Thanksgiving Battle

Ther is not mch you can do with a stubern person its only one day go smile and if you dont want to watch tv leave when they start thats a compermise good luck A. no hills

Stop making it a battle! Let her know she's invited to your home, but if she declines that's fine, no biggie, it's her choice, you'll see her at some other time during the year. If she doesn't want to come, she doesn't want to come, stop fighting with her about it. Just let her know that you want to start your own traditions at your home, and she is more than welcome to join you. End of story.

If you can get your spouse's support, then I recommend something hard: make your plans, invite her, and let her sit in her home by herself if that's what she chooses to do. Don't let her hold you hostage anymore.

My mother was that one for many years, and when I finally said "I'm going to spend time with my husband's family this year," and she did sit alone by herself. That's not my fault and it's not my responsibility. She's a big girl and she is responsible for herself.

These days when we invite her to our home, she frequently comes. When we choose to spend it with one of my spouse's family members, she chooses not to come. Her choice. And not my problem. We have her to dinner the day after and she likes the special attention.

You should let your MIL make her choice and feel no guilt.

Your MIL is holding numerous people hostage essentially in order to attempt to recreate in her mind and home visions of Thanksgivings past. This is part of the aging process that can be very depressing for the aging person, also a very lonely, empty time. The best choice for all is to have a great big gathering of family. Prior to the event, you and a couple of the other females could take MIL to lunch, lead into a conversation about the best memories,foods, traditions from years back and encourage MIL to gab also. Once you have this info, begin your planning. Let MIL know where the big meal is to be held, and you need her to make hopefully what she has revealed as a favorite food, tradition or decor. It would also be helpful to pick her up Wed and get her started with preps with others AND have her stay the night w/a willing family member who is also going to be busy with preps Thurs. and again have her stay Thurs. with a cap off on Friday with leftovers at say dinner at 4 pm after a little shopping maybe. By 6pm she will be so glad to return home to her home and bed but also very happy that she had so much fun. The point: MIL doesn't get a choice period. It is not good for her to live in the past. One of the sons can likely pick her up & put her into a car. Her only other choice is to sit in her home alone. Don't let her bully your family, instead do what is healthy for her which is to join in. A tiny bit of sherry or sweet wine will help her to relax. Be aware of her meds & health issues of course. Also, it would be very nice if some of the grandkids could put together a few decorations for both holidays at her home so she too has festive things around her.

Big life rule: No one is allowed to spoil holidays, other celebrations or events because things must be done their way, or other people they dislike will be present, or whatever. Invitations are issued, RSVP's are taken, no threats or ultimatums are allowed PERIOD. For the aging, do what is thoughtful and healthy for them, giving in is not a choice.

M.

M., your battle is as old as time.

2 choices...fight it, or go with the flow.

My husband and I have been together for 21 years, EVERY YEAR the holiday battle begins about mid-September. You see, both our families have the EXACT same traditions. HUGE Thanksgiving dinner at 5 PM on Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas is a family affair on Christmas Eve, again 5 PM. So whose family do we choose? Where do we go? So we fight, “no we did that last year”, “no we did YOUR family last year”…blah blah blah. It was horrible.

I remember many years of going to one family from noon to 5 PM then the other from 6 to midnight, then drive home to set up our own Christmas morning for our children. Oh yeah and did I mention they lived over 1 hour apart and it SNOWS A LOT where we lived?

Then we started going away for Christmas, but there was till Thanksgiving…oy vay.

So here is what we finally decided. This is our family, my husband, our two daughters and me. We wanted to create our own traditions. Spending hours on the freeway on holidays was not fun for us. The extended family would come second. We decided what WE wanted and fit the family in. If they didn’t like it, too bad, this was a family (my family) decision and we stuck with it.

You can fight with your MIL or you can make a decision that works for you and let everyone know what that looks like. You get to choose.

B.
Family Success Coach

M., I understand what you are going through. My MIL was the same way, only lattle worse. All holidays had to be at her house on that day. We could not go to my families house on Thursday for Thanksgiving and MIL's on Saturday because that was not Thanksgiving. We could not celebrate Chistmas on Dec. 24 or Dec. 27 because that was not Christmas. My husband and his brother are her only kids and both are married with kids. My BIL and his family live 2 hours away and didn't come every year so they could be with his in-laws. It was a mess. Lucky for me my mom says that any day to spend with family is Thanksgiving for her so whatever day we could come worked for her and same for Christmas and all other holidays. My MIL passed away from cancer almost 6 years ago and we don't have that problem now but I wish we did. God bless and good luck.

