Need Some Advice on Discipline for Disrespect

You know, with my children (they are now 18,20,and 24)I have always emphasized that I provide their food, clothing, and a place to live that is comfortable. I deserve their respect for that if nothing else. I also do not go the extra mile for a person who is crossing the boundary of respect with me. I stopped yelling, and just would not provide the extras they wanted since they showed no respect for me as a person. I didn't nag about it, but I quietly showed them they would receive nothing other than the basics that I have to provide as a parent if they choose to disrespect me. For me it was cause and effect. When they changed their behaviors, they saw a change in the effect. When they were to work in the grown-up world, they would not be rewarded for disrespecting authority, so I felt it was important to let the consequences fall to teach them.

You have to be consistent if you choose this way to discipline. I found it successful, but not easy.

All the best to you. I hope things work out.

Maybe think about washing their mouth out with soap. For me it took only one time...they didn't like that!!!

You have to take away privileges. My kids are also around those ages, and they can get real disrespectful, when I let my guard down. When I'm really on top of it, as I should be all the time, I give them marks each time they are disrespectful, and when they get a certain amount, I take away privileges, like TV, computer, treats or if there are a lot of marks, something real fun. It works for us. Try it and see if it works for you.

I'm probably a bit younger than most of the moms on this site, so I could actually relate to your kids more. I can't think of much that you can do to fix the situation, but I can definately tell you what not to do. Don't yell at or hit your kids because it makes them scared of you (and you could permanently damage your relationship with them). Kids hate it when you tell them that you provide a roof over their heads, it makes them even more mad at you and makes them want to move out asap. Don't tell them everything you do for them, it doesn't go over very well when they're angry, it makes them not care and get annoyed. (Trust me, they appreciate what you do even though they might not say it). By the way, if you want them to appreciate the things you do for them, mention things when they're in a good mood. (Like if your shopping with them, ask them if they like the _____ you got them.) It'll eventually get them into the habit of saying thank you without you even saying anything about it, and they really will realize all the things you do for them. (Including providing a roof over their heads, it won't happen right away, but as they mature, they're going to realize that you do much more than just buy them things to play with or make them look nice).

Honestly though, out of all these suggestions, I agree with Julia the most.

The soap in the mouth and hot sauce things mentioned by some of the others might work. The only thing is I would want my kids to treat me nice just because they want to and it's the right thing to do; but making them put soap or hot sauce in their mouths might make them want to not say bad things to you just because of that, not because they don't want to say bad things about you.

I could suggest to be really upbeat and fun when they're being good, they notice it and want things to be like that more, so they'll try to be good. You could do anything from taking your daughters shopping and getting your son a new video game to making them their favorite food (or their favorite snack if you don't have much time on your hands). Another tip, don't be afraid to act goofy, they like it no matter what they say. I know I used to always tell my mom to stop whenever she was doing something I thought was dorky, but I really did like it, I had fun with it, and they're some of my best memories with her. (Just don't be too goofy in front of friends, because friends can sometimes be brats and put ideas in your kids heads which would ruin it.)

As you could probably tell, it's mostly from personal experience. The things that aren't are just what I wish my mom would have done.

Good luck and God bless.

Dear M.~

First, you have my sympathy for your divorce and the havoc it can create! I have been there and it is not fun. In my case, I left my husband in 1993. (We were married for 18 1/2 years) Now for the kids....
Mine were angry with me. Our daughter was 17 years old, and our sons were 14 and 8.
I would recommend counselling for all of you. (The kids and you) They need to understand it has nothing to do with your feelings for them. They can be angry at the situation. It is not okay for them to be disrespectful of you.
My daughter barely spoke to me for over a year. It broke my heart. We were so close. She had to come to terms with the situation. As she grew up and she remembered things, she has come to terms with it and is in her 30's now and an awesome woman and we are still close!
Anger can be very destructive and so can unkind words.
Your kids are too immature to understand all the reasons you and your ex parted, and your relationship is your business not theirs. They don't need to know every reason. They are trying to put blame somewhere. They may fear they are to blame.
Get a good family therapist and go!
It will help you and the kids through this tough time!
Again,
I empathize with your situation. I hope you all find healing.
C.

