Al-Anon - First Time Going, Questions

I commend you on your bravery! YES.. it's truly annonymous. Nobody there will know your last name. You can even give a fake first name if you want to. That being said, if you go to a meeting in the town or city you live in, you may be surprised to see many other people that you know there too. Don't let this stop you. They will NEVER talk about your being at the meeting, seeing you, and it will NEVER be held against you. They are there as a group to SUPPORT you. You may choose to introduce yourself and even speak a bit, or not say a word, it's up to you. BTW, tears are VERY normal at al- anon meetings. It happens ALL THE TIME! They will probably have a couple of "seasoned" veterans, by which I mean people who have been coming for several years, who are kind of running the meeting , just so it has some type of rhythm, but there isn't really a leader. AA participants get "sponsors" and at al- anon they sometimes try to find someone with similar circumstances to yours, (which could be everyone who is there by the way) , and possibly match you with someone as a buddy to kind of help you out. They may have books that you can read, and other suggestions to help YOU through this time. This meeting is about helping to heal YOU. Honestly, if you live with an alcoholic, he is sick. It's a disease. You are sick as well since you live with that person. You need to get yourself healthy so you can do what YOU need to do with your life. I am SO PROUD of you for taking this first big step! It will make you feel so much better. You will understand so much more, about yourself and about your husband. You will feel better right away, just knowing that you are NOT alone. I understand it all. I lived with it for the first 24 years of my life, and when you are raised that way, you have to "unlearn it." I wouldn't be surprised if you laughed as well as cried at the meeting. Some of the people there can tell some pretty funny stories. WEll, if you ever need someone.......... I am here too. Just PM me. Good luck and congrats! You will do just fine! <3 I will be thinking about you!! :)

First off, my upmost respect for you .
As far as the meetings go, they usually run an hour, people talk or listen. Their is no etiquette, and usually their is a leader to run things along and make sure everyone that wants to talk has that opportunity.

It's anonymous. Safe. You are free to say what is on your mind and heart without judgement and fear. It can be very comforting to know you aren't alone in your thoughts, and their are others who can support and encourage you along the way.

Don't be afraid. You are making a great decision.

OK. First, to answer your questions.

First thing first; all anonymous groups have sponsors. It doesn't matter if it's NA, AA, CoDA, OA, etc. The purpose of the sponsor is to guide through the 12 steps of recovery. Once you've been in your group for a while, choose a sponsor. I've included a link on how to choose a sponsor. Just take out the word alcohol and insert whatever you want.

http://12-steps-recovery.com/resources/sponsors/

And here are the steps. Recovery for you is in the steps. Notice how I said you, not your husband. This very important to understand.

http://www.12step.org/

Yes, it is OK to start talking, even if you begin crying. Everyone in the room has been there.

Yes, there is etiquette for the most part. I know it's hard but have your thoughts somewhat together. Also, do what's called share the time. In other words, keep your share to less than 5 minutes or so. Believe me, 5 minutes is a long time to talk so you'll be fine. Try not to cross talk when others are speaking, but I doubt you'll do that.

I can't remember when it comes to chairing the meets. I think you volunteer to chair if I'm not mistaken. But anyway, they make announcements, collect funds, etc. The speaker tends to choose who will share at that particular meeting, if there is a speaker. The meeting can be long or short. It depends on how many people showed up that day. You can also leave if you need to.

Yes, people will talk with you. Stay after for a little bit and get to know the others. This is VERY important. This is your new support system. You're going to need them.

Yes, in theory, it's anonymous, but you can run into people who you know. In most cases, they're not going to tell your business because they are there too. I mean, there are exceptions. Besides, after a while you won't really care. I know that sounds crazy, but you really won't once you get into the program.

Here is a link for online support. PLEASE do not use this as a replacement for face to face meetings!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoho...

Good luck on your road to recovery. If you want to talk about it, you can PM me.

oh, my dear. i'm so sorry, and i'm covering you with flowers for being wise enough to take steps yourself to learn to deal. you will be very glad you went to al-anon.
the meeting will be done in an hour, you're fine doing it on your lunch break. yes, you might cry. if you wear make-up, be prepared to re-apply. there's no etiquette that you need to be pre-warned about. feel free to share, or just to listen and take it all in for the first few meetings. not everyone's story will resonate with you, but all will have useful tidbits and some will strike deep chords. there's no way to tell if people will be warm and welcoming, or will just attend the meeting and leave, but it's EXTREMELY unlikely that you'll be made to feel weird or awkward. i've never known that to happen. you'll be fine, and my bet is that at least a couple of people make a point to speak to you privately and make you feel welcome.
yes, it's totally anonymous.
you are in my prayers.
khairete
S.

