Surviving Company

I think you would be well within your right to tell sister "Hey woman! Come help me with dinner"...and then you can both make the kids' plates (she hers how they like them and you yours), then when its done before anyone gets up from the table say something like "Who wants to clear and who wants to load the dishwasher and who wants to take care of the kids and who wants to clean the counters?"

I get that you have a strained relationship, I do not w/ my sister, so my suggestions might seem strange but you have an opportunity to rebuild that relationship any way you want. If them making messes and not helping with the clean up bothers you so much...talk to your sister! She is a mommy too, and knows full well how hard it is to clean up after others. Just be honest, direct and kind. She will probably understand. If she doesn't, then you will have to reevaluate how much you want to burden yourself in the name of family?

Unless your sister and her family are totally poor and have spent their last dime coming to visit you, and you know it, the request for diapers is ridiculous...her kids, her diapers! I can see having favorite snacks and such but the diapers are over the top...don't be a doormat!

Best of luck to you...I mean what I say about just being honest...it is the best way to go...it is what has kept myself and my sister close all these years. She is my BFF and we talk everyday...most days more than once...and we have both helped each other out when the other needed and HAVE HAD to have the conversation about picking up after each other and each others kids. She will understand!

This might not be the truth of the matter, but I would work under the ASSUMPTION that guests often feel awkward pitching in at the host's house. Working under that assumption, find a way to politely tell your guests what you like them to help with. For example, after a meal, simply say, "Let's tackle the kitchen so we can go watch a movie together. Can you clear the table while I wash the dishes? And can someone take out the garbage when we're done?" I would also tell her, "Hey sis, the washer and dryer are at your disposal. Let me know if you need help with the settings." Because I purely hate doing laundry and would NOT want to do someone else's.

As for supplies (food, diapers, etc.). I might reply to the list with something like, "Feel free to bring what you can though I understand you can't pack up your entire house. So let's just plan on having a fun sister shopping outing when you get here and you can pick up the extra stuff you need for the kids. Oh! And let's think about sharing chef duties. We'll swing by the grocery store and you can pick up the ingredients for the whatever you make that I love so much and I will volunteer for a big brunch on another day."

good for you for making the effort to bond with your family! i also believe it's worth it. my ideas:
send her an email that you will take her to the grocery store when she gets there so she can buy her special items. find out ahead of time where a specialty store like Good Earth is in case she can't find things at your grocery store.
borrow a high chair, baby gate, pack n' play or playpen from a neighbor whose toddler has outgrown them.
my parents have a rule of no food out of the dining room and it took several visits for us to get it cemented in our behavior. so you may have to gently remind the kids to come to the table often and even help them get up on a chair. hopefully their parents will pick up on it and be responsible for it too, but don't get discouraged if they don't. it takes time to learn other people's habits if they are not your own.
don't be afraid to ask your sister to help you with a specific task when you feel overwhelmed. but keep in mind that a 9 month old in a non-baby-proofed home can require a lot of supervision. so she will be busy. maybe you can do a little more to baby-proof, like get some outlet covers? also try Freecycle.com for some of the baby items if you can't borrow them.
i hope the visit goes well and you are able to bond with your family as you are wanting!

I have learned that you just have to accept people the way they are if the visit is to go well. My MIL pretty much takes over our downstairs bathroom, leaving pencil shreddings ont he counter, medications just sitting out. Ick and ugh. But I know now that's what will happen and get in the mindset that that's how it is. I also find subtle ways to minimize the problems.

There are some simple strategies you can try to minimize your workload, though. For starters, if they spill food in the family room, say something like, "Oh, look at all those crumbs. Here, let me get you our Dustbuster." Leaving dishes out? "Oh, I already unloaded the dishwasher, so you can put your dishes in there now."

When it's time to make dinner, make it "kids help out" time and then remind them about the importance of cleaning up. Subtlely gets the message across.

Another thought is to make up a reason for a neighbor to come by ... anything, like picking up a book to borrow (enlist the neighbor's help) ... and then use that as a reason to clean up: "Neighbor is coming over in an hour. So, everyone, let's pick up this mess. So-and-so, maybe you can pick up the toys while so-and-so vacuums the crumbs in the corner and I'll do xyz." Makes it less like you're saying they're slobs and more that you just need to clean up before someone gets there.

