Tantrums, Bad Behavior

That is not typical behavior for an almost-7 year old. He absolutely needs a consult and evaluation with a pediatric psychologist/psychiatrist. I know it is heartbreaking, but this will put you on the path to Answers and then Solutions.

Yep. This is EXACTLY what family counseling is great for... Because the counselor can work with you & your son... And really see the ins and outs of what is going on, as well as recommend evals, etc. as needed.

Here's what to look for in a family counselor.

- Advanced Degrees.

Either a Psychologist (masters + hundreds of intern hours) or MSWlic (ditto) would be my top 2 choices as far as educational background. Ideally with emphasis in child psych, family dynamics, and *developmental psych* (lots of MSWs have developmental psych bachelors degrees, or physiological psych bachelors. Look for that strong psych background. Really. Its invaluable.)

- You "click" with the counselor. Therapist shopping is the hands down BEST way to find a great counselor... Because even with the exact same education ... People are different. Someone who you trust, your kids trust, etc... Will make a world of difference over someone who seems smart/dedicated/etc. but that you have reservations over, don't get on with, have to constantly re-explain, etc. Look for the Ahhhh! :D feeling as you're talking with them in the initial appointment.

- Theyre helpful. I know this sounds dumb... But you'd be amazed how many people stay with a counselor who ISN'T helpful (or ditch counseling all together)... Because its the first person they've worked with and they're desperate.

You need professional help. Talk to your pediatrician and ask for a play therapist to come to your home and observe him. She will help the doctor and you by making concrete suggestions about what to do and where to go for help.

You MUST get professional help, M..

Sending you strength,
Dawn

You need to have your son evaluated. Contact his ped and ask for a referral.

Seriously, you need to discuss this with your pediatrician and see if something like Oppulant Defiance Disorder, BiPolar or even ADHD is a possibility. NO matter what your feelings are about overdiagnosed medications etc ... it should be looked into. Lack of impulse control and tantrums go hand in hand ... just a suggestion.

Please get him professional help as soon as possible -- don't wait, because if he is nearly seven he's in school, and his behaviors will play out there as well and you'll end up mired in constant behavioral problems there as well as at home. You and your husband also need counseling so you can learn consistent techniques for working with him; trying different things all the time confuses a child and you need help settling on one path for discipline and dealing with what sounds like behavior that is outside the norm.This sounds like it might be beyond "let's find the right discipline" and going into the realm of "we have to find out what's causing this daily behavior."

It is revealing that you say "he thinks it is the funniest thing when he hurts someone's feelings." Does he also find it funny or interesting if he physically hurts a person or animal, or if he destroys a toy or other object? Ask a counselor ASAP about whether he lacks empathy -- a lack of empathy in a child is a red flag for bigger issues that need treatment. Not saying here that that is going to be the case, but have a professional look into that aspect.

If you do not know where to turn to find the right kind of professional, start with the pediatrician today, and emphasize that you want this referral urgently. You cannot go on with daily meltdowns at this age, or with his finding it amusing to hurt others. Ensure the psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor is one that deals only with kids this age. I would also alert his teachers, principal and school counselor of what is going on -- it helps them a LOT to know if a child is getting help and what the professionals recommend. You need a team approach with them. Please update us here in the future.

well if you have tried "everything", there's not much we can help you with. i think counseling or talking to his pediatrician is, in fact, your best bet. he is 6 1/2. if you haven't gotten it under control by now, you need real hands-on help, not advice.

I would start with his pediatrician on where to get help. It sounds like his emotions swing at extremes. Is he like this in school or just at home? If it's just home, then you need to look at your household. If it's also at school, then you may also want to speak to the guidance office and his teachers to get an idea what is going on there. But I would not consider constant screaming or crying to be normal. I would seek professional help.

Ditto Kristina, but I would also ask what methods you have used to try to teach your son proper behavior... ? You said in your post that you have tried "so many different things" and that "NOTHING works" but you didn't mention any specifics whatsoever.
To one person, "trying everything" could mean you told him to stop, that you lectured him on why he should stop, that you begged him to stop, or whatever... but without any real consequence to him. I am not assuming that is necessarily the case, but you didn't say what exactly you have tried, so it is impossible to guess what you haven't tried. See?

I'd suggest you try 1-2-3 Magic. And ask your pediatrician as well.

I adore the "Love & Logic" parenting books. I use their methods on all ages, including my ADHD, aggressive, very immature 14-year-old nephew and it works quite well. Here's a list of their free resources on their website http://www.loveandlogic.com/articles.html#special but if he's this age and showing signs of no empathy (thinking it's funny to hurt people) and throwing tantrums at this age, then I would definitely seek professional help as well. Good luck!

Yes, it really sounds like you guys need professional help with him.

If you have honeslty tried everything, then you absolutely need help from someone who is trained to deal with kids who have things they need to talk/work out.

I don't have words of wisdom. But I wanted to say that I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your son. I would call the pediatrician and have him evaluated as soon as possible. Have you tried cutting out sugars, dyes and artificial sweeteners?? I know that I see a difference in behavior and being able to focus, listen and enjoy the day when my kids don't have the junk that comes in most snacks etc. Try it for a week and see what happens. Best wishes-let us know what happens.

