Teen Break-up Advice?

Updated on November 05, 2011
M.M. asks from Springfield, IL
6 answers

My 14 year old just broke up with her first real bf, and it's safe to say she isnt taking it great. I have a 16 year old daughter, but i never had to deal with that with her because she has been with the same boy since freshman year (now a junior) So I a little speechless on this one. I know first break-up's are always hard. All ive done was sit there and hug her, and give her encouraging words. My 16 year old was gone all morning, but when she got home she talked to her, and my 16 year olds bf told maddie (14) he'd go beat the boy up, which i thought was cute :)
so any of you moms been throu this want to give me advice?
Thanks!
Yes, i know 14 is sorta young, but she is a freshman, and when she came to me and my husband about it, we agreed because, she probally would of datted someone behind our backs that if taht was the case. My husband did meet the kid, and talked to him, and my husband is a great dad! And the boy my 16 year old is datting, he worked on the farm helping my hubby since he was 13, so he is like a family frined! And a great kid!

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T.J.

answers from Los Angeles on

14 is sort of young to have a boyfriend. Now she's feeling like it's the end of the world because she's really too immature to process it for what it real is.
Dating and breaking up is NOT the same as getting a divorce by any means.
Cheer her up with some ice cream and remind her that it's not the end of the world. The more you feed it, the more emotional she will become. It's better to be treated as "oh well, there are more fish in the sea".... and let it go. Hopefully she wont want another "boyfriend" for awhile and concentrate on better things.

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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Ugh. I don't think there is anything you can do but let her cry.
I remember when I broke up w/my first love, I couldn't talk to my mom.
Just let her know you are there for her.
Let her wallow for a week or so.
Then maybe try to provide some distraction: renting a comedy movie (no sad, sappy love stories!), buy her some teen magazines to thumb through, buy her a book? (no love stories), stick a deck of cards in her room, buy some checkers to leave out in the kitchen so if she passes by them she may ask you if you want to play etc.
Don't try to make her do anything. She will resent it, she is too sad &
won't want to.
Turn on the comedy channel once in awhile when she passes by living room.
Don't say "you'll get over this" or "you'll find someone else". Even
though that's true...that killed me to hear it. Of course, mom was right. :)

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M.B.

answers from Washington DC on

I think the problem started when a teen that young gets "serious" with another teen for SO LONG. She's very young, depending on a boyfriend so early? that is sad. I'm gonna try and encourage our girls at that age that there's NO REASON to be going "steady" with someone for that long. Date around. Have fun, you are KIDS, don't take everything so seriously. Leave the complicated, long-term relationships for adulthood!

So, my advice is only based on the fact that I would not have let them be SO attached at such a young age. If I was in your situation, I'd just use it as an example that they ARE still kids and relationships should only be serious when you get older. I'd tell her to have fun and take it easy. Now she isn't weighed down by the obligations, restrictions, and the crazy emotions that a relationship can have. You are only 16 once....

And I'm not saying a teen isn't capable of a strong bond with another... but I think that a long romantic relationship does not belong in childhood. It robs them of something.

OH... Wait... I thought you were talking about how your 16 year old just broke up with her boyfriend that shes had since freshman year... but you are talking about a 14 year old?!? Geez, what's up with the need to have a boyfriend at 14? I liked boys then, for sure... went on some dates (with different guys- and VERY casual. ended up more like going out with a boy who is a friend kind of thing). Never had an official boyfriend! 14 is DEFINITELY too young. Too bad you can't convince her otherwise cause I'm sure if Big Sis is doing it, she's got to, too... :(

I'm not trying to sound harsh. I hope these girls have a GOOD father in their lives. You don't want them out there dating to try to replace anything lost from absence of a good father.

Gosh, just re-read what I wrote. Just trying to say I'm really not trying to be mean, but I may have come across as such...

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M.X.

answers from Las Vegas on

Validate her feelings. She may be 14 but you did give her permission to be in a "relationship" so the loving feelings are real to her. Keep her busy for the next little bit..do things that she enjoys so she can't just sulk. It will let her know that she can still have fun even though she is sad.

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L.M.

answers from New York on

Lots of love, hugs and reassurance. Distract her, maybe go for a girls weekend just you and your daughters? If you can't afford something like that, do something nice like go out for a mani/pedi, or something else she likes.

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B.G.

answers from Champaign on

I don't have girls, much less teenage girls, so obviously take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

Hug her, love her, let her know that her feelings are valid. Encourage her to go out with her girlfriends: go to a movie (I agree, it should be a comedy), go bowling, something like that. Encourage her to do something fun! With the girls should help.

If she feels like this isn't a time she wants to hang out with friends, maybe you and your other daughter could do a girls night out. Right now, I would guess she could use a good laugh and to be reminded that she is loved by her family.

She might need a good "wallow." We all do sometimes. Please let her know that it's ok to cry, and it's ok to be sad. But it's not ok to be either of those for long, because she's a great person, and she deserves to be happy!

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