Good luck!

i was going to say suck it up halfway through your post only because if you want to mend the relationship you start by being a great host. but then i read further, and just something struck a cord with me. i hate inconsiderate people, furthermore, i hate people who expect everything handed to them without having to lift a finger. i still say put on a smile and get through it if you ever want to have a relationship with her. her baby is 9 months old of course she will feed the baby anywhere and the no food rule will go out of the window. i mean, she's probably tired and stressed out as it is. but when she's done feeding the baby tell her where the vacuum is. also, you said you received an email about what you need to stock up on. shoot her an email back and say no problem do you have a limit to the amount i should spend? maybe prices are different here so i just want to make sure i stay within YOUR LIMIT of spending. HINT NUMBER 1 (you're paying for the stuff you need).
HINT 2: in that same email you say i am so excited to have you guys over, i am sure between you and me sharing the household chores we will have then time to spend with each other and out families.
when they get there do not assume she will know when to pitch in. in fact nothing wrong with you saying (for example after dinner is finished): do you mind bringing the dishes to the sink i'll rinse and put in dishwasher.
the only way for you to survive the visit is to be able to communicate what needs to be done between you two. if you don't, you will get tired, cranky, moody which then will reflect on everything that you do, the way you talk, mingle etc. so instead of building up frustration, you allow yourself and her to share everything (all chores).
we all have friends or families like that. i had a family visit once (such distant cousins), who had an older child, and i had 2 years old at that time, the guy wanted beer, so we got him beer (we don't drink), and he kept leaving empty beer bottles all over the place. the day i found so many in the yard, basement, the room they were staying in, i came and got him and asked him to pick up all of them. no explanation needed from my part. they're adults. if they don't know better, we teach them better.
good luck

OMG, your sis has the NERVE to "order" everything she wants YOU to provide when they come to YOUR house? She shot you an e-mail requesting those things??? Um, they are HER kids, HER family, HER costs. NOT YOURS. I would shoot her an e-mail back and tell her to FIRST give you the money first, that having guests costs you money and more utility costs, and she can leave money for you too, for those things.
Egad, what an attitude of entitlement she has. REAL rude, to say the least.
You do NOT have to let it happen. Being a host for houseguests, does not mean you pick up THEIR tab nor their necessities for THEIR kids.
AND you gotta talk it over with your Hubby... that is his house too, and his bills, and his costs too.
Your sister, is WAY out of line, to ask you to pay for and provide those things for then they arrive. Who do they think they are? Queen Elizabeth?

Wow, the husband's hate each other, you and your sister had/have a strained relationship, and she & her family are slobs and they have 2 kids who have no boundaries. Oh, and the rest of the family will be in and out of your house for visiting, constantly.
What a situation!

What does your Hubby think? He must not be looking forward to it either.
Your home will not be your home, until they leave.
Your "rules" will not be honored, nor your being host to them.
Even if you state rules, it will probably be ignored. As history has proven.

Either, let it go when they are at your home... or, you post up, in a poster board in a common area, the "rules." They are not just guests, but "family" and they should all ideally pitch in, and with costs of feeding them and/or their laundry. But it probably won't happen.

I would, post up a "rule" poster.
AND, you all have your own household to mind and your schedules and routines too... for you and your kids. And will you/Hubby be taking off of work during that time? (if you and hubby do work).
ANd yes, put away, ALL fragile or valuable items or private things. For your sakes.

I don't know of a conclusive error free way of handling them. But, based on their history of behavior and poor manners... well, you might just have to put up with them, for that period of time. For clean up, just TELL your sister "hey could ya help cleaning up the mess?" Just be direct.

All the best,
Susan

We used to travel a lot with my husbands job (120,000 miles in 3 years, plus quite a few flights). At the time we started, we had 2 kids, ended with 3. We usually stayed in people's houses.

It is totally inappropriate for your sister to assume you will be picking up the entire tab. When you get there, you can offer to take her to the store, or let her go while you keep the kids. Having milk (something your family could use) would be a nice touch. My kids had to be on goat's milk due to allergies and similar issues. I never assumed people would by anything but normal milk. We just picked up what we needed when we got there, usually before we actually arrived.

As for diapers, while I do provide them for my guests, I only provide what I happen to have on hand. I would never expect for someone else to buy such an expensive item!

Helping out is sometimes awkward, and usually offers are not excepted, but then again, we weren't family. I always helped out with family. I like the idea of assigning her a night to make a favorite dish. Otherwise, make offers like already mentioned. I wouldn't make deals, just offer ideas. Here's how you can help, kind of statements.

I so get the crumbs thing! You might bring the vacuum to her, and say something like "Here's the vacuum so you can vacuum up when you're done. We usually confine snacks and drinks to the kitchen."

I understand you want to reconcile the relationships here, but maybe the relationship would be better if she stayed with other people in town. It sounds like there is plenty of family. You don't need to be a doormat as someone else mentioned.

I liked the idea of the family potluck dinners, too. Great idea! GL! I'm sure this isn't an easy situation, no matter how it goes. I hope you can have some fun. If not, maybe reconsider hosting next time.

Wow. I am really not saying this to be snarky, but why aren't they staying in a motel? With 2 husband who hate each other and your sister being such an inconsiderate and entitled future house-guest, how can you really be happy that they are staying with you? But by the end of your post, you're already dreading this visit. I really don't know what to say to you. It's difficult to give you any advice since you created this situation after already being through it once before.

I really and truly cannot believe she sent you that email listing what they expected to have waiting for them. Why would you want to recreate this scenario? How does your husband feel about this?

