Dealing with Braggarts

I agree that it is often a matter of perception. Perhaps the person is just trying to relate to you, and not necessarily bragging. For example, you tell me you like baseball and I tell you that my dad used to play in the minors. I am not necessarily wanting to brag about my dad, but because you like baseball, I bring it up because this is how I know to relate to you on that subject.

For most, I'd ignore. But I SWEAR, if a child actually KNEW that my child had done poorly on a test and said what this child said? I'd look at her and say "That wasn't very nice. Do you know why it wasn't nice?" And I'd stare her in the face until she asked why. And then I would TELL her. If you don't, you are letting her grow up to be a woman who does this kind of stuff.

If an adult did this exact same thing, I'd look at her and say "Gee, thanks for that. That makes me feel so much better." Then she'd KNOW she crossed the line. That scenario you describe has no business happening, and the person saying it needs to be brought down a peg or two.

After an adult/kid finishes his/her constant bragging, I just give room for pause, and then I say "So anyway...." and I change the subject. I don't even acknowledge it.

Usually people like that are embellishing. Or insecure. Usually both.
The repeat braggers, ad nauseam? Silent occasional nod usually nips it.

I have always felt like this is an issue of perception. When you are insecure about something you see other comments as a dig. So I haven't really seen anyone as a braggart because I just don't see it. Hard to respond to what you don't see, ya know?

You have control over this.

It's only hard to listen to if you feel insecure about aspects of your own life. If you're happy and content with who you are, you'd be happy for others who have success in whatever.

So dd's friend is going to advanced orchestra - good for her, that's wonderful, congratulations! YOUR daughter is learning to work hard and overcome a weakness…THAT will serve her MUCH better in life than gliding through with ease and then slamming into a wall in college when things get really challenging.

On the flip side, people who are truly, continuously bragging about everything are most likely insecure about themselves and feel the need to prove themselves superior. They are to be pitied, not envied.

Don't let others' actions and words affect you or annoy you. It's up to you how you react to them. If you choose to be happy for them, you'll be happier, too. I promise.

Teach your daughter that we all have our own talents.

My 8yr old daughter told my 6yr old daughter that she was jealous that she was better at gymnastics than her. My 6yr old said, "we all have our talents, I'm good at gymnastics but your a great artist and a good singer".

Several years ago my daughter was competing in the North American Tae Kwon Do Tournament and was competeing against a girl who kept saying "I'm the best in our school ya da yada ya da....... My daughter just let her brag on and on and when their turn came my daughter using the same 3 kicks to the head, knocking the other girl on her butt with each kick, won the match 6 -0.

Talk is cheap.......action speaks louder than words.

I congratulate them on their success. It is not their fault if I am not doing as well in a subject, and should not have to not be happy about their own success just because I am struggling. Like in the violin example I would say "that is really great, maybe you could help me practice sometime and give me some pointers". I don't know why so many feel so threatened by the successes of others.

You congratulate them on their acheivement.

Why is this getting under your skin exactly? You don't want them thinking they're better than you? Want to control their thoughts?

I get it - I wish I could make everyone like me. I can't. I've gotten over it.

I highly recommend it.

I don't agree it's a matter of perception. The word brag exists for a reason. Maybe people who think it's ok annoy people like you and I and most of my good friends. I just try to avoid people who consistently brag. I do think they are insecure so I'll overlook it in a child more than an adult. An adult should have learned. Can you imagine if everyone constantly praised themselves and their children? And did it right after another child didn't do well?? Let's see. I actually make quite a bit of money at my job. Partly luck. Partly skill and education. We live simply so very few people know this. Do people really think it'd be ok for me to walk around telling people?? I can't imagine doing that. It's tactless and rude. I don't need to tell people. I am secure. Other people should be secure too. If their child is super smart or musical, it'll come out. It will be known. No need to tell people. So I try to stay away from braggarts. Or if I can't I just a quick smile and say great! Or another way is to go over the top. "Wow! You are incredible!!! I'm sure you are the absolute best!" Something like that. I'd wonder if my daughter would stay friends with this girl for much longer. We have a girl like that nearby and my daughter's tired of her.

Hi, Sally:

In today's world, there is so much pompous attitudes because of our seemingly wealth in our country.

This kind of attitude is superfical.
Teach your child not to compare herself with
others.
Let your daughter know that she has a right to make
mistakes in her learning, no matter what the challenge.

Teach your child how to separate herself from the other.
For example: If the girls says I play better than you, teach your child to shift her thinking from herself to the other person.

