My daughter is four and half years old and has started Pre-K at a local daycare because I work full-time. Next year, Alyssa will no longer be an only child, as I am expecting a baby in the spring.
Without judgement please, I am wondering how to teach her to be more content. I understand at her age she needs to be around other children. During the summer, I tried many ways to make that happen by taking her to the playground frequently, attending library events, and whenever possible a playdate. I do not always have other moms' to hang out with for playdates so it ends up with a lot of time spent with just Alyssa and myself. My husband works long hours and on weekends he usually attends to household maintenance such as cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn or he wants to watch sports occasionally. That isn't to say we never do things as a family.
I know the old saying goes, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" meaning I grew up feeling not content and always yearning to be entertained. My sister is seven years younger so we didn't have a lot in common. I try hard to get Alyssa out to do things but spending money on children's shows, museums, etc. isn't always in our budget. Alyssa has toys but either she has outgrown much of them or doesn't like playing with them because she won't play alone for more than five minutes.
I read to Alyssa everyday and play boardgames with her. She has a swing set and we have a great dog too. All summer long, I encouraged Alyssa to do projects with me. I am a former teacher and downloaded a program with themes for each month. She liked some of the activities but when it comes to coloring and painting, she loses interest quickly. I am hoping for Christmas as a gift we can enroll her in a class. I tried enrolling her in a dance class when she turned four in March but she cried and had no interest. I was thinking maybe gymnastics or for awhile she showed interest in the violin based on a children's show. I even bought her a toy violin last Christmas. But she has lost interest in it now maybe because it's a toy.
Alyssa saw her two and a half year old cousin frequently this summer and she seems happiest when the two can play together. I had to explain to her now that school has begun, we won't see her cousin as much. She lives close enough that we can get together on weekends though.
Next spring I will be busy with a new baby. Of course I plan on asking Alyssa for a lot of help within her abilities as she will be an older big sister. I just hope I can still give Alyssa the attention she craves as she is a "Mommy's Girl."
Thanks for the advice.
You need to DO less. Nervy Girl, all the way.
If you want them to be content with less, give them the opportunity to practice.
First, let me say this-- with all due respect, being content as a person-- I believe this anyway-- has much to do with both temperament and maturity. As a child, I found that most of my 'content' moments as a young person happened when I was allowed to do what I wished and wasn't being instructed. As an older person, finding contentment is a conscious choice I make, a practice of *noticing* where I am, what's going on, and being aware of that stillness or quiet in my soul.
Of course, all of this is purely philosophical, but I wanted to explain how different a child's sense of contentment is in comparison to an adult understanding.
I am very blessed in that I have a fairly sweet, mellow boy who has moments of contentment. Here are some of the things I have done which, I believe, have helped to facilitate developing those moments *for* him... that said, one can only set the stage and then it is also up to the child to learn how to engage/enjoy it.
1. When my son was a baby, I did not entertain him constantly. Certainly, we had moments together-- I wore him throughout my day, but he never watched tv, he didn't have 'noise toys' (press a button, something comes out and lights blink, etc.), I didn't spend a lot of time putting things in his face. Instead, I had thick padded floor mats for him to lie on, wiggle on, maybe some toys strung overhead for him to bat/kick at, etc. I figured that he was learning about life and so he got lots of life, lots of singing, looking at books when I had a few moments.
2 As a toddler, I included him in some activities, and still played with him from time to time, but he had a lot of down time to explore simple toys on the floor or sensory activities, sometimes with narration from me (for language development) and sometimes not. I still wore him quite a bit,but mostly let him do as he could. (I am also a bit unusual in that I actually had gates around the house, so the common areas were completely baby-proofed, which allowed him more independence.)
3. Ensuring a 'quiet time' for both child and parent. Quiet time is a MUST for parents and their children. I think that we can introduce that concept even before they drop their afternoon naps, even if it's only for 10-15 minutes to start. Use a timer and then repeatedly enforce the expectation. If this means putting a good gate on the doorway to their room to keep them in there, so be it. Start small-- even five minutes-- just so the child knows that A. the timer will go off and B. you will come to get them when it does. They need to experience this and believe this in order to relax and feel secure enough to get engaged in playing, which is what we want. Start small and go from there, make quiet playtime part of your everyday routine. (in fact, when Kiddo was able to go off and play alone regularly, we moved quiet playtime to a time after his stories at night-- now it's a special 'stay up quiet playtime *treat*).
4. Go for more open-ended art activities and less product-oriented projects. I don't really know how much you are doing of one or the other; a great resource is Mary Ann Kohl's "Preschool Art"-- there are lots of great 'set it up and then step back' ideas which your girl might deeply engage in. I found my preschoolers also really enjoyed play-dough, provided I included more useful things like rolling pins, playdough scissors, cutters, etc. The usual packs of extruders and shape cutters often frustrated the kids (the shapes sometimes turned out wrong due to lack of fine motor skills and the extruders are hard for little fingers). Instead, you can use craft sticks, glass stones, buttons, etc.
