I have two children with my 1st husband and one child with my 2nd. After my 2nd divorce, I decided to take my 1st husband's name back. Throughout the four years I was married to my 2nd husband I was still called by my children's last name. My youngest is not of school age yet, so I felt it would be easier to just take back my first husband's name.
I have had comments made to me ( not by my ex or his family) that this is an uncommon practice and it is unheard of. They question why I would do such a thing. It is implied that I have surpressed feelings for my ex and/or his family.
I'd like some comments and thoughts from other women as to how they feel or would do in this situation.
My mother just went back to her maiden name. She promised if she remarried she would still stick with it,,
My mother in law has kept her first husbands name (even through her second marriage) so she and her kids would always have the same last name. It has worked just fine! Do what you feel is right : )
My only thought on this is that if the reasoning behind it is to have the same last name as your kids, I get that...but what about your 3rd child? Won't he be the only one left out? IDK, if it were me I would just go back to my maiden name...but I am biased and never dropped mine when I got married...just added his on!
Don't let what others think dictate what you do...you do what YOU want to do!
It's understandable and while uncommon, is not unheard of. [My MIL did this, even though all her kids were grown when she got divorced from #2. Not totally sure why she did it, except that all her kids (all boys) were by #1 so had the same last name, and I think she thought it would be easier for her grandchildren, to have both Grandma and Grandpa have the same last name as them. Plus, my FIL's last name is ***a lot*** easier to spell than her #2's last name. The bitterness had faded from divorce #1, while it was fresher for divorce #2, as well.]
Fwiw, I used to work at a pharmacy and it was frustrating for us trying to keep track of "who went with who" when everybody had different last names, so just from that perspective, it will be easier on a lot of folks, particularly if they're used to calling you "Mrs. Smith" even when you were married to "Mr. Jones."
If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you can't please everybody, and that *somebody* is going to take exception to what you choose to do.
You are divorced for a reason, go back to your maiden name
I agree with the ladies who said take back the maiden name. It is YOURS and you can keep it for the rest of your life....remarriage or not. My former SIL (who by the way, I still consider my SIL and friend) totally changed her name to something that meant something to her. She kept her first name but took the word meaning "victorious" because she had been through so much with her ex. She talked to her kids about it and they were good with her doing this. She didn't want her maiden name either due to some childhood issues so she picked something she liked for a name. She is an awesomely strong lady and I admire her. She has done a great job with her kids and they are awesome! So moral of the story, do what makes you happy! Good luck with your decision.
I have two children, one from a previous relationship and one from my current marriage. My oldest has my maiden name and my youngest has my husband's name that I also took. So my daughter is the odd one out. She's only 7, but I asked her if she minded having a different name than me. She doesn't seem bothered by it in the least, actually I think she kinda likes it. She doesn't want me to change her name.
Do what you feel comfortable with. I totally understand you wanting to have the same name as two of the three children, it just makes it easier. Maybe consider hyphenating both of your married names so that you can use whatever you want.
Talk to the kids too if they are old enough. What do the kids want? Do they even care? My daughter didn't. Just do what works for you and your family.
Good luck!
My 2 kids are by my ex. I got married in Oct. I have decided to hyphen my name (my ex husbands and my new husbands "Heck-Perkins"). The reason for this is because all of my business info (I own an insurance agency) is under "Heck" as well as its my kids last name. However, because I'm remarried, everyone "assumes" I have changed my name to my new husbands name, "Perkins". I guess it is sort of confusing but makes sense to me!
You aren't married to him anymore and it's not your last name...that's why it's so odd. I think you should either go to your maiden name or keep the one you have. You could just introduce yourself as C. last husbands name-first husbands name. Not legally change it, that way none of the kids will feel left out.
I admit it is a little odd and I have never heard of anyone doing that, so I guess that makes it "unheard of". But I see your point. My mom took her maiden name back after her divorce, and she was constantly having to prove she was my mom and getting called the wrong name.
If there are no hard feelings and you can live with being called by your ex's last name, and he doesn't have an issue with it, why should anyone else? Just tell them that you didn't take your ex's name back, you took your children's name back. (admittedly, that would be an easier reply if you didn't have a third with a different name... I don't, know, I just don't think its a big deal.)
