Talking SEX with a Teen

Have you thought about not talking, but just listening? Maybe if she had the opportunity to talk about what she was seeing, without judgment or condemnation (and I'm not suggesting you are doing that, I promise), she'll open up. If it's hard for her to talk about sex with you, ask her why, and let her just tell you.

I'm not saying it's true, but many teenagers go through a phase where they believe they can't just accept what their parents say...probably so that they can learn to make their own judgment calls...but they still need guidance, and if they are open with you about their fears, concerns, and hopes, they are more likely to make calm, rational decisions.

Good luck!

Haven't read any responses yet, but wanted to give you my POV.
I was once a 15y/o with a steady boyfriend for over a year. My mom was just like you. Let me know everything I needed to know and was also smart enough to know that I would make my own decisions. She let me know to come to her and let her know if I needed BC.
When the time came, (I was 15 and had done everything but with my long time boyfriend) I spoke to a male friend of the family who was about 24. I felt more comfortable talking to him and let him know I was ready for BC. He immediately took me to my mom, told her, J. needs to talk to you about BC, and left us there together to stare at each other awkwardly, LOL
She was freaking out on the inside, but didn't show it. She stuck to what she had told me, and took me to get the BC.
Due to her openess, my experience was a good one, safe, in his home, not out in a car somewhere or at a party. I do not regret it in the least, and was with him for a long time...until I graduated.
I didn't get pregnant until I was married, and my husband was only the second person I had been with. I credit my mom for teaching me that SEX is something special and should be shared with someone special. He was special, and it was a good experience.
This is just one point of view, but I thought it might help you to hear from someone who has been there and done that. I am now 32, married to my second husband, with three little boys and in a very happy place in my life.

Edited to add: I did my fair share of eye rolling also, but I WAS listening.

Hi,

I teach 15 year olds, what a crazy time for them. We had an assembly with this guy from Puyallup just a few weeks ago. It was on abstinence and it was so well done and so harnessed the kid's thoughts I can't wait to share his book with my daughters. (OK, I CAN wait but I will be using his book for certain.) Look him up. His name is Brad Henning. He has a website, a book that is in limited supply and a very real response to the idea of teen sex. I honestly wish he was around when I was 15... I would have made diferent choices I think.

Best of luck to you,
A.

Keep talking! You will keep getting the rolling eyes and the "oh mom" responses, but just do not stop talking to her.
If you have not done so yet, it is also time to introduce her to a women's health care specialist (OB/GYN, Midwife or nurse practitioner). All women should start getting an annual exam once they start menstruating. Involve her in the decision of whom she wants to see (it may not be your doctor - so she can feel more "private")- this way she will also have someone outside of the family to talk to.

And lets face the facts: most of my friends lost their virginity between 15 and 17, and that was 15 years ago... be open to her requests for birth control - even if you don't think she should be having sex.
Buy some condoms, tell her where they are, and make sure she can access them discreetly. Even if you don't want her to have sex - if she does, you want her to be safe!

Hello ~

I am a middle school counselor and the mom of a teen girl, so I feel your pain. Yes, 15 is too young, but it was when we were 15 too. So far I have been lucky; my daughter just turned 18 and is not sexually active. However, we took a step that works for us.

I had her identify two close adult females in her life (two aunties) that she could "tell anything to". She knows she can go to them with pregnancy fears, birth control questions or whatever. I talked to them, and they agreed to be her sounding board and also to keep her secrets, as long as they are not dangerous. (eg if she is doing drugs, sneaking out a night and meeting adult men, they tell. If she is wanting to go on birth control, they don't). This way, if she doesn't feel she can tell me or her daddy, she has trusted adults who I also trust, to tell. I don't feel I need to know every detail, but I want some adult to help her - she doesn't need to rely on her friends for these adult talks. This has worked very well for us.

For all you know, what you want your daughter to "get" may have already sunk in. I remember knowing by the time I was 14 what my limits were, and they were solid, even though I squirmed for my mother's embarrassment every time she tried to bring up the subject.

But since you can't know for sure, it won't hurt you and may help her if you gently persist. Don't make a "big talk" out of it, but remind her whenever the moment seems right that you are there to answer questions and support her. And express your need and responsibility, as her mother, to let her know what you hope for her. Bear in mind that if what you say is different from what you do (i.e., if you are sleeping with your boyfriend), she may be less likely to take you as a credible source of guidance.

Sex is intensely personal (as in "secretive") to teens, expecially if they are engaged in it, or tempted to become engaged. Unless you have made this an easy subject to bring up from the time she was little, she's pretty unlikely to want to talk about it now.

