Teen Help..... - Roseville,CA

Does she go to NA or AA? There are special groups for adolescents, I think. She needs an outlet to meet people. Those that are in the group are recovering addicts themselves. She might find someone with a lot of common ground and also someone to help her in her sobriety.

She won't change unless she wants to change.

When I was around her age I was addicted to pain killers. My parents did everything they could to try and get me to stop (Except take me out of public school which ironically was the whole reason I started my addiction and continued to do it), but I didn't want to quit so I didn't. Then my grandparents found out about it. I didn't care what my parents thought about me and like a lot of teens I loved that they didn't like what I was doing. But I respected my grandparents. I cared about what they thought. So when they sat me down and told me how much it hurt them, I really wanted to change.

So if there are any family members that she really really cares about (Like her grandparents or maybe a brother or sister) have them sit down and talk to her about it.

Also, find out what got her started in her addiction. For me it was the stress from going to public school. I couldn't handle the drama (People talking about me behind my back, the rumors, and the things that other students did to pick on me). Even though I wanted to quit after talking to my grandparents the stress was still too much for me so I kept popping pills. When my parents took me out of public school and enrolled me in internet school, the stress that came from all the public school drama disappeared and I didn't feel the need to pop pills anymore.

So make sure that whatever reason she normally drinks or whatever reason she normally does drugs is out of her life.

Support! She needs to know that she has people there that support her. My best friend was always there for me. There were times when I felt like I needed to pop a pill to get through the day but she was always there to assure me that I didn't need it.

So make sure that she has some one to talk to besides family.

I hope that helped.

The child needs hope. She needs to see that there can be a happy life ahead for her. Right now, she feels like a failure, not respected and lonely. She needs to feel that she can make a difference in the world. Get her involved in some meaningful volunteer work and give her a vision of what her life can be like if she makes good choices. Make sure you have put a filtering program on her computer and make sure the password is not one she could figure out easily. Have her take a class to learn a new skill or hobby, then limit tv/internet time to no more than 1 hr total per day. She'll need to time to explore her new hobby.

Have you attended any Alanon meetings yet?

No matter the addiction, this group will help you to help you, your husband and your step daughter by supporting her, but not enabling her.

It might really help you to attend. Good luck!

That is so tough. No easy answers I'm sure. Have you gone to Alanon meetings? Or other support groups - not just with her, but for you? Talking to those who have lived through and/or are in your situation may be very helpful. With those who are addicts the toughest part of living with them is knowing how to best help them. You want to help, but ultimately THEY have to help themselves. Hang in there.

Hi V., I know this is hard for you, and even harder to hear is that until she is ready to be done with alcohol and drugs, or whatever her addiction is, she won't stop. My husband has been clean and sober for 12 years. I have known him for 11. I can only say that after this many years, he is finally blossoming into someone new, and the damage is melting away very slowly. He was about your daughter's age, too, when he started using. I can't imagine him ever being that way, but he was- and his parents saw it all. One of the things that really did help him, from what they have told me, is counseling. You may have to try out a few different ones, but counseling is huge. Also, kids suffering from some kind of depression or chemical imbalance will self medicate because they know they feel good when they are using, and they are constantly after that feeling of goodness. Being lonely can also make it worse. Your step daughter, among all other things, is at home, in her room, on independant study. There are no friends, no outings, no friday night football games to look forward too...granted she has not earned your trust, but still. The loneliness can overcome a girl in no time flat.
I would say to not put her in a teen recovery group unless it is all girls and you can attend with her- boys are a distraction and addicts very often find comfort with one another, leading to unhealthy relationships because they themselves are unhealthy. Other girls, though, can empower one another and encourage one another. She might need a light medication, and I would suggest again to get her a female counselor who understands not only addiction, but the road to recovery.
Be there for her, be there with her, but don't enable her. Eventually she will be able to walk on her own- the deal is she needs to be convinced and truly believe that it is time to change in her own mind.
I hope this helps.
Good luck. Prayers are with you.
-E.

