money. The best way to have her learn the value of money for later on in life, is for her to start practicing NOW. That way later on, she will be more wise on what she spends her money on, and she will see how fast it can go when you are careless. Good Luck!! :)

We take family vacations a lot, and we used to have this problem. We resolved it by discussing beforehand that Mom & Dad were providing the gas (we've never flown on vacation...yet) - and we let them know how much each fill up was, including a running total. When $5 is a lot to a kid, they're blown away when it costs $60 to fill the tank! (Especially when you do it 10 times!) We discuss that Mom & Dad pay for meals, and activities. But if they want snacks, treats, souvenirs- ANYTHING extra - they have been given a certain amount of money before we go ($20, $50 - depends how long the trip is & where we go) and when it's gone, it's gone. That's all they get, and they are reminded of this with every purchase they make. It was tough on them the first time they wanted something and didn't have enough money left to pay for it, but once they knew we were serious about them being responsible for their own spending, they became very conscious of it. Our son often comes home from these trips with money left over now! LOL

It's hard not to be furious with a child when they are kicking up a stink for not getting what they want, but when you lay the groundwork and stick to your guns, you don't have to yell. I know that you made an agreement with her before you went to the show. I think I might have taken her aside and either sat her on my lap or got down to her level and explained to her that we weren't at the show for my benefit, but for hers. I would ask her if she'd rather stop her behavior and stay for the rest of the show, or continue acting out and go home - and then leave the choice up to her. Then FOLLOW THROUGH on her choice. If she continues to act out, then you point out that she must have chosen to leave and then leave unless she IMMEDIATELY shapes up. I know that sounds harsh, but we've had to do it, and when they start acting out and are given the choice of leaving if they don't shape up, they shape up. It's tough to do, especially when you've paid thru the nose for tickets, but you'll probably only ever have to do it once, because the next time she's offered that same choice, she's more likely to make the right one. You didn't pay through the nose to have a miserable time fighting with your daughter, so make sure she understands she has the option of changing her attitude and making the activity more enjoyable for you both.

Oh this is just the beginning!!!
I am a mother of 4 and they always want more!!!

You have to stay strong and teach them 'Attitude of Gratitude'
Saying 'no' is hard....but kids need to hear it.

It they can not appreciate what you do for them, then do less! That is what I do and then they get the message! It is really hard!

Stay stong!
T.
www.tesabartell.myarbonne.com

There's nothing like making them earn their own money and buy their own things that leads to a sense of the value of money, taking care of things, learning lessons from making bad purchases (hard to let them do it, but better now than buying a lemon car or something when they're older), etc. Even at that young age she can start to earn money (or even tokens of some type and then you decide what they're worth) by doing some simple jobs or helping you. Then, decide where you want to draw the line like you did, and then, when she wants something else, simply reply, "Oops! I already spent the money I was going to spend on you. How much money do you have? Do you want to buy it with your money?" or "Uh-oh, you don't have enough? I hate it when that happens to me too! Oh well, let's enjoy the show!" They're usually still grumpy if they can't buy it, but they tend to be less grumpy at YOU for not buying it, and more grumpy at themselves, or at life in general. And, hey, that's the way life goes! She'll be better for learning to deal with it early than thinking everyone is going to give her everything she wants and being sorely disappointed (or up to her ears in credit card bills) when she gets older.

Both of my daughters go through this now and again before it recedes again. I agree with the mother who mentioned that societally, it's hard to avoid. Our children are getting all kinds of messages that they are consumers before they are children or citizens. I think we each have to figure out how to counteract those messages in ways that are appropriate for our families, but one piece of advice I would offer is to try not to get angry. If you know what the rules are, and you've laid them out, just stick to them and don't let her get you riled. If you pick your battles carefully, and they know you're serious, it will fade after a while. When I tell my daughters, "No, and this one's not up for discussion," they tend to give up pretty quickly since I won't respond to further questions/arguments/etc. Another thing we do is that my children are sometimes allowed to get something new if they agree to give something else up--this makes them a bit more selective about what new acquisitions they want when it means having to choose something to give away.

