Looking for Advice from Mom's with Older Children

Try not to judge them to harshly. If you do they won't want to tell you what they are thinking. This is a huge problem with teens. My children are still little, 8 weeks and 17 months. but I can remember telling my mom things that I would never tell my Dad because I knew she would try to help me if I asked, but would not get angry or disappointed. I know she probably felt it inside, but she didn't let me know it.

I say you have to hold your child accountable for their actions. My "step-daughter" - who is 13 has been living with us since she is 6 and her Mom is a non-participating parent. She is a good kid, but school makes her materialistic and I can't stand it. I try to explain to her that her tombstone should not read "Here lies Mickey.....she had a lot of stuff". My cousin once sent me something about the "dash" in a person's life.....that is what counts. Put this on your fridge

-The Dash-
I read of a Reverend who stood to speak at the funeral of his friend. He referred to the date on her
tombstone from the beginning ..... to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the date with tears but he said what mattered
most of all was the dash between those years.
For the dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth, and now only those who loved her
know what that little dash is worth.
For it matters not how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we lived and loved and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard, are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left you could be at "dash mid-range."
If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always understand the way
other people feel, and be less quick to anger, show appreciation more and love the people in our life like
we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect, more often wear a smile remembering that this special dash might
only last a little while.
So when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be pleased with the things they say about how you spent your dash.
-Linda Ellis

I just read the book, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" by Wendy Mogel. It is basically a prescription, more or less, for all that you're talking about--raising kids to have a sense of gratitude rather than entitlement, to care for others, etc. It's a great book--your local library may have it.

Hi, J.!

I am not a mama with older children (mine is 17 mos.) but was a teacher and a teacher of teacher for many years. That's a big and very important question! I am happy to recommend a wonderful book that can answer it much more completely than I can in an email. It's Discipline for Life: Getting it Right with Children, by Madelyn Swift. She has great practical advice that you can start with today. She has a great sense of humor and helps parents to keep theirs in raising their kids. I've heard her speak and think she's really got it. Here is a link to the book on Half.com where you can purchase it for about $8.00. http://product.half.ebay.com/Discipline-for-Life_W0QQprZ#... or check with your local childcare resourse and referral agency. I used to teach for one in Syracuse and we had copies of really great books for loan to parents and childcare providers.

Good luck! Remember, great mamas don't know everything, they just know to ask for help!

S.

J.,

i believe, it all starts from home. you can only do your best and teach them to use manners and respect and then hope that they go out into the world and display that.

i came into a premade family and the boy at the time (5 yrs) was spoiled rotten, had no manners and thought he ruled the house). i taught him (along with my husband) that in our house he is to use manners - always say please, thank you, etc. we stopped spoiling him and tried to teach him that presents are really only given on birthdays and hanukkah & christmas (he celebrates both; one with us the other with his mom). he used to think that EVERY time someone takes him to the store he is allowed to get something; even if the shopping trip wasn't specifically for him.

he receives an allowance now (which i'm starting to regret starting) and we're trying to teach him about money and not to waste it on things. if he wants toys he can use his own money. he bought himself an ipod and now he wants to save for a gaming system. BUT everytime he saves up a little bit, he wastes it on pokemon cards. we told him that we (his father and i) still have the right to say NO if he wants to get something with his own money.

we still sometimes have tantrums at home, but it gets nipped in the bud. we wont tolerate the whining and attitude anymore if he doesn't get his way - he gets sent to his room until he can behave nicely.

he's not the only child anymore, he has a 6 month old brother, and sometimes that is the cause of the outbreak. "how come he can, but i can't; how come you do for him, but not for me" he doesn't realize that at the age of 9 he should be a little independent where as his brother can't do anything for himself yet and that i have to do everything for him.

i hope i helped a little bit. as i've learned, you can't get upset if they act more respectful OUTSIDE your home than they do to you and your husband... always happens. and we should be happy that they treat others with respect (event though we get upset if they don't treat us with any)

nikki

Good for you for wanting to raise children that are decent in so many ways! I applaud you. I am a mom who asks the same questions. I dont have the answers yet, and maybe never will, but I know that I raise my son with some tough and strong love. Here are some of the things that I think are critical:

