Teenagers - Billings,MT

Dear L.,

I really like what Mary L. said. He needs to know you love him. Being the middle child is a tough spot. It sounds like you're pleased with the other two. I would recommend the book "Five Love Languages for Teenagers." The advise it gives was eye opening for us. He may just receive love differently than it's been shown to him. Crack down on the behavior, too. I think it's worth seeing why that behavior is there and addressing that, too.

B.

Hi L.,
It sounds as though this son needs some talking with, but mostly listened to. Ask quetions such as, what are you thinking, what are you feeling. It is what is in his heart that is coming out. Find out from him, gently and slowly, what is going on inside of a teenage boys heart.

www.loveandlogic.com

I come from a very large family. I have 5 siblings and numerous foster siblings. My mom raised us alone. She had 3 big boys to deal with and I remember many rough times with them. I also remembering my mom standing firm with the boys... if they were disrespectful they couldn't drive HER car, use HER phone, ect. The threat was always there that if they drove the car, she'd simply report the car as stolen. She'd unhook the wire for the phone if they tried to use it. I also remember many 'standoffs'. Where one of the boys would stand there and be baligerant and my mom would NOT back down no matter what was said and what tone was used. She got to the point where she would just state " you don't like my rules, you're free to move out". One left at age 19, the other at 18 to join the marines and the other at age 21. So obviously none of the boys felt it was too terrible to have to leave.
I don't have any big boys yet, but I know that I will follow in my mom's foot steps with my husband along side and stand firm. I think especially with boys that once they grow to LOOK like men they feel they are a man already and that gives them power. Not that teens shouldn't have any power... but she who giveth can taketh away!!!!! lol --- another mom phrase! Good Luck.

L.,

It may seem like a bit of odd advice but, if you can find one in your area, enroll your son in an intensive mixed martial arts training program. Young men need vigorous exercise during times of emotional stress. The structured aggression and serious (but safe) physical conditioning offered by fighting academies will help your son unlock his pent-up frustrations provide him the opportunity to review his emotions.

A good MMA school will teach your son to control himself and his tendency for aggression. They will provide the outlet he needs to release excess frustration and there will be "bigger dogs" in the yard to help him learn physical confrontation should not be the first mode of expression.

If you can not find a good fight school try a boxing academy or some other form of intense and directed physical workout.

Joy,

S.

There is a program that touts helping kids at any age. It is called The Total Transformation. I think you can type in thetotaltransformation.com and get it. I have not used it but I have heard wonderful things about it.

Hi L.,
I am 54 years old, raised 3 children and have 3 grandchildren. I work for corrections and I can tell you if you don't make this young man behave you are really going to have problems! He is old enough to understand his behavior is unacceptable and there are consequences. You just haven't found the right consequence. You have to find out what his "currency" is and work with that. You are allowing this behavior with not consequence. I told my child that if she didn't behave I would take her to the courts and give her her emancipation papers because I would not be held liable for her behavior anymore. I gave her the weekend to think about it. But you need to tell him, you will not live here. This is your home and he can live with you as long as you allow him, it isn't his house. Don't be a door mat to him. And don't compare him to his other brother, they are two seperate people. I come from a family of 10 with 7 girls and a single mom to boot. I watched her keep things under control and it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Good luck!

You must learn tough love. A great place to do that is first go to alanon. It's a place for family of alcoholics and drug addicts, but the principles apply to any tough love situation. Walking on egg shells and fighting is what is common with them. You must find meetings in your area and go to as many as you can for 6 weeks. It will take at least that long to really realize what you can get out of it. Pick many meetings in many locations. Call the number in the phone book for Alcoholics Annonymous, they will direct you to alanon meeting schedules. Each meeting has it's own personality and you will gravitate to the one you feel most comfortable with. Yes you have time, you have to MAKE time YOU ARE THAT IMPORTANT!! HE IS THAT IMPORTANT!! The support is great. At first just listen, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. What you learn is great. It will help build your self confidence. It will help you set boundries. It will help with every relationship with anyone close to you. Don't let anyone tell you you don't need it, just go! And get the book "Tough Love" by James Dobson. Meetings and books don't do much alone, you actually have to DO what you hear and read.

