My parents are divorced and have been for 30 years. My father has been re-married for almost 29 years and my mother has been for about 15. My stepmother and mother STILL can't stand each other. Now that it's the holidays I find myself being pulled in too many directions. Due to lots and lots of very personal issues, I was never a part of my father & stepmother's holiday celebrations. Thankfully, that changed after I had children. I am my mother's only child, and my children are her only grandchildren.
Here's the problem:
Everybody and their brother thinks THEIR holiday celebration is the most important. If I don't spend the actual holiday with my mother, she gets mad. If I don't spend the holiday with my father, stepmother, brothers, sisters, etc; then they all get mad. I don't know what to do! Of course, every one eats at the same time. On Thanksgiving we are expected to be in two places at once. Last year we tried splitting the day, 1/2 with my mother and 1/2 with my father. Well, by the time we showed up at my brother's (father's side) every one was gone and all the food had been cleaned up. We wound up leaving because I had two hungry and tired kids. This year my mother already started with the guilt trips "Oh, I wish you could stay longer so we can play games after dinner. It's not fair that you leave here to go be with your father. Maybe dinner will be late this year." Last year the "lunch" wasn't ready until almost 2:30 and we were originally suppose to eat at noon. I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure that she did it on purpose.
As if that's not enough, I get grief from every one on my dad's side. They say things like "Oh, we'll all be together on Thanksgiving....except S.." and things like that. I just don't know what to do! I'd really like to tell them all to shove it and that I'll be spending Thanksgiving alone with my little family. I would love to be able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas at home instead of rushing around and feeling like no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy. I'm sure there's no magical solution here, but does anybody have any thoughts on how to keep from going bonkers this holiday season?
My husbands family never celebrates on the actual holiday, so at least we don't have to worry about that! :)
I like the idea of alternating holidays. The most stressful holiday is Thanksgiving since my Dad's side of the family doesn't get together on Christmas. My Mom always comes over here. I just have such a strange relationship with m y family. There's no way I could even begin to describe it here. I just hate letting my Mom down because I'm her only kid. We've always spent Thanksgiving day with her, so I feel really guilty changing it up. I think that next year I'll just explain to her that we want to be as fair as possible, so we'll alternate where we eat lunch. It was so weird because last year we went to my Dad's side for dinner & no one was there! Everyone had left already! I was totally shocked! Normally people hang out all day long! We've already planned to spend the day with my Mom this year. I think next year we'll do lunch with my Dad's side and dessert with my Mom's. It's about an hour drive, but that's not too bad. Usually the kids sneak in a nap during the drive. My husband pointed out that the holidays are suppose to be spent with family, so I need to focus on that instead of how much I hate getting out of my pajamas! :0)
Do what we started to do after dealing with all that. I fixed dinner and invited everyone. If they were there on time great if not that was their fault not mine. Hubby was also on the same track.
My husband and I starting splitting Thanksgiving once my son was born. We used to do early dinner at his sister's and dessert with my parents. Now that it's too much and too much distance for my kiddo, we alternate. It makes life MUCH easier! :) You should really consider it.
Or at least the early dinner and dessert thing.
We also decided that we will stay home at Christmas, which is really nice!! But we will probably stop that now that my son is a little older, he does love playing with his cousins!
Good luck and I hope you can work something out!
Trade off every other year. Fair is fair... Everyone will just have to get over it. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty.
If there is one thing I've realized it is: I drive my own ship. I am in charge of my social calendar and I have empowered myself to direct social obligations.
If you would rather not repeat the run around of last year, then tell the various parties that you felt manipulated and that your efforts under appreciated. I would tell everyone 1.) we choose to have Thanksgiving at home this year (or you will spend Thanksgiving with your father since you missed it last year; spend Black Friday shopping with your mom or do a repeat Thanksgiving dinner with her on Saturday); And 2.) choose one parent to see on Christmas Eve, the other gets Christmas.