In this day and age I think it is a struggle to teach kids values and morals. They think if they have a credit card they can buy anything. Or as my daughter once said to me, "just go to the bank and get more money."

Something that has worked for us is to actually give our child the cash and have them budget what they can get. First they have to do chores to earn the cash. Once they have the cash then we talk to them about what they want and what the amount of money they have can actually buy. If you give your kids everything they start to expect it - it's all they know. If you make them earn it, they tend to value it more and understand the concept of working for something and earning it. It gives them a sense of pride.

Instead of just taking your daughter to the event. Talk to her about it, see if she wants to go, tell her your willing to take her if she makes her bed every day for the next week without being told to. Feeds the dogs or cats. Dusts her room, you get the point. We never buy anything at those events, because you are right, they are way too expensive. Instead we may go out for ice cream instead afterwords. Or go to pizza before the event. Make sure the child is full before you go to the event. The whole point should be on spending time together, not getting material things.

I wish you luck, we have four kids and it is always a struggle because of tv and friends. But instilling this concept early will help with later issues.

A.

Dear S.,

Your a great Mom. After reading your stroy, my only thought was that you keep doing what is right. Sadly, today world is alway wanting more and more and kids learn this from a very young age. As a single Mom make sure that you reach out to others for help and for "sounding boards". It can be pretty lonesome out there. Something I did with my kids (I have 5)is that I set a budget for each child when out on trips. If they spent it in the first 5 minutes than they had to live with that choice. It helps with the emotional side of wanting to give your children everything. It was pretty funny as they grew older and started to "bargin" shop. You will be in our prayers. Hang in there!

Hi!
I understand what you are feeling, I have to remind my kidos to do those gestures of gratitude from various different reasons, it can be frustraing, just remember shes only 6 and will eventually do it on her own, and as far as Disney on Ice, they are horribly expensive, I used to think the movie theare food was costly till we went to High school musical, I took my son to Disney On Ice 15 yrs ago and I think the cotton candy was $6,soda was$7, I haven't went back till High School Musical with our younger 2 daughters the whole expense was over $300 after tickets and suvineirs and food, I won't do that one again, I know this isn't much advice just letting you know your daughter is only being normal, my husbands grandparents gave our daughters $30 each so that helped us out other wise we would have been nagged also, those events are family robbers.

I just wanted to give you a little encouragement. You are doing a great job. From what it sounds like, you told her what to expect before you went in, you came through on your end of the bargain, and you stuck to your guns when she wanted to break the agreement. Just keep up with what you are doing and she'll get the message.

As far as what you can do about the gimmes, have you ever taken her to a place where people don't have anything? A homeless shelter or food bank or something like that. Maybe there is even an elderly person in your neighborhood that needs help. Maybe she just needs a little perspective.

Try giving her the amount of money that you want to spend before going. Tell her that is all she will get and then she gets to decide how to spend it. She will feel grown up and this way she is learning how to pick and chose and understands how much things cost and that she can spend it in different ways-cheaper things, but get more things or one nice thing...just an idea. Try to keep telling her things about money and explain how it works.

I struggle with more, more, more from my girls too (ages 9 & 6). I think in our society it will always be inevitable and a constant fight that we struggle with. What we try to do at our house is my girls have chores (picking up dog poo, feeding dog/cat, setting dinner table and then doing dishes after) and they get an allowance every two weeks of their age ($9 & $6). When we go to special places as a family we discuss before hand that we will (maybe) get them something very inexpensive if they act appropriately but they will have to bring their own money for anything else. They really seem to appreciate what they buy themselves.

Good luck!