Is she a Widow? Sometimes, a Widow can feel a bit uncomfortable around a "lot" of people/family during the Holidays because it makes them sad, or they feel like the only one's with out a "spouse" or without any "significant" other and they feel like a sore thumb. Or, is she is a divorced woman... then the same apprehension of feelings could apply, too. And, when in this situation (of being a widow or divorced) people like that sometimes just like the "safety" of their own (small) gathering.... because then they don't have to "pretend" to be exciting/smart/witty/funny/in love/with someone/all smiles/gracious/and all those things that they maybe feel "clumsy" about, in relation to ALL the other family members.
This is one possibility.

Or, maybe she just is not a social being... and for those people the Holidays actually makes them feel depressed.

Or maybe she is just not a "festive" Martha Stewart type who really gets into the Holidays.

Or, maybe she is just a fussy MIL who is a stick in the mud.

Meanwhile, you HAVE invited her to your home with the family and tried to very nicely include her in things. Great! But if she still declines... then so be it. Maybe at another time she will feel different.

Unless, this is just her "personality" and she really is a wicked-witch of a MIL.

Then... WHERE ON earth is your Husband in all this? Does he have any thoughts on it? After all, this is HIS Mom.

All the best,
Susan

plan your thing and invite her. it's up to her to show up or spend thanksgiving alone.

Hmmm, I think we might have the same MIL!

I agree that you just have to take the air out of this battle. Make a decision about what your family wants to do for the holidays and then invite her to join you. She'll come or she won't. She's a grown woman, she can do as she pleases.

In my situation, my family is 3000 miles away, so we alternate holidays, one home, one away. My MIL lives very close to us, so when we're home, she comes to our house, but when we go away, she's alone. It was hard at first and we always invited her to come with us, but she always declined. Oh well! She is free to make her own decisions just as we are. Now on the years that we're away, she joins friends or travels to another part of the country to see her parents. Your MIL will figure something out. You can't live your life and plan your holidays around pleasing her.

Best of luck to you!

Some folks just like small personal gatherings. Perhaps you could do both on holidays, have the small gathering at her house and the big one at yours. Invite her, but let her know she should do as she pleases. Tell her how much you miss your family on holidays and that you need to share the holidays with them too.

My advice is to not let the MIL manipulate you. It sounds to me like a child throwing a tantrum, so I say to handle it in pretty much the same way. When my 2 year old throws a tantrum over wanting a piece of candy, the last thing I will do is give him that piece of candy because it rewards the behavior. For years your MIL has had her bad behavior rewarded. It's like another poster said, be nice, invite her, but if she chooses not to come, that's on her and it is certainly not your or your husband's fault. She is an adult. Now, you just have to get your husband on board! hahaha

We usually split the holidays. Thanksgiving day is spent with his family and the day after (Friday) is spent with mine (who don't mind have Tday dinner a day late) so we actually get two meals. Xmas eve is very important to my family so we spend xmas eve and usually spend the night with my family so they get xmas morning too, but then we go to DH's family for xmas day (usually getting there around noon). If your DH can't convince her to join in the festivities with the other families, then maybe try some creative scheduling.

You are grown-ups, you have free will. She cannot "make" you do anything. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. Do it your way and invite her.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

I understand. I have the same battle. Is this occurring just at Thanksgiving or does it happen with other holidays as well? I have suggested to both my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law that we each choose a holiday and make it "our" holiday. Sister in law gets Christmas, I get Easter and MIL gets Thanskgiving. We still spend part of my Thanskgiving and Christmas with my side of the family,then head over to the other side of the family later in the afternoon. My MIL still pouts that we don't spend the whole day with her, but we do it anyway. It isonly fair that both sidesofhte fmaily get to see you and the kids. Good luck.

Sounds to me like it is your turn to spend the holiday with YOUR family.
You AND your husband need to be in this together.
Call the MIL and tell her where you are spending Thanksgiving, and kindly invite her, saying that you would all love to have her join you.
Period. Do not ask permission. You are doing nothing wrong.
Tell.
Invite.
Then enjoy your holiday, whether she attends or not.
I bet she shows up - and if she doesn't, your son will have a wonderful holiday, nonetheless.

Hi M.,
I would let you MIL know (or let your husband speak to her)that you have started your own family and would like to start your own traditions as a family. Make sure that you point out that you feel that it is important for you to include her in the "new Family tradition". It might make her remember when she and her husband were starting their own traditions... goo luck!
B. (o:

I would invite her to your home and if she declines, I would just have the dinner at your home. I would discuss with her the concept of alternating holidays between your house and hers.

Best of luck.

Hi M.,

This is a very touchy subject at my house too! But since I am actually reading somebody elses similar problem.. I now have a new prospective.