Honestly, I would do exactly what you said you would. Spend it with your own little family. Tell everyone as soon as they can all grow up and be thankful for spending any time with you, then you will be happy to spend time with them, until then you want to create happy memories for your children, so you will spending the holiday at your home creating them.
You need to not worry about this for another minute. You just tell each side that you are going to start alternating the holidays. In other words, this year go to your mom's for Thanksgiving and next year go to your dad's. If you go to your mom's for Thanksgiving this year then you go to your dad's for Christmas - problem solved. Now that does not mean that your parents will be thrilled with the solution but you have your own family now that you do not need to instill bad feelings upon. The holidays are to be joyous, not ugly!
An additional concession you can make is if they do not like the alternating then the person who's year it is not can offer the holiday celebration on a different day so you can participate with them as well. Regardless you need to keep it in YOUR court, not theirs.
Good luck, I know it is hard.
DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!
Can I say that enough? Yes, your mom wants her baby there. Yes, your dad want the whole family together, but WHAT DO YOU WANT???? You can't make everyone happy so why try when you want to stay at home and not stress. Give an open invitation that if they want to stop by and say Merry Christmas then they can, but it's your family time.
Switch off-one year Thanksgiving -mom, Christmas-dad. Then the next year reverse it. Tell themt hat you are going to do this because it is just too hard on you and not at all fair to divide allegiances like that. They might even consider changing times to accomodate you if the don't want to lose you alltogether on a holiday.
Someday one of them will die and you will not have this problem. Happened to me and now I wish for the "problem" back. I didn't realize how nice it was spending holiday with family while I had it. Now it is just my family-yeah we have more time to ourselves on the holiday but I do miss the travelling and seeing everyone-much more than I ever thought that I would. Holidays are meant to be shared.
i would split it all up...father gets thanksgiving this year and mother gets christmas, then next year mother gets thanksgiving and father gets christmas.... then each gets their own time with you and your child...ironically you are getting all the stress from their divorce! i mean after all had they stayed together this all would be a mute point, right? maybe say that the next time they start in with the poor poor me pity party..... Harsh, but true... Best of luck to you and yours..
Dear Shaun-
I got married later in life...so I actually had this worked out BEFORE marriage and kids. My dad was in military, and both my mom and he had family in NY. No matter WHERE we were stationed, we (my sibs and I) went to NY for the holidays. I HATED IT!
When I got married and was expecting our first child...I invited anyone who could come for x mas day at our home. period. Xmas eve over the years we spent with the in laws...we had a 'second x mas' with MY parents sometime during the holidays. Those that wanted to come to 'us' on the day were welcomed.
Birthday celebrations have become much the same now...celebrated here and there (like a never ending birthday...lol).
The actual day we get together matters less than the spirit of the celebration...ya know?
Take care
michele/cat
Take turns within your family. Give your mom Thanksgiving and your dad Christmas and switch out (or not) every year. One important holiday per parent.
I think you already know the answer here. You said yourself that you can't make everyone happy, and it seems that in trying you are turning the holidays into a stressful, crazed, scheduling mess for everyone. Just stop. Sit down with your family, by which I mean your hubby and kids, if they are old enough to participate, and figure out what you would like to do for the holidays. Then do that. Don't accept any guilt from anyone. Take this opportunity to create some holiday traditions for your little family that your kids will remember when they are adults. Don't be afraid to be creative, sledding on Christmas Eve with your dad's family, shopping on the day after Thanksgiving with mom, and the actual holidays at home, for example. Host holidays at home and invite mom's family for one and dad's family for the other, if you want. You can figure this out so that you enjoy the holidays.
Good luck!
Ah, the holidays. Isn't nice when you're so wanted? My hubby and I both have parents who are divorced, so technically have 4 places to be each holiday. I know the temptation to just say forget it to everyone, but realistically you are probably not going to do that. Since you are the only child on your mom's side, can you talk to her about having dinner later in the afternoon, maybe 3-4pm? You can bribe her by saying that way she gets to have dinner with you guys, and you can stay after to play games because you will have already finished at your dad's. If not, then just alternate years. Since you missed dinner at your dad's last year, then tell your mom you will be eating there this year and will be with her afterwards, maybe for dessert? I know it is hard and makes the holidays so stressful. My hubby and I always try to remind ourselves that we are lucky to have family, and that so many people spend the holiday alone, so we don't want to take it for granted. Just try to relax, and keep your little family and your sanity as the priority. Hope it all works out!