What HAVE you tried?

Please share with us what techniques haven't worked so we can give better advice. Right now you're getting a lot of smartassed "oh, yeah...you've tried EVERYTHING, so we don't have any advice for you." I'm willing to bet that what you've tried hasn't been used correctly or consistently...because if it were, SOMETHING would have worked.

My advice is that you immediately send him to his room (which should be stripped of all things fun) when he does any of those behaviors. First you need to prepare him so he knows what the consequences will be to his behavior. Let him know, in a calm moment, when you AREN'T angry or trying to discipline, that mean, angry, cruel, screaming behavior is not tolerated and that every time he does it, he'll be removed from the situation.

Then, when he does it, simply tell him "Go to your room right now." No warnings, no second chances, no negotiations. Shut the door and leave it shut. If he opens it so you can hear him screaming at you, shut it. Say nothing to him at all.

Leave him there for no less than 20 minutes, but never tell him how long he has left "on the clock," and don't allow him to continually come out demanding to know how much time he has left or insisting that he's sorry. YOU are in charge of how long he is in there, not him. Let him know he'll be in there longer if he's still coming out or tantruming.

The more he screams, the longer he stays in. He needs that time....long enough to think, long enough to get completely calm, and long enough to get over his anger and resentment and actually feel bad about what he's done.

When you ask him to come out, he should come to you when you call. Don't go to him. Ask him "why were you sent to your room?" And expect him to give you a real answer. If he says "I dunno." or "Because you're mean," or some other smartassed response, send him back. Let him know that you'll be asking him again, and he'd better have a respectful answer.

The goal here is for HIM to take responsibility for his own behavior. So his response should sound like "Because I was picking on Little Brother." And should NOT sound like blaming others or trying to avoid taking responsibility. If he says "Little Brother started it," try to steer the conversation to his own behaviors. "If you were upset because Little Brother took your toy, what could you have done instead of hitting him or yelling at him?"

Help him take responsibility and put tools in his toolbox so he knows what to do RIGHT.

When you send him to his room, don't let his screams of cries of indignation bother you (it sounds like he knows it bothers you). Simply stay calm (no yelling, and don't sigh with frustration or appear tense in front of him). Your attitude should be one of utter calm, collected, controlled....peace. His ability to be calm, collected, controlled and peaceful is learned from you. So model it. No yelling, no threatening, no mean comments.

Eventually he's going to see that it's HIS OWN behavior that is driving this train. His temper and rudeness puts him in his room with nothing to do. Kind behavior gets nice comments (NOT PRAISE, but recognition...which is different). Bad behavior gets you removed (be sure that he knows WHY it is bad behavior...explain it in an age appropriate way).

Finally, kids his age like rules. It sounds counterintuitive, but it's the truth. Listen to kids play...they make rules as they go, or automatically refer to rules. They like knowing what's expected of others, but often forget that rules apply to them too...

It's important, at the dinner table, in the care, on walks, whatever...that you talk to your child about social rules. How they apply to them too. Why it's important to consider others. How it makes others feel to say or do certain things. How it makes them feel. How we are kinder to others when we think of them, and others are kinder to us. How we especially don't hurt others...most of all, girls/ladies, disabled, elderly, and children who are smaller. He must know that these people should be protected, not abused (like he is abusing his younger brother).

You can do things with your son to help him to start considering other people. Chores that include having to clean up after someone else (to get over the "I didn't make that mess, so I shouldnt have to clean it" attitude). Getting drink orders for EVERYONE at the dinner table (not just himself).

I hope some of this helps. Best of luck!

♥
C. Lee

How do you respond when he starts screaming? Do you tell him to stop, try to appease him or just walk away and ignore him?

For the most part, kids do what gets them attention, what gets them a reaction. If they only reaction he gets from you (or anyone else) is silence and disinterest, the screaming will stop. Keep in mind, too, that negative attention is better than no attention (in the eyes of a child). Is he getting enough positive attention? Catch him being good. Notice the things he does right. Praise him when he's good to his brother. If he gets enough positive attention from you, he won't see out negative attention.

When he does these things to his brother, what his your reaction? Have you tried, "That behavior is not acceptable. Go to your room right now." This is what I do with our 6 year old. I usually make sure my youngest is occupied (he's 3 1/2), give the 6 year old 2 or 3 minutes, and then I knock on his door. By then he's usually calmed down. We talk for a minute or two about why what he did was not ok. He usually apologizes to me and then we walk out together and he apologizes to his little brother.

I don't want to sound like I think I'm just this fabulous M.. It's easy for me to sit hear and offer suggestions while my boys are sleeping. Ask me again in the morning and I might say, "What? I don't have time for things now. I'm too busy yelling at them to stop climbing the walls!!!"

But really, the best thing you can do is shut it down as soon as it starts. Don't give in to the behavior. Give him the very strong message that this behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And make sure he gets lots of positive attention. Keep working with him. You'll find what works for both of you.

You need to teach him empathy. I get e-mails from Love and Logic and they have been doing a LOT on empathy lately. Check out their website and I would suggest maybe buying their program or check out other books on how to teach empathy.

If you don't get this under control, you are going to have an out-of-control teen that no one is going to want to be around!

Empathy is the name of the game!