Every teen is different, but I'll bet most of 'em would prefer to get their information from a "neutral" source (non-judgemental, unemotional, and anonymous), and for many kids, that would be a good book or two from the library. You could even purchase one or two good ones and gift them to her, perhaps acknowledging your confidence in her desire to be responsible for her own well-being. Google "books, teens and sex" to get some good suggestions.

It sounds like you are on the right track, in spite of your anxiety. I do have a suggestion about your approach. Instead of saying what sex SHOULD be, which could provoke skepticism in your daughter if her experience or longings are different (thus making it even harder for her to talk about it), I'd be inclined to describe an ideal of what COULD be. If your own experience was different from that ideal, you could perhaps talk about your regrets, and how you would choose to do it differently if you had a second chance.

Good luck, mama. I remember well the white knuckles and knotted stomach that would sometimes come with being the mother of a teen girl. But most kids turn out all right! Mine sure did!

Hi L.~

Tough one here! However I am proud you have talked with her at all! My mom never talked to me - I waited of my own accord. But statistics show that talking to them at all can make a big difference. Unfortunately you probably won't have any solid evidence that she is waiting or not waiting. Kids are sneaky. Also the fact that you and your b/f are living together sends some signals - is what you are telling her opposite of what you are doing (I am not saying it is bad - I live with mine and we've had to have this talk trying to figure out what we will say to our kiddos when the time has come)? If you tell her she needs to wait till marriage she will absolutely not respect you. However if you are telling her to wait till the time is right for her you are also telling her that if she feels now is the time then it is the time.
All in all and most important you want her to be open with you. Try approaching from a "let's be open" direction. That way if she is planning to try it out you can get her on a contraceptive. I know this sounds bad, but my mom never talked with us and my 12 year old sister decided she was ready - she was pregnant by 15 and had my mom been there for her that may not have happened. We love her baby but she was not ready to be a mom at all and that poor boy suffers b.c of it. Don't try to be her buddy - she has plenty of those - just be her open and loving mother who wants to be there. Ultimately she will decide whether you like it or not and if she says she is ready then get her on something quick. But I suspect your words are having more of an impact than you think. Best of luck!!

I should start off with saying that I have young boys, and am grateful that this falls mostly into my husband's department and that he is completely comfortable talking to them about it, because it is awkward for me.

I had the prim and proper mom that really waited to talk about it until I was dating my (now) husband and was already on birth control. And then, it was primarily a very awkward statement about how it was so much better if you waited until you were married. I could tell how uncomfortable she was, and didn't have the heart to tell her that the horse had already left the barn on this one, so to speak.

My advice is to openly acknowledge to her that it is an uncomfortable subject, but stress the dangers of not having a trusting communication link between the two of you and let her know that your top priority is making sure that she's safe, not judging or trying to control her. Also, if she is uncomfortable talking to you, make sure that she knows it's OK to talk to someone else (an aunt, family friend, best friend's mom, doctor, etc.). My husband and I had attempted many times to casually bring up the subject of sex, reproduction, etc. with our 10-year old, but he never seemed interested in talking about it and we didn't want to force the discussion. Then, when our long-time babysitter & family friend recently had a baby of her own, she all of a sudden started getting peppered with questions from him. My son obviously felt more comfortable talking to her about it, because she's younger, and probably figured that if she had a baby now, that she obviously knew all about it :) Then my husband sat our son down, explained to him that we knew he had some questions, and laid out the facts for him.

I would say that no matter what, don't stop talking. Teenagers roll their eyes at everything you say, right? That doesn't mean that you stop telling them to keep their grades up, be healthy, don't do drugs, etc. I think sex is just one more discussion that has to happen repeatedly if you want the message to sink in.

Good Luck!