I have the same issue, combined with a divorce myself , so the kids have more places to be than even I do. Finally solved the issue a couple of years ago, we stayed home, sat around in our jammies and watched the parade on Thanksgiving and had a great meal, played some games, and then sent the kids to their father. best Thanksgiving ever.
Two ideas:
1. have it at your place
2. alternate years and holidays with your mom and dad.
Providing happy memories for your kids should take priority, and I think you should do what you have to to protect that for them.
My parents, who got divorced right after I got married, fully understand that when they got divorced, they would have to split holiday and grandkid time.
I hope your folks come around and start being more reasonable.
GOod luck!
I would just switch it up every year and do what kids in divorced families have to do... one year it is Thanksgiving with dad, Christmas with mom and the next year, switch it up. You may never please both your parents, but you don't have to make that your problem.... and don't feel guilty about it either.
Since you are you mom's only child, would she be willing to move her Thanksgiving a day in either direction? Pitch it as 'Well, it would be great to be able to spend the WHOLE day with you without feeling guilty. Would you mind if we had dinner on such-and-such a day instead?' Do you think that's something she would go for?
Do what you said you'd like to do.
Be polite but honest and tell them that because you have to deal with the blended family situation THEY created and they refuse to compromise and work with you so that you can spend time with ALL the people you love without being pulled apart by them, that you will be spending thanksgiving and christmas at HOME, with your FAMILY and without the stress. Tell them you love them, and you will be happy to spend time with them the day before or the day after, but until they stop the drama and guilt, the day OF belongs to your husband and kids. Heck, maybe this should be your policy from now on... unless they grow up and help make it work.
Feel free to e-mail me directly for support if you need it :)
I think your families are acting immaturely and treating you poorly. All you are trying to do is spend time with everyone, and all they seem to be able to do is have sour grapes about what you do or don't do. I say YOU have the holidays, invite everyone, and let them come and be civil or stay home and pout. You do not deserve this!
Hi. I don't know your family, but I would consider staying home this year at your own home. Frankly tell them it is too stressful to be pulled in two directions. Then MAYBE they would learn to behave better. Of course, they might throw a bigger fit. At this point, it would see worth it to me as one is going to have another late lunch on purpose.
offer a brunch casserole(you bring) with your fathers family while they are cooking and then head to your mom's around 3...you have to do what feels good for you and your family if others don't respect that that is their issue not yours. Good luck!
Have a happy holiday!!
Stay home with your own family or tell the others they have to adjust their schedules so one eats a lot later than the other. They need to compromise if they want you there. Don't let them make you feel guilty!
How does your husband feel about all this? What would he like to do. Maybe the best thing to do is be honest with everyone and tell them exactly how you feel. Then tell them that this year, your immediate family is going to be the priority. Then if next year, everyone can work things out regarding time and guilt trips, then you'll try to go to the other places.
I totally feel for you. I would talk to your husband and kids and see what they want. They are your first priority anyway.
God bless! I pray you'll have some peace.
Flip a coin sweetie! Heads spend the day with one parent (Mom) or tails send the day with the other parent (Dad). Then on the weekend plan to invite the one that you didn't see on the holiday to your house for lunch & spend time visiting & playing games. This is what my family has done for the last 10 years since all of the grandkids have gone to other states to live & work. We have even gone as far as renting a hall for all of us to gather at. [Plus, we generally combine Thanksgiving & Christmas together.] This is neutral territory & heated words are not allowed; just fun & games. We do a penny auction & whoever is the host/hostess has a table of gifts for everyone to pick out & say what they are thankful to have that year. Gifts are never more than $1 or $2 each & brought at the dollar stores.