They could have stayed in a hotel but for whatever reason you have decided to invite/allow them to stay in your home. So you have to make peace with the fact that you will be the maid for the duration of their visit, or you need to hand her the dustbuster when she allows cracker crumbs on the floor. If you don't want to strain the relationship by asking her to act like a considerate adult, you can at least open your mouth to her children and ask them to put their own plate in the kitchen and maybe their mom will get the hint. Be prepared to be the maid, though, since you are allowing them to stay in your home even though you know how they are. Seriously, I am not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it because if you know ahead of time what to expect and can make peace with it before they come, it will be better for you.If you know someone is a certain way, accepting it is better than getting frustrated. As for the groceries, if it were me I would say that I'm so sorry but I just did not get the time to shop yet, and either point her in the direction of the local store once she arrives or go together and when you get to the register, either say, "Should we split 50/50?" Or keep her special items seperate from the rest of the groceries and when you get to the register ask if she wants to go first or should you. Or say you're sorry you didn't get a chance to get to the store yet but they should rest after their traveling and you can run up to the store now-- ask if you can use her credit card or if she has cash.

How rude of your sister to expect you to provide food and supplies for her family. Weird! I have gone to visit family...and while they tend to insist on cooking, cleaning, etc. I still came prepared with items that are not the norm for them (i.e.diapers,baby snakcs, etc) but I also would never disrespect someone's house "rules" or not offer to help clean up after dinner.

When I have company I do not expect them to help with meals or clean-up at all...but then again I've never had guests that didn't at least offer. I've also never had guests that were so rude as to do whatever they wanted in my home.

I would simply say to your sister if the situation arises with her children eating in a room you don't allow--- "I'm not trying to cause tension, but we do not eat in the family room, only in the kitchen. Please respect my wishes as I would if I were in your home." And as for the "list" I would tell her you'd gladly pick up extra milk (as I know that would spoil in a car ride)but that you will not be supplying diapers (ABSURD for her to even ask) that she should come prepared with all her other supplies that she needs for her children.

I'm still dumbfounded she would even ask...I go visit my parents and I still hit the grocery store on the way in to get special items I know they don't normally keep. Now I know they are my parents and they continually insist on me letting them know what I need...but as an adult you're responsible for your own family and what they need...especially when you are coming as a guest into someone else's home.
Good luck! It sounds like your sister is kindof bratty and expects a vacation on your dime. :(

Definitely agree with Kaye S. too...tell your sister you'll gladly take her to the store when she gets there to pick up the things she needs (with HER paying the tab!).

Your right to want to mend the relationship between the brother-in-laws. The positive in this situation is the fact they are being smart to rent a car, which means that they are not going to be underfoot 24/7.....The negatives are expecting you to pay for everyday things that are required for them and their children. You should be 100% honest by stating that finances are on your mind and she should be prepared to chip in and if she is not willing to take this into consideration, she should opt for the nearest hotel. The idea for this visit is to heal feelings not create more bad feelings.
I have had company stay by our home and the rules my husband set in stone to me about it was that I am not to be chained to a stove cooking meals daily. Before your sister and her family arrives try to set some time for family visits outside your home & let other family members pitch in and host a meal. Don't dread the clean up afterwards hire a service to come in before they arrive you might be surprised at the cost to do this and in doing so, I would consider it being a present to myself for being such a good sister!!!

I say take a break from housecleaning while they're there. Buy a bunch of frozen pizzas, pre-made frozen items like lasagnas, etc. It's easy. While seeing your house a disaster area may be annoying, just leave it. Why keep cleaning if they're going right behind you and dropping crumbs or leaving a towel laying around or whatever. Clean for their arrival, clean after they leave. If no one helps cook then those easy to make items will be awesome. If she comments on them, tell her you dont normally get to enjoy her company when they're there since you're cleaning and cooking so you wanted to make it easy. Maybe she'll get a clue. Good luck!

I didn't read the other posts, so I don't know if I'm repeating, but just because her family is in your house, doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. Don't let them walk all over you!

As for the special food list, go out and buy the items and tell her that you expect to be reimbursed. Actually, I would tell her before they come out and say, "Listen, Sis. Money is tight, so you are going to have to pay for your own groceries while you are here. Our house is not baby-proofed so you're going to have to pay extra attention to your kids too."

Why can't your sister help out while she's at your house? Just ask. "Hey sis, can you clear the table and sweep the floor for me? That would really help me out, thanks!" or "Hey sis, can you vacuum up your child's crumbs? Great! Thanks!"

Good luck.

Wow- I am wondering if having everyone staying at your house is going to help this relationship or make it harder! If your husbands hate each other, can you rely that both will at least remain civil?

My brother and his wife have 3 children who are all much younger than my son. They have come out to Chicago to visit and stayed with us twice. Both times, they have pitched in for groceries, bought their own 'special' items, taken us out to dinner as a thanks for the free place to stay and done everything they could to help with chores and tidy up after themselves. We have all had a great visit every time, largely because each branch of the family is respectful and appreciates the other.