I'm wondering if your local community college offers high school completion/college credit classes. Sometimes there are programs for kids who aren't in traditional high school for many reasons and the college program can help them graduate (without getting a G.E.D.) while going to college. Some kids just aren't a good fit for big high schools, and vice versa. There are also alternative programs geared towards kids that struggle with addiction, usually through the public school system. Just ideas..

get her to do volunteer work....whether a homeless shelter, nursing home, or somwhere to work with kids that are doing physical therapy, anywhere that will get her mind off her addiction & thinking about others & their struggles

if you can afford it for schooling put her in some classes for homeschooled kids.....by me they offer all kinds of classes at churches, you can take one class or multiple

how about an excercise class or zumba, girls usually love to dance, maybe both of you can take the class together

..if she likes art maybe she can find somewhere to volunteer for that or she can take a pottery class......find her interest & go with it

just be there for her no matter waht, it will pay off for everyone, sorry you and your family are going thru this

I'm not surprised that the independent study program isn't working for her; studying/working on your own without a teacher/boss checking in with you frequently is difficult, even for the most motivated kid/person, which your addict is not.

She will not stay clean until she decides she wants to. Unfortunately this is true for every addiction: tobacco, alcohol, food, drugs, etc. You didn't talk about whether she's getting counseling or other help in fighting her addiction other that isolating her from the real world. There are reasons she uses, and until you get to those and help with those, she will continue to be an addict.

I agree that she has to break ties with her old drug friends, but at some point she'll have to go back out into the world on her own. She needs to be prepared to cope with that as a recovering addict (when she gets to that point).

Try to understand that simply having someone provide the "ideal" environment for getting off and staying off drugs is not the solution. Again, until SHE decides she wants to be clean, she will NOT be clean.

Find and help with the issues that make her use drugs and you'll all be happier. Just remember that you can't make her stop; she has to want to stop.

Hi. I commend you for wanting to be of help and support to your step daughter. It sounds like she, and you, are having a rough time. If she is in a rehab program, that's a great place to start. They may be able to suggest other resources to you, like a therapist or county resources that could help with school placement. I second the suggestion that you (and your husband if he's willing) may want to check out al-anon as a resource for your own support. I have several addicts in my life and I have found al-anon to be a huge help and support for me. Attending al-anon has made my life much more rich and healthy. You can find out about local meetings by typing al-anon into any search engine online. I wish you and your step daughter the best of luck.

I would start with a church group. Many church groups have teen recovery groups and she can see teens who have overcome the same things that she may be. She also should see counseling so she could work through her pain and the source that causes the addictive behavior. Churches like Cathedral of Faith, Jubilee, Bethal have outreach programs. Good Luck and you are doing a good job. Keep strength and the belief that this too shall pass with a positive outcome!!

Is she close to her father? You don't mention him in your post so I'm guessing not. I would encourage both you and your husband to spend time with her doing healthy, productive and enjoyable things. For example, my teen daughter and I were not getting along very well but I knew she was interested in sewing so I signed the two of us up for a Saturday workshop. We had a really great afternoon together, it got us out of the house, away from her friends and we both learned something new. Volunteering together is another great activity. Does she like animals? You can help out at the local animal shelter. The key is to do it together. Even if she says she doesn't want to (which they almost always say!) just sign up and make her try it. Hopefully you can get your husband on board too. Good luck :)

I have a few suggestions for you. I home schooled my children by choice not nedcesity, but I think the same will apply to your situation. There are homeschool groups she can be involved in. We were and we didn't join until our kids were around 15 and 16 because we moved to a different town, so it is possible to start interacting with kids who are in the home educated environment. They get a graduation and everything to be involved in, Many groups even have a yearbook club where th kids create it. and PE too. Check online if your area has a group.
My other suggestion is to try to get her into a college class for one of her choice classes(electives) the Jr. Colleges offer students the chance to take a class in the college environment as a high school student. The adults that go to college are not the bored high school kids who find enjoyment in being high. They are a different crowd and bring on responsibility in the youth that attend. The student gets three units towards high school for evey college unit taken. She could take a fun class, like photography or art or drama.
Just my 2 cents. Time changes everythiong, and she will mature and grow up. Just be there for her. She needs your love and acceptence.