When I was growing up my parents demanded respect by refusing to acknowledge anyone who was disrespectful to them. This has worked rather well for me so far also (it does take a while for it to sink in for the kids though so be prepared). They also put signs up all over the place saying "Respect begets respect" and "Speak respectfully and you shall be heard". The main goal is to make your kids see that being disrespectful toward you will not get a reaction of any sort.
My grandmother (who was very much into game shows) would react to a rude comment by looking straight into our eyes and buzzing as if we had answered a question incorrectly. It really made us take notice of all the rude things we would say.

H. Stanley

Hi M.,

I'm going through the same thing with my 8 yr old son. His father and I separated when he was only a few months old and unfortunately has also witnessed some unfavorable behavior from his dad towards me.
You really nailed one of the causes of the problem, the disrespect displayed between you and your ex in front of the children is having a huge impact on them. We are our children's major influence and they model our behavior, both positive and negative. This needs to stop in order for your children to start showing the respect you ask of them. I know it can be hard to walk away from an arguement, but you must to do this for your children's sake. Keep them in mind when an arguement comes on. It takes practice and self-control, especially from your part if their father lacks the self-control needed. If this is the case, keep your contact with him to a minimum. I keep my contact with my son's dad primarily by phone, email or txt msgs... this way, if we get into an arguement and it escalates, I simply hang up. I tend to make all the phone calls when my son is not around, depending on the nature of the call.
I do believe in spanking and use it as a disciplinary action, I make sure my son is fully informed and try not to do it when I am angry because it can have a negative effect. It occurs after a warning has been given and he continues with the behavior. This along with other forms of discipline seem to be working for us.
The other forms of discipline I use are:
1.) Sentences - My son hates this! I make him do 50-100 depending on the misbehavior displayed. He is not allowed to watch TV, play with his toys or have friends over until he's completed them.
2) Taking Away Privileges - Taking away the TV, Game Console, PSP even after school activities or event such as skateboarding lessons or birthday parties, etc. I didn't allow him to go on a fieldtrip once due to his behavior.
3.) Time-Out - I still use this with my son, it works! Instead of just sending him to his room, I have him stand, facing the corner for 5 minutes and add an additional minute each time he yells or talks.
All this may make me sound like a drill srgnt, but believe me, I'm not. My boyfriend can contest to that. Kids need discipline so that they don't break the law later in life.
Another important part, probably the most important is COMMUNICATION. Talk to your kids, in a calm setting. Ask them why they disrespect you the way they do... MAKE them tell you. They may not have an answer or you may be taken back by their answer, but it's a good way to get them to start talking about what they are feeling and/or going through. I'm sure the divorce has been hard on them and this could be another reason why they are acting out. My son always says it was because he was mad. I then explain to him that it's ok to get mad, everyone does, but it's not ok to take it out on people, especially mom. Recently, he's said it was because he sometimes feels like I don't love him, I was taken back by this. We talked and came to an understanding, he still had to face the consequences however. Remind them that the rules exist because you DO love them. If you didn't, then you wouldn't care what they would do. You want them to be the best they can be. I've also had the talk about why we have rules and consequences when you break them. I've explained to him that there are rules in society we call laws, and if he decides to break those... it'll be a different type of "time-out" he'll be facing and I'm not bailing him out of those. Kind of harsh, but knowing this.. he'll for sure think twice before breaking them don't you think? :)
Last but not least, I've been blessed with a wonderful man who has been in our lives for the last 2 years. We are not married yet and do not live together but he is a huge and active part in our lives. He has been such a positive influence in my son's life, which I am very grateful for. We discuss and agree on how to discipline my son beforehand and I carry it out. Since biologically, we mothers are more of the nurturing type it's very helpful to have that authoritatiave figure to help guide me. If you do not have someone like this in your life just yet, perhaps you can look towards a family friend or relative than can step in as a positive male role model and help you out. Make sure it's someone with a caring heart and who loves your children as much as you do.
It's a bumpy road, but one we can endure. I apologize for the lengthy novel. I hope that something I've mentioned will be of some help. Remember to show your love and laugh and play with your children everyday. Don't forget the constant positive reinforcement,it is a great tool as well. Someday, they will thank you for all that you do.