I have talked about sex all along. I know a little late to suggest for a 15 year old.
But I started at what ever age the first question came, usually "where do babies come from?" My youngest was "I want to stay the baby, I don't want you to have any more babies" which led to a description of a tubal to put her little heart at ease, that the only way I would have another one would be an act of God.
I have a 15 year old boy. Yes you are right, kids are getting sexually active at younger ages. There were girls in his Jr high that where having sex. Or giving oral, or a hand job on the buss. In fact my son chose to not date a girl because she was to easy. I am blessed that my 19, 17, 15, ad 12 year olds are still virgins.
We have done the walk down the condom Isle to talk about what they are, and some of the differences.
We sit down and talk all the time.
I even have these talks with my 12 year old. She looks like she is 15. And the boys have noticed......
I find that being honest and open is the best policy. Do not react when they tell you something, because they will not tell you anything else if you react badly.
Look for opportunities to talk with them. And it is not just about sex. You talk to them about anything in a non judgmental attitude. This opens the door for the sex talk.
I also listen when the kids talk. I am the "drama mama" at the local high school. I find that I learn a lot about my kids by listening to the other kids. You also learn about what is going on in the teen community.
I get questions all the time. I had one girl ask me about breastfeeding. She wanted to know if she chose to breastfeed her baby when she had one, would it cause her boobs to droop.
I told her that it is just time that makes them droop... She asked why someone would chose to breastfeed, and then I gave her a few pros and a few cons on breastfeeding a baby. I then told her that I loved nursing my children.
You don't go beyond the question. So if she would not have asked the second question I would have dropped it. You don't need to go into deep detail with questions. You loose them if you tell them more than what they where ready to hear.
I have not had kids ask me specific sexual stuff, but if I did I would ask why they did not ask their parents.
I have had girls tell me they think they are pregnant, I have had children come out to me that they are gay or bi. I have had kids come to me who where being beat by their parents. I have talked with many girls who just lost the "love of their life".
I find that if you are there, if you are willing to listen, and if you treat them like "real people" then teens will come to trust you.
When other teens trust you, then your teens come to realize that you are the "cool" mom and they start to trust you.
One step at a time.
I hope that this helps. Let me know if you would like to talk.......

I am blessed, even my teen boys hug me in public.
B.

My mother never had the "talk" with me . . . I waited because I was pretrified of being a single mom!

I think that providing resources is one good option. There are manythings I looked up in books that I would never have had the guts to sit down and talk to my mother about. One of my aunts gave me a book called Girl Talk that had really great info an a very teen friendly presentation.

I would sit down and tell her point blank that you know you can't control her decisions in this aspect of her life, nor can you force her to tell you about what her decisions are. However, if she wants birth control, you want her to know that you won't judge her and will be more than glad to help her. (if you do go with BC, choose the shot - kids are HORRIBLE about using other means of BC correctly and consistantly)

Unfortunantly, in this world today, many 15 year olds are making adult decisions for which they are unable to bear the reprocussions. I would just make sure to acknowledge the fact that it is akward to talk to your mom about, but a little embarrasement is better than a baby you are not able to take care of.

I think at this stage listening is most important. You might be able to find out where she really is right now by providing opportunities to just hear what she has to say. Ask questions about how she feels about the issues of sex. Don't judge or push her.
If you have instilled your values throughout the years and she knows how you feel already then you might need to step back a bit. If you are choosing to instill values in her now at age 15, then you may be too late. In either case lecturing and commanding will have less results than listening to her and discussing and asking questions together.
Her peer group is important to her and if they are sexually
active you can't stop her from hanging out with them, just listen to how she feels about issues.

With my teens I find learning opportunities. Maybe we saw something in a movie or on TV that brings up an issue. Of course we all hope that our children will wait to have sex but the reality is (I feel) we need to prepare them to at the very least be safe about it. I have always established open communication with my kids, whether it was about their changing bodies or about the birds and the bees.

She probably knows the mechanics of sex (unfortunately in our times), so I wouldn't begin there.

I would begin talking about love. The love you have experienced, both good experiences and bad results, and why you have chosen to marry your boyfriend.

Why the love is more important than sex and it lasts longer than just "sex". The different expectations that boys and girls have of relations and sex.

The time for talking has passed. What kind of an example are you personally giving her...
More is caught then taught. Not to say we don't teach but kids will learn more by the example of how we lead then by all the words we say. Take a critical look at your example and ask yourself if you would want your daughter to do the same thing. If the answer is no... have the courage and strength to change it in a way she can see and explain to her why you changed your situation. In this way you will empower your daughter to aspire to be the strong upright person she sees you as. Can't get better then that!
Happy Parenting!
(I realize I'm reading between the lines and may be reading incorrectly, if so, I mean no offense. I could not get away from the prompting and had not seen it addressed. Perhaps it is because I am revisiting the "example" I'm giving my kids at the moment and finding I'm coming up short and will be taking my own advice in hand) :-)

I don't have teenagers yet so take my advice for whatever you think it's worth. I was, however, a teenager not too long ago and I can tell you what I wish my parents had done.

They waited to talk to me about sex until I was 14 or 15 which was too late. I learned about sex when I was 8. I didn't become sexually active until I was 18 (and it was with my now-husband), but I'm certain that the fact that I waited had much more to do with who my friends were and the fact that my parents had a stable marriage for me to witness than with how my parents handled the topic.