I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean, but this is jaw-dropping to me. Your sister's family is totally taking advantage here. This kind of treatment is not going to repair your relationship! Emailing you a special grocery list- is she a rock star or Celine Dion or something who thinks the hospitality suite will be stocked for her arrival??
Your sister needs to take responsibility for herself and her kids and clean up and pitch in- you are giving them a free place to stay for Pete's sake!

I can understand you wanting to patch things up with your sister, but it takes two to tango here. If she and her husband don't meet you halfway, then I would tell them that you always enjoy visiting with them, but next time you feel that it would just be less stressful for everyone- including them!- if they stayed at your parents' house or a hotel. Good luck with this!

Don't buy extra stuff for them if you can't afford it. Just provide the basics like food and water, a toilet, towels, shower etc. If you can afford it, I'd have lots of paper plates to cut down on dishes. Do simple, easy meals which will cut down on mess and money spent. Don't feel bad about saying "Hey, would you mind if your child ate in the kitchen?" Be cheerful and enjoy your family. If it gets to be too much for your family, then next time maybe they can stay somewhere else. Good luck to you and I hope you have a nice visit!

You sound a lot like me. I very much like things to be neat and orderly and sometimes company can cause a bit of anxiety for me as well. Especially if I just cleaned the house, which is always the case. I still can not figure out why I spend so much time trying to get the house ready for a party, and then people come and it is a complete disaster. Anyway... I would say that you need to let it go a bit. I know this can seem really tough, beleive me I go through it myself, but just let it go, as much as you can, while your company is at your home. The other thing is that you could engage your children and your sister's four year old to help clean up. This might trigger your sister's response to pitch in and help. A bit passive-agressive, but sometimes situations call for passive-agressive behavior. If you get your family on the same page, they can all try and engage your sister's family as well. Worth a try? If the four year old is eating in the family room, ask her to eat that in the kitchen. If your sister is not willing to do so, you can. It is your home and they all can respect your rules.
I would also suggest maybe having a discussion with either your sister, or the family that is local, about pitching in monetarily for groceries and what not. You could phrase it in a way, that you and your husband are financially tight right now and could everyone pitch in a little for groceries. Make sure that you let your sister know that you are so happy that her family is staying with you and that they are always welcome. Let her know that you hate to ask, but things are really tight and if they could help out with the groceries for meals that would be great. You could also let the extended family know this as well. Hey, times are tough. Your entire family can not expect you to host and foot the entire bill! I hope this is helpful. I think if the family can help out monetarily it will relieve some of the anxiety and not make the messy part so bad. Good luck!

while i know you don't want to further any strain with your sister, you also don't need to be a doormat... that's gonna build some resentment on your end and cause more problems in the end. it's YOUR house, so YOUR rules. if you don't want the kids eating in certain areas, TELL THEM. you don't have to be rude or nasty, just say "in our house, we only eat in the kitchen and dining room, so please take your snack in there and come out when you are finished, thank you!". i am a neat freak and only allow food in our kitchen - i don't have any problem presenting/enforcing those rules with company. if your sister truly can't respect you(your rules and your home), then your relationship isn't as mended as you think it is and you need to consider having them stay in a hotel or with other family members next time. now, i do always plan to provide food and such when i have company, and if i had someone flying in(which it sounds like they are), i would certainly not mind buying a pack of diapers - i would see it as they are spending $$$ to come visit, i'll do my part by providing food and such for the week(now, if it was gonna break me financially, it would be different!). good luck, and don't let her walk on you - you can very graciously and politely command respect from others.

a. any company that comes over should help clean up after themselves, otherwise it's considered rude.
b. if they have special "requests" for when they arrive, as far as food goes, they can take their rears to the grocery store and get them theirselves.
when we have family over and they don't get up to help clean up dinner, I do say something scathing, like, it was really nice that my husband(he's a professional chef) went out of his way to make you a nice dinner and your gonna sit there and let him do the dishes too? i don't think so, let's go. and they get off their butts because now they feel ashamed and guilty, and kick my hubby out of his kitchen so they can clean up.
good luck
ps, if they don't want to help with the chores while their guest in your home, tell them they are welcome to stay in a hotel and eat out at restaurants where they will certainly pay more for the convience of being a slob

