Teaching Our Children How to Prepare for LIFE......

Well yes, we DO want strong independent daughters. But we don't want them to be constantly protecting themselves against LOVE either. We want them to give love, and receive love, both of which require humility and compromise and selflessness.

So, there is a balance. The goal is a balanced girl.

:)

My mom did teach us to be very independent, and respect, but not depend on anyone for what we need (parent or husband). The most important thing is to teach them self-respect and responsibility. That will cover many if not all that you listed.

We all pretty much realize that unplanned pregnancy is the biggest hindrance for young women.
I would venture to guess that the women who finish their education prior to parenthood are the ones that have the best tools for financial and social independence. Our free education is the one thing that gives us the power to do whatever it is we want to do, you only get ONE chance at it.
Teaching our kids to rely on themselves and their own instincts and let them work through social, financial and physical challenges on their own (with our guidance) helps them to learn to trust their own judgments and not have to cry for "help" from anyone. Being dependent makes you feel weak and option-less.
Letting our kids make mistakes so that they can learn from them is the best teacher.
Good self esteem dis-allows dependencies and co-dependencies.
Giving kids a financial allowance when they are old enough to see what money can and cannot do for them is extremely helpful. Teaching them to save for things, but also not warping them into a materialistic mentality is not an easy job.
I think kids should not be privy to our own financial situation, ie- constantly telling them that you are too broke for this or that OR buying things whenever you want to as if money is of no object. Both of those are bad examples on teaching kids about the power of a dollar.
I dont think that teaching girls to be independent of men is any more important than teaching boys to be independent of women these days... it's gotten pretty darned equal if you ask me. I know lots of couples now where the girl is working and the guy is staying home and unhappy. So it works both ways.
Being independent is genderless.

It is important to teach all our children, girls and boys, to be financially independent. I don't think I would rely on day trading, but I know it works for some people. They need to learn the skills to get a job, hold a job, and advance in a job. They need people skills, technical skills, and a good work ethic. They will most likely need a college education. None of this is a guarantee in a crappy economy, but I would focus more on getting them basic life skills. If you are a strong and independent woman, your girls will be too. I would also suggest some self-defense or martial arts training for your girls, and maybe your boy too. Sure, tell them not to depend on their husband for money, but you can tell them they don't need a husband at all and they'll still get that message. Let them know that the decision to get married is one they have full control over. But your example is what they will learn from more than your words.

I am raising adults ... not children; if you keep that as your focus you will do well.
Here are examples of things we did as we were being raised as adults by my mother
My sister was 17 and in a car accident (I was in the car too, I was 11) ... my sister had to call the insurance company, mom was there if needed, and file the claim herself and deal with the auto shop, the insurance company etc all on her own w/ our mom there to help if she got stumped. When I went to the doctor's office to follow up (whiplash) I had to fill out my own paperwork at the doctor's office, I had to fill out my medical history, my current information the insurance information etc. These are things in life that I know many adults do not understand how to do. My mom always treated me like I was an adult, even at a young age, but gave me the guidance and support and love you expect from a mother. When my mom talks about us to friends they are typically impressed with the lives we lead and I strongly believe that it is because we were raised as adults from the start.

i'm glad you aren't taking ABM's advice!
i have boys, but i don't think this is a boy/girl issue. all kids should be raised to seek independence and confident contribution to the world at large.
my boys have done their own laundry for years, knew how to balance checkbooks from before they were old enough to have checking accounts, and are hard workers and good employees.
i think day trading is incredibly risky and not a great way to create security.
college is good but not the be-all and end-all. many kids are college material, some very bright, motivated, entrepreneurial ones are not. both my kids are in college but it was their choice, not us insisting. the debt they're incurring worries me. a LOT.
but that is part of them being young men and making their own choices.
khairete
S.

My focus is not: Be A Strong and Independent Woman.

My focus for both boys and girls is: be able to take care of yourselves financially. For my daughter, I have said: Get a well-paying skill under your belt in your twenties so that you have something to fall back on when you need to. I have also said, find something you can do part-time, because there is a good chance you will want to be home at least part-time when you have babies. And at that point the man will be the main breadwinner.

I don't believe in having to teach my daughter to NEVER need to be dependent, I believe in teaching her to choose a man well, so that she NEVER needs to be single. (I say that as someone who didn't always choose well.) Being "dependent" on a man is not a terrible thing, if he's a dependable man.

Gotta agree with ABM. And, by the way, in a good relationship, men and women are interdependent.