I remember my first AA meeting - scared and ashamed.

But that was in my head. People were joking and laughing and being friendly.

In the meeting itself (Al-anon should be pretty similar) - there will be some preliminary stuff - readings, introductions etc. After that, groups generally follow an 'open discussion' or 'speaker' format.

"Open discussion" is taking a topic from one of the readings, or seeing if anyone has a topic on their mind.

"Speaker" format is a member telling their story (20-40 min) and then discussion afterwards.

Every group is different.

If you wish, you can identify as a 'new' and will almost certainly get a handful of people after the meeting wanting to welcome you and give you phone numbers and information (so that you can call them to talk, or if you want a sponsor).

If the meeting is a smaller one, they might go around the room for discussion, (one of my meetings passes a rubber ducky to deliniate whose turn). You are free to pass. When passing, the standard line is usually "My name is Michelle, and I'd just like to listen" (or something - this is just to give you an idea)

BTW - guess what one of the big issues that both AA and Al-anon deal with - fear. :)

The meetings....think sunday school. Not really a rigid 'teaching' format, but more of a discussion and support group. However, as someone mentioned, interuptions are considered "cross talk". Not a big deal, but waiting your turn to talk is held in high regard b/c otherwise everyone would want to talk at the same time.

I can't think of anything more - and I sent you a PM, but if anyone reading this has more questions, please PM me.

GOOD for YOU!
So many people need to go, say they're going to go, and never follow through.
All groups will be different.
Like Dad said, most groups are speaker or open discussion.
Just GO.
You don't have to "do" anything or ay a word.
You'll be amazed at the number of people in your shoes.
You're wise to realize you will do this for YOU, and HE will seek help when he's ready, not until.
But I'll bet you your "normal" shifts just a wee bit right away...

I have no advice. Just support and a friendly hug. Good luck to you brave lady! You can do this, you are doing the right thing, I applaud you. You are a good wife and a good person. One day your husband will thank you. One of the dads on here - I think DadOnPurpose (not positive) is a former alcoholic and has given GREAT advice. Maybe PM him, as a dad, for advice on how to get your husband to go to a meeting, and get on the road to recovery.

I'm a recovering addict and have been to MANY NA meetings. The meetings are for a set amount of time - usually one hour. People will talk to you and try to make you feel welcome and comfortable.

It's okay to cry - we all do it on occasion. It's how we release our stress. The one thing I've learned at the meetings is not to try to hug the person who is crying. Hugging them usually stops the crying - in this forum you don't want to stop the emotions - you want to feel them and work through them. So, if someone else starts crying, pat their shoulder or whatever, but don't hug them. Let them feel and work through their pain.

The meetings are anonymous. People only introduce themselves by their first names and even outside the meetings, everyone is very careful not to divulge the identity of anyone else.

I think you'll find that you enjoy the meetings and it will be good for you to make friends with people who are in the same situation.

I want to acknowledge how much courage to admit that a loved one is addicted and that his addiction has affected you--you are starting up the right path. At least you are breaking through YOUR denial, and that's the only denial which you can control. Your dear spouse has to come to his own realizations and follow his own path--and Al-Anon will help you to heal from the damage and unproductive habits you've developed from living with his disease. To answer some of your questions... tears are SOOOO common at Al-Anon meetings, there usually is a box of tissues sitting in the room and if there isn't, several people will pull some out from their bags when needed. Lunch meetings are timed to fit people's work schedules, so it's expected that people have an hour.As a new person, some people who have a little extra time will almost certainly be ready to chat with you afterwards. In terms of etiquette, during the meeting, people share for a few minutes in turn without asking each other questions or telling someone else what s/he should do about a situation, however afterwards, people chat and might discuss things in more detail. You might want to make sure to get phone numbers from a couple people after the meeting, so that during the week when things feel overwhelming and you need a listening ear, you can touch base with someone who understands. Some meetings have printed lists with numbers of regular members, and if someone's name is on that list, s/he is willing to be called by ANYONE in need. As for the anonymity, remember that anyone in that room is there because s/he is dealing with the same disease and its effects, and they know recovery works through the safety of guarding each other's anonymity. If you happen to run into someone you know, you can trust that s/he will keep that information private, just as you will keep their presence private. Yes, this time is scary, however the meetings will give you a network of people who have been there and are helping each other develop tools for recovering. Good luck, and feel free to private message me too!