Have you looked into a Mentor program for him?
Perhaps try to find an adult male mentor with core values of respect for humans and animals alike. And most importantly, one who has a love for nature, a love of the outdoors...
One that could take him outside, in the country, and do things that would give him an appreciation for nature. Nature is the finest teacher. Camping trips, canoeing, hiking, regular/ice fishing, hunting even.
I have a 16 year old that is going through the terrible teens also, and finding him a mentor has helped. Its not easy to do though, I know. Good luck.

I had to really think about this one, I have 4 who are teenagers, and for the most part I have no issues, my 15 year old DD is probably my most strong willed child, and I can rememeber a time where she thought she was the boss, could do what she wants ect,.. I am a lot more in your face when it comes to outright disrespect, she even went so far as to "jump" out of our moving vehicle once, I actually have no clue what started the arguement, but I was being cussed out and called every name under the sun, I tried to ignore it, I was driving and trying to avoid an accident, but that only seemed to escalate her, anyways I ended up pulling over and getting out, once I caught her I was in her face, I have only been that angry a few times in my life, and NEVER towards one of my kids. I tried to get her into the car, but she is as big as me...almost. When that didn't work I drove off, I didn't leave her exactly cause we live out in the country and it would of taken her a day if not more to walk home, but after a few miles I came back picked her up and went home, she had calmed down a little but I hadn't I walked in our door went down to her room and took everything out (2 days prior we had gone school shopping which was 2 weeks away) She got one outfit a pillow and a blanket, no sheets, No T.V, no computer, no video games, MP3 player nothing, and man she was P.O'd, but I did not back down, once she shaped up, she earned stuff back, I even took her make-up, blow dryer and her towels (it was very hot she could air dry). I explained that when she could be a member of the family and treat me with some respect then and only then could she start to earn it back, I also let her know that I was not above calling the cops if she so much as looked at me funny, and I would of but I think she finally got the message, I haven't had anymore real problems with her except for the normal teeage things and it has been just over a year since our last incident, I still take things aways if she is out of line, but I think she likes her stuff more so she tries to behave and she does for the most part, she is even my most trustworthy child, the incident I am speaking of wasn't a one time thing it had been escalalting for a few years. I am not sure if I helped any but I wish you luck, keep working on the therapy, see if someone can come to your house.....Good Luck!!!!!

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. He is a big boy. You didn't mention if he is violent towards you or where his father fits into the picture. So without that type of information my advise would be to threaten him with something like military school or a boys home. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but sometimes it's the tough love that works best. If you and his father are not together, could he go live with him, as another option. You also didn't mention his age, but you said the next couple years so I will assume he is about 16. At this age he definitely needs a man's influence in his life, be it his father, an uncle, older cousin, etc.
I know raising teenagers, especially boys, is hard. I raised 2 boys myself. Wishing you the best.

I have raised six kids, 5 boys and a girl. When they get that big you cannot tackle them alone so to speak. So we would let them know on which side their bread was buttered. They made a bad choice and they got things removed. Not just computers and MP3 players and game things but their bed, the door to their room. No respect to me results in none to you. Make a good choice and these things come back. So many things are hard to enforce on someone that large. Like extra chores or no TV or not phone or friends but if you hit them where they live....their comforts it seems to make more of an effect. My son drove and told me there was no way I could stop him....I flattened all four of his tires in the middle of the night while he slept. You can change one, not all four. He was pissed but he got the point. What is not mentioned in all this is the father. If you have no support from that area you are fighting an uphill battle. With no father sometimes it is easier because you are the last line but with a father not in the picture or doing anything that could be most of the problem. It is not you he is after or wants attention from it is dad!!!

L.,
I also have 3 boys and my middle one 6'7", 275lbs, was always the one who would be disrespectful and would be the more intense one. You didn't say how old your son was, but my suspicion is that he is feeling vulnerable. He just needs more attention and reassurance of your love and your respect.

My son would do this as a way to cope since he was the biggest in his class all his life and he thought people were stereotyping him, which some of them did and still to this day do now even though he is 22 and working, by how they reacted to him, as being big and dumb. We just kept reminding him that people are that way and he was not dumb, in fact he has the most common sense of all the boys (the other two are a mixture of book smart and common sense).

Our son would also talk back and not want to do anything and no matter what we took away he didn't care. It was very trying!!! But we just kept at him on not being rude and that someday he would have to follow rules and as he matured that disrespect lessened and rules were followed. He is actually a big teddy bear, he is the first one to help out now and is on the fire department of our small town.