Oh & the guilt trip that the family plays on you, turn around is fair play. If they don't show up for your planned day to spend with them; let it be known to all & sundry that you are not loved by your folks! Go on & on about how you wanted to make a special day for one side or the other & they ruined it. And another thing, if stepmom & Mom can't stand each other; that's find, but they need to set their feelings aside for the kids sake & be a family. Everybody has someone in the family they can't stand; but they will set aside the bad feelings toward each other to be half way decent to each other for a few hours.
Next year, if it is financially possible; rent a place & invite your family to come & have fun. It doesn't have to be on the holiday; it can be the weekend before or after the holiday. And if any decide they would rather go on a trip instead of attending the to-do; then its their lost not yours. Let everyone on both sides know that you will be hosting the event, where it will be, what you expect them to bring [something for the penny auction or a gift, covered dish]. Then send a separate note to both parents & let it be known that you will not tolerate any meaness from anyone on that day. Then spend which ever holiday you want with just your little section of family!
You can't make everyone happy - so make yourself happy. If they don't like whatever you decide, they can suck it.
Honestly, you need to stop trying to please everyone because you're really pleasing nobody, least of all yourself. Decide something fair and rational and just tell everyone that it's what you're doing and that's that. Spend Thanksgiving with one side and Christmas with the other. Or spend both of them in your house with your little family. Or Plan to visit one on the day and one the weekend before or after. If you really want to have one crazy day and get it over with, you could tell your mom that at a certain time, you have to leave regardless of whether anybody's had any dinner. And then stick with it. If it's 2:00 and there's no food on the table, leave and deal your mom a guilt trip about having to feed your kids fast food on Thanksgiving before heading to your dad's. They're trying to make you choose between them and fighting their battles through you. They've probably done it your whole life to varying extents. And it's unfair to you and it's REALLY unfair to your kids.
My family and my husband's family both like to celebrate Thanksgiving the day off, but Christmas is usually a bit more flexible (but both sides are several hours away and away from each other, so there's no chance of everybody getting their holiday on the same day). When we had our son, I put my foot down and said that Christmas morning would be at our house with no exceptions. Thankfully, both sides have agreed to be flexible and work with us on getting our son to see all of his relatives. And I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell either or both sides if they give you a tough time that if they want to see you or your children, they'll take what you give them. You don't have to stress yourself and your kids out taking them back and forth. You do it because you want them to see their relatives. But if that's not an important goal for those relatives (if fighting is more important than seeing your kids) then why bother?
You're right there is no magical solution. My suggestion would be not to worry about anyone's feelings, but hubby's, yours, and your children.
My cousins had a roation solution of one Christmas with his family, one Christmas with her family, and one at home.
I just couldn't take dinner with the in-laws, said we would eat at 1:00, wouldn't put out appetizers until 1:30 and wouldn't eat until 4:00. I finally said no more... solution eat at home, go there for dessert, if it gets too late we'd leave.
Come up with a plan that meets your needs. For Thanksgiving, tell mom we'll be at your house from 10:00 to 2:00, tell dad we'll be at your house from 3:00 to 7:00. If mom decides she isn't serving dinner until 2:30, don't buy into the drama, just politely say we have other obligations and need to leave, thank you for having us. If possible, take some food with you or have some food in the car if need be. For Christmas tell them you'll be staying at home, but they are welcome to stop by and celebrate with you. They'll be upset, but they'll get over it.
I'm late to this post, so I'll be brief. Your own answer to your post is in the last paragraph (minus the shove it part, of course since they are family). "I'll be spending Thanksgiving alone with my little family instead of rushing around and feeling like no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy." You are an adult now, so why is everyone else making your decisions for you? And playing on you with guilt when you won't do what they decide you should do? The only way out of the drama is to refuse to play. Remember, you're making holiday traditions for your children now. Do you want them to have the memories of endless holiday drama?
hmmmm one year we (last minute) planned a trip to disney for christmas! lol that didn't fix having to go both places we still had to get together with both sides... which my dh says that is what holidays are all about and we need to appreciate everyone while they are still alive. I love getting together just hate all the planning and running.
this thanksgiving we are possibly "changing up" what we always have done. We have almost always gotten together with MY family at a pavillion in a large park nearby. Years ago we would do that and get together with his family, too! They have been going out of state the past 4-7 years and we decided this year to see if we can go, too!