Not all kids respond to the demand of respect especially kids with add/adhd. Find time to spend seperately with each of your children and make sure they know how important each of them are to you. Hugs (touch) are a great way to reach your childs heart. Get them involved in a youth group thru church or something else. I have a 7, 15, 17. They go thru phases where they become difficult and then outgrow it again. My guess is they are acting out because of your divorce (I come from a divorced family). I would sit down and talk to them, be honest and let them know how much you need them and their help. God Bless You!

Hi M.,

I feel for you. I also have a 9 year old son, my oldest, with the same problems, ADD, ADHD, behavioral problems, tourettes and Bipolar disorder. I know it is hard. I too have a similiar kind of relationship. I have been with my two kids father for 14yrs. (not married). Have you considered counseling, I know that it's not always the fix, but it is helpful. Especially for your son. I believe as single parents, especially single mothers it is important for us to establish a level of respect going both ways. I don't believe in smacking kids in the mouth, but I do believe in a bar of soap. Have you tried taking their privileges away or things that are important to them. They may hate you at the moment but they will get over it. For your son it might be alittle more difficult because of his disabilities, but sometimes we have to be extremely tough on them becuase their disabilities are sometimes taken advantage of and they are great manipulators. I hope that my advise might be helpful to you, if not help just so you no your not alone. Theres me going CRAZY too.

Unfortunately, current culture glorifies disrespectful behavior. If they've seen you and your ex speak that way, they think it's OK. Plus, they may unconsiosly blame you for the divorce and the upheaval in their lives. Go to the library and get some parenting books - books are full of great ideas! Every time they mouth off, remain calm but remove a privilege. Say, "It's unacceptable to speak to anyone that way. No TV tonight." Be calm, but stick to it. Watch your own behavior, and make sure they're not just saying what they've heard you say. Make sure you enforce politeness even when they speak to each other or other people. If they can't ask for something reasonably, tell them they don't need to have it. If they tell a clerk or waitress, "Gimme a Coke" instead of, "A large Coke, please," tell them, and the person they spoke to, "Cancel that order. If they can't say please, they don't need it. Thanks." Please and thank you are pretty basic, so enforce those all the time! It'll be tough, but eventually you'll see results.

Hi M.,
It sounds like this disrepectful attitude maybe coming from your ex-husband via negative comments about you to the kids. It sounds like your whole family needs counseling, including your ex-husband. Once he's supports you in the raising of the kids & you both are on the same page the disrespect issue should no longer be a problem.Check locally for counseling centers. Take Care, Barbara

Growing up I was popped in the mouth twice by my father and both times it was for the exact behavior you're indicating. I'm not traumatized I was a teenager and knew what was happening and why. I was just pushing the boundaries anywhere I could. You situation is different in that they would probably be smarting off right about this time due to their age but now they have the upheaval of their parents divorce which is probably a big reason why your son is acting out. The other thing that worked for my parents with all of us(6kids) was the 'down to basics' theory. They needed to provide a roof, clothes on your back and food according to the law. When we got really bad we lost the doors to our rooms, we lost everything but jeans and plain white t-shirts and we lost everything but peanut butter and jelly. Let me tell you how quickly teenagers, especially girls fall into line when they don't have their make-up and trendy clothes for school. For your son I don't have any good advice except stick to your guns and get all of you some counseling. Good Luck!

HI

The childrens environment (home) has a lot to do with their behavior. Also I truly believe that your children are mimicing how their father treated you.

Hopefully now that dad is out of the house the enviornment will become more balanced. Just keep on correcting the children. Perhaps some family counseling or parent counseling can be of geat help to you.

You mentioned that your son has compulsive behavior. Is this like OCD?? Have you tried any medication for his compulsive behavior? My son has been recently diagnoised with OCD and the pscy wants to put him on zoloft, I want to research any options first.

Thanks

Hi M.,

Whatever you do, don't hit them. Your instincts are exactly right. They are acting out right now due to the turmoil in the family life, and modeling their behavior on your ex. The two older ones would probably be mouthing off at this age anyway but now they have someone to copy that gives them validation. I suggest family therapy to help with the transition around the divorce as well as the behavior. If you can't afford it, there are usually places that have sliding fee scedules. They've found that kids fare the worst in divorce if their parents fight so, though you can't control what your ex is doing, try to not reciprocate in kind. When your kids are adults they will appreciate what you have done.