If the girl says "I'm probably going to advance orchestra because this is too easy."

Teach your child to focus on the statement and then respond:

"How far do you want to go in the orchestra?"

Teach your child to listen to what is said and then respond to the statement. You will be teaching her how to be objective and not take
things personally.
Thanks for asking.
Good luck
D.

I know an adult like this - and what bothers me about it is that he just wants me to be impressed. I always praise his child and say nice things. But, when I respond with something awesome about my son, it is clear he really isn't interested. If it is the same with the people you are talking about, the best way to handle it is to counter everything they say with something great about your child. They'll get bored talking to you soon enough.

I had a woman on my Facebook who was awful with that. Drove me bananas. In fact, I resisted getting on Facebook for years because I knew that's what people do. She is the worst - her daughter is the best at everything and is never at fault when there is a problem. In fact, the mom is so proud of her daughter's antibullying stance and that kid is the biggest bully my daughter has ever known.

So after a particularly awful week of her bragging, I couldn't take it any more, so I started bragging like crazy. About 3-5 posts per day talking about how great my daughter is. I never mimicked or mocked the other mom or child, I simply countered with my own brags. I wondered how she would react. She never commented or liked anything - within a week, she unfriended me! She couldn't take the bragging!

Make sure you're not being hypocritical, which it doesn't sound like you are, and then try that. For every brag she gives, brag back, and make sure your daughter hears you be proud - she could probably use the boost. I usually advocate taking the high road, but this was too fun with great results. And by the way, last week that child, after 6 years of being in class with my child, changed schools. Hallelujah! Is it a coincidence my daughter is coming home all smiles and her quiz scores have been all As since she left?

Eta - this is more than being threatened by someone else's success - this is meant to degrade. Literally everything my child accomplished, the other child did two years before and better - sang on stage? Oh, I remember when my daughter did that... Broke a board in karate? Oh, she did that when she was five! Always said as if relating, but always done to bring the attention back to her own child. And the kid used to say rude things to my daughter, too. I'm very comfortable with our achievements, but the bragging shows that the other mom is not. If you're comfortable, you don't need to brag.

People are naturally proud of their (and their kids) achievements, and I don't see a problem with bragging. Teach your daughter to be proud of her achievements and do some bragging of her own. When a mom brags to me that her son is earning his black belt in Tae Kwon Do I brag that my son was accepted into divisional choir. When your daughters friend brags about advanced orchestra, your daughter can tell her whatever it is she is excelling at.

Just smile, say oh how nice! and then change the subject.

I'm at a point in my life I'm not threatened by anyone's success. I'm too lazy to be competitive as I age and figure I've done just fine in life so far. Knock wood. I just find it obnoxious when people brag or give unsolicited information about how amazing they are at something or how smart they are. Let's say I meet someone who is an excellent oboe player. I've never ever been interested in being a superior or even mediocre oboe player. So there's zero chance I'm jealous or threatened. So I meet this person and they say "I'm a fantastic oboe player". What do I think? I think what a jerk. If it came out in conversation bc I asked questions, that's different. In the violin example, I don't see how this girl isn't insensitive. Blowing your own horn when someone is sad at their failure at that same thing isn't insensitive? Amazes me some people don't think so but I guess that's what makes the world go round. In terms of what to do? When a child is bragging (even if not my child) I will say that in our family we don't brag. If it's an adult, depends on the situation. I try to change the subject and/or get away from that person.

How I handle it depends on how I'm feeling. When I'm just not in the mood, I ignore it, treat it like I just heard "I'm gonna drink a glass of water" and keep it moving.

Sometimes, though, it occurs to me that some people don't get enough special attention (according to their needs and for whatever reasons) to feel whole. Or they need a jolt right in that moment. We all want to feel special, right? We all want someone to take notice of something that we think that we do well. The longer it takes for someone to notice, the more it gets mentioned. So sometimes I give that person my full attention: "Oh, really? You must really enjoy that. I'll bet you are very good. How cool for you that everything lines up to work in your favor. Have you always known that you want this?" Usually, when I give them a good minute or so of my undivided and sincere acknowledgment, they get their fix and back down. Then, they can focus on something else. As long as we're focused on having our own needs met, we are in no position to help meet the needs of others. That's a life principle.

I don't necessarily prefer to deal with this personality--because I have my own issues, and I want the world to be about me--but they have just as much right to be here as I do, and--if you really think about it--they are kinda asking for what they want: attention and acknowledgment. How many of us wish that other people could read our minds and just sing our praises once in a while? We're conditioned not to ask for what we need, so we can't stand the people who do.

