Is This Early Terrible Twos??

I call the terrible twos, "the terrible one and a halves." Both my daughter and my son started the same type of behaviors at that age. I don't mean to disappoint you but it could last until she's 3.

Toddler tantrums....fun! fun! I give my toddlers choices (keep it simple....you can't have a cookie, but you can have a banana or a graham craker). Try not to give into demands when she is whining or screaming....tell her to ask nicely, and when time outs are needed, set a designated spot and try not to use their crib, sometimes that can lead to them feeling like bedtime/naptime is a punishment and they will not want to go in their crib. Good luck.....fun times:)

Our son would do this too & I would give him quiet time until he calmed down (in one spot). When he wouldn't sit & stay, I would sit with him & have no verbal interaction with him unless necessary. Once he was calmed down, I would say (for example) "Are you upset because mommy tried to take off your shoes?" (At this point, verbally he could tell me yes & no) If he would say yes, then I would ask if we was upset because he wanted to do it himself. If that was the case, I'd let him try. Just ask simple questions, and let her know that you understand she's upset because you tried to take her shoes off, but we need to take our shoes off before going to bed. As far as the hitting -- in our house hitting meant instant time out. No warnings, and no excuses.

I find the best way to move toward a positive, respectful way of meeting your child and finding win-win solutions is to back up a few steps from the behavior/situation and do the following:

* Notice the thoughts you are having about your child and the situation and see if there might be a more positive way to reframe things. A few pop out from your question:
- "I expect my child to go through a 'terrible' stage": I know people sometimes say this only half seriously, but words powerfully create our experience and people pretty much live up to your expectations of them. So instead you might shift to "How assertive and independent she's becoming. How can I help her feel powerful and independent while maintaining respectful boundaries?" Also make a list of all the positive aspects you see in your child and choose to focus on those.
- "I need to teach her not to hit": Instead try "I'd like to help her find ways to manage her big emotions while keeping her and others safe." and "How can I anticipate and prevent potentially explosive situations so as to set her up for success?"
- "I need to teach her 'no means no'": This might work for a dictator but doesn't do much for family relationships. Consider "I want to model consideration of others' feelings and preferences, as well as flexible thinking." In this situations this might look like "Wow, I'm sorry! I didn't realize how badly you wanted to keep your shoes on. May I help you put them back on?" Don't worry, you're not being inconsistent- You're showing her you take her feelings into consideration and are willing to change your mind as you fully process and understand a situation.

* The above exercise makes this next step a lot easier: Try to see the situation through your child's eyes. In this case dealing with probable tiredness and definite frustration with an as yet undeveloped ability to manage such big emotions, she wishes for mom to absorb and help her handle those big feelings with understanding and gentleness.

* Finally, time to act. Choose 2 possible ways to handle the situation and then pick the more kind, respectful and connection-building of the 2.

This might seem incredibly time-consuming at first, but it gets easier and more automatic each time as you come to see your child and her behavior in a more positive light and you get better at coming up with those win-win solutions.

Two other resources you might want to check out: The book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" and the website naturalchild.org

When she is stressed, she needs extra love. so don't put her in her crib. I would read the book "Smart Love" by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper and also "Positive Discipline" All children get this to some extent. I would look for the trigger points and try to minimize them. Is she over tired when she does this? Is she getting enough naps (morning and afternoon?) She is really far too young to learn about No. For hitting, I would gently get her hand and say gentle and model gentle. She still will not get it for a while but giving her a cuddle and showing her what gentle is, will eventually work but zero to 3 is hard and needs understanding about what is developmentally appropriate. If you try to get her to be more mature than she is capable of, you will only stress her out more. Don't worry that she will grow into a monster because you aren't "disciplining her." It actually works the opposite. If you model kindness, empathy etc and give her a cuddle, she will eventually learn that. Timeouts were originally designed to teach pigeons and the only thing they really do is seperate you from your child. They are a really bad idea for zero to 3 and are still negative for children over that age. The books mentioned above really helped me and my little one. They are based on a lot of research and work well.

Isn't it fun? /sarcasm.

Our 18 month old has tantrums like these and we just ignore it. Of course, if he is throwing himself on the floor in a wild fit I just make sure that the area is clear so he doesn't hurt himself. Sometimes they just want an audience and if you give them the audience, the theatrics get greater and greater. There are times where my husband and I will literally turn to each other and start up a fake conversation that seems like a lot of fun, and this causes our child to actually stop the tantrum and calm down. At this point, we praise him for calming down, acknowledge his frustration, and see how we can help.

There are lots of different and great suggestions here. The key is to be painstakingly consistent each and every time this happens so your child knows that A) this sort of behavior will not garner any attention, B) positive, appropriate behavior will garner attention, and C) you will follow through with your words, actions, etc.