V.

You did not say which kid is doing it the most, what works great for me and I have a 19 yr son & 17 tr old daughter, mostly my son gets mouthy, well used to anyways, instead of yelling at them instead of a big argument, I turned around when they are disrespectful to me and put them on ignore mode, the good ole silent treatment, if I cooked dinner, I did not call them for it, the plate was at the table , I complelty ignored them. Funny it lasts for about an hour then I get an apoligize from them. If they don't apoligize then when they leave the house for school or whatever I go into there room and take something favorite of theres, if the smart mouth continues each day something else is removed, when they come home find it gone they ask me I dont answer them, Oh I would place the item in the trunk of the car. Unless it was a big item, if they tried to take it back, with out me giving to them, the item goes up for sale on ebay, I donate the money. Its been over 2 yrs since either kid was disrespectful....

Good Luck

You may need to go to counseling as a family to learn how to respect each other. Try your church, the YMCA or your insurance to see who offers the best help. I know how frustrating it can be to deal with highly emotional people but before reacting take several deep breaths, one that makes you feel like you are filling up your body all the way to your heart. Believe me, it takes several times for this to work before you react, but you will be happier that you reacted rationally instead of emotionally to whatever the kids are doing. It will also teach the kids to calm down before they react. God bless.

Take away the TV/radio/cds/internet/etc. for at least a day, that was all that worked for my cousin. Do not give rights for those things back until non-grudging apology is given to you. Inform them that each time they act this way the time they are cut-off from "modern-day fun things" for an additional day. Eventually they will get it and go back to what most teens do and disrespect you behind your back :/ good luck :)

There is a christian writer/speaker by the name of James Dobson, he has a book called "Dare to Discipline" amongst many others that was really helpful to me in raising my boys. Also "Parenting Isn't for Cowards" is a good one to read. He has a website called "Focus on the Family" you can find many answers to. Try it, you can also find info about teen years on his website.

AS the old folks used to say "if you ain't paying rent,buying your food and Clothing, then a word to the wise is sufficient and you follow the rules or you can be relocated."
Your oldest needs to understand that you won't tolerate any further disrespect from any of them anymore or that maybe they might want to go be with their dad for awhile if they can't get their act together. They need to know whatever went on with you and your ex is not for them to assume they can talk to you and act any way they feel.
I raised 5 kids and I had no reservations about grabbing them in the collar when they were out of line or punishing them when they felt entitled to act out.
It's hard in these times but there are more resources than when I was raising my kids. Counseling,talking to each one individually to see whats causing this,find out what's going on at school, but you need to try and resolve this because if they disrespect you they'll do it to other people and people today aren't prone to taking that from kids if they were raised with discipline themselves. It's not easy and it may be hit and miss,ask people for help. It may all add up to your friends suggestion.

You will not be able to get them to show respect until you and your ex show respect to each other. It's a hard thing to do, and takes some time. Also, do not disrespect the children. Discipline them, but don't disrespect them. My son disrespected me once when he was that age, and I told him I didn't deserve to be treated that way. He thought about it for a few seconds, and said "Your right." No yelling, it's a sure way to show you've lost control. If you can't get anywhere talking to your children, send them to their rooms and tell them to write a page about why they think you don't deserve respect. That will tell you what is causing the problem you are trying to solve. Good Luck. Be sure they know how much you love them.

