How Do You Split Time Between Families on the Holidays?

If it works, do not rock the boat.

Every family is different. Because every family has different expectations. There is not a "best way" just lots of different ways.

Thanksgiving we always did brunch at one, dinner at the other.

Kind of strange that out of two families neither does Thanksgiving dinner. If that were the case for me I would have Thanksgiving dinner at my house and invite them all.

My DH and I split the holidays. One year we go to my family for Thanksgiving and his family for Christmas. The next year we go to his family for Thanksgiving and my family for Christmas. Works great! (We do get together earlier in the month with the family who has an "off" year for Christmas to exchange gifts.

If you are both okay with your arrangements then there is no reason to change that just because you are now married. Stick with what works :)

Do what works for YOUR family...ie you, your husband and child. If going in different directions works best for you, great! The only expectations on you are the ones you place on yourselves. Seriously, just do what works and don't give it another thought.

...and enjoy the food - sounds great!

You seem to feel that there is some rule, somewhere, dictating what is "expected" of a married couple at Thanksgiving. There isn't. You were a couple before and had your own arrangement that worked for you as a couple. You are the same couple now that you are married. So the arrangement should still work, right?

Are you worried somehow that your family, or his, will now expect you both to stay for every minute of "their" Thanksgiving now that you are married? If they have any sense, the fact of your marriage shouldn't affect the arrangements at all.

I believe you're over-thinking this and stressing yourself over what isn't an issue at all, unless members of either family start fussing at you for not doing just one family or the other's Thanksgiving. If that happens, just smile and say, "Well, the way we've worked it over the years is working well for us both and we think we'll keep it that way."

You got married -- you didn't have an operation to get joined at the hip! :-)

Way back when we were first married we started alternating. Actually, it was my MIL who thought of it. This year is Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. That doesn't mean we don't or won't spend time with the other family, it's just the primary time/day.

We also started, before our kids were born, that we are home, in OUR home on Christmas day. Our kids are now 22 and 18, but they got to be home with their stuff and enjoy Christmas as home.

This has worked for us and it's going on 26 years. ;)

Sometimes marriage demands the start of new traditions, and letting go of old ones. You're married with a child, which means that the three of you are the Core family and you should be together, not split up.

You could do an every-other-year trade-off: your family one year, his the next. This is the simplest and easiest option.

You could host Thanksgiving and invite both sides of the family, if you have the space and ability.

You could celebrate Thanksgiving on alternate days to spend time with each family. No law says you have to do it on that Thursday.

Haven't read your responses but this is a common question here. We've been married for 20 years. From day 1, we decided that we would alternate holidays with our respective families. One year we have Easter with say my family and Thanksgiving with his. Christmas Eve is always spent with my family because it's our biggest holiday together. Christmas Day is spent with his family. We also alternate which household hosts the particular day. Our parents are getting older so my sisters and I usually Host most holidays now. His family mixes it up a bit but we try to take turns Hosting.

I've never understood why people with their OWN families make themselves crazy by running around to different houses on the same day. It makes no sense. Our parents have always been reasonable enough to understand that although we'd like to see them on every holiday, it's just not possible. We make adjustments for circumstances as in the death of DH's father a few years ago. I gave up spending Thanksgiving with my family that year and hosted Christmas for DH's family. You have to do what works for your immediate family and give your children memories in your own home too.

Things like should always be evolving.. Used to be we had xmas eve at my husband's cousins and then xmas day at our place.. Now, they longer do xmas eve but instead, started doing Thanksgiving. We still do Xmas.. However, lately..... I don't mind giving it up :):) it IS a lot of work.. we have one cousin who once hosted Easter but that was it.... so that holiday is usually up in the air..

good luck... maybe begin to rotate the holidays.. or just keep an open-mind and you never know.. maybe other people might feel like you do but are afraid to speak up?

have fun in whatever you do :)

What ever works for you is fine. We used to go to his family's celebration then my family's. I always felt bad because his uncle worked so hard to make a feast and we would only eat a little bit knowing we were going to my mom's house. Mean while my husbands grandmother would want us to eat more, the way GM do:). Then we would get to my mom's house and we wouldn't be all that hungry since we already ate. Not really fair to my mom either since she worked for 2 days to prepare the meal. So... Now we just go to my mom's:). We go to his mom's on Christmas Eve though then everyone comes to our house on Christmas. This works great for us and we haven't had a disagreement about holidays in years.

Do what works best for you. It's just one day out of the year.

I kind of wish I had an issue like this. Our parents are all deceased, one adult child is in California and the other is a Muslim (doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving), so it's just me, my ex, and our 10 year-old daughter. She's never experienced the big, extended, family gatherings that I had when I was a child.

Can you invite his family to your grandparents? Tell them to bring dessets and drinks. I think a G. would rather a house full than to lose you and your family.

They probably won't stay but an hour past the meal.

I, too, prefer family gathering at a home vs a restaurant, but he deserves to have time with his family--so try to see if you can make you both happy by inviting them over (but contributing to the meal).

If everyone is happy with the arrangement... then don't change it!