As a mom of a boy, I'll just share my experience with you:

When I had hit the wall with my exhusband, (relationshipwise), it WAS time to get out. I was fortunate enough that when I told my friend of my four-month plan to save up money to move out, she offered me a thousand-dollar loan to move out immediately. She said the idea of my staying with him reminded her too much of Sartre's "No Exit" and that she would allow me a very gracious amount of time to pay it back. (Which I promptly did.) Having a nest egg of $2000 for emergencies will be helpful, but we also have to remember when we talk to our kids about this that we not get them too anxious that we WILL need it. Teaching them to save for that rainy day, though, is a great idea.

One of my favorite bumper stickers: A Man is Not a Financial Plan!

I have 3 girls (all under 5) and am trying to figure out this for myself.

I think the best we can do is instill a good work ethic, pride in their independance and accomplishments, the importance of viable education education, and the belief that they are amazing, wonderful people that deserve to always be treated with dignity and respect.

I know of too many women that stay with abusive men because they don't believe they deserve better, or that they'll ever find someone else that will love them. And a woman's intelligence is in NO way a factor in finding a healthy relationship - as they say, love is blind (and sometimes pretty stupid if you ask me).

Young girls (and boys!) are bombarded with images of what a woman should be - and it rarely includes the strong, independant, self-assuredness that we all hope our daughters will possess.

I think it's important to teach our daughters to be independant, but also how to be in a respectful, equal relationship. Too many people are ill-equipped to comprimise and find common ground when it comes to a relationship - it's all or nothing. Finding that balance is tough, and even tougher to teach!

It's great that you want to teach your children to be self-reliant....but be sure to show them, in your own marriage, that a partnership can be just as fullfilling and rewarding - WITH the right person!

I think you are having the wrong conversation with your daughters. You should be teaching them to respect their husband and to pick a husband who will also respect her. If there is mutual respect, they will never be put in a situation like these other women are in.

********************************
Mommy: I know many women treat their husbands with respect but there are many, many women that don't (just look at all the snarky remarks on this site towards husbands). I think you missed out on the point I was making that they need to find a husband that will show an equal amount of respect back. If you have mutual respect, then you won't be put in these bad situations.

And to Suz T. Why do you feel the need to often refer negatively to someones response? I've noticed you do this quite often and like pointing out by name someone you disagree with.

I firmly believe that you should WANT someone in your life, not NEED them in your life.

That said, I am a college educated, independent minded, SAHM with a wonderful husband.

Although I am financially dependent upon my husband's income right now, I have never, nor has he ever made me feel like it's "his money". We each have a job - he 'brings home the bacon' and I take care of our children, home, grocery shopping and find creative ways to save money.

I was advised very early on several things I plan to pass along to my children:

1. Never have to be financially dependent on someone. Always keep your OWN bank account, credit card, etc. and USE THEM. Keep your credit history strong.
2. Chose a mate who you love and compliments you. I never believed a marriage is 50%-50%, but more like 90%-10%, or 40%-60% depending on the situation. For example, when it comes to the kids, I have the 90% down. My husband steps in often and picks up his 10%.
3. Always make time for your family and friends. You should never need to "ask permission" or feel guilty to get out with your friends. I think we are better and healthier people when we get some time off/away to just decompress.
4. Always take care of yourself first. I know this sounds selfish, but in my experience, when Mom (or Dad) is spent, everyone and everything suffers. No one but YOU knows if you need a nap, a drs appt, or a margarita night with your friends. Take care of yourself so you can give everyone and everything else the attention they deserve.
5. Remember that you chose your spouse. So treat him/her like your equal. Outside family has been able to make their own choices too. So don't let them infringe upon the family you have chosen/created together.
6. Everything you do in life, give 100%. When you go to college, do your best. When you interview, make them believe you are the best choice, hands down. When you fail, fail bigtime, but learn from your mistakes.

I will teach each of my children these things, regardless of gender.

My husband has always known, I want him. I may not need him. But we are much better people together, than we will ever be apart. I love having him in my life.

I am totally with you 1000%

I want to teach my daughter to respect others as well as herself. I was raised by my parents with the message that I needed to be able to be financially independent. If I got married, if I had kids, if I ended up staying home with them, if the guy was a wonderful stand-up type that could support all of us and would never do anything wrong - then great. But you can't count on that. Men can cheat, they can be over-controlling, they can be abusive, they can be overall jackwagons. Sometimes the unexpected happens and they die. And I needed to be able to leave and/or support myself if it came down to it.