I used to use a little reverse thinking on my kids, it worked pretty well. I just gave them permission to yell. I would tell them to yell louder, I couldn't hear them. Then we might yell together. ( all at home of course or in the car.) We ended up in giggling fits. I would say, Hey! are you screaming? and I would say, scream louder, I can't hear you. Don't forget to ask why they are yelling. and then just make a game out of it...If you don't want to do that, ask her if she is ready to take off shoes, etc... Let her know what you are doing every step of the way, ask her if she wants to try and take off shoes or put them on...sometimes it just feels good to have a melt down. It there was too much stimulus prior,it's hard to just switch gears...S. D. PS. I worked in a day care for a real long time, got lots of ideas from working there.

We are going through this same thing with our third child who is 20 months old. After having two others, I can say this is normal, but I know it's very frustrating. Are there other issues? Maybe, but like you we just have to sort them out patiently and try not to let our own tempers get in the way of consistent correction about inappropriate behaviors. I feel for you...good luck!

Most likely anger issues aare at the bottom of this behavior or she wouldn't settle down so easily in the crib. She's not quite done with the party activities but knows that when put in her bed, the party's over. Good for you mom.

My almost 19 month old daughter has meltdowns once in awhile too that I've realized I need to start disciplining her for. I think the time-out is a great idea. Just be sure you're firm with her and communicate directly to her why she's being put in her crib. Call it a time-out, so she knows she's being disciplined. I have been trying to get my daughter to stay in time-out on her own, and it's extremely difficult, but she finally did the other day and calmed down. It seemed to pay off - I haven't seen her throw a massive fit since then, so I'm hoping she is learning something from the time-out! Good luck!

This is very normal. Especially if she has had too much sugar and artificial colorings or is overtired. I wouldn't put her in her crib because she may start to associate being in the crib and being punished to the point it may be hard to get her into her crib at all. I used the supernanny method and had a "naughty" spot (a step, corner or chair). It's hard and the terrible twos can happen at anytime. My DD is\ 3 1/2 and I can tell you once they are able to communicate with words better it does get easier.
Good luck,
R.

Hi K.,
I would suggest having your daughter screened for sensory integration issues. My son had similar tantrums and they just got worse and worse until I couldn't take him anywhere out of fear for what would set him off. We went to Tuesday's Child for help and found that he is a very sensitive child. All kinds of things can set him off; too much light, not enough light, textures of clothing and foods, sounds- loud and soft, etc. It sounds like your daughter might be having some difficulties with transitions as well. Ben had major issues with doing anything that wasn't his idea. Tuesday's Child ###-###-#### was instrumental in helping me be a successful parent for him. I would suggest checking them out, or at the very least telling your doctor that you want a script to have her screened for sensory integration. I hope that helps.
Blessings,
J.

My daughter started at about this same age like that. It has gotten a lot better...she's 22 mths now. I talked with a mom that said at this age...up to about 4 (I think), the brain is not developed enough to deal with emotions, so they just go over the top until they can calm down...or you help them to calm down. She learned this in her psychology class. It really made sense too.

Totally normal behavior- read, The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, MD to solve this sort of behavior when it happens because it WILL happen again!

She is a little young and her fits are severe, but it's too soon to draw too many conclusions. Try giving her choices before you do things, or as you see her going into a fit, stop what you're doing and give her a choice. "Do you want me to take off your shoes or do you want to try?""Do you want to take off your shoes now or in five minutes?" Giving choices is a good way to acknowledge her emerging sense of self and to teach her to make decisions. Always give her only two choices that you can live with, more than that will confuse her. It could be that you do things for her too quickly and too often and she is signaling that she wants to start being more independent. Also, kids who show strong emotions like this, if well raised, become adults with strength. She is a little young for time outs, but if she continues to throw fits don't present it to her as a discipline but just say she needs some time to calm down and needs to sit still somewhere where there is not much sensory stimulation.

You are not alone! My daughter Grayce has been having temper tantrams since she was about 16 months. I totally feel for you. It's so hard to understand at this stage what they won't or don't want.

The thing that has really worked for us is giving Grayce a choice or if a choice isn't an option, we give her a little warning like: when we get in the house we need to take your shoes off. It has helped a ton! I think for us it was a matter of her wanting more independence, even though I thought I was giving her plenty. We still have some fits, but not as many with the choices. Sometimes the only way for them to communicate is by crying. We remind her to use her words or show us what she wants- let me tell you this takes a lot of patience!!

Another thing that works well is a "crying chair/spot". I used this when I taught pre-school. If the child is really upset, remind them they can sit in the "crying chair" until they have it together. A little different than time-out, since it's not punishment.

Hope that helps! If nothing else know your not alone-email me anytime. :) Elizabeth Pantley has a great book called The No Cry Discipline Solution (I'm reading it now).

