Terrible Threes? - Highland Park,NJ

Oh M.
the amount of sugar you're giving him is low. so don't feel bad. anything that can get him potty trained, right?
also, when my girls started terrible twos (to this day i remember when it exploded and i think that scarred for life) someone said, this is nothing, wait for the terirble threes.
i was like, whatever.
yeah, 3s came and it was even worse. at 3 they had the language, the attitude, and the whine that they willingly carried into the 3s.
my advice, which i didn't do, is nip it in the bud. like i said i didn't but wish i had introduced the time out corner or sending them to their rooms or taking the favorite toy until they earned it back
good luck

My nephew is the same exact way right now. The Dr. said that if you didn't really have the "terrible 2's" that it will spread over to the age of 3!!! Perfectly normal.

Hello~
My daughter went through something very similar right when she turned two. She has never been a difficult child, so this was a big change for her and for us. My husband and I found the only thing that worked to curb her defiance was to set rules and guidelines for her that she veered away from them, she would lose her cartoon or bedtime story or something else that really mattered to her. These rules were not flexible - in fact, we were much more strict then we wanted to be - and we found that worked best. After about 3-4 months, she came out of the phase and is back to her charming self. The byproduct of this is now we have rules in place that she is clear about so we have very few disciplinary issues. Good luck!

Hi Mira,

Your sweet, shy, and hilarious child is 3. The "threes" is a wonderful, exploritory age for children! They are at the beginning stages of developing into "little people"...testing out different expressions, emotions and gestures that they've picked up along the way. It is not uncommon to see 3 year olds demonstrating what they've learned from various environments- both good and not so good. This is not a reflection on you at all, but a combination of all the elements they are exposed to. You want this! It is part of development, and we as parents are responsible for showing the child the appropriate time for each set of emotions and/or expressions. Being angry isn't a bad emotion, and acting anger out is OK, as long as it's called for (you as the parent will know when it's appropriate). In your case, I would try to redirect him to another situation - bring him into another room to show him something he likes (changing his emotions). Also, little treats of persuasion is fine - as long as it's not overdone. Try colored MnMs..one or two each time potty is successfull - a different color for each day. If he goes to potty 3 times a day - it's 6 MnMs...Not so bad and it works for us! Good Luck,

Chris
Little Village Daycare/Learning Center
Owner

I'm a mom of a toddler and an infant (2 & 6 months) as well as a F/T working mom, a mental health therapist in fact. I can tell you that this is a very important developmental stage PSYCHOLOGICALLY more than anything. There are so many theoritcal bases that would explain your son's shift but I don't have time to get into all that. What I can tell you is that I appreciate your self refelction on recent changes but the most important one is that you are pushing the potty training. For several reasons. One of them being that children need to be (especially boys, again, deep theoritcal basis) psychologically ready to potty train- not as important is the physical/gross motor component. It "means" something to potty train, along the nature of a sub-conscious demand they feel that they are now expected to be on their own (again, bear with it b/c it is not logical to an adult but it is in the subconscious mind of a toddler). They experience strong ambivalence about this and That is the nature of the anger you are seeing. Most major milestones bring this up, such as when he learned to walk for instance. Do you recall how that was for him? Did he become more anxious at seperations then, more clingy, etc. ? totally normal. May be hard for you to remember because they overcome it and b/c they are younger then the ambivalence isn't as dramatic. Anyway, really gotta run but just know it's normal and what you need to do is support him emotionally, Both his need to pull away and his need to still be a baby. Hope it helps, you can contact me if you'd like. -N.

Good morning mom, what comes to mind is that expression is an art form. For example, i find myself using analogy (s) to get across painful reality. Those who know me accept it, others wonder? However, through humor i've found that you can break the ice of any tandrum etc., use your instinct and find out by use of crayons, paint, drawing paper and a sit-down between you and your son. You may be very surprised at what may become of this encounter. I can hear the elders saying... 'patience is a virtue.' don't be afraid to try different things until you see his smile return. Mo'blessings!

I have read the responses and one thing no one mentioned is to try to anticipate the outbursts and deflect him before he becomes so angry. For instance if he asks for a snack close to dinner, explain to him that the rule is no snack before dinner. Then ask him to help you set the table, fetch potatoes or napkins or do some other helpful thing. 3's love to help and feel important. Then the next day be sure he has had a snack well before dinner so he isnt hungry.
As to potty training, you must set a schedule and stick to it. Forget the rewards. Do you reward him for sitting in his car seat or high chair? Tell him to sit for 5 minutes every hour. Then tell him he is a good boy and let him go play. You should also be able to recognize the signs that he is about to go. They usually hold themselves or do a little dance. For bowel movements they usually hide under a table or in a corner. So if he is quiet and hiding make him go to the toilet. When he does go tell him hes a big boy and goes potty like daddy and let it go at that. The more fuss, the more mystery and rebellion surrounds it.

More disciple and more time with mommy. This worked wonders for us.

The discipline isn't about punishment but about letting the kid be able to predict his environment/ situation so he can feel in control over it. If you are consistent with discipline it is actually soothing for the kid b/c they know what to expect (the world is a scary unknown big place); if not then the kid can't predict consequences and is genuinely understandably surprised and upset when there is a negative consequence for behavior that at another time was fine to engage in.