I recently read a book that I wish my parents had given me when I was around 15 or 16 years old. They never would have, but it really would have helped me understand things about my body and about sex that instead I didn't learn until this year when I'm 25 and have two children.

The book is called "Cycle Savvy" and it's by the lady who wrote "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and it's mostly about the female body and how it works. It introduces girls to charting their cycle so they can feel more comfortable with their cycle. It also has a couple of chapters on sex and the importance of waiting until it's the right time (you should read the book first just to make sure it jives with your beliefs and so you can discuss it with her if she has questions) and there are personal stories from teens and used-to-be-teens who waited and were happy and who didn't wait and were unhappy and who didn't wait and were happy - just all across the spectrum.

The author does discuss different forms of birth control and their pros and cons - including abstinence which is the first one she mentions. She encourages abstinence without limiting the book to only abstinence which I think is a wonderful way to go!

I'm a Christian and I hope my girls wait until they're married to have sex (and they will know that I have that hope for them), but I also want them to have the knowledge to make an informed decision if they do decide not to wait. I truly believe that the answer to premarital sex is not to lie through omission to our children but to give them the information they need to make responsible choices for themselves. All my girls will be receiving a copy of this book when they are teens.

So, I think this book would definitely help your daughter make informed decisions and not just go along with her friends for whatever reason. It would also give her more privacy than having a face to face discussion would. She could then come to you when she wanted/needed to :)

Best wishes!
~B.

Hi L.,

I'm sure I'm probably not supposed to post here as I am not a mom, I'm a dad. I do however have an opinion that I think is worth hearing.

I think another side to look at is one that your boyfriend could shed some light on. Whether you and he would talk with your daughter at the same time (which I think is best for the reason you'll see), and he could shed some light on what the boys are thinking and planning.

I know that my son has had this conversation with his now 16 yr. old daughter (my granddaughter of course). Her reaction was one of supprise and disbelief that guys would take advantage of girls in this way. The thing is, many of the things he told her, she has now seen for herself and seen with her friends or others. This helped things to CLICK in her mind, and she remembered what dad had said, when guys started doing what it is that guys try to do.

Kids need to realize that anything they do to each other (whether oral, by hand, or otherwise)means they are sexually active. Girls/women need to truly understand that if a guy really honestly loves them, he should respect them enough to wait (even if the girl is the one that starts things rolling). Most guys (not all guys, but way too many) are masters of laying it on thick and will say most anything to ultimately get what they want, with not a care what the consiquences will be.

If your boyfriend is uncomfortable having this talk, maybe you have another male role model your daughter feels comfortable with that would be willing to do it with you and her.

I hope what I say next isn't taken wrong, but kids definately do learn by example. I don't know your situation, and I wouldn't want you to rush things, but you may consider either moving up the date of your marriage, or seeing if living apart can work till the date arrives. I think it wouldn't hurt for the 3 of you to talk over your situation and see where each of you stand in ref to the commitment you have and why.

I hope you'll consider letting her hear the guy side to teenage sex. All to often girls learn this after the fact, and lives can be changed and/or damaged for life.

I wish you and yours much love and happiness, and I hope something I've had to say can help in a possitive way. God speed.

Bill T.

My husband taught junior high for four years and he was shocked at what goes on. forget the basics...they are already ahead of us on those.
Keep it very accepting and open to discussion whatever her choice is. Let her know your wishes and explain why you feel that way but let her know that if it ever comes to the place that she is not going to wait...please come to you first and you can talk about birth control. If it comes to that place it is not going to do any good to try and stop her. You are just going to end up with a pregnant daughter. Supply condoms in a drawer and let her know that they are there and what they are for. Although she already knows.
I have a drawer at home that is filled with condoms, spermicidal cremes and all of my 18 year old daughter's friends and my 16 year old son's friends know that it is there.
Most of my daughter's friends are sexually active and are very open with me. My son has been sexually active but my daughter has not. These kids are way ahead of us. If you want to start preparing your child with the sex talk you had better start about third grade.....my husband could not believe how openly the kids talked about but what really shocked him is what the 4th graders were into...L.

Ugggh...the dreaded sex talk :)

I talk very openly about sex with my girls, even at 13 and I get pretty much the same response. You'll never know if it really sinks in because it would be SOOO uncool for them to actually let you know they are listening but I have a feeling they are.
I remember as a teenager doing the same thing. I would never admit that something they said actually sunk in because God forbid they might be right about something LOL!!

