My 6 year old daughter has a friend (a boy) that she met in 3 year old preschool. They were great friends all through preschool and got along great. Now they are in K together at a small school where they will always be in the same class. We carpool every day and the mom and I watch each others kids one or two times per week, so the kids spend a lot of time together. Lately this little boy has been acting very competitive with my daughter and says things that hurt her feelings (she is very sensitive). It has gotten to the point that every time they are in my car or at my house, he argues or competes with everything she says. She said, "It's on my desk upstairs", he replies "My desk is better than yours". She tells him we are going to CO on vacation, he says "You won't have any fun there"... on and on and on. At night she tells me that these comments really bother her, and she doesn't know what to do. Yesterday in the car I said something to them like, "Let's not turn everything into an argument", but it didn't work. (He later told her in his car that he is getting ice cream today and she isn't, even though all the kids are getting ice cream at school today). I know this is immature childish stuff, but I need to teach my daughter what to say to either put an end to it, or to stick up for herself without me intervening. I want it to be a learning opportunity for her, since she will run into all kinds of social issues throughout the years! I have talked to his mom about other issues before, and today I plan to ask her if she notices this competitive behavior when the kids are with her. What do I tell my daughter to say?
When he does this, teach her to look at him in the eyes and just stare. No expression. Once he is silent, she can continue her conversation, as though he interrupted her.
This is fairly normal.
"It is extremely irritating and rude."
She is allowed to tell him this also..
Teach your daughter to be an independent thinker and to stick up for her opinions, beliefs and ideas. :)
Tell her that just because O. person says something, it's not necessarily the truth or the best opinion, idea, etc.
My son had a friend a lot like your daughter's. I told him to call him on it - in other words, when he was bragging tell him bragging isn't nice. When he says something that is just rude like the CO trip, tell him to keep his comments to himself. It worked for my son and this started at about the same age as your daughter. It took his friend a while to catch on that my son wasn't going to put up with his attitude and comments, but they are much better friends now b/c of it.
Some of this is normal childhood behavior. But it may also be that the little boy thinks your daughter has a better life/things and is trying to aggrandize what HE has. Which is pretty normal behavior. He also is probably enjoying getting under her skin.
I would have your daughter say (to each comment) in a non-chalant voice, "That's great." and then move on with whatever she was talking about or going to say next. Tell her he is trying to draw her into a debate about it (whatever "it" is that particular time) and not to fall for it. Just say "Oh, good for you." (without any sarcasm) and move on.
After a while, he will not get anything out of this little competition and he'll stop.
it depends on her personality. challenging him on it would probably be fun and helpful in putting it to rest for a warrior type, but if she's a peaceable sort, that probably won't be comfortable for her.
ignoring it or changing the subject is probably the least stressful coping mechanism, although it will probably not be particularly effective in the short term.
one thing that might work well would be for her to go totally silent every time he does it and refuse to interact with him until he knocks it off. this too requires a fairly high degree of personal strength that may not be available for a child her age. but it's less confrontational than challenging and engaging with him, yet more direct than changing the subject.
you're right, it IS a good learning opportunity for her, and good for you for looking at it this way! maybe role-play a couple of different coping techniques with her and let her pick which one suits her best.
khairete
S.
You could go one of several routes.
1. Ignore the comments entirely. Change the subject and act like he never said anything. If he says "my desk is better than your desk!" you reply (and teach your daughter to reply) "Isn't it a nice day out?" Keep doing it, he'll stop when he's being ignored.
2. Call him out on it. Next time he says "my desk is better than your desk!" you could calmly and quietly say "what would make you say such a hurtful remark?" That might not work on him.
3. Turn his remark into a positive remark. The boy probably has low self-esteem so putting him down back will make it worse. If he says "my desk is better than your desk!" you could reply "that's wonderful that you love your desk! You both have desks that you like!" While that SEEMS like you're encouraging the remark, it often has the opposite effect. I had a friend who married a guy who was a grown man and used to act like that. I used to give him snippy remarks back when I realized that he just had really low self esteem. Once I started giving him positive attention he actually stopped being a jerk!
Good luck!
Actually, this is pretty normal for that age. My son and his best friend went through something similar in K. It has to do with them always being together. Live next door. Ride the bus together. Same class. They were together 7h a day, and then afterschool too! ...Stuff like .. 'I got an A and you only got a B'. I can read at a 2nd grade level and you can't. He even went so far as to say in front of me that his dad was smarter then my husband because he just got a job making x dollars and hour and 'your dad doesn't make that much.' He was so proud. I bit my tongue hard to not burst his bubble and tell him that I make more than that.... :-)
Anyway, what helped in our situation was limiting the amount of after school time that they are together. I also requested, and the teacher agreed that they be in different classes for 1st grade.
The friend and his family are just the kind of people that feel they always have to be right and have the last word. His mom does it to me and my mom also. Its just the way they are.
We still have problems with the competition, but I finally got my son to understand that there are somethings that my son is better at, and some that the friend is better at. Like just last week, my son not only finished a test on time (yeah!!! The teacher and I were shocked!!! ), but was the only one to get all of the answers correct. Even over his friend.
My brother did this my whole life. All I could do if just ignore it. Unfortunately some boys never grow out of this competitive stage (my brother never did) But I started to realized that he did this because he was never satified with the moment. He always "up"ed himself to feel better about what he had or was. Sad.
Awww, he "LIKES" her! THat's what boys do. When they 'like' us they pull our hair and/or insult us!
I would think she would have the self confidence to not NEED to stick up for herself. She understands her own value as a person, right? How can that be threatened by this six year old idiot boy?
I suppose she can come up with some equally insulting remark, but what's the point? You need her to be better than HIM? Who's being competitive?
Ignore him, pretend he's not there, you know you're better than that.
:)
Depending on what the boy says, your DD could either just say "Well, that's nice" or "Good for you." in a casual, non-rude kind of way. Or for something like the comment about the vacation, "Whatever." Or you can just intervene with "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.", or teach your DD to say that. The thing for DD to realize is that he's probably just doing it just to get a rise out of her and the more she ignores him or acts like she doesn't care, hopefully the sooner he'll stop doing it. It would probably be good too for her to start spending more time with other friends who don't act this way, or to get involved in an activity like Girl Scouts that gets her around other kids and away from him.