I would just be honest with her, the more you worry about it and/or let her run over you about things the worse your relationship will be! Can you just tell her something like, "I am so glad you are coming, but I am going to be honest with you, I am a little nervous about things. It is for a week and i have some concerns about the visit. " Then nicely address the issues. I would start out with the concern of the babyproofing, show that you are thinking more of them than yourself. "Since the kids are older, we do not have anything babyproofed, do you have some extra gates, locks, etc. you might be able to bring, so WE ALL don't have to worry so much and can relax and visit" Another suggestion would be to ask friends or family if maybe they have extra stuff you might borrow for the week. About picking up and following the rules, how about something like, "This many people uner one roof is going to be hectic, I wil really need your help to keep things under control. " Then when they are there, just specifically, tell them what to do, " Sis can you hel me with the dishes, while the kids clear the table?" or Sally can you clean upthe toys so i can vaccum?" You will prob have to let up on you cleanig a bit, but I wouldn't just let it go.
Talk to the other family members and set up a pot lock schedule for meals, there is no reason why you should be expected to foot everything for everybody. About being asked to pick up things for her, jst tell her you would be happy to get them for, but that with everything else, you just can't spare the extra cash rigfht now, can she send you some cash so you can have the stuff when she gets there. Or ther are also websites thst she could order the stuff and have it shipped to your address.
I think honesty is the best policy, besides if they do not like the "new vacation rules" next time they will prob stay with other family or in a hotel. Either way it will be better!! :) If she can't understand your concerns, then I would not want her around anyway. Sometimes our own sanity needs to come over our relationships with family. I really love my family, but sometimes I don't like them!!
Good Luck!! :)

Just because you received the "list" doesn't mean you have to go buy that stuff. When they arrive, you can direct them to the nearest store. Also, your sis is going to have her hands full with those two kids away from home in a non child proofed environment, so I wouldn't expect much in the way of doing dishes or vacuuming etc from her. The other family that lives around you needs to be told right now that these will be "potluck" dinners, so start asking around what they would like to bring - you will supply the meat and they can bring sides, snacks, desserts. Don't worry about keeping your normal standard of clean. Let things go. Every one should be able to follow your house rules. If you say no eating in the family room and they do, then tell them again.

Have you ever searched for a home nearby on vrbo.com, that your sis and family could stay at? I recently had my in-law, parents and sis, brother & teen and found a 3 bedroom which worked out perfectly for them. They picked up their rental car and went straight to the house and then to the grocery store before I even heard from them! I have a 2 yr old which was taking a nap so it worked out perfectly. Maybe you could explain that they would probably be more comfortable in their own space and even offer to split the cost? Afterall, it may well be worth the cost of not having to worry about them trashing your place. Also, you could suggest going out to eat rather than having to host everyone at your place. It doesn't even have to be anything fancy, maybe even a Mc Donald's with a playland for the kids. Hopefully, this will allow you to relax and enjoy time with family. Good luck!

Why, in heaven's name (a) are you doing this in the first place, and (b) given that you are doing this, having them stay at your place. Why not have t hem stay in a motel and go out to dinner?

WOW, She hasn't even gotten there yet and you are already exhausted, just the kind of company everyone wishes for. I'm sorry but i find a list of specialized foods and DIAPERS (does anyone in your home use diapers) that she expects you to provide not only rude but...I don't know i'm speechless but man would i be irritated.
Good luck Sweetie, I don't think I'd manage many days without blowing my cool personally.
When I go visiting I go out and buy groceries to help out and clean up as much as possible, it's called not wearing out your welcome and wishing to make the visit enjoyable for everyone. i know that none of my sisters would ever act the way your sister does either.
Just sad.

Wow! I know how you feel! But I guess the one thing I can say that may at least let you stand your ground one place is this...... If the food that you keep on hand for your family isn't good enough let them do their own shopping! Other than that ask for help when the time comes to clean up dishes and such. You may be surprised who steps up to dry the dishes!

My heart says relax, I know it's easier said than done, but it might be a good time to just sit and talk with your sister and renew your relationship.

Try to hold back and leave the mess (another thing that's hard to do), it might be the action needed for someone else to help out. You could look at it this way: clean-up every half hour for as long as they stay, or clean-up once when they leave. You should not be exhausted or broke after a visit from family, maybe it's time for a heart to heart talk. A quick e-mail with directions to the nearest store, so they could pick-up their own items, since you would hate to buy the wrong brand, etc., might be helpful or might just be the cause of WW3. I don't know your sister or family, but what your family has become accustom to when they are a guest in your home, is just wrong. Family doesn't treat family (or anyone else) with such disrespect.

I hope hearts and minds are open during this visit and that your husbands find some kind of a bond to start their own relationship. Life is too short and your children will and are learning from what they see and hear.

I'll be praying for you, K..

It sounds like you are pre-empitvely sabbotaging the visit with your sister!! I believe the situation may happen exactly like you say though... so is it possible to try to roll with it? Is she doing any real damage, or just making a mess? Because messes can be cleaned up. Own yourself and your feelings. Be responsible for yourself and your feelings. It's not that the house will change if it is messy - you can put it back - but don't let that control your emotions to stress you. Control yourself!! Be secure in your own home, childproofed or not - she chose to stay there, I am sure you warned her - she will also have to take ownership of what happens to herself and her family as well.
Sometimes if we worry abotu ourselves, and keeping ourselves in check, the rest works itself out just fine.
Breathe. Deeply. It will pass.