Having worked with divorcing people for years, I can tell you that it really isn't that uncommon especially if the woman is or has been known by that name for a number of years or if the second marriage was not long in duration. A lot of women like to share the same last name as their children.
I think you could change your name to Joe Blow, and it's no one's concern but your own. Do whatever is most convenient for you.
I had my 1st child before my husband and I were married - and although there was little doubt we would marry - I had a really hard time with giving my daughter his name and us not all sharing one. So, I understand that desire.
I also think in this day and age - we see mixed families everywhere - and it shouldn't be that big of a deal for mommy to have a different last name then her children, but it gets a little complicated when there is 3 last names in a family of 4. So......
Maybe you can hyphenate your maiden and previously married last name? Then you can break it up and use it as you see fit?
Or - do what you want. The only people that will know - should be people who already know you and accept you, so let them imagine "your issues" - and if they need an explanation - agree with them.
"Yes, it really isn't typical, but I think that sharing my children's name with them is more important then reclaiming my former maiden name identity or worrying about what someone might want to speculate about me."
I have a good friend who did the same thing to match her kid's last name.
This is 'too little, too late', but did you not get your 'ex's permission to use his name before you went back to it? It's just rather odd unless he would've died (then I think it would be more understandable). I don't know any 'rules' about it. It's just odd, but it's done and unless the original family with that name has a problem with it, let the comments roll off! I don't think it's worth ANOTHER name change just to pacify people with strong opinions!
you could always go by C. A Whatever/Whatever. that way all the children would be named. good luck and god bless. R.
My aunt did the same thing after her second divorce. She simply said she had had her 1 ex husband's last name longer than any other name. It was what she felt most comfortable being called! Honestly, if it were me, I would probably never go back to my maiden name. My last name now is so much easier , and I rarely have to spell it out, unlike my maiden name.
Anyway, do what you want to do! It's your name- and no one else!
My mother kept my father's name after the divorce for 2 reasons. One was so that we would all have the same last name and two because she said she had his last name longer than she had her maiden name. It was what she felt was right. If you want to have the same last name as your children, then it is not so strange.
I think that is an unfair assumption of others. I understand your reasoning for it my mom did it and my brother and I were grown. I am on my second marriage and when my girls were in school I too was called by my ex last name its a common mistake for anyone who doesn't know. Just be prepared for it when your son is of school age.
Hi C.,
My opinion is that as long as your ex does not take issue with it, then it is no one's business but your own. Do you have suppressed feelings for your ex? Only you can answer that. Who cares what other people say - it is not their business! You should do what you feel is right for you and your kids.
Cyndi
I was wondering the same thing except I was going to hyphenate it from McIntosh to Elliott-McIntosh because my first two children wanted me to have their last name also so they didn't feel left out. And also my first husband passed away 7 years ago but his family and I talk all the time. I don't think it would be a big deal.
I completely agree with your choice to take back your ex's last name. I have a son from my first marriage. Since marrying hubby #2 I usually go by both last names. It makes it easier, especially in matters related to school. If for any reason I found myself no longer married I would go back to my first husbands last name because that is the name i share with my child. It has nothing to do with harboring feelings for the ex (because we do not have a great relationship and he doesnt see his son). I dont see anything wrong or improper with this whole situation :) Do what feels best for you and your children and dont worry about others. It may not be the norm but that doesnt make it bad :)
It is a little weird if you ask me...I would think you'd just go to your maiden name. I understand you took it because of your older children...but what happens when your third child goes into school?? I'm just not sure there's a whole lot of logic there so mayeb there are some supressed feelings...
sure it's uncommon but if you're comfortable with it and comfortable explaining to your children why you chose one name over the other than i don't see why you should have to explain to anyone else. if you are not comfortable explaining to the children than i suggest going back to your maiden name - no explanation needed.
Personally, I don't like it. But maybe that's because my husband's ex is doing the same thing right now and I question her reasoning for it. But since your post doesn't come off as doing it to antagonize any new family your 1st exhusband has, I guess it isn't too bad.