1. LOVE your kids. Be openly affectionate with them, even when they squirm. Teach them to love one another.
2. Teach them manners and STICK to it. When they meet someone, shake hands, say hello, answer questions. Hold open doors for strangers. In other words, respect those around them.
3. Help them learn compassion for others. This is tricky, but if you help them to see beyond themselves, it opens their eyes and their minds and helps them not to be bratty and ego-centric.
4. Give them chores. They live in your home, even if you stay home, they make laundry, dishes, etc. and you are NOT the maid. Get them involved young in taking responsibility for their surroundings.
5. Get away from the tv and games and get them to read! TV and video games are great and I dont say never, but the reader is the leader!
6. Teach them to be kind.
7. Use humor to get through the day to day and help them appreciate the power of laughter in our lives.
8. Set a work ethic for school, home, etc. Get them to take pride in doing a good job without expecting a material reward.
9. Make them feel safe.
10. Let them have age-appropriate independence. They will leave you someday, help them do it gracefully.
11. Teach them to look people in the eye, admit when they are wrong, and be open to new experiences. They wont disappoint you.

These are just my own personal views. Take them or leave them. They work for me. Best of luck.

I agree with alot others have said, teach and enforce good manners.
In my house I think what has helped my kids is my reduction of screen time. My kids watch less than 5 hours of TV a week/play on computer less than 5 hours a week. It means they need to use their imagination and play with their toys, and eliminate a negative influence. If they do watch TV, we almost always watch TV or movies together.
I'm not very religious, but I do think this is a benefit to teaching kids moral values. Always do what you say you are going to do, and if you don't, admit why not and apologize. Always admit when you are wrong and made a mistake, it's a great example. It's ok for kids to see you and your husband squabble sometimes, that's how they learn to resolve conflict, by watching you do it...just make sure it's not about discipline. When my hubby and I disagree on discipline we go into our bedroom, talk it over and then come out and tell the kids what we decided and if we changed our minds, why.
In our house chores are just part of everyone helping out with the house. Since both my husband and I work full time we have made it clear that it takes everyone's help to make the house run smoothly.
I also give an allowance, it is not connected to chores, but even if it were, chores are not a choice in my house so they are always done. The thing about the allowance is that they get a dollar per year of age ($10 for a 10 year old). This can be alot of money, however, I make mine be responsible with it. Any toys they "want" are bought with their own money,n ot mine. If they want to buy hot school lunch it must come from their allowance, if not then they must make their own lunch (even my 4 year old puts together everything but his sandwich). This way when the lunch calendar comes out they have to figure out what days they want to buy and if they will have enough money for it. It helps them learn to balance their priorities about money. Soemtimes my dtr decides there is nothing she wants to buy herself and will buy lunch almost everyday. Other months she wants to buy herself something, she saves her money for that and makes her lunch.
My lids also know that every other month they have to put at least 2 weeks worth of money in the bank, so they learn to save up for it. At least 3 or 4 times a year they have to use money of their own to donate or buy something for charity.
Another chore my kids have is laundry. As they get older I have them help fold and put away their own laundry. Then about age 8 they need to be responsbile to see that they are running out of something (socks, underwear, etc) and tell me when it is time to do laundry (I do some promopting up until middle school). It teaches them to be responsible for themselves, and has it's own natural consequences
I have also taught my kids to cook. This way they know how to feed themselves. This is also why they have to make their own lunches (by age 7 kids can make their own sandwiches).
My girls are the only ones in their Girl Scout troops who are not clueless when it comes to camp outs. They are able to show other girls how to cook, clean up, etc. Some people might say I have them do too much, but I think I'm just preparing them for life.
Most of all we try to spend fun family time together, whether it is camping out, local high school plays, baseball games, etc.
Hope you find these ideas helpful!

I thik one really important thing that children need to learn early in life is how to deal with disappointment. This can start early on with something as simple as saying no! Maybe they don't get the toy they want in the store, or have to stop playing because it is dinner time. I see so many children who don't understand feeling disappointed because their parents cater to them out of guilt, or wanting to be their child's friend. But the world is full of disappointment, and it's easier to shrug it off and focus on differnt things when you know how to deal with it.