Read the answers from Susan and Kimberly. Ann Landers used to say that people treat you the way you LET them. No wonder your husband doesn't get along with them. Do NOT buy anything special. You will never be reimbursed. Tell her she can go to the store when she gets there. I know you want a better relationship but if the other person isn't also making an effort you will not only fail but will get the blame for anything else that goes wrong. And - they are staying a few WEEKS! They should divide their time among other family members, but then they know how these people are and don't want them in their homes either! Hate to say it, but you sound like the doormat in the family. I give you a lot of credit for having a generous spirit and a sincere desire to have good family relations but I think they all take you for granted. So - you can just suck it up, put up with the mess and clean when they are gone or lay some groundwork ahead of time to let them know it isn't another visit to the pushover. You've had some great suggestions about engaging help from everyone so take what works for you, take deep breaths and try to enjoy their company.

Wow!

I agree almost wholeheartedly with Shannon's comments.

We don't live anywhere near either of our families and travel a few times/year to see them. We always take enough supplies of things we need (or arrange a way to get them once there) when we travel. We pack enough diapers/wipes, sippy cups, etc. I'll either ask to borrow a car or (we usually drive) go to the store myself to pick-up milk.

That being said, a week is a long time to have people in your house. It sounds like you and your sister have completely different approaches to things. I almost want to recommend to take her aside when she gets there and let her know some of your concerns.

When we travel (our kids are 3.5 and 23 months), we NEVER expect anyone's home to be child-proofed. It's our responsibility to keep an eye on them in new environments. We surprised my parents by driving 600 miles to DC at Christmas, and found their family room full of chemicals from a flooded laundry room. There wasn't a second that we didn't watch our kids like a hawk to make sure something didn't happen.

I think you'll have to bite your tongue on some things and let the house rules be known on others. I hate to say it, but you'll have to compromise - it's really hard for me, too, because I tend to be a control freak in my house.

I hope the week goes well. I hope you're pleasantly surprised.

Well, you answered your own questions there... I assume you invited them, you know what happened last time, so I would suggest you just mentally prepare yourself for picking up and cleaning up after them while they are there.
I can totally empathize, my sis used to be the same when we visited my mom together, BUT you can either use this opportunity to mend your relationship, or you fuss over a dirty house and possibly make things worse... are some cracker crumbs on your floor really worth yet another fight with your sister?

From your email it sounds like this relationship is important to you, so maybe just schedule a day of deep cleaning after they are gone (maybe you can even hire someone to help), box up all your fragiles and valuables and stash them in storage and ready yourself for a week of (hopefully fun) chaos.

As for your sisters "shopping list" I would let her know that you will have a few days of necessary items on hand (especially if they are traveling far) and that you would be happy to show them to a store where they can shop for their own diapers and special needs items for their kids. In our family we usually provide food and toiletries for visitors and they are expected to buy their own diapers and "kid stuff" - however it is nice if you don't actually have to run to the store fresh off the plane...

Good luck!

Ugh! That sounds horrible. If I were you, I'd by the worst brand diapers from the dollar store or anything else they can't seem to provide. In this economy, if they are looking for a handout, they should take what they can get and not expect people to bend backwards. This will also teach them to get their own if they want a specific brand. I do agree with piking your battles. What you could do is prepare by covering your furniture to protect it. Maybe a cheap rug or something. Just a thought. Also, paper plates, cups etc. to cut down on cleaning. It's all about improvising to make your life easier.

Wow, the nerve!! This is precisely why I transition into helicopter parent mode when I go to visit other people's houses. I would hate to have our visit pose such an undue burden to our gracious hosts.

I haven't been able to read most of the replies, so perhaps this has already been suggested...

Rather than pretend that you did not have time to get her items, I'd reply back to the email saying something to the effect of, "I checked some of the area stores and found that you can get your special milk and diapers at X store. Here's the address and map for your convenience." I think that this will let her know that you do not intend to purchase items that are the responsibility of the parent and stave off any future grocery lists.

Good luck!!!!