The time with mommy is important b/c they don't know that that is what is bothering them. They don't have the capacity to understand "I'm feeling lonely now b/c my mommy is not spending quality time with me and I am acting out b/c I can't get what I really want-her affection." When I increase the time I spend time with my daughter (which is not easy) she is a lot more well behaved.

Good luck.

Can't help you regarding the tantrum, but both of my boys were almost 4 before they potty trained and I tried everything like you are doing. Nothing I tried worked and they eventually got out of the diapers. It was a long haul, but just wanted to assure you that they didn't go to college in diapers. I saw a Dr. Phil show last week about the same thing and he said it was the one thing the child was in control of and the mom was threatening the kid that he couldn't go to nursery school. He said he didn't want to go, so I was wondering if that is why he wasn't potty training. Anyway, it got me thinking that maybe my boys didn't go potty because they were trying to control some situation similar to that. Just wanted to give you something to think about. Hang in there and good luck!

You already got plenty of good advice here. But I wanted to say you are not alone--my son is 3 and 3/4's still defiant and still not potty trained (after nearly 18 months). Yes, he got a baby sister and started preschool and gave up his nap in the last year but still the defiant, uncooperative behavior is so unpleasant and exhausting. Also, a really good book to read is Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie. There are a lot of good parenting books available but this one is good because it is an easy read and is full of many practical discipline tools. I just re-read it to stay on track. The techniques do work but sometimes I feel like I spend all my time on discipline--either explaining what is expected or giving consequences (time out for him or his toys mostly). Presumably they will outgrow this and move on to some other stage soon.

First, you didn't do anything to induce this new behavior. Actually, from a developmental standpoint it's wonderful! He's learning how to use his words and playing with emotions. At this age, he does not have the emotional vocabulary to respond to your questions, especially if he is upset.

Couple of suggestions... treat the symptoms to eliminate the behavior. At this age, being removed from the activities is torture, so use a time-out method. Have a designated seat that is away from the "fun", but still supervised. Set a timer and put him in time-out when he's defiant. At this age 2-3 "real minutes" is enough, as long as he has calmed down. No getting up until his emotional level is back to a reasonable level.

I would also suggest that you start building his emotional vocabulary. Identify his feelings as he is experiencing them, including the positive ones. "I see that you are very excited about having hotdogs for dinner. I'm glad to know you like them." or "I can see that you are frustrated b/c you can't get the toy to work. Would you like help?"
This will help him to better respond when you ask what's wrong.

This too shall pass.. be consistent and articulate and try very hard not to lose your cool.

M., it looks like you've gotten some good and varied advice already, but something in your post is sending up huge red flags for me. Rewarding him with vitamins? Vitamins are not candy and are not a treat. If he is a poor eater, then he should get a vitamin and it is not a reward, it is part of his health care. Are you feeding him multiple vitamins a day? If so, please stop right away. Vitamins are like drugs, medicine - you can overdose on them. The fat soluable vitamins stay in your body and overdosing can cause things such as damage to the organs. Vitamins are not meant as a treat.

I don't think terrible twos are just during the 2nd year...From other moms and my own experience they start before 2 and they go on well into the 3's 4's. Sounds like your son has just hit a new stage - I would maybe eliminate the sugar though and see if that helps at all and check his sleeping/eating schedule - is he on track with that, do you need to make changes? Otherwise sounds like he's a typical toddler! : ) My son is super strong willed, gets very angry at times but on the flip side when he's good, he's the absolutely best. He's just intense on all levels, never just a mild mannered happy medium...but I try to tell myself during tough times that he's got a great personality and will be an interesting adult one day! He's already and interesting child!

I found 3 to be much harder than 2 with my daughter. They are so much more verbal yet emotions are still very hard to express. Emotions are so overwhelming and there is a new sense of independence emerging that itensifies everything. I wish I had good advice but you just have to muddle through it with your son. Praise any time he uses his words without a tantrum and try to minimize attention to the tantrums or bad behavior. Good luck!!

M., My son is 2 1/2 and I am going thru the same thing. He is just so angry. He is very verbal for his age but if he doesn't get what he wants, or sometimes for no reason, he starts hitting and kicking and throwing things. My 6 year old is usually his biggest victim. We try time outs, taking things away, talking to him, hugging him, ignoring him- my husband and I want to give up somedays. He has sugar, though I wouldn't say daily. If you think sugar is a problem, try stickers for rewards, or a story, crayons- something else. Re. what's putting them in bad moods, I think being a toddler is what makes them angry. It is very frustrating at times, even just being at the supermarket, my son wants to be picked up so he can see what's going on. My daughter was a tough kid- not angry like this, but had her tantrums and now that she's 6 they definitely have subsided. It will take time for them. I hope you find some good advice from others, and if you find something that works- let me know :).

I know you already got a lot of good advice. I just wanted to say in all my experience with children (my own and working in pre-schools), 3 is often worse than 2... they are older and smarter and really trying to assert their independence. And, they are testing you to see what they can get away with!!

I have three children ages 15,5 and 3 and in my opinion they should re-name the terrible two's to the terrible three's... All of my children acted up at age three and not at age two as "expected"... consistency is the key and to not let them get out of hand right now.. Good luck.