My son's pre-school teacher and I had this conversation a few months ago. Her husband died when their kids were both under the age of 12 in their hotel room at a Disney resort. He was not yet 40 and had a massive heart attack. The therapist the kids saw after he died told the mom that Dad's death was the Ultimate No, and that because they already understood the concept of disappointment they were handling his death pretty well. This therapist went on to tell her that she sees way too many kids who loose a parent to tragedy but have never learned to handle disappointment and it cripples them and they don't know how to cope because it's seemingly the first "no" they have ever encountered.

I think that the best thing to do is teach your children Values

Try the Family virtues guide
http://www.bahairesources.com/products.php?id=1268

learn one virtue per week,

M

J.,

Great question! I'm looking forward to reading your replies.

My daughters are 11 and 13. I've been working on teaching them that money doesn't grow on trees. While out shopping for school clothes last year, my youngest found a skirt that she really wanted $27. I told her lets look around and see what else we can find. We found a skirt and 2 pairs of jeans (total $31). I asked her did she want. She chose the skirt and 2 pairs of jeans.

They have certain chores that they are responsible for on a daily/weekly basis.

I also have my daughters pay for their luxury items (like that new cd) out of thier own money.

I also encourage a lot of community service.

My solution to this was simple. We were very poor. The children had a good home, medical care and a family who cared but we couldn't give them much spending money. Both their father and I worked. They realized at an early age you can't get a job with a bratty attitude or graduate from school without doing your homework. This way of life has paid off with my four children having high paying professions and three out of four own their own homes. They all have many friends and are assets to the communities in which they live.

Spent time not money on your kids. A family hike or afternoon picnic at a playground is a better way to spend family time than a trip to the toy store. My kids are all grown and I smile every time my oldest daughter tells me what she did with the kids for the day. Outing to the farm market, fishing at the pond, bike rides down the street. It's never anything that costs much money but the grandkids love 'going on adventures'.

Hi,
I'm older; my kids are married and my daughter has four little ones. (I had only two. My son is, also, married, but has no children, yet.)
Lead by example. Teen years are hard, but they come back later. You do what you think is right, and so will they.

Keep on treckin. It works.

Take care,
F.

I have two children, daughter 21 this October and my son is 16 this month they are great kids. I always told them while they were growing up....you can talk to me about ANYTHING....do not be afraid to tell me what is going on, I expect you to make mistakes, it is my job to guide and protect you therefore in order to do this I need to know what is happening in your life. I must admit it worked wonders, both of them tell me pretty much everything.

My advice to you is simple, be firm but fair, stay consistent...if you issue a punishment for something be sure if fits the the crime so to speak, and follow through. Allow them to make mistakes...it is the best way to learn. Give them chores, the younger the better and an allowance is not a bad thing if they are doing the chores set forth, this way if they want a specific toy they can learn the value of buying something with their own money. Let them know that respect & trust must be earned and in order to receive both you must be both respectful and trustworthy. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy....keep all lines of communication open. As they grow and mature talk to them, let the tell you what is going on in their lives, sometimes it may not be what you want to hear but be sure to remain open minded and lend advice and support, remember what it was like to be their age. Do not judge them but issue suggestions on how they could handle whatever situations that they may confront. Hold their hand and lead them to the right path, but allow them to walk it, stay close by but let them walk the path as best they can on their own. Help when necessary.
I am sure you will get alot of advice and I hope this is of some help. Just remember that no one is perfect all children are lazy to an extent. Remain calm, it is a tumultous sea you are facing ahead but worth every minute!

Raising children to be responsible and respectful starts at a very young age. My children are 17 and 10 and my husband and I have always taught them to treat everyone with respect and you will get respect back. We told them that if you do something wrong admit to your mistake. We will not yell but we will talk it out in a calm manner and try to figure out what went wrong in the first place and what he could have done to prevent it from happening again. My boys will do anything to help out a neigbor or a friend. Sometimes you don't even have to ask them too. Now the money part is a little hard being as we never had much to begin with. My 17 year old has a job and we keep telling him he has to save up his money but it's not working too well. I would love advice on that topic as well.

i only have young children, but just wanted to say i completely understand your question. in looking at the world today, we feel the same exact way. i dont know the true answer but know that just reading your post, its gives me hope that others feel so stronly about this as well. good luck

Just remember that even "perfect parents" that raise "perfect kids" can not guarantee their children will become "perfect adults".