5. Keep life simple. Notice more. This is what I have learned about contentment-- it is the choosing to notice what's good or special about the world as it is which helps to nurture that feeling. Explore simply, and look to see what SHE is noticing. So often, as parents, we turn our children's attention away from something natural to something which is more of a spectacle. (Kind of like when the parent is saying "ooh! Look at the airplane!" when the toddler is busy scrutinizing a ladybug.) Make the natural a spectacle. So often, I have brought my son outside to see a gorgeous sunset or to observe the colors of the morning sky, how the light only hits the tops of the trees first... moments like this. Going on a walk through the neighborhood, we notice so many things--how the catkins from the alder trees look like 'worms' or butterflies sipping nectar or how the grasshoppers hiding in the zinnias have those long red lines on their legs. I am a firm believer the mundane is marvelous and not to be ignored, while much else is mostly spectacle.
6. Get busy yourself, set her up to work near you or on her own, but not doing what you are doing. As a nanny, I took time every morning and afternoon to clean the kitchen well and the kids knew that it was time for them to keep themselves busy. Likewise, with my son, I do tell him "this is Mom's work time right now" and "I'll come see in five minutes"-- we've talked about how, in days of old, mommies and daddies didn't really play too much with their children. You might try the Little House in the Big Woods
as a chapter book-- it details all of the work of the adults and shows how the children were helpers, but the parents only really spent playing time with their children in the evenings as they gathered to read or sing or listen to Pa's fiddle. My son is an only child, and we've talked about the work of children and the work of adults. This may be for when she's older, but I feel like parents often spend WAY too much time worrying about playing with their kids these days and things can get easily out of balance. I'm not saying that this is your situation, just food for thought. Most of our ancestors and even now in more traditional societies-- we adults didn't spend the day worrying about entertaining the kids.
What I also want to suggest is that I think your girl is ready for a preschool setting, where it isn't focused on one activity, but is really play-based and focused on helping children develop socially and emotionally. Part of this is because I wonder if her reluctance toward any class may be due to some separation anxiety on her part. She may be so used to doing things with you and having you as a (very easy, very predictable) playmate that doing something like that is really stepping out of her comfort zone.
Lastly, if you can, get out for some nature exploration. Find parks with safe water features or is there a place with a little beach/brook nearby, something very safe where she you can sit close while she plays with in the water? Do you have any forested areas/parks to go visit and explore? Let her collect up a bunch of leaves and acorns, bring small paper bag for treasures, etc. Give her things which she can do parallel to you while turning her attention from you to other engagements, like hunting for pinecones or exploring rocks, turning them over with a stick. I really do believe that children need nature and wild places to soothe something inside them-- we all do.
I know this is long and became more of a philosophical essay than just a 'do this'.... you sound like a very loving and connected mom. Just don't take too much of Allysa's responsibility for entertainment on yourself, you know? And congratulations on your upcoming baby!
sounds to me as if you're already doing everything right. i'm not sure you can teach 'contentment.' i don't know what anyone could do to teach it to me.
you CAN allow her to develop her own methods of entertaining herself, which is an invaluable skill. but honestly, from what you post here, you're already using a thoughtful mix of maternal involvement and hands-off. actually, a little more hands-off wouldn't be a bad thing.
you say she won't play alone for more than 5 minutes, but you're in charge of that, aren't you? i'd tell her she's welcome to play alongside of whatever you're doing, but put some clear boundaries around play-with-mommy time and play-near-mommy time.
it's hard for us NOT to let our own perceptions sway our parenting. if you were a child who wanted to be entertained all the time, it's a challenge NOT to project that onto alyssa. but even if she's just like you in that respect, it doesn't mean it has to be indulged. we can and should know and respect our children's personalities, but that doesn't mean we turn ourselves inside out to create just the reality they want. our kids are born into our families for good or ill, and for every you and alyssa there are a hundred kids who disconsolately long to be only children and have some privacy and more attention from their parents. reality isn't always perfect.
a park visit a couple of times a week is a great way to allow her to play with other kids and maybe meet new friends. and when the baby comes she'll have the baby to distract her and play with. but she's going to HAVE to learn at that point that mommy can't be at her beck and call, so some independence now will pay off big for everyone soon.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.
It sounds like she's happiest when she can be active and with other kids. I think you should join a play group or try to meet other moms and kids at the park. It sounds like she's just starting pre school, so she'll get a lot of interaction there. It doesn't sound like you can do much more since you said you're working full time.
