How to Help a 4 Yr Old

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She is continuing this because she is getting attention for this. Logically, if everyone left her alone when she's doing this, just walked away, she'd stop. If no one is looking at her or talking to her or trying to calm her down or yelling at her to stop acting like this then she would be getting zero benefit from continuing it.

You're describing my sister.
She never out grew it.
I really think she had (still has, really) Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) (or some sort of behavioral disorder) way before they ever had a name for it.
I wish our Mom had taken her to get evaluated at some point.
The whole family really needed some professional advice on how to cope and interact with her and we never got it.
Growing up with her was pure hell.
This is affecting your whole family.
You already refer to her in negative terms - you are all frustrated.
She can't help it - but she (and you all) could really use some help.
Please see that she gets it.
Talk with your pediatrician about it and get a referral to a behavioral specialist.

ETA Based on your SWH, I think there may be something else going on. Have you discussed it with the pediatrician or the schools to see what early intervention services she is entitled to?

Original answer: The reason kids start with a tantrum is that they are frustrated about something. The reason they continue with them is that they get a payoff from others around them. So, for example, if she falls and starts wailing when not really hurt, if you fawn over her and soothe her constantly, she learns to get attention by wailing. Same thing if she wants a toy that someone else has - if you intervene and pay her off with a different (and better) toy, she'll continue to throw tantrums.

The thing to do is ignore the unacceptable behavior. A simple "I can't talk to you when you are screaming" or "I don't answer to yelling." Then walk away. Really. No matter how frustrated you get. And your DH has to get on board with this! He doesn't get to just leave with the other kid because she's a pain. That adds Daddy Rejection to her list of slights.

If she says she is never playing with him again, that's fine. But none of you need to listen to it. Send her off to her room with as little talking as possible, or go somewhere else with your son until she stops crying. She can go to her room to get control of herself, and (important) she needs to be welcomed back when she is calm. Meanwhile, you and Daddy and brother have fun playing a game. The game is for quiet people, for cooperative people.

I know you are probably yelling at her or trying to talk her out of her drama - but that's fueling it. You and your husband have to be completely emotionless about it, firm in your resolve. She needs to be taken out of places where she has a tantrum - stores, play dates, parks, Grandma's house. Those places are for well behaved kids who don't scream. She goes in the car, with no conversation, and you go home. NO MATTER WHAT. No going home to toys and TV or special time with you, but home to nothing. If my son had a tantrum in the car, I pulled over, got out, stood where he could see me (no abandonment fears) but where I couldn't hear him. If you all go off together and she starts with her nonsense, pull over in a safe place and you ALL get out for ice cream or to play a game on the phone, anything. She sits and screams to no one. The car doesn't start until the yelling stops. You'd be surprised how boring a car seat gets when there's nothing to do and no one to listen to. Even little kids understand that "tantrum + screaming = nothing" if it's consistent. Don't give up after the first or third or tenth time. It WILL work if you are the Rock of Gibraltar on this and cannot be moved.

And I think you have to look at the sleep issue. If she can't settle down in bed or in social relationships, you may need more help here.

While I wouldn't give in to any tantrum demands, or give them undue attention, I believe you should validate her feelings instead of dismissing them and telling her not to cry, or there's no reason to cry. She needs to learn to put names on these powerful emotions and that emotions are not "bad", they just "are". She needs to know that feelings and emotions are NORMAL (even if the resulting behavior is inappropriately out of range for the prompting event). If you tell her there is no reason to be angry, etc, or she shouldn't be having a certain negative feeling, it can be very damaging to her development. The things you may say to many children about crying like "toughen up" etc, are NOT appropriate for highly emotional, sensitive kids. I know, these kinds of things my parents and my husbands parents said to him. No big deal. We learned just fine. We said the same things to our highly emotional DD, and later learned, unknown to us, how damaging it was. Dealing with this behavior is incredibly frustrating and exhausting. You just want it to stop. Be careful to keep calm in the storm. It sounds like you are doing a really good job already. Her brain is wired to experience emotions a thousand times stronger than what is typical. She does not want to become this out of control when her emotions take over. She is miserable, and she needs help. She needs some age appropriate tools and healthy coping skills. I would definitely get a referral for a good child therapist. If she has early intervention, it may well save you later years of heartache when a she hits puberty and the teen years.

Ignore the tantrums. If you are at home put her in her room if she throws a fit. Out and about the car is about all you can do, but husband needs to take turns with you so you are not missing out on time with your sons. If she falls and is not hurt just point out she is not hurt and then ignore.

Make sure to point out when she does things well, like when she compromises with her brother or if she falls and just gets back up and keeps going.