But you can try. One of the things we tried to teach all our kids (we have 5 full grown kids with families of their own now) is to be responsible for everything they do. When they were kids if they wanted money for something they had to earn it. It was not just given to them. Not even their allowance. If they didn't do their chores they didn't get it that week. End of discussion! They were also taught that in order to get their allowance they had to keep their grades up and be respectful of others no matter what the situation. And when they did get their allowance they were allowed to spend half of it on anything they wanted, the other half had to be saved and could only be spent on something if they had our permission.

Our kids were also taught that we sometimes had to say "no"! We refused to go into major debt just so one of the kids could have the best bike, or stereo or the newest gadget on the market. This is not to say they were in any way deprived. They got gifts, and some times it was the bestest, newest, coolest thing that no one else had. But they learned at a very young age that we gave it to them because we were both financially able to do so and/or because we felt they deserved to have it.

Another thing my kids grew up to understand was that when each one of them turned 16 they had to get a part time job and open a savings account. And the "save half your money" rule was still enacted. They also knew that as soon as they were out of school (whether that be high school or college) if they still lived at home they had to pay board. And they had to get a full time job. They had to pay for their own clothes, cars, insurance and gas. And if they drove our cars they had to pay for all the gas they used.

I know it sounds like everything we taught our kids was about money, but it really wasn't. We insisted on them having good manners and to care for the feelings of others also. We also expected respect from our kids, too. And respect for everyone else, as well as their opinions, even if they didn't always agree with them. This included respect for our financial situation, which was not always the greatest.

The bottom line is our kids (now that they are all grown) are pretty good, responsible adults that know how to save money but still have the things they want, are respectful of others and their opinions and care about what others think of them. We're very proud of all our kids and often tell them so.

J. --
There is great advice from everyone here. Let me add my "2 cents" as to what has worked for us....
My children are 19,18,11,8,&4
When two oldest boys were 11&12, we were listening to a radio program about money and allowances. We heard it discussed several times and the boy they were talking about received $25 each week as his allowance (which seems incredibly high for a 12 year old)....but there were stipulations -- he was to purchase EVERTHING he needed/wanted out of that money.
Well, when the boys were 12&13, we began the process.
The very first week, my oldest had baseball signups, and two soccer tournaments. This $$ would have been paid by us before, but now it was his resposibility. Later that week, they wanted to go to Burger King and when I said I didn't have any money to go, he said to me "I know how you feel, Mom" -- those were the sweetest words I had heard!! :)
The nagging for "things" at the store was instantly gone, too.
Over the years, we have had to guide them and even prod the 2nd son to SPEND some of his money (like when his sneakers have holes in them) and are now thinking ahead to college and increasing the amount so that they can "pay" for Rent, Utilities, etc. while at home.

My second tip is that parents HAVE to be a united front on the discipline issues -- my sister gets resistance from her husband when she tries to discipline and now her teenager is an absolute BRAT!! She actually asked my how my oldest turned out so good and hers so bad. I told her I think it is because my husband has always demanded respect from our children (especially toward me) and hers will "side" with the kids, undermining anything that she tries to do...

It's not always a smooth ride, even if you do everything "right" but parenting is the best job around!!
The rewards are GREAT!!