we have 13 kids in my family, and my home is often the Hub, because we live in the middle of the family members who live in state. When company comes into town (the out of staters) we plan dinners by shooting out an email saying this is the meal plan for each night, these are the things we need people to bring and ask for them to sign up.
Paper plates, cups, disposable silverware--that goes on the list when we are doing those as well. as for dishes, we say everyone wash their own, (if there is a dishwasher like at our house, we empty it and open it as people are finishing dinner) Parents help get their kids dishes into the dishwasher. if it is a long extended stay, post the chores. My mom has cancer right now, and so we have a lot of family in and out of her home and rules are stated and posted. If your sister is offended by that hopefully she will say something so you can gently say, I'm so glad you brought this up because I feel as though you don't care for me or my home when you... or when you don't... if she keeps it to herself she is offended odds are next time she won't stay at your home--still a win if the relationship is toxic. I absolutely understand wanting to repair and keep that relationship as much as you can. Family, they can drive us nuts, but they are family! :) my problems are generally with my in-laws because their family dynamics are so different from mine...anyway--the 4 year old is old enough to help out with her own stuff, pick up her own messes and put dishes in the dishwasher and she will probably enjoy doing it if you are "excited" about what a big girl she is and make a big deal out of that. I know my 4 year old responds great to my sister who runs my mom's house right now because she always says yay! you are one of the older kids now! lets get your dishes in the sink. (no dishwasher there) my dd wants to wash her own even so I help her or one of the other aunts or uncles will.
on the food, I wouldn't email about the special request list--just when she gets there have it printed out and say lets run to the grocery store. If she says something about you not getting the stuff already, say I thought it would be fun to shop together, and this way we don't have to worry about reimbursing each other. its a clear statement without saying you don't pay me--if she comments on being too tired or something say oh, well thats okay we can go tomorrow.
If she says I don't have money for that, say, neither do I, I guess we'll be having fun getting creative with budget cutting as we shop!
Do what you are willing to do but not what you aren't. I've found when I grit my teeth and bear it, the relationships don't get better I get more and more resentful and the strain deepens. I have to set boundaries for myself since there are some family members who either can't or won't. Its taken me years to get to the point I'm at with it and I still struggle when its the in-laws as I said, lol. Its fun to have family come into town but if you are dreading it not so much--looks like you already have the list of things you need to set the boundaries on--now you just get to get creative on the best ways to do that--a really good book if you have time is how to hug a porcupine I got good ideas on how to not let toxic people take charge of the relationship.
I hope it turns out well for you--hugs and hang in there...

I so understand how great it is to have the opportunity to mend your relationship with your sister. I am in a similar situation with my brother and totally get it. Unfortunately, I wouldn't say a word about their messy habits and rude request to supply a specific list of what the require in your frig. It just wouldn't be worth it. If you want this relationship to work then you just have to suck it up. Now here are a few things you can do to help the situation a bit.

- Tell her you did not get the chance to get the specific items she has requested and direct her to the store.
- Ask her to help with dishes so you two can chat
- When she or her kids make a mess hand her the towel to clean it up
- Tell her what you are planning for dinner and ask if she wants to join you in the preparation
- Remind her that you would like to keep food in the kitchen

Now don't be rude or crass about it, just formulate it in a way that sounds like you just want extra time with her.

Another easy thing to do is buy all frozen and pre-packaged dishes for the week, e.g., pan of lasagne, enchiladas, salad in a bag so you don't spend a lot of time cooking and get paper plates so you don't have to do dishes.

Good luck!

Good luck. Have you thought of giving her a list of your house rules, Before her family even comes? She gave you a list of food, and grocery items you need to let her know of your rules your house. Good luck If she don't like your rules ask if she would like to stay at a motel.

I haven't read all the responses but of those I've read, I'm going the other way completely. If you can try to put yourself in her shoes, that might help reduce your stress and be grateful for her visit.

Since your sister is renting a car, it sounds like they may be flying in to see you. Traveling with a family of 4 (one being an infant) is a HUGE hassle and expense. I think asking you to shop in advance for a few bulky or perishable items is completely reasonable. What a gift that she is coming to see you!

Asking her or her husband to help out with cooking or cleaning is also reasonable but realize that everyone may not clean to the standard you're used to and that's okay. Let it be less-than-perfect for a few days and do a good cleaning after everyone's gone.

Hosting any group is about being gracious and making people feel welcome in your home. If you're not up for that, perhaps you shouldn't have people over "constantly" and ask another family member to host dinners or get-togethers. It's fine to let others know it will be a lot of effort having company stay with you and that you'd like a break for a few hours.

I entertain all the time but also like my home neat and clean and things put where they belong. It's a regular push-pull for me...loving having people over but dreading the anxiety and clean-up before and afterward. I try to concentrate on having wonderful friends and/or family here and let go. Not always easy, but something I'm working on.

I hope you find pleasure in this visit and you and your sister's relationship continues to heal.

I didn't read the other response yet, but just reading your post I am outraged!! First of all who in the hell does she think you are sending you a list of special milk and diapers?? I realize that when any one of us has a guest in our home we try to do what we can to make our guest comfortable however that does not make you or your home a doormat if you have rules then as a guest she needs to follow those and they do need to clean up after themselves and offer to help if they do not do these things then they can go stay at a hotel that has room service and a maid!!!! Your home is not the PLAZA hotel!!! UGH the nerve of some people you need to put your foot down, sister or not, if she really loved and respected you and your home she would not act like this!!

I think a lot of your advice has been pretty harsh so far. I agree with sending her an email about taking her to the grocery store once she gets to your house or even when she arrives just saying something like..."gosh, I've been so busy I didn't have time to get the stuff you wanted. How about we go to the store together and you can pick up what you need for the kids?"

As far as the mess thing / helping out is concerned, lots of people think that if they are a guest, they don't have to help out (does she do everything when you go to her house?). If you want some help, just ask. If you are finished with dinner, how about just making a general announcement, "Hey, I could use an extra pair of hands in the kitchen. Who wants to help? Sis??"