You actually can do something for her sleep. Have you tried giving her Melatonin? Our doctor strongly recommended we give our child Melatonin before bed because he was having a lot of trouble settling down and was very obviously not getting enough sleep. It comes in 1, 3, 5 or 10 mg. Our doctor had us try just 1 mg 30 minutes before bed. I could not believe the difference!

Seriously, you should talk to your doctor. Some kids are naturally more emotional than others, but everything you've described screams "overtired."

Do not respond to her crying. Develop the tough guy attitude, I know it sounds mean but if she falls and is not hurt just having a fit, walk over and say 'you're not hurt' and go back to what you were doing. She is getting attention by crying when things don't go her way. If her brother chooses to do something she doesn't like tell her 'to bad so sad' and then explain to her she doesn't get her way all the time. She is becoming a little monster and feeding the monster only makes it worse.
Give her attention when she is doing good. Tell her 'thinks for playing nice today.. etc. When the crying starts --- walk away turn up the radio louder toss a load into the washer and completely ignore her. It's hard and it won't stop overnight it could take a week to a month but it will stop.

My friends daughter continued this type of behaviour well into grade school and it turned out to be anxiety. She now goes for counselling and it is helping. They still have a lo of trouble doing family outings and vacations. They usually have to split up so someone can stay home with her.

It sounds as though you are responding to her outbursts in just the right way.

So, the question is, what else can be causing her to cry so often and act so upset?

Has she had a complete physical exam? And by that, I mean, vitamin levels (D, B, etc), electrolyte levels, blood sugar, iron? Have you spoken to her pediatrician about her anger and tantrums?

And since you say she could use more sleep, what do you mean? What is her bedtime routine, and how much sleep does she get? Could you ask your pediatrician to refer her for a sleep study?

Try keeping a journal of her food, her sleep, and her outbursts. Something may pop out at you. She might need more protein. She might be staying up too late, or not observing good bedtime habits (no electronics, no heavy snacks before bed, etc).

And you might consider filming a typical tantrum on your phone and showing it to your doctor. She doesn't sound like she's just a drama princess. Sounds like there's more going on.

What is your response when she...trips on grass and falls/she screams at her brother/etc?

She must get something out of it, or she wouldn't keep doing it.

At first I was going to say is she getting rewarded somehow, but doesn't sound like it.

She is however getting a reaction (not so much from you, but your husband is now upset and it's affecting the family's plans, etc.). What about from her brother?

But if this is often and not related to sleep troubles (some kids don't sleep well, so are much less rested than we think) then I would just mention it to your pediatrician.

It can't be much fun to be 4 and to be that upset all the time.

At four when mine were out of sorts, I'd say "Use your words" and I'd sit there and patiently listen. If they carried on (yelling), I didn't. But getting them in the habit of telling you what's upsetting them will serve them well once they go to school. She needs to be communicating with you other than crying and yelling. Have the whole family do that. Brother too. He can say "I will listen to you if you talk".

You have to model that because ignoring and taking her to her room is great for full on tantrums, but she should be over that at 4 a bit .. old enough to use her words when upset. So you can say "Are you angry? Why are you angry?" And then put it back on her "What can we do about it?" or "What can you do about it?".

And then reward her for communicating with words.

Some kids do have more serious issues and if it's more the norm than not, and it's really not from lack of sleep (sleep is huge though with 4 year olds) then definitely bring it up next doctor's visit. Just to get their thoughts. They've seen it all remember so it doesn't hurt to ask :)

I would consider rewarding for the good behavior, and explaining that is not the way to get attention, you can't listen when she is screaming or crying. When she notices that "hey I got this for listening or doing a small age appropriate task" she will then realize how to get attention in a positive way. I have a small child of my own and when he acts up, I simply tell him go sit down in the room and when you are ready to talk about it, you can come back to me, as for now, I do not like this behavior. It absolutely has always worked! He will come back and tell me I want to talk about it, and I respect his privacy if others are around and he feels shy to open up, then allow him to pick an area to vent out to me, even if its the hallway stairs or bathroom, bedroom- it doesn't matter, I would say give this a try. But hubby and sibling need to be involved as well, everyone on the same page. It is not fair for you to have to deal with it alone. And I agree, mention it to her pediatrician.

BTW I have a friend who would throw a tantrum herself in front of her kid, so he would realize how silly it looked... that brought him to a halt in a short period of time.

Our daughter was getting that way when she was younger. When she'd scream or cry dramatically, I'd say variations of, "Oh my gosh, let's go to the hospital! That sounds bad. I hope you don't need shots." I wasn't poo-pooing her concerns, but rather meeting her drama with drama. Needless to say, she didn't want to go to the hospital or get shots, so this type of drama came to an end. At 10, though, we have all sorts of other drama to contend with, but that's for another day ...