My son has the same problem. I stand firm and tell him no and if he can't be grateful for the things he has then maybe next time we will just stay home. He will also ask me for money. I only give him (a dollar every once and awhile) when he does chores. He's starting to understand. Our church is very involved in African Missions and he is also very fascinated w/ African Missions, so I explain to him the way most people live in that area of the world and that he is very blessed

I am wondering if you weren't too impatient with your daughter. When she wanted more items, how did she ask? Did she ask politely? If she did, did you say no calmly and remind her that two items was the limit? And if you did that, how did she respond?

Did she ask politely, but just the question alone upset you?

Or did she demand and whine from the beginning, or ask politely but then whine when you said no?

As you can see, these are all very different scenarios.

I don't think that it's a sign of brattiness if young kids forget ground rules, or ask for an exception, if they ask politely. It's only bratty when they talk back to you, nag repeatedly or otherwise behave in a rude way.

We've always talked to our daughter about what items are "worth the money." The focus was not on how much we had to spend for an occasion (that's a different lesson, one about budgeting) but rather whether you really want to spend your money on something, even if you have the money for it. At events where prices are inflated, we would point out how much more she could buy for her money if she bought the item elsewhere, or we would tell her what else she could buy for the same money that she would spend on something junky at an event.

Tell her that unless she starts showing gratitude for what she has, she will no longer get to go to special events. Or, the next time you go to a special event, set expectations of what will happen in regard to the concession. Tell her that if she doesn't adhere to the agreement, you will leave the event. AT six, she's old enough to understand behavior and consequences. You just need to make sure you enforce them. I started doing this with my son when he was about 4 and I still have to remind him of what will happen if he doesn't stick to our agreement (he's not 5 1/2). Kids are born selfish and the only way to teach them gratitude is to not give them everything and take away what they do have if they do not appreciate it.

We recently went to the Renaissance Festival and as you know, that can get costly as well. In order to go we had to have a garage sale to raise the money. When talking to my children about what we were going to sell at the sale, I explained to them that if they wanted to get a 'treat' at the festival, then they were going to have to sacrafice other toys to raise the money. They then each had their own $20 at the festival and only got to spend that. One picked a wand and the other a sword and we left eating big huge yummy cookies, with smiling children in hand. I know my children aren't as old as your daughter, but teaching her to sacrafice and make her own money in order to buy special things is a starting point. She needs to learn the value of money and how to save it to spend on special occasions.

Oh my goodness, you sound like such a sweet mommy. I am a mother of six children ages 7 up to 21. There are two things that seem to be reinforced with me through my few years of parenting. One, have you heard the saying "Survival of the fittest?" Healthy children are born fighters it is what ensures survival. Their behaviors become extended in extra-proportionate ways and we tend to see it that they are not grateful. Their perspective is that they just aren't going to make it without whatever it is that they want at the time. So here's where the second reinforcement comes in...'Timing'! A very delicate and compromising strategy. Timing helps children relate emotions appropriately. So, I will give you an example using your situation. You had predetemined that you could appropriate two purchases during your evening together. Try to remember that your little one cannot rationalize expense...you have done a fantastic job creating the feeling in her that she is totally safe in this zone. On the other hand you know so much more about this delicate balance. Explain to her that she can chose one thing at intermission and then a second thing at the end of the show so she can then look forward to finishing her night with a carefully selected item. I would like to add something for you though... anger is manipulation and I guarantee she had a great time and great memories. Even if she seems angry at the time try to put a smile on your face and tell her how wonderful everything was. Our precious ones are clever for setting us up for future events. Do not accept punishment for having done something wonderful. She will perceive her having had good time from you. I can tell...you are special and wonderful and because you value her she cannot help but to learn what genuine value is. Good job mommy!!!

Hi-
Sounds like you've gotten some great advice already, but let me put my two cents worth in.
1. It's normal and natural for children to be selfish- don't condone it, but realize yours isn't the only one.
2. We've worked with our boys on a few big ideas that seem to help: (still working!)
Value of hard work, Value of giving to others (time, money, talents), and the Value of the dollar.