So naturally I am going to be teaching my daughter the same thing, and to be responsible for herself - get an education and live a life that has meaning and is genuine to you. All the other things, like cooking and clenaing, are secondary - I figured all that out for myself along the way. If she has enough respect for herself as well as others, she'll be a fine wife and mother, as well as a citizen of the world.

I have boys so I can't answer your question...I do want to caution you on day trading. Much more money has been lost doing that than gained. Don't put in anything you can't afford to lose.

Oh yeah- and if I had girls I would teach them from an early age to respect themselves. Enough to not want to wear clothes that make them look like a hootch and enought to not want to text naked pictures of themselves to boys. I am seriously stunned at how many young girls are doing this...and then they cry as if they are the 'vicitm' when thel pictures are leaked to the school. We just had a case here this week where a 43 yo man posed as a young boy and got a ton of girls to send naked pictures of themselves to him. THIS is what I would be talking to may daughters about. Seems like self respect for girls is a lost art.

I haven't read all the responses so I may be repeating here. I think what you are doing is a great idea. It is teaching your kids basic skills they need. For your daughters - yes I agree. One thing my mom always told me was to make sure I could take care of myself if I needed to. Whether it be divorce (and she is one that was always - do everything you can to make it work until you can't anymore) or it may be your husband dying for whatever reason. A woman always needs to make sure she can take care of herself and her kids - good education, ability to work, the inner strength to do it. Keep on teaching mom !

I have a son so I can't give you the advice on what to teach the girls. I'm doing my best to try to ensure he will grow up to be an independent adult someday. Sound like you have plenty of great hints from everyone on this post already.

But I do want to say, I couldn't help but wonder why you haven't told your mother-in-law how much you have learned from her.

I think it would mean the world to her if you told her that. I don't think you are doing a diservice to your own mom by admitting how helpful your MIL has been compared to your own mom in the above mentioned examples. I think all of us strive to be better parents and make an even better life for our children than our parents did for us - it's just human nature.

But I think it would make your MIL's day to hear it from you because she may not know how you feel. Often people don't say things until after someone is gone and then they have regrets and wish they could have told them. So I just wanted to chime in about that. All the best!

I am mother to a beautiful 3 year old and I think this is one of the MOST important things that I will teach her. I have a wonderful husband who is the BEST dad. I could never have anticipated what a loving and patient father he would become but I also know that if things were different I would be 100% ok without him. This is probably why we have a great marriage - we are both present because we love, like and respect each other but we don't really "need" the other person to complete us emotionally or financially and we do NOT control each other. My mother's inability to take her of herself is the reason I was molested as a child - she allowed a man she barely knew to care for her two small girls while she worked the night shift. She never questioned why he would rearrange his work schedule to do this.

My husband and I also discuss how important his actions are - how he treats me and other women is a powerful lesson that is completely in his control. He will teach her what it is to be valued and respected as a woman. In the same respect, if I had a boy I would also teach him that his value as a man is not only measured by the salary he brings home or the financial contribution he makes to the household.

I am so blessed to have a career that allows me to work from home and make an equal amount of income as my spouse. Until recently, I often made 2x or 2.5x as much as my husband. It wasn't really an issue in our marriage, but I would never be able to sleep at night if I was ignorant about our finances or totally dependent on him.

True happiness in life and in marriage (whether you are a man or a woman) is about finding someone who lifts you up to be more than you are but you have to be a complete person (emotionally, spiritually, and often financially) before you invite someone else to share your life. No one else can fix you and relationships are often unhinged by an imbalance in perceived "power" whether it's money or someone appearing to love the other person more, etc.

You are on the right track - Great Job!! Here's to the next generation of independent women!!

I agree with most of what you are doing. I have taught my daughter life lessons as well. I taught her that making her own money and not depending on anyone ( I did not mention a man is this ) will make her a strong independent women. I taught her to give respect as well and she is a lovely young loving women today. She does not let anyone take advantage of her naturally good nature. She is a wonderful business women who takes care of herself. Her choices in men are getting better as she matures and now she is very picky on who she will spend her time with. I have succeeded as a mother an now its up to her to put the tools I taught her to great use. Your doing a great job doing what your doing, I just would not put to much into making sure your daughters do not lean on a man. If your bringing up independent strong well adjusted children who can take care of themselves they will not have to lean on anyone. Great job mom and dad!