I would suggest for you to tell her (when she says, "it's not fair") that neither was your divorce! Or say it wouldn't be this way if you two were still together... consequences!
I would say to start a new tradition of celebrating it with your kids and husband at a place of your choice - home or restaurant. The extended family can visit you, or do their own thing.
Why don't you do just that? Why don't you and your family just spend at least this year's holiday celebrations at your house? So what everyone will be upset, they seem to have no problem putting you between a rock and a hard place. Now that I have got that off my chest, I really want to add maybe it is time for you and your immediate family to start some new traditions.
My family now spends the holiday's helping out at homeless shelters, soup kitchens and food pantries. The kids are learning so much more and I'm trying to break the tradition of dysfunction. Yes family is important but balance is important too. What are you teaching your children when you are guilted into going some where or just go places solely out of obligation but not really out of wanting to be there. Yes there are times when we have to do what we don't want to do but does that have to include every holiday under the sun?
Create some new tradititions and so new habits and perhaps invite your entire family to grow up and join in. My family is full of inlaws and out laws and after about 30 years of being family married and divorced and born in we are all just accepting each other and getting along but we just pick and choose our battles and it is not so hard to find a common ground and get along.
You will likely hear complaints for a few years, until they realize you aren't changing your mind, then it will stop :) Been there, done that. For us, we find alternating holidays easiest. Under the radar, the siblings and I talk about it so we can try to ensure the kids will get to be together as well since they are also negotiating with their other sides of the family as well, THEN we let the parents know what is happening.
My husband is a physician, and ever since medical school after we got married, we learned how hard it was to try to spend time with both our families during the holidays. There is at least two hours between our families' houses, and throughout medical school, residency, and now, private practice, we've had to travel because we've lived far from our hometowns. It was always very tiring and stressful during the holidays because we were on the road, so much. After our first son was born (and we were living the furthest away from anyone at the time), we were the ones expected to travel to gatherings (except for a sister-in-law, I think). I remember receiving the guilt trip from my parents one year, and it felt horrible, but I think they finally realized that some years, we just can't make it because of my husband's profession. He's an OB/GYN, and he shares a practice with other doctors, but there's always the possibility he'll be on-call over the holidays, like this year. We're going to try to drive to both families' houses on Thanksgiving, even though we have a newborn. It'll be a lot of time in the car, but I have to remind myself that we'll have the weekend after to recuperate. Christmas is going to be tricky, though. Luckily, we can spread it out a bit, because my family celebrates the weekend before. Last year, because of my husband's job and his sister's schedule, we celebrated with his family at our house on New Year's Day. It was wonderful because we didn't have to go anywhere. Would that be a possibility for you? I know your separate families probably don't want to be there at the same time, but you can always make it an option. Just tell them the truth--that you're tired of feeling pulled in too many directions, and that it's time everyone came to you, for a change. For the past few years, we've celebrated Christmas morning by ourselves at home because we wanted to start some traditions with our son. You can always let your families know that you'd like to do something similar, and that you'd like to celebrate with them later or on another day. You can't control your parents' actions or thoughts or feelings, but you can stand up for yourself and let them know that it's time for a change. Hope that helps!
I havent' read the other responses, sorry if I repeat any of them.
How about celebrating at one house one year and the other house the next year and trade off every other year. That way you say this year is mom's year next is your's to your dad.
When we lived near my mom and MIL and her family, we did Christmas like this, we went a couple days before Christmas to his mom's. Between 2 and 4pm we left and came home, Santa came to our house that night. At noonish or so, Christmas Day, we would leave for my mom's and spend a couple days with her. We lived two hours from each of them.