So just keep doing what you are doing. One thing I have done with my 16 year old is give her the OK to use me as an excuse to get out of something. That way I take the blame for her leaving the situation and not her. Always let them know that they call you and talk to you.

Just don't stop talking to her! Whether or not she rolls her eyes, continue to make your self available. Talk to her about her social life, and her friends, and be open about your own life, and what it was like for you when you were her age. Ask her about boys, and if she does end up with a boyfriend, help her set boundaries. As long as she knows she won't be "in-trouble" by coming to tell you things, she will! You are going to have to work hard on this one!

L.,
I read all the advice you were given and I wanted to add something in response to those who said that you need to lead by example(seeing how you have a boyfriend, etc)I think that is an excellent point to bring up to your daughter...that one benefit of being an ADULT is you are more capable of making certain choices, she only has 3 short years left before then and sex should be an ADULT choice, whether she chooses to wait till marriage or not. Sadly this is one of those issues we face as parents that we have to just hope that they were listening...as long as you have laid all the consequences on the line and been open and honest, you are doing all you can!
FYI something my mom always told me that stuck was: just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should!

K.

I just started reading your responses and noticed right away that someone mentioned the Gardisil vaccine. Research that before you go that route, if you haven't already. A friend lost her perfectly healthy 19 year old daughter. Yes, it is very rare that death may occur, but it can happen. This is a voluntary vaccine. Just something to think about.

It's been a while, but I still remember what it was like when I was that age and starting to become sexually active. I had a good relationship with my Mom and was pretty sure she'd be understanding (as much as a mom could be in that situation!)... she even mentioned that she would help me with birth control. But did I tell her when I started having sex? NO WAY!!! My best advise is to give your daughter the straight-forward facts, letting her know you just want her to have the right information, and telling her she can always come to you with questions or whatever. You'll still get the "I know" look (at 30, I still give it to my mom!), but she's heard you. If you feel comfortable, share your own experiences - not in detail, just the emotional and good/bad aspects. Your daughter will have to come to her own decision and will either regret it or it will turn out okay. Just stress the importance of SAFE SEX. (Oh- and has she had the Guardasil vaccine? - ask you GYN or pediatrician). We all know it's important to wait... but it doesn't always happen. So, my favorite analogy: If you're going to have a pool, don't just build a fence or tell them to stay away... teach 'em how to swim.

Hey L.,

This may sound silly but there's this great new show on MTV that is called "Sex with Mom & Dad" and it addresses exactly what you are going through w/ your daughter. It helps teach parents & teens how to open up to eachother about sex. It might be worth watching w/ her and will at least make you both laugh! Good luck!

One of the things that my dad always told me that always stuck in my head besides the waiting until you were married thing. As girls we have a lot more to loose than boys. When you hold hands with a guy for the first time - you can never go back to that perfect aukward sensation...it's lost. When you "let" your boyfriend go under the shirt...you begin to lose that innocence and you want more - because of the temptation. But, You can never go back....so as "girls" we have a lot more to loose when playing the game of girl getting boy. or vise versa. It was very interesting how when I began to get more involved with "boys"...it opened my eyes a little more too. But as soon as we had fallen into the trap of "giving it up", then the boys would just leave - they got what they wanted....so we in the end have a lot more to loose. Just a thought to throw out there. Good luck with your daughter - it's hard. I remember the "Hell" I put my parents through as being a teenage girl. I hope and pray that you and your daughter find that common ground to be able to talk about this crazy and sesitive topic. One interesting fact too - I heard from that Dr. Drew Pinsky from "Love Line" that sex to a women doesn't feel "Good" until after 18 to 19 anyway. Which was really true.....in my book. Another thought.

please if you haven't had your daughter get the hpv vaccine please consider it as well as talking to her about all the methods of bc. I have 5 different friends with some form of hpv, it is a life changing disease. I was lucky and I fully realize how lucky I am. I didn't end up with something life changing or pregnant. I also wish I had made different choices. I hope that she will get that having sex could change her life and not in a good way, and it could possibly end it, besides hiv or aids there is a lot of std's that cause cancer, she will probably have sex at some point soon so make sure she has some condoms.
lot's of luck
T.

Hi I'm T. and I know from past experience that it isn't easy having teenage daughters but one thing is for sure you tell them the hazards of having sex besides getting pregnant. It is a scary thing to have sex with just anybody these days. All the diseases that can occur and my oldest has an incurable disease which is not deadly but you have it the REST of your life and can spread it if not careful. Plus you give a little bit of yourself when you have sex. It is a heart thing if you know what I mean!

sometimes that means they are already active and dont want to talk to you about it.birth control verses a teen with a baby.