Hi there. sounds like you have your hands full. I do not tolerate disrespect in my home at all. When my kids start with htere i am better than you and i know everything attitudes, i start taking there most prized possesions. They lose there things until they start to be nicer and have more respect.
I would sit your kids down and have a talk with them. They are all at the age that they can undersatand what is going on. Explain to them that they do not have the right to talk to you the way they are and that you feel that they are learning this behavior from thier dad. Let them know that you will do your best not to talk about him in front of them and not bad talk him out of respect for them because even though he is not your husband anymore he is still thier dad.
What i have learned with my own kids and my step daughter is that when i say i will do something or make a promise, i better follow through. And that goes for punishments too. say what you mean and mean what you say.
good luck

HI THERE: My 17 year old grandson is ADD/ADHD with ODD also. He is on medication which has helped greatly along with therapy that he attended with us as family for 6 years. He just graduated 2 years ago from therapy and from TBS..Theraputic Behavioral Science, a program with a therapist comes into the home and helps with dealing with changing the attitude of the child. It helped greatly after only 4 months. WE have had him under our roof all but one year of his life. You do not mention if your children are in any therapy programs for your son's disorder. AS you are a FAMILY, it is so important to try and get proffessioal help ..attend classes that deal with his ADD/ADHD etc. If you are not invovled in any classes or therapy sessions with a proffessional..it will only get worse as they get older.
In my grandson's younger years I was able to get him in a cold shower to change his attitude as he got in his teens it was harder to physically manage him for a cold shower. The point of the cold shower is only to change the thought process and have them appologize which always worked in less than a minute. This is not a cruel method..as it was discussed at a ADD/ADHD parenting group with cudos for a positive way to connect with the negative child.
There is also a video on a system called "123 Magic" it uses counting to a consequence..after all these years my grandson still knows when I count it means the action better stop or the request better have been filled.
I could go on with so much more..give the kids some bubble wrap to tear up there anger on ..or punch a pillow too..coloring works great. Needless to say, my grandson is now a senior with a great report card and he has been less smart with his mouth and more productive with his focus on academic and showing now a 3.8 gpa!! WE love him and it was all worth it!!

I also have teenagers one 15 (16 in June) and one 14. This is truly an aging issue. Of course they learn by example, but fortunately for all of us parents who are not perfect it's not too hard to correct their bad habits. When it begins I often ask them "Do I look like some punk off the street?" That makes them stop and think who it is they are talking to. :o) I then let them know I am always willing to talk to them about whatever issue they are having. Often times they begin to speak disrespectfully when they think they are not being treated fairly. I am always willing to talk out how they feel and why AS LONG AS its done respectfully. I allow for their passion for a topic, but not for sarcasm or screaming fits. I also let them know that though I understand where they are coming from, as their parent, I still may choose an opposite course than they want.

One sure way in the heat of the moment when they cannot seem to stop is I'll start taking something dear away from them (i.e., ipod, cell phone). I'll tell you what I did the last time my 14 yr old son went berserk on me. It went like this, "If you don't stop now you will lose your cell for the rest of the day," it continued, "would you like to make it 2," it continued and now he was off about the cell being taken away. "Okay how about 3 days," it continued. "Okay would you like to try for the rest of the week." It finally stopped. He was angry, handed over the cell and walked away without saying another word. He didn't talk much that week, although I treated him with respect and love and as if nothing had occurred. As the days progressed he was better and apologized to me which I accepted graciously, yet didn't hand over the cell until after the designated time frame I had set originally. At the end of the week when I was about to return the cell phone I talked to him again about the way he chose to speak to me. Again telling him that I did not mind talking out the issues, but it could not be done in the manner he used. It hasn't happened again. When he begins to speak with disrespect I ask him if I need to take the cell. He stops. I think this was successful for 3 reasons. 1) I didn't treat him disrespectfully. 2) I didn't give in, I carried through with what I said would happen. 3) I took something from him that was dear to him and he felt the lack of it in his life :o)

It doesn't take too terribly long for them to realize that mom won't be pushed around, talked to like that any longer, and that she means business. THAT is the message you send to your kids when you set firm rules and follow through with them.

This is an on going thing that I will not cave in on as a parent. The disrespect begins at home then carries to outside of the home to teachers and eventually I believe to future relationships. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Boy, its definatlly hard. My son has ADHD, and I have found that discipline does not work at all. I have to go with the reward system. Find somthing he wants, then say if you go 1 day or 1 week (depending on the item) you get this. Its not 100% for us, but its easier then smaking him in the mouth. We did try smaking him, but it didn't work. It did make me feel better! I do use hot sauce somtimes too (if he gets sassy) this seems to work ok, but the problem is I don't carry tabasco in my purse with me so its not consistent. Kids with ADHD need consistency. I would love to tell you that it will get better, but my son is now 10, and I think its gotten worse. My mom tells me that I will enjoy him again when he is 25. Only 15 more years!