They both started with the guilt trips, they both wanted to see the kids on Christmas morning and I put my foot down and said we were a family now and I would do my own Chirstmas, see you on whatever day we said we would be there.
Hi Shaun,
This can come about even without divorce situations. Sorry if I am duplicating here.
When my first kid was a baby, we went everywhere for holidays--we lived way out of town, sometimes we went to my folks', sometimes to hubby's sis, sometimes his bro. When our son started to be old enough to believe in Santa, and ask about how Santa could find him at Grandma's, we decided we wanted Christmas morning at our house. I think you have earned the right to Christmas morning at your own house!!
You can try hosting stuff yourself; or just make sure you have food for your kids so that whenever you wind up at someone's house, they have something to eat.
Maybe have Thanksgiving at your house but not on the day itself, so people can come and see you?
Not an easy situation. Good luck!
K. Z.
My questions to you: Were you really put on this earth to appease everyone? Whose memories of these days are most important to you? What parts of this situation can you control?
Even the best diplomats can't please everyone if no one is willing to compromise. And even in international politics, the children very often get screwed in situations without compromise. Kudos to you and your family for running around stressed trying to make the days a bit brighter for a bunch of adult children (because it certainly sounds like your parents are acting childish) - 2 competent adults should have this sharing thing down pat after 30 years.
While you can't control what everyone outside your household does, says, or feels, you can make sure you, your husband, and your kids have wonderful memories of the holidays without having to deal with something that sounds like a bitter custody battle. It has to not be pleasant for your husband to see you stress over this, it has to be hard for your kids to understand why, for those special days, everyone just can't get along, and it is obviously not fun for you.
I can see a few options, depending on your resources. You could invite everyone (all your family and your husband's - so he doesn't feel left out, plus I would hope your family would play nicer if his family were present) over for the days; those who choose to come have to play it nice, those who don't can't complain because you gave them the opportunity to see you after giving them the chance to share the days. Now that your head has stopped spinning from that first suggestion (it makes my own head hurt), you could alternate years/holidays (again offer to include your husband's family if they changed their celebrations to accommodate you); if your husband's family doesn't change their habits, let your mother's family see you at Thanksgiving this year and Christmas next year, and your father's side see you at Christmas this year and Thanksgiving next year. Or you could really tell them all to shove their guilt trips somewhere else and you are staying home and enjoying the days at home and relaxing for the children (maybe set up an open house like thing for a few hours for local family). Let whoever gets mad get mad; they'll get over it and your household will have happier memories of these special days for it.
Good luck!
You answered your own question when you said "I'd really like to tell them I'll be spending Tday and Christmas with my own little family". That my dear is how simple it really is. Just say it, they'll get over it, and they will get used to it if you choose to do it that way from here on out.
I rarely travel the holidays.... I get it all over with before hand by visiting a month or two prior to "the season" and saying "Well, we wont be coming for Thanksgiving Day/Christma this year because of la tee dah. So you came, you visited and you conquered. If they are too far away to fit in a nice visit before the holiday they just have to settle with a phone call or a card letting them know that "We will so miss you this year, but our schedule is busy and hectic and we just want really want to stop the travelling madness and start staying home from now on." Just be honest Honey, it IS okay.
I have 3 suggestions:
1) I know it's a pain, but start hosting Thanksgiving (and maybe even Christmas too). This way, THEY will come to you and you won't have to shlep your hungry kids anywhere. Have your parents come at different times so your mother and step mother won't be in your house at the same time. Or, maybe one of your parents and their spouse can come for the meal, and the other set comes just for dessert, and switch it every year to be fair. There is no easy solution with divorce situations, but this way, no one can be mad at you, since you are hosting!
2) Go out of town on holidays, if possible. Take a 3 hour road trip somewhere - anywhere and say you just want to have a quiet holiday season with your little family. That's all you need to say. You don't ever owe anyone an elaborate explanation.