I think that people who really can't stand it either want all the accolades for themselves or wish that they had the courage to ask for it.

Regarding children, I think that they just have to learn to balance their horn-tooting with humility. I think that completely discouraging it teaches them that everybody else's comfort and happiness outweighs their own. We women tend to know what it's like to have that thrust upon us.

I just smile and say great. You can't change their behavior and saying something would make it seem like you were jealous.

Your daughter's friend who commented that she was probably going to advance? Not bragging at all. Some people pick up on things faster or maybe she just practices a lot so it's easy for her. Time to teach your daughter that wanting to do something sometimes takes time and you don't always succeed.

I usually just respond with a "wow, that's cool" or "great job" something thats not too over the top and change the subject. But changing the subject is only for my benefit so I don't have to hear it anymore. I honestly think that people who brag to extremes like it sounds like your friend does, don't really know how rude it is. THey are living in their own little bubble and in their mind they really think what they are saying is important. I have a few "friends" on Facebook who do the same thing. Their kids are bored in all their classes in a magnet school for gifted kids and they wish the teachers would challenge their kids more. Thought it was funny but one time (it wasn't me btw) one of her friends called her out and said she should be lucky to have such problems that her kids were bored cause they were so naturally smart and that her kids didn't struggle with a learning disability like her kid did. I tend to ignore it. I'm not willing to outright say "shut up" and I don't really think it would do any good cause like I said I don't feel like they think they are doing anything wrong. They are just so superior to others and obviously the world just wants to know it. In your case the apple didn't fall far from the tree in your dd's friend. I just don't say anything to the obvious Facebook brags of those who do it all the time. I just share it with my husband who also has a good laugh at how desperate they are for the attention. When an unusual brag pops up I "like" it. I don't define myself cause I don't make heart shape valentines day pancakes and bake a from scratch dinner every night after work. I feel sorry for them as they must have really low self worth to need all these compliments they are fishing for. I tell my son who is 12, my dd is only 2, to not let it bother him. Be nice and acknowledge their brag but you don't have to one up them and then change the subject or say you have somewhere else to be. So what they are better than you. To keep him grounded I've always told him that as good as he may be at something there will always be someone better at it. Do your best so that you can be happy with how hard you tried. The braggarts haven't figured that out yet. If they do, they'll be happier, if not...it's their life not mine.

I don't really see it as bragging either. And I would respond to it the same way I respond to my own child when he compares himself to others. The response can be either "That's great that you are good at X. Everyone is good at different things." or "No, you aren't as good as Child A at X. But you know what? You are great at Z. Everyone is good at different things."

It's called verbal diarrhea. Some people don't realize that they are just running off at the mouth and like to hear themselves talk about themselves. I usually comment short, " that's great or congratulations!" And change the subject if I can. You will need to teach your daughter how to deal with these comments and to not take them personally. People who brag all the time are really insecure.

With a polite smile, say "good for you." Then walk away.

I can't really comment on outsiders, but my 9 yr old son and I recently had a heart to heart in the car about something similar. We have a large blended family. My husband has 3 kids, I have 2, and we have 1 together. My 9 year old is one of the middle children. He also has ADHD, takes meds and sees a counselor. He is sweet as can be, but his ADHD sets him back. He struggles with everything, nothing comes easily. He struggles with school work and homework and is currently testing to get into an IEP. Whereas his brother, who is 7, school work is a breeze and is preparing to test for the gifted program. His older stepbrother has been in the gifted program for years. All 4 of the kids who are in elementary school are in running club at school. My son struggles with running and never places well enough to earn a ribbon at the races. His younger brother has received a ribbon at every race since kindergarten. His older step sister usually gets a ribbon too. He's not a natural athlete, some of the others are. You get the picture. He basically struggles with everything he tries to do and watches his siblings breeze through the stuff that he struggles with. One night after counseling he was telling me how badly he wants a ribbon at the next race. We talked about how for some people things come easily, while for others, they have to really work to excel. I just encouraged him to not give up and as long as you always try your best, it doesn't matter how you fair with the rest. Just strive to improve each time. I also made sure to tell him that I will always support him and love him no matter how he fairs against others. I feel so bad for him, but the last thing he needs is to give up and feel like a failure because everything is harder for him. I hope he'll appreciate his accomplishments more knowing he worked so hard to get there.