Hi J.,
It's wonderful that you're thinking now about what kind of people you want to see your kids become later, because those lessons do start now. I have a teenager and I see what the other teens are like, and I suspect they have been raised differently.
First, I'd suggest living by the example that you'd like your kids to live by. If you don't want them to swear, watch your own language. If you want them to speak respectfully and politely, be sure that you do that - my kids never had to be "taught" manners, to say please/thank you/excuse me because that's how we spoke in the house. The kids just picked it up.
Let kids do what they can for themselves, let them be responsible. This can mean regular chores, and small things - at your kids' they should be hanging up their own towel after a bath or after swimming, putting their clothes in the hamper rather than leaving them on the floor. At 4, my kids could clear their own plate and knew if their snack involved a wrapper or garbage, that THEY were to clean it up. Don't do everything for them. My teenager has friends whose moms still clean their room, fold and put away their laundry, change their sheets - my daughter has been doing this since 9 years old. Don't be a servant to them. We don't do them a favor by not teaching them how to do for themselves.
Remember to be their parent, not their friend. This doesn't mean that you can't have a close relationship with your kids, but we are not their peers. They are counting on us to set rules and boundaries, guidelines and expectations. Don't be shy in telling your kids what you expect. My teenager knows when she is asking permission to do something she wants, what the answer will be 90% of the time, because we have been clear about our rules and guidelines.
Don't overindulge them. Let them earn things for themselves. Let them know that when the Scholastic book order comes home from school, you're glad to buy them a $5 book, but that a $25 item is not a "just because" gift, it's something to put on the Birthday/Christmas/Hanukah list. While I don't believe that you need to tell them what your salary and Dh's are or how much the mortgage or car payment are, let them know when they ask for something that you can't afford that there is a budget in the family. As they get older, let them know what kinds of things grownups have to pay for, and teach the difference between necessities and luxuries. Let them see you pay for things in CASH, not a credit card. Let them see actual money so that they understand there isn't a magic money card where you get everything you need. Teens/college students really don't understand that a credit card is not free money. Regarding the budget and luxuries, my teen knows that I have a limited amount of money that I can spend on her clothes. If she wants the expensive brands of sneakers or jeans, she knows that I will still contribute the same amount that I can afford, and if she wants something better, she can use her allowance/babysitting money/birthday money to upgrade to a more expensive type of jeans or sneakers.
Most importantly, keep talking to your kids about your beliefs and values. Let them know the qualities that you respect in people and what you feel is important. Good luck!

I have 10 year old & 15 year old girls. They are responsible and respectful and have a really good work ethic (we are still working on the "good with money" part). I found that if you don't give them everything they ask for it helps. If there's something they really want, they should have to do something for it, like chores around the house. Giving an allowance helps also when they do the chores that are required. Getting them involved in community service and volunteer work really makes them feel good about themselves because they can see they're helping other people, and they don't have to get anything in return to feel good. Also, Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts build good character. Keep them in as long as possible (good on college applications). Have them get involved with your church or synagogue. Giving them responsibilities makes them feel like grownups. My 15 year old loves kids and has worked for the last 2 summers as a camp counselor and after school at the after-school daycare program. She would work all day and night if she could. She loves the feeling of being responsible and having an income. We told her that she had to do something during the summer beause she wouldn't be allowed to sleep all day and become a couch potato.
There are a lot of spoiled kids out there becaue their parents give them everything they ask for without them having to do anything for it, so they think that's the way life will be forever.
It looks like you have plenty of time to work on getting them where you would like. Just be persistent and stick by your word. Let them know you are in charge from the beginning and they will respect that.
Good luck!

There's no guarentee anyone will raise a child to be exactly what they expect. In many cases it turns out quite the opposite regardless of what rules the parents set. I personally feel the best anyone can do for their children is love them and lead by example. The role you play as an adult will most likely be similar to what standards they hold in life as adults. Please also try to keep in mind, most teenagers think quite differently than an adult. Those thoughts and opinions process in he brain much differently with maturity and responsibility.
K.

Hi. My kids are 9 and 12. I think manners are really a good start. Please and thank you when they are over someone's home and at our home. I always say make sure you say please and thank you .. and they laugh at me because they hear me say that so much. I hear back from neighbors that they are very polite.. so it's working. I think #2 is money doesn't grow on trees. My son had a nice bike.. but wasn't happy with it.. so I said if you want a newer - nicer bike.. you have to save.. He went out and watched neighbors dogs, cats, fish picked up mail, watered flowers... when they were away.. and really saved.. he put $60 on a bike and we matched that amount.. he now takes really good care of the stuff he spends his money on. My daughter is not so good with money.. she would rather spend all of her money on ice cream and candy.. but we are trying to show her how to save.. and she gets paid for empting the dishwasher and helping bring the laundry down stairs.. start early.. with money matters and with manners... they are both so important. Make them learn to say they made a mistake and try to make things right. Be good parents... and show them a lot of love.. good luck!!

It will be interesting to read everyone response but no one can ensure you that your children will grow up to be what you want..