Sounds quite normal to me, my kids are happiest when they are with their friends. Preschool will be great for her. I did as many playgroups and play dates when my kids were little since I was lonely and needed the mom interaction. And I put my first in Preschool when she was 2 years 9 months, a few months before our 2nd was born so she did not think I dropped her off there to spend time with a new baby. Your hormones may be skewing your outlook a bit: I remember sobbing in my room a few weeks before the 2nd was born worrying how I could possibly give my firstborn the love and attention she needed. They are 3 years apart and it turns out they get along fabulously well (still at 13 and 16). Take a deep breath, all will be well.
Try to to over do it. Let her play on her own for a little while each day. I played sooo much w/ my first one. I always felt like I had to keep her busy.
My second one was less occupied by me. I was busier w/ work. She is much more content occupying herself.
Make a few playdates for her. Let her play with friends without the playdate being totally structured. If she is in Pre-K full day now...She will be learning to play w/ others independently.
Hi A.,
In my opinion, more than teaching her to be more content, encourage your daughter to play or do things independently. The arrival of a new baby is a lot of changes not just for you but for your child, and it is very good that you are thinking of this ahead! Besides the visits to a park, playground, library, she also needs to learn how to entertain herself:
- Give your daughter art supplies (crayons, markers, construction paper, Crayola paint or so, etc) Look online about activities/handcraft ideas that you can show to your kid, I am sure she will love these! She may want to sit down in the kitchen table, in the dining room, etc while you do your stuff.
- Legos are fantastic for boys and girls; even organize them it is fun for them! Puzzles of different sizes are interesting and fun.
- A tea set is wonderful for her to have a tea party and invite all her dolls and stuff animals.
- To make things more fun. Rotate her toys. Yes!. Pick up some of the toys she is not playing too much with and place them in a box somewhere else, after a couple of weeks give them to your daughter and she will be so excited to play with toys she has not seen for a while, and you will have more room in your house. Nice isn't it?!
- before the new baby arrives, ask her to help you to get everything ready like your bag for the hospital, and the clothes for the baby; may be the big sister wants also to buy a little present for the baby (and you will buy a little present for her that her baby brother/sister brought to her....sweet!)
- If you have the opportunity to enroll her in some activity she likes, that will help too. Tumbling, instrument lessons, etc.
I hope this helps a bit.
My best wishes for you, your family and the new arrival!
A. :)
Your daughter is still so young and just has not found her thing yet. Keep encouraging her to try new things because hobbies will bring such joy and happiness to her life. In the mean time I would make more of an effort to find play dates for your daughter. It won't cost you anything and she will have the opportunity to develop better friendships. (My kids are involved in musical theatre, piano and singing and my youngest took up sewing this summer. My kids also love to read.)
Mine are not content at this age. Seems normal. We ended up doing camp all day. Nothing I thought of was fun enough, free or not. And we always have a baby in the house.
She's use to having you to herself.
A new sibling is going to upset her world.
In a sense she's losing you - and she won't be the baby of the family anymore.
And the baby will be an attention magnet.
Big sister's going to feel like chopped liver if you don't make a point of spending some one on one time with her every now and then.
Get a book on how to manage sibling rivalry now.
Don't force the kids to be together all the time.
Contentment is a fine goal but I wouldn't expect for her to be reaching it anytime soon.
There are some places that do 1/2 day childcare - Kindercare in my area was very good. You could even do it 2-3-4 days a week to suit the schedule you wanted. It was helpful for me because I was able to work from home, and it was helpful for my 3 year old because he had kids his age to play with. Perhaps that would be a good balance for you. Not too much time away from mommy, but time around kids.
You won't be able to give her the same AMOUNT of attention. It's just not going to happen. All of your time won't be hers. Perhaps part time daycare is an idea that will work because it will give her the kids to play with, and give you the time you need with the baby.
I agree with signing her up for classes, play groups, etc.
It's great to be "content to be alone", but that is something that many adults do not achieve! That's what meditation is for! ;-) Don't beat yourself up if she is not good at that.
In a year or so, she can also join Brownie Scouts (the young Girl Scouts).
Join a moms groups, for an occasional weekend play dates u could even host. One at your house. Get to know the friends she makes at pre-k and meet parents at park or have a morning play date at your home. Also teach her to self entertain as that is what she's going to need to learn more of when the new baby is around. Does she have some favorite toys, dolls that she enjoys playing with by herself?
How about inviting a preschool friend over one afternoon a week for a playdate? Try doing this with several different kids from her class that she seems to get along with. I always have my 4 year old in one class. She enjoyed gymnastics for a while. Now she is signed up for swim lessons. In the spring she'll do kinderkick (soccer) and next summer I am thinking of signing her up for a dance class. She enjoys being with the other kids. My kids are both happiest when friends come over to play. We have a lot of neighbor kids, so we often have other kids over. I put water in the sandbox with the hose and they love playing in there. They love jumping on the trampoline together. They love riding bikes/tricycles together out front. Don't worry too much...but maybe schedule a playdate for every week?