All children should be taught life skills - boys and girls. Both need to be educated with skills to be financially independent. Also able to cook, clean and maintain a house. It may be that a girl or boy may not marry until they are in their late twenties, thirties, forties or maybe never. They will need to support themselves - financially and practically. It may be that a marriage might not work. Either sex can be widowed. I think only a truly neglectful parent (or super rich one) would not prepare a child to seek meaningful work.

I really thought teaching girls to look for husbands to avoid being single had gone out in the forties. You know, going to school to get your MRS. I hope it doesn't mean I will need to start teaching my son how to avoid women who only want him so they don't have to be single anymore.

i have 3 independent girls ages, 21-26-29. none are married, none have children, they do have boyfriends that seems like they are depending of the girls, which is irritating to me, lol.

yes, very tru, us parents teach our girls by how we go on about our lives. they have a good relationship with their dad, so they see how he interacts with me and other women. girls need nurturing from a dad which many girls do not have thus confused when the boyfriend comes around for sexual needs and confusing this with male nurturing.

keep teaching ur children the way ur doing. also dad can always teach the girls how to check the oil under hood, tire pressure and the eww stuff like hooking a worm for fishing and other boy stuff haha, and boys the same, washing dishes and sewing a button will come in handy when they come across a independent woman, lol.

I guess im not really teaching my kids not to depend on their husbands for money. I depend on my husband for money while my kids aren't old enough for school. i want them to learn that being a SAHM is important. But i am also teaching important life skills as well. My kids are actually quite independent in their routines. My 8 year old could make a balanced meal for 4 using the oven and stove. and can pretty much do everything required to clean herself and the house if she had to. My 2 year old dresses herself and she coordinates it herself. She also puts her own shoes on and puts her dishes in the sink.

My mom died when i was 8 and i had to then take on the responsibilities of the house. I kept up after my dad, and 2 brothers even though i was the youngest. I think the self reliance totally rubbed off me onto my kids. Sometimes i think i could coddle them a little more. But it doesnt come naturally.

*****i think teaching your daughters that men are awful cant possibly be a good thing. Teach them to find the right kind of man, the kind that would support their pregnant wife or mother of their child..

First of all, teach by example. Let them be involved and talk to them about what you are doing at each stage of their development.

For instance at a young age, teach them responsibility by letting them do chores. Teach them to save by getting them a piggy bank and letting them put coins in it to save for something THEY might want in the future.

As they get older, coach them based on your own life experiences and those of others. Provide books and learning materials that will help them succeed spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Give them opportunity to make their own decisions and practice making them so that when time comes to make real ones, they are equipped.

I am showing my kids by doing it. They watch us as parents more than anything else and if we are not leading by example, they are not going to get it.

As for the husband thing and being independent of men, I think the focus should be on being independent for self, learning how to make ends meet on their own in the event your daughters never get married - AND If they do get married, learn what it takes to honor, respect their spouses without leaving themselves out of the picture.

I am teaching all of my children to, among other things, be independent, responsible adults who can stand on their own two feet, support themselves with meaningful work and live within their means. My parents taught all of us the same thing.

That said, there is a difference between being stuck in a marriage because of financial reasons and stuck because a woman has no job, no bank account, and nothing to fall back on. I am in a lousy marriage and one of the things that binds us together is our financial situation. I am the breadwinner. I have a career, a lot of experience in my field, a great education, I make 50-100% more than my husband in any given year, carry our benefits, manage our finances (including our retirement and college investing), live frugally and STILL there is no way that I could support 4 kids on my own or that we could manage any decent standard of living with two household to maintain. Sure he could pay me child support, but he sometimes couldn't afford to support himself, never mind himself and child support if we split. So that said, a woman can be financially savvy and fairly independent and still get stuck because life is expensive. One of us would need to make $150K a year for the other one to stay home...how likely is that?

I was a single mother for 5 years and other than staying with my parents and paying minimal rent in the beginning and having my mom help out with childcare, I survived on my own two feet. So I think that knowing that I had a good education, a good job (this was early in my career), lots of work experience and family support helped with knowing that I didn't need public assistance. I would have taken it if needed, but I didn't need it. I could take care of myself and my son. My step-daughter's mother, though, was a single mom at about the same time and same age as me and her experience was totally different. Without going into detail, she was not raised to be self-supporting and 13 years later is still not able to support herself (or her kids, of whom she doesn't have custody). So hopefully my SD sees the difference and chooses to make smarter decisions (than either of us LOL) and be able to support herself. Once kids enter the picture, though, it's hard to say "well if you only did X, Y & Z then you'll never depend on your husband for income" because that's just not true.