I'm so sorry M.. I cannot give you advice from what i have done because my kids are 2.5 and 7mo but i remember when i was a child and i disrespected my parents, cursed at them, talked back etc they would wash my mouth out with soap. I remember getting this done up until about 13 or 14 years old. Then i was grounded.
It worked and i would and will use this same method with my children when needed. My sister has a 9 and a 7 year old girl (she also has 2 younger ones too)and she used to do hot sauce until they started liking it. So now she does soap.
Just an idea, i didn't get it ALOT but i sure do remember when those times were and what they were for. So obviously it worked.
Good Luck and God Bless
A.

I would start taking their stuff away. Computer time, free time, give them more chores etc.

Since the divorce is still pretty fresh, the kids might be emotionally reacting to a still stressful situation. I don't know if they would be willing to share their feelings with you or maybe even a counselor, bu that might help diffuse things. You could also try making the exchanges between you and your ex less heated. Not easy I'm sure but you could explain what's going on with the children and see if for the childrens sake , the two of you could treat each other with more respect. The kids can sense the stress even if they don't see or hear it and are reacting.

Dear M.,

Sorry about your divorce, these things can be hard!! When your ex is being dosrepectful to you is he doing it in front of the kids!! If the answer is "yes" then stop that behavior immediately and make sure he knows that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior in front of your kids!! Kids do what they see and if that is what they are seeing then it just the extention of what you guys showing them!! As far, as discipline...taking things away and having them earn it back is always good or simple give them a choice, they're old enough, let them know if they continue to act this way there's always the choice of going to live with their "father" and if they act like it doesn't matter..........pack their things and send them there and let them find out what it is like on the side of that coin!! DO, DO not tolerate such behavior, it only hurts them in the end, cause when they go out in the real world that kind of behavior won't get them a good job or a good relationship and "you" are the one that needs to nip it in the butt, now!! Good Luck, being a single Mom is not easy and I will pray for you and your family!!

V.

I'm sure you've gotten lots of advice so far, but just have to say that what your friend told you to do unnerves me... you have to be the big girl, example to your children, not showing them violence. Your kids seem a little old for time-outs, but I would definitely recommend some kind of discipline that is controlled (unlike smacking them in the mouth). Maybe for your 16 and 12 year olds taking away privileges like phone or going out and for your 8 year old taking away tv/ video game time or whatever he's into. I think that discipline is very important in establishing boundaries and for teaching consequences for bad/ disrespectful behavior, but I agree that hitting as your friend suggested is out of line. Even spanking can be controlled, but again I think your kids are too old. Hope that helps-AM

Dear M.,

I am glad to see you are a strong person, you had the courage to leave the person who was probably jealous of your strength.

Try limiting the intake of artifical colors and everything else artifical in their foods, there has been some recent print out about links between behaviors you mentioned and the ingestion of these ingredients. Yes, it will take label reading and health food shopping, but worth a try!

Now continue this strong conviction you have and find a good counselor. They will ask the right questions, you will think long and deeply and will probably come up with the right thoughts and words to handle you children. Their father's example is what they are following, they have no other example, so you must counter in an intelligent fashion. It might take some time, but they will see the new strong you and respect it!

Hurah, yes go back to school, what interests you?
Me? I did the same as you, divorced my disrespecting ex, went back to school with my kids blessings, finished with a M.S. in Botany and am a happy person with three happy kids!
Let me know, I care,
E. H

Hi M.,
Just writing to give you some support. First, you and your ex have to set up some ground rules and show respect to one another to help the kids to do as you do.
Second, it is time to limit their freedom and their toys (teenage and younger!)
Sort out what is a right and what is a privilage. Let them know the difference between a right (food/shelter/clothing) and privilage friends, TV, video games, phone, free time) and that if they do not respect you and your rules, the privilages will start to disappear. You have to choose wisely and appropriately. Restrict these areas based on compliance, respect and responsibility and they'll learn to adjust their attitudes. Hitting is not going to teach them respect, you are right not to go there.