3) Better yet - MOVE!!! If at all possible, that is what I would do (and did). This way, you will avoid everyones' nonsense and BS!! Move far away and let all of your dysfunctional family members deal with each other in their own toxic ways!!! This way, you will have wonderful holidays with your own nuclear family and stay out of the insanity!
When I was first married we had this problem. Only it across states, which actually made it easier. We alternated years. You could spend dinner with one family and dessert with the other. Every other year going to your father's event first, and then your mother's. Its too bad they don't get along, or your mother could go too. When my children were little I refused to go anywhere Christmas morning - and drag kids away from their new toys. Alternate Thanksgiving. Stay home for Christmas, and invite everyone to stop by on Christmas at your house for an "open house" in the afternoon and evening. Or invite them for Christmas Eve. Invite your mother to spend the day. Start a new tradition. Don't let your mother guilt trip you into always going to her house first. You also need to start traditions for you own children.
You cannot make everyone happy and the first thing you will learn that creates less stress for yourself is realizing that.
I personally love all of my relatives but it's humanly impossible to be with everyone so I just have to do what makes us happy. Not even so much about happy...but less stressed and worried.
Holidays are supposed to be a time to enjoy and I frankly don't buy into all the rushing and hub bub and this person wants this or that.
I want a happy memory with my own kids and nuclear little family even if it's staying in our jammies and cooking and not going anywhere at all.
Some years it's just easier that way.
It can be hard with blended families, but it's so weird that sometimes they can be the least understanding if they expect you to choose sides.
Just choose to stay home if you want.
It's not the end of the world. Your family will figure that out.
Best wishes.
Huh. My in-laws are divorced. Similar situation. Divorce of long standing but MIL really doesn't want to be in her ex's company if it can be prevented. But from my outsider's perspective, she is utterly justified. And my DH also doesn't have a lot of sympathy for the occasional snarky complaints from his father. Cheating and being sucky father are the gift that keeps on giving.
Flat out tell your mom to serve lunch at 12:00. Tell her you will be there from 11:30-3:30 and then leave at exactly 3:30.
Flat out tell your dad, you will be there at 4:00 and no sooner. Either they can change their plans from a lunch gathering to a dinner gathering or you can just tell them you will be there for dessert with a smile on your face.
If neither side wants to help keep gratitude at the center of the holiday, then next year, hold the holiday at your house and start making your own family traditions.
I have to go through this now that I move two states away from my mom and step family as well as from my husband's family. We were transfered. My dad and step mom and sisters live in WI the rest live in MO. We used to travel to my inlaws on Thanksgiving and to my mom's the Friday after because that is the way that my step dad's divorice was set up he got the kids on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Well long story short I have a 7 year old and MO is just too far to go for the Thanksgiving weekend. So we are staying here and my dad, step mom and half sister are comming here I am hopping that my real sister and her husband and 3 kids come with them but not sure that they will.
Usually for Christmas we go to my dad's. However this year we are going to MO and hopping to spend time with my family as well as my inlaws and the rest of my husband's small family.
I would say trade off each holliday or each year.
Or like some one else said even if your mom and step mom still can not be in the same house you hold the events there and maybe just plan on different times to invite the two families. I feel sorry for you I am lucky that my mom and step mom and dad and step dad all get along.
It is a shame that everyone is putting themselves first. It is what they want.
I have four kids. When they married and had girlfriends/boyfriends (keep
in mind I am dealing with a firefighter, nurse,
manager of horse farm, and one that works normal hours) I just say to
them, talk amongst yourselves and see who is eating where when and just
let me know when you will be here and for what. It works. I appreciate
the time we get no matter when. However, I always do Christmas Eve
and if one cannot make it because they need to be with other family,
I do not get crazy. I think it is because I used to be you. Running around
trying to please everyone. Good luckI
Here is what we do. we had a similar experience with my parents and his parents...everyone whats us around. Problem is that it ends up being you spending MOST of the time in the car trying to please people that are never really pleased. you have 2 options. If they are doing lunch that is suppose to be at noon....tell them in advance "we need to leave at 2" and if lunch is not ready, then leave. Neither parties are respecting your time or your kids. its like they are using you all as a pawn in their childish games. The other option which is what we do, is Thanksgiving is with 1 family and Xmas is with the other...then next year...switch it. You can deliver the news to them in a positive way by saying "we feel like we dont get quality time with the family and driving from moms and dads is harder on us to be in 2 places because our minds and bodies are elsewhere...we would like to just be here for the WHOLE DAY" however that means that for Xmas, we will be at the other house the whole day...and next year we will switch". Its FAIR so if they piss and moan, you need to ignore them...if they keep it up remind them about the agreement
Good luck..its never fun because now on the holiday that i am to be with the other family my cell phone blows up with wanting to talk about every 30 mins..I just turn my phone off.