It didn't sound like you are involved in a church? I would suggest maybe trying out a couple of churches youth groups and see if maybe she could meet a few kids there that she could be friends with. You could maybe go without her first to speak with the youth pastor, see what they believe, speak with him/her about your daughter and kinda feel it out....that is my best suggestion. Another option is to maybe get her involved in some sort of sporting activity? Are there any sports that she likes?

Hi,
Boy, are you in a bad situation! You definitely have my sympathy. I am a family therapist who specializes in teens, and my first question would be: 'How are you and your husband doing with this?'-- I can easily imagine a lot of strife since there's the 'step' issue on top of everything else. My advice would be: back off and let her sink or swim by herself. I know it seems harsh, but at 16 she's old enough to make her own choices and face the music herself. If you can get your husband solidly on your side, you both should let her know that it's on her to clean up her act, do well in school, etc. and that she only has X amount of time on your dime. Dangling a carrot like 'If you can get yourself into a four year school, we'll pay for tuition' would give her some motivation.
Finding friends would be good-- if you pick them, she probably won't like them, 'just cause' but ask her what she enjoys (besides using substances) and see if you can find a group she can go to around that-- music, art, theater-- you never know.
Lastly, Bea Goldman in Menlo Park specializes in teens with substance issues. She could be the best money you ever spend.

Well part of her behavior is very normal for a 16 year old! Being lazy is in the contract. =) Maybe find some things to do together...learn how to sew, buy some board games, take an art class, garden...do things WITH her. She may grumble at first but she will get over it.
Take her to church, get her involved with youth groups. She may not know how to make friends. =/ Is she in therapy? She may benefit from that.

My only thought was to take her down and have her volunteer at the homeless shelters in your area....maybe after a few months of that taking up her weekends she will realize, that that is an option for her if she doesn't stop with the drugs!

Addiction is not an easy thing to deal with. One of the key elements of recovery is learning how to live again without an altered state of mind. It's a very difficult thing to do. I think keeping her door open is a good thing. you said you have her in rehab, but you didn't say what that consists of. I imagine it's meetings once or twice a week, perhaps more. There are noon meetings of NA all over the place. Perhaps you can find her a noon meeting to attend. Drop her off and go have lunch yourself. Also, maybe she can volunteer. That's a great way for her to spend her time, meet new people and feel like she has a purpose. It would be great for self-esteem and I imagine she has some issues around that. By the way, don't kid yourself. No matter what you do, if she wants to get high/drink, she will find a way. So, your best bet is to try to establish a good relationship with her, support her in her recovery, perhaps go to meetings with her to show your support and encourage her to volunteer. Maybe you could volunteer somewhere together. There were issues in her life that caused her to use drugs/drink. Make sure that she's digging deep in her rehab and dealing with those issues. Otherwise, she's just abstaining from the use of drugs/alcohol, but not recovering from addition. Huge difference!

What about volunteer work? She needs to see how her life will be if she choses to make these decisions so taking her to a homeless shelter, battered womans shelter, crisis nursery, or something of this nature may help her come in contact with people who didn't make good choices in life. I am not in anyway saying all people that find themselves in a place listed above are drug addicts or all made poor choices. They are just suggestions for places she can volunteer. This will get her out of the house and hopefully show her how she does not want to end up.

After reading the comments I really love the idea of finding another outlet. Dance, art, sports, singing, acting whatever gives her a sense of accomplishment. Everyone wants to feel needed and feel like people are proud of them. Especially their parents. No matter how much a child does not want to admit it. She may not even know if any of the things I listed above might give her these feelings but you have to try. Be creatvie -- horse back riding, gardening, rock wall climbing, sky diving. There has to be something else that can give her that high. Do you have a local 4-H group? She can learn many things through the group for little cost to you. Also look at your local community or people that need help on their farm. Make it a win win.

Hello V.,
I am a parent and a professional who works with young people like your step daughter. I recommend exploring working with an educational consultant who can assess the overall situation and recommend a course of action including specific referrals to professionals, schools, etc that will help your daughter. I am part of a group of educational consultants called the Bodin Group based in the bay area (Los Altos and Lafayette). We do free initial consultations; if you would like more information call ###-###-####. Bodin's website is www.thebodingroup.com. I wish you the best of luck on your journey....

I think it is best for her to communicate with people who were former addicts . That might increase her social skills .