Your Mother-in-law wants a cozy occasion with just her kids. Does she get this opportunity often? Maybe at Easter or Christmas? Or does your famliy live too far away?

The best solution for us is to have every-other Thanksgiving her way and the other year your way. This will keep the peace!! I know it totally "stinks"....

My mom is also widowed and will not go to my in-laws on any holiday. She lives by herself and I am the only child who lives close. (my brother is in Oklahoma) So, if I do not include her, she is alone on the holidays. But then there is my other side of the family too... what is a girl to do? Make peace be your present to her. Do every-other year and this will soon be the norm... trust me, it will all work out.

Blessings to you...

You don't mention if your husband has talked to her about this. He might have some influence on her (or perhaps both brothers can talk to her at the same time). He might also have some clues as to how gatherings were managed in the past. If she is not too into the holiday festivities and is unwilling (or unable) to go to another site, perhaps you can have a dinner at the bigger place and dessert over by her. This can give her the option of joining a larger gathering and/or having a small role in it.

That sounds like it can be frustrating especially since you are opening your home and heart. I do know that some people get over stimulated with lots of people in the room and have a hard time thinking of things to say or even hearing things appropriately. It creates so much anxiety and stress that its not worth it. You mentioned she lost her husband, which in many ways could have been her comfort blanket to social situations. The holidays are a time to spend with your loved ones and she probably lost her greatest, long term love. It might be a painful time for her to be without her honey especially if she created great memories during that time with him.
I work with children with autism and I am not saying your MIL has it, but am saying that the characteristic exists. Have you tried having her over for a small meal without lots of people? That might help her feel more comfortable.

The message has to come from your hubby.... anything else could and would probably cause a great hurt and issue between the two of you forever. I know it would be a crazy idea, but what about doing two dinners? Yours earlier and hers later?? i don't know just trying to think of a copacetic way of getting around confrontation as I hate it myself. The other thought is just to tell her that you are really excited to use your new stuff and want to be able to make your family T-day dinner. She is more than welcome to come and if she wants to bring or not that's up to her. I would couch it that it's all about using your new gadgets and starting a new since it's your first "married" T-day.

LOL..well M., I feel for you. But if it was me. I would say fine...We are having Holiday Dinner at my house and we would be honored to have you join us. IF she turns you down...Let her enjoy her own company or go to a "senior" holiday function..If she doesn't live tooo many miles away. Take her some leftovers the next day...Sound harsh..yes..Sometimes you need tough love.

By the way..I am 62.

Good luck

Who gave her the control? Her needs are clearly more important to everyone, thus far.

Talk to your HUSBAND! Make a plan and stick to it. These are the times when you have to build the foundation to your OWN traditions. Assuming your husband is on board, and prepared for "the worst" invite everyone to your home and do it the way you want to.

Weather she shows up or not. Have it. Do not give in. Be GENTLE and accomodateing, does she need a ride? Go get her or if your home big enough to have her stay the night.

Approach her with excitement and confidence, "WE have a great idea, WE are going to host the holidays at our home, I am so excited to have you come HELP me and christen in my new kitchen!"

Be prepared, she may not want to come, but that is HER CHOICE. Allow for her to make it. You are not taking anything from her. You are providing for your family and including her in a loving and kind gesture. But you HAVE to have your husbands support. Maybe he and his brother can present it as a team. If she needs recognition, give it to her. For example, "you've been hosting us for years, let us host you."

It could go either way. Just remember that your families needs are just as important as hers.

Good Luck!

Decide what you want to do and inform her of your plans. Either do it at your house or your bro in laws and let her know that she is invited and can help/participate. but that you wil NOT be going to her house. Let her know that you appreciate everything she does for you but that this year you just want to change it up a little bit. Just tell her nicely what is going to be happening with you. Don't let her manipulate you or give you sob stories. This is just how life is. It doesn;t have to be the SAME every year. Good luck

You're recently married you say, so these are not people that feel like family yet to her. Maybe she doesn't like change. Maybe she's not good in social situations. Maybe you could butter her up a little by telling her how much it would mean to you if she got to know your family better by agreeing to have Thanksgiving with them. Maybe she's not wanting to give up the baton of hosing, it may make her feel needed and is a role she's played her whole life. Figure out whats driving her and work on it. Or rather, have your husband work on it, its his mother.
Tell her how much it means to you to host this year. She may understand that.

Invite her and if she chooses not to come then she will be alone. It is her choice. You have to create traditions that work for your family and although she is apart of it she cannot control it.

Invite her to spend the Holiday with you and your family at the place of your choosing. If she declines, wish her a Happy Thanksgiving and move on.