I know this sounds funny but I think I would choose to go to your mothers. It shouldn't matter that now that you have children you see your father. IF you have always gone to your mothers continue to go. As for Thanksgiving maybe you could cook a ham or something the week before or after and have them over. But them guilt tripping you saying "we'll all be together except for Shaun" is b.s. They spent plenty of holidays together without you and they need to realize that your not going to make your mother spend the holidays alone. Or you can always eat at mom's and spend a few hours but tell her we are leaving at 4 so the earlier lunch is done the more time we can spend and then drop in for a visit with the other family. This is something that can be worked out one could do lunch at noon the others can do dinner at 5. If they don't like it tell them that your sorry but thats the only way you can be there.
I'm one of four so it's tough to coordinate with that many adult kids, their inlaws and kids so my mom "gave up" Thanksgiving years ago. We all have Thanksgiving with the in-laws on Thursday then travel the 4 hrs to my mom's house on Fri night so we can have a full fledged Thanksgiving on Saturday. My parents go out to eat or eat with friends on Thursday and the Turkey everything is on Sat.
Hope that might help.
Just tell them that you are spending Christmas Eve/Day at home with your own family. And then get together for the big family celebrations the weekend before or after. It's not a big deal. It's what our family/extended does. We celebrate with my parents a few days before Christmas (everyone - my sisters/brothers & their families, grandparents, parents, etc). Sometime the week after Christmas, we get together with my in-laws at one huge party. No one has a big party on the actual day - everyone is home with their own kids!
For Thanksgiving, have 1 family dinner on Friday and have 2 turkey dinners. There have been plenty of times when have it on Friday because my 1 sister & family are spending Thanksgiving Day with her in-laws. Or just don't get together on Thanksgiving. We rarely see any of my in-laws on Thanksgiving (almost all of them are a good 8-14 hour drive away) but that's OK. No one expects us to spend every holiday with every family member -- that's just insane and impossible!
Spend the actual holidays at home if you want. Invite others to your house (if you want). I think they are being childish and selfish -- and personally I wouldn't want my children around family members who act like that, talk about bad role models. Most people spend Christmas at their house once they have children of their own.
It is time for you to assert your independence in this situation.
YOUR little family comes first...be polite and decide that you will celebrate in your own way, and establish your own traditions....if anyone starts with the negative B.S., say that you are sorry they feel that way, and immediately hang up or walk out. You have put up with this immature and controlling and thoughtless and selfish behavior for far too long as it is...do NOT argue etc. Offer to see them later in the day (no meal involved), or invite them over for dessert and coffee...put the ball in their court so that they have to make the decision as to whether or not they want to celebrate with you...why should you and your children be subjected to such inconsiderate behavior every holiday? What kind of memories do you think that will make for them? Are those the memories that you want for them and for yourself? The time to change is 2010!
Hi there~
I know this is an older post an all but wanted to respond.
Would it be possible to do the holidays at your house? Everybody could still be invited and it would be (at least somewhat) on your terms. All guests should know the invitees in advance so those that choose to attend are not surprised by other guests. It would be up to the guests to knowingly accept and attend (meaning get over any differences for the day) or just not come over.
It sounds like you already have this worked out but in the event issues arise with your new arrangement, maybe this could be an alternative.
Happy Holidays! :-)