Is there someone other than you, another male perhaps, that has some influence on him that could talk to him? My husband had the bond with our son and could talk to him at times just one on one and that seemed to help.

Hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Do something quickly!!! Insist that he see someone or maybe family counseling. But now is the time for some tough love. You definitly do not want this to get out of hand and it could very quickly. Sometimes the best thing that we can do for those that we love the most is to be tough. Do not allow him to treat you with anything but the respect that you deserve. What about Dad? You need to let him know how much he is loved, but that you can not and will not allow him to make your life and the whole family miserable. Let him know that you understand that he is going through a lot of changes in his life and with his body, etc. but that you are there for him when ever he needs you, but he must learn that you will not be made afraid!! Seek help for yourself in dealing with him if nothing else. Just do something, don't let it just get worse. Good luck!

I am 39 years old. I have 3 children in High School- 2 boys and 1 girl. My oldest son has sent us through the ringer this year with his behavior, lack of respect, etc. The only thing that has helped my husband and I is repeated "we need to talk-RIGHT NOW"- discussions at the kitchen table. And if you plan ahead, there will be no benefit for you becase something else will come up for your son that is more exciting than a talk with mom/dad. We have pulled privelages such as cell phone, vehicle, outings with friends and finally we gave him the choice to either cut back on hours at work or we will take care of the problem- IMMEDIATELY. We also have taken the videos and got rid of computer at home and cable. May seem extreme but all of our kids are much better without all the stuff. We have not had cable or computer at home for 3 ears now. They make use of the school computers and/or library. Family time is much better. He may be taller and weigh more than you (so does our son), and he probably thinks this is intimidating, but he is still under age 18 I assume- and he goes by your rules. Believe me, it hubmles a teen to have to take the bus as a senior instead of driving and seeing their vehicle parked for a while. And if he will not give up the keys, games, etc. Find them and take them. Have your spouse there through this whole thing also. Boys dont usually disrespect their mothers in front of their fathers. Some other ideas? talk to school teachers/counselor tosee how your child is in class, or go to their employer and take care of the scedule yourself- without notice to your child. He will get the picture. Fast.

I have a 15 DD and a 12 DD and when they get mouthy or become more then a handfull, I give them the worst chores around the house. I have them, scrub the bathroom, clean out and wash the trash cans. I even sent them to Grandma's house for the summer and told her if they got mouthy to work them. My dad is a carpenter and keeps almost everything, so my mother had them moving piles of bricks, smashing can, cutting her huge yard. I tell you it works for about 3 months or so then we need a refresher course. I also use the take the things away, and now going anywhere. Since this is your son you might have him do what they thinks is "girl chores"

Hi L.,
I have a 13 year old son. He has his moments of being disrepectful. One of the most helpful books I've ready is "Yes, Your teenage is crazy" by Michael J. Bradley. It's a odd title but it is loaded with useful information and tools. Helped me with new ways of approaching my son. We were at a loss with some of his behaviors and the book was helpful. We are having an easier time now than before we read the book.
Best of Luck,
S.
http://www.YesToSuccess.net/S.
Helping families with health and wealth for over 11 years

Hi, he must be the middle child. I had that problem also. All i did is to keep telling him " i love you ".i didn't put no presure into asking him whats wrong. All i said is if you need to talk, i'm here to listen, i might not have the answer you are looking for , but i am here for you. Let him kind of sort things out, but keep letting him know you are there if he needs to talk. Mine was about a girl he liked but didn't like him back in that way(just friends)tring to keep up to the expedtations of his older brothers teachers, and feeling low self asteem about it all.take him out on a one to one night out once a month (movies. Bowling, skating) and show him that the love you have is unconditional, and he will slowly come around and relize!! Mom is a freind too 11 B.

My parents raised five children. All of us are very different from each other. I have a brother who shares your son's same traits. My parents threatened with military school but never followed through on it. I've seen and worked with kids whose parents have done everything they can inside the home but the only way to get through to some of these teen's is to have them leave the home and learn to appreciate and respect. I am highly in favor of the out reach programs for teens. The ones where the parent drops the child off with a wilderness guide and the child has to learn about some important life lessons in order to survive in the wilderness and to survive in a world without being angry all the time. I am raising two boys and have promised myself if life gets to that point with them ever that I will do all that is in my power to guide them in the direction of appropriate human behavior and for me that means following through with threats of military school and the like.