Keep doing what works for you. Don't fix what isn't broken is my philosophy. Being married has nothing to do with what the two of you decide to do.

You don't need to change just because you got married. DH and I have spent Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his family since we were in grad school. Back then the families lived only 45 minutes apart so we also got to see our own for part of the trips. Now they live far apart and it is one trip for Thanksgiving and a separate one on Christmas. We got married 6 years ago after our son was born (Dec 25). We still spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas/DS birthday with his. No plans to change.

You need to do what is best for you and your family (meaning you, hubby and son), which sounds like it's how things are now. No need to change it, even if someone in his family says something. No way I'd go to a crappy restaurant if I had yummy homemade food instead, especially if it seems like a formality.

My dad has kids from a previous marriage that are much older than we are from his 2nd. We spread out Christmas celebrations, so I grew up with the understanding that the holiday DAY wasn't as important as the time with family. So spend the thanksgiving day with your family because that tradition is solid and loving. Then see if you can start a little one with his parents off you both want it. If you want to cook for them, go for it. If you want to go to a restaurant, do that. If you want to go bowling, do that. Being flexible about the dates, especially if you live close enough to go to both, means you don't have to alternate.

We usually have dinner with my mother-in-law on the Sunday and my brothers family on the Monday for Thanksgiving. Christmas we do Christmas Day dinner with my brothers family and Boxing Day dinner with my mother-in-law. You could also alternate years between the two families, or host the meal yourself and invite both families.

Thanksgiving we go to Iowa and spend it with my husband's side of the family (we celebrate both Thanksgiving and Xmas with them at that time). So far, we still make a traditional Thanksgiving feast (though I suspect with his mother getting older that that will soon be changing). It's been that way now for 15 years. His mom didn't care one way or another which holiday we came home for, so we go to Iowa for Thanksgiving/Xmas and Minnesota for Christmas (we're coming from Wisconsin). We go together, as a family. This year, we're going to MN the weekend of Dec 14-16. That way, we'll be home in WI as a family ourselves for Xmas Dec 24-25.

As others have said, you need to do what works for you. This works for us. With Thanksgiving and Xmas so close together, there is no way we have the time, money, or stamina to drive to two states/two families in both Nov and Dec. Nope. Won't happen. I suspect as the nieces and nephews keep getting older and graduate high school that the annual get togethers will then become less and less. We make the trip now because everyone is still young. Notice that no one makes the trip to Wisconsin for either Thanksgiving or Xmas. If we hosted, we'd have no visitors, as no one is interested in coming our way. Soon, we will probably be done doing the drive/always being the ones to go home. But at the moment, we still do. Because if we don't go home, we're only spiting ourselves, because everyone else still gets together. So as long as there are still young ones, we'll go. But we're definitely looking forward to the day when we don't need to do the driving.

Do what works best for you! We split holidays, because my family is 4 hours away. This year we're going there for Thanksgiving. We'll do a Thanksgiving lunch at my mom's mom's house, then dinner with my dad's family at his mom's house. I love it. I get to see all the family.

If we stay here for Thanksgiving, his mom puts on a spread, although I think she's not doing it this year because her husband is sick, so BIL is doing it at his house.

For Christmas, we'll do Christmas Eve at my MIL's house, then Christmas day his brothers will come over after we do presents to hang out and watch as many Christmas movies as possible in a day. We would usually go to my family's on the 26th, but my sister is getting married Jan 5th, so we'll go down then.

If we spend Christmas down with my family, we do something usually the saturday or sunday beforehand with his mom and brothers, then we spend Christmas eve at my dad's mom's house and Christmas day with my mom's family at her mom's house. I like it and it works for us.

We don't have to split time anymore as my in laws moved out of state while my parents still live here but when everyone was still local we would do one family the day before and one the day of any holiday. Typically his parents got the actual holiday because that was the day his brother got off and could do the couple hour drive down. My family will sometimes even be a week later if m brother and SIL go up to her family on the holiday. Heck, we've had Christmas in mid January sometimes!
To us, the calendar date means nothing in comparison to spending time with family.
Is it possible that your husband's family could consider a different day? Or, if you have no choice see if the meal time can be changed somewhere. Let your husband know how important it is to you that you spend time with your family and how unhappy you are with the arrangement. Tell him some special stories about years past to really drive your point home.

What works for you works for you, but I would look at it as putting in time with his family with your son, not just about the food. I don't always like chatting with my ILs over KFC, but I do it for general family harmony. In our family, we trade holidays. My family gets Christmas with my aunt and his gets Thanksgiving hosted here (I don't like the aunt that hosts and bailed on that activity years ago). The family got over it. Could you make it that you go to one event or the other every other year?

I think it would be a good idea to try to do both, but maybe one side can shift what time the meal is? For example, when my husband and I started dating, things worked out really well and easily for us regarding Thanksgiving. My family had always done a lunch, and his had always done a dinner, so we could do both and still be ready to eat at both of them.

I get that they don't do things the same way as most people, but you are family. Like I said, maybe see if one side would be willing to shift what time they eat so that you would be able to spend some time with both families and still have the opportunity to eat with your family.