This is very normal, and it is terrible twos. The misnomer about terrible twos is that they have to be two. That is not the case, it can start as early as 16 months (or even earlier?). For discipline I would start using the time out chair. She is not too young to learn this method, and it is similar to what you are doing. I would not use her crib though for the time out chair, as then she may associate her bed with a bad thing and begin to hate it. Then you will have sleep issues, which you don't need. I don't know if you can do this, but can you buy an extra car seat that you can strap her into in the house as her time out chair? If not, then use a dining room chair or a step on your stairs or something. If she gets up, just don't talk to her and bring her right back to time out. Then, put her in time out for a minute per her age (1.5 minutes in your case). Make sure you do it right away after she does hit- on the way there, tell her hitting hurts, no hitting. Then, when she has been there for 1.5 minutes (you may need to keep putting her back. Count 1.5 minutes when she has stayed there the whole time) talk to her and say how hitting hurts and no hitting. Then tell her you love her and give her a hug and a kiss. Do this for hitting. As for the tantrums that are typical for this age, I have found that ignoring them is the best option. If need be, even go in another room. When she calms down, then you can try talking to her and explaining to her about emotions. But, that is not very well absorbed at this age. Good luck, and it will get better if you are consistent.

I think you've gotten some great advice, just be careful with the time-out idea. I know it is very controversial, but, putting her in her crib as a punishment could cause bedtime issues... Just a thought. Sitting somewhere quietly to calm down I think is Ok, but at this age, distracting them and introducing a new activity or waiting it out might be best.

Also, give her words for her feelings, especially if you know what is upsetting her. The more words she has to express herself, the less frustrated she'll be. I have 4 children, my youngest is 18 months, so I know what you are going thru.:)

Hi K.!

My personal findings and feelings are that terrible twos are not strictly for two year olds. You can have terrible ones, twos, threes, fours, fives....get it. It's your first baby, first off...relax. You're going to be fine, she's going to be fine, everything is going to be fine. I don't think she has anger issues, maybe she wanted her shoes on. Who knows what was bothering her.
19 months, is she talking, I'm learning all over again. Teach her to use another form of communication than screaming. Nanny Jo, on supernanny is fabulous, buy her book. I've learned a lot just from watching her show, but I also want to buy her book. Tell her not to hit you, I don't know if you can put a 19 month old in time out, I think Nanny Jo would say yes, and be consistent. You'll be fine. I know with my first I worried and over thought stuff all the time. You're going to do a great job, don't worry. ;)

My second boy was particularly difficult like this from 15-22 months primarily. Our pediatrician said terrible twos is really the second year of life as opposed to 2 years old, which sure made sense to me with my second boy. At 22 months it got significantly easier all of a sudden, with him suddenly seeming to understand the concept of empathy...other people...in terms of taking turns, sharing, not getting his way ALL the time, etc. You are doing the right thing addressing it like that. With my second son, we would put him in the crib or high chair...whichever was closer...not only for the sake of a time out (if you can't play nicely you can't play right now) but also for his own safety and the safety of those around as he would lash out hitting when throwing these tantrums. Debriefing is important as somebody else mentioned...talking calmly and lovingly after about what behavior she did that is not okay and alternative good behavior. Best wishes to you. And like another mentioned, it sure does get easier when they can communicate better and also understand other people being equals just like them better. :)

My girl is 23 months and we are having similar issues. I try to calm her with comfort first but is she continues to pitch a fit, I also put her in her room/crib for a minuts or so. She wails for a bit and then calms and says, "sorry". I then get her out and tell her that we do not....fill in the blank. I also tell her that I love her. It seems to work. I do not believe in hitting so these time outs seem to be the best alternative. I do think she is old enough to be taught what is ok and what isn't.

It's normal!!!!!!!!!! She's realized that she's a person, but she's too little to realize that others are people, too! She's proving that she's developing just on target. I read something today that says at her age, she has a huge ego and no empathy. Hee. I've raised two little ones, run daycare homes, and am now raising a 19-month old. So although I don't claim to be a genius, I do have experience.

My advice? When she acts like that, frown and quietly ask, "Are you feeling angry?" Then make a guess. "Do you want to keep your shoes ON?" She'll get used to you doing that, and she'll learn to slow down and answer you. Plus she'll see that she can trust you to try to help when her emotions get to be too much for her.

She doesn't realize yet that using words can help her when she's frustrated, so that's why she hits and screams and so forth. That's HER language at this age.

Maybe it is that she just wants to keep the shoes on, in which case, let her do it and then take them off once she's asleep. Or maybe she realized that she'd be put to bed once you took off her shoes, and she was overstimulated from being out and about, so she didn't want to go to bed. Whatever, the point is, it's totally normal, and it shows she's doing exactly what she should be doing for a healthy toddler.

Last bit of advice? Don't use her bed for time outs. Her bed should be her relaxing refuge, same as it is for an adult. Using it for time outs can be confusing and make her dread bedtime, which is bad for her and definitely bad for you when you want her to go to bed!

She is entering an age of needing to "do it herself". Ideally, let her do it herself whenever possible and then praise her for her accomplishment! She may sit for hours and repeat the same task. . .that is great, she is establishing herself identity and independence eparate from you. (doing everything for her up to this point) This is a period of wonder and discovery. Enjoy every minute of it!

J. B