Seems like as they are getting older, they are better bargain hunters than I am. I think it's working.
Keep up the good work, and she'll get it with time. Don't get discouraged, and don't give her everything she wants. Saying no at the Disney event was a wise choice... we've all been there done that and our kids haven't been the happiest, but they eventually learn and someday they will thank us!

one sentence in your post caught my eye..."i want to give her as much as possible, but also teach her the value of things."
when you say you want to give her as much as possible, do you mean material things? if it is, that could be your problem.
going to disney on ice is a fun thing to do, but it sounds to me like you went into it knowing how expensive it could be....was it worth it? your daughter would probably have had just as much fun spending the time with you doing something much cheaper.....we've become very conditioned to thinking that expensive equals good......not always true! kids really just want to spend time with their parents....they want your attention more than anything.....so give her that great gift and stop trying to impress her and everyone else! there's a great book, "the bearstain bears get the gimmies"......see if you can find a copy.....might help her understand that you just can't have everything you see.....good luck!

hugs!
sally

It is natural for a child to want more and ask for it even if you've told them they can only have 2 items. As an adult, I have wished for more than I had and verbally expressed it, so we need to have empathy for our children desiring more. There is nothing wrong with expressing a want. There is something wrong with whining and disobeying. And children don't understand money naturally, so it our job to teach them. So I would be careful about getting angry at that. You want to be careful not to be a martyr.

I definitely would remind her gently that you said you'd only buy 2 things and then give her a choice: "I understand you want more. I do too sometimes. But I said I am only willing to buy two items and I already did. I like to share things with people who appreciate it and say thank you. We can stay and enjoy the show if you stop asking for more things or we can go home. The choice is yours. I'd love to stay and enjoy this wonderful evening together, but it is completely up to you." All this is said without any anger or resentment, but with love and empathy, and you must FOLLOW THROUGH so she learns to trust what you say is what you mean. If she unfortunately chose to keep demanding more, then I'd say, "How sad. You chose to go home." And then leave without engaging in an argument, which she most surely would attempt. Again, you remain completely calm and all the responsibility is put on your daughter. This isn't to be punitive, but it's you lovingly demanding respect. I bet you wouldn't have to follow through very much in the future before she learns very quickly, and the best part is that the relationship isn't damaged. I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic parenting classes or reading one of their books (they also have DVDs and books on CD). You can get them at the library or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com The whole idea is letting your children make choice and suffer the consequences of those choices so they can learn to make responsible decisions and learn about cause and effect. The approach is to set boundaries and enforce those in a gentle and empathetic, yet consistent manner.

Also, what children really want is time with their parents, and keep the main goal in mind--building a warm relationship with your daughter. Maybe don't buy her anything next time--I really like children earning money by working and buying their own things. I had to as a child and it is great on so many levels, from learning a work ethic to managing money and appreciating things. We need to emphasize that things aren't what bring us happiness.

This is a great time in her life to learn about ALLOWANCE and saving for things she can buy with her own (earned) income! That way, she'll value what she purchases, and have an appreciation of what it takes to get money.

In the future, when you have an event like Disney on Ice, she'll have money saved. Make a chore chart with the amounts of each chore's worth. Pay daily - not weekly, so there is motivation and gratification. You can even encourage her entrepreneurial side - and see if she wants to "sell" some of her old clothes/toys on eBay, or have a lemonade stand, or yard sale?

Lessons of money, are really important - and as she learns to count it - she'll love that she'll have her own. Maybe go to the store to pick out a nice wallet or purse - and add her first dollar to it?

Best,
C.

Howdy S.

I have a four year old who tries the Gimmies with me, but without success most of the time. At the moment, I have a money incentive reward and a money box in his room. He knows that for really good helping things he will get money and if he finds money he can put it into his money box. So far, he has been able to pay for his turn on a child ride at the shops which he really enjoyed. This might be the solution you're looking for!

You did the right thing in not giving her more. You could mention that your time was also important. I've found that kids are more appreciative of parental attention than things for things sake. Stick to your guns; it'll help her be selective of what she spends her (your) money on.