I do have to say that I am continually shocked that in this day and age there are women who find themselves with no bank account, no work experience, and no assets in their name. I understand not working if a woman takes time out of her career to be at home with her children, but to not have a bank account? And not have her name on the cars and the home and other assets just seems crazy (and stupid) to me.

When I was 17, my volleyball coach said, "Live on your own for one year before living with someone else." She made it as a statement to one of my teammates who dated some older guy, but I listened. I listened because I respected her.

Take from it what you will. I wanted to leave home and get knocked up and live off a guy when I was in my teens. I'm not ashamed that I felt that way. I was young and immature. But having *someone* step in with a small statement of hope for my future was enough to set me on the right path.

I'm raising my daughters with life skills that they'll need as adults, teaching them to be independent and to live with kindness, generosity, spirituality, positive self-esteem, intelligence, respect for others and themselves, charity for others, and healthy skepticism. I hope that they choose a partner with the same qualities that they possess.

I want them to be able to live their lives knowing that they don't need a partner in order to survive financially. I'm teaching them to emotionally satisfy themselves so that they don't rely on someone else for emotional gratification, so that they don't place their entire worth on whether someone loves them or not. Which is not to say that I'm teaching them that they won't need a partner to share their lives and a family with.

However, I do have some serious concerns for my middle daughter about her abilities to live on her own after her schooling is done. She may not have the emotional or physical/mental capabilities to care for herself completely due to her special needs. I believe she'll be able to do much (hopefully most) of it on her own, but her Autism, anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, and other issues surrounding the Autism may make it so that she needs to live with me. She may not have the inclination to have an intimate relationship with anyone, let alone have a pregnancy (imagine the sensory problems!).

You have a good point. I see many posts here saying they wont leave their husband cuz they don't think they can "do it alone". I left my alcoholic husband. I had two Young children, no job or recent job experience, NO money or insurance. It was SCARY. but I did it. TONS of women do. I married a man who had a good job, a great future. I knew he could support my children and I could concentrate on raising them. things change. (sadly some mamas are widowed at a young age, some are left) Thank God I had a college degree. In this day and age Everyone needs to be prepared to support themselves and their family.
What is day trading?

i am following my mother's example. I talk to my kids alot and teach by example or make it fun. My girls love to help me or my mom cook. I am honest about things to a point. IE no mama doesnt have money for little toys all the time, i am saving money for bigger stuff like trips to grandma house.

We started our oldest with an allowance when she started VPK. So she stop wishing/wanting everything she saw. We also talk about how mommy isnt working while her sister and her are young cause it costs too much money for daycare, so Daddy makes the money.

I have not taken the time to read all the answers, so I am not sure if I am repeating someone else's comments. However, while I feel it is very important to teach your daughters how to be independent and fend for themselves, I hope that you also teach them that it is okay to ask for help when they need it. I was never taught this very important lesson and it proved to be very detrimental to me when I actually did need help. It is only human to need help every once in a while. It does not mean you are weak. It means you are smart enough to know that it sometimes takes more than just you to make it in this world.

Also, while my mother was a SAHM and thus she did rely on my Dad for income, as we all did, I was taught that I should have a career and fend for myself. I struggled with this for a long time. Why? Because it turns out my strength is also being a SAHM! Therefore, our family relies on my husband for the income. I have none of my own (well, next to none. I do SOME independent contract work, but nothing that would come even close to supporting myself or my three daughters!) This is a choice, and you need to make sure you have a partner you can trust and that trusts you. My husband and I have had our problems, but overall we are very happy and would never have it any other way.

So, while being independent is a great thing to learn, I think teaching our children that reaching out to others for support and love is also a VERY important lesson as well!

I was a little confused when you threw in day trading. Is this how you are earning an income? Exposing your children to that idea isn't a good idea. It says that through a little work, you might be able to make a fast buck. Perhaps you didn't mean to refer to day trading, so I'll just ignore that and address the other part.

I think all children--boys and girls--should understand money. Credit cards, debit cards, saving, etc. are all good concepts to understand. Dave Ramsey is a really good person on this. He has some books for kids.

Children should also understand that a college degree is important. They will have the best chance at a good life.

I think if you teach them those too things and set a good example for them, they will learn what you need to do. My parents never had to tell me "don't depend on a man" but I learned that through their emphasis on understanding money and getting a good education.