If the living room is dirty at the end of the night...leave it alone. After breakfast the next day, ask the group to help out in the same indirect way... "Wow, we sure made a mess yesterday! Can you guys give me a few minutes to help pick up the living room? Thanks!"

If she doesn't pick up on hints and doesn't respond if you directly ask for help in the kitchen, don't let yourself get frustrated or upset. It's her issue.

I would rather have a messy house and be overworked doing everything myself than miss out on quality time with friends and family. You may need to vent to your husband at night or have an extra glass of wine, but do your best to keep in mind why you want them to visit. Hope that helps!

Wow, I"m in shock and amazement. but here is my advice:
She needs to buy her own "extras" for your house. If they are renting a car, and traveling with a diapered baby/toddler, she would already have at least 3-4 diapers in her possession (any diaper bag has this!) That would leave her enough time to get to a store, and pick both diapers and special Milk up. Provide a special Shelf/half shelf for her to keep family stuff on during her visit.

Having a 4 year old and a 9 month old can be taxing on anyone BUT not an excuse to not help clean up. Maybe she could help you during the children's rest/naptime in the afternoons. I dont' think it's unreasonable to ask her for help with picking up, cleaning up after meals.

I agree with the other ladies: Plan a food menu, keep it super simple for meals...and you are NOT feeding the zoo of people that may parade in and out of your hosue during your sisters visit! Thats not your job.

Your sister is taking advantage of you, please put your foot down and say your not a hotel!

um. i realize this is late in responding, but i had to stop reading when i got to the list someone so nicely emailed you of groceries they expect you to go buy for them. i would never agree to do this again. my question is if this has happened before why would you have agreed this time? absolutely not. your family (no offense) sounds like a lot of lazy self absorbed butts! i am amazed you turned out as nice as you did! just get through this visit as best as you can (yes, continue to cut her slack if that's what it takes) and then just don't ever invite them again. do they cater to you like this when you visit? i bet not.

I didn't read thru all of the responses since there were 45 of them so I'll keep my response short. I just can't believe she would send you a list of things to buy at the store. You guys should go shopping together when she gets there and those are things she needs to buy. You're providing housing she can pitch in on her own kids needs. You should also do paper plates so you don't have to worry about dishes. And make it clear that the living room is not for eating. Take back your house!!

Well, mending a relationship does mean you need to let her walk on you. I know you said no snarky remarks, but I'm just speaking from what I'm hearing. There is no reason for you to have to buy with your own money "special foods". That is not your problem. I would tell her that you don't have alot of money and you would be more than willing to buy them as long as she can pay you back.When her kids are there, you need to be the one to tell them to go in the kitchen and eat. It's your house, and so kids need to listen to house rules from the owners. If your sister is handing them food while in the living room, you need to tell your sister and the kids that food for little kids are to only be eaten in the kitchen. You need to stand your ground or you're always going to feel nervous when they come to visit.

K., No snarky remark here. It is unreasonable for your sister and the rest of the family to expect you to foot the bill for "their" vacation. I would shoot her an email back and let her know the stores that carry whatever special stuff it is she needs for "her" kids. That being said I would also make out a master list for the visit times and send it around and ask all the different family members who wants to do the meal which nights. I would say .....I am planning on making a meal for the first night they are hear to welcome them after that thought I would let you all have a chance at it. So let me know which night you want to do. I know cooking and bringing is hard so if you would rather host it at a restaurant I can give you some local places to make us a reservation. And leave it at that. I had a friend who used to host a family christmas party. she spent buku bucks on food, gifts etc and each year there was a bunch of complaints. not enough this that and the other. as soon as someone else had to host it those complaints stopped. She is out of line. Kudo's to you for trying to mend this relationship.

How about - men cook, ladies clean up after, etc. for each meal? Ask her to lend a hand when you need it. If you see her hand out food in a room you don't allow, say, "Sorry, but we don't eat in here, please take that to the dining room." What time of the day are they arriving? Let them know that their list of items are available at X store, and here are the directions. Ask for her to make some shopping trips when you get low on items. There is hosting, and then there is being subservient. It sounds like you let her run all over you. Don't let it be a secret that money is a concern, and that she isn't helping you clean up. Ask her to pick up her children's X, or her towels, etc. It isn't rude to ask.

As far as the baby proofing. The first day or so, you will probably find things you miss (even in my house a child of a different age - or even the same age, may find something that wasn't necessary to babyproof for my child). Move them, secure them, etc. It should be fine. I always watch my child in any house, and that is your sister's responsibility too.

It's absolutely ridiculous that anyone would email you a shopping list of things for YOU to buy for them when they're staying with you! I wouldn't buy any of it, and when she gets there, ask her kindly what her plans for the day are, and if she needs to run to the store to get diapers or anything special her family needs that you don't have on hand.
Seriously, she expects you to buy diapers for her? Visiting family is not a mooch-fest!

We Daughters-in-law have had to take a few things into our own hands. For example, we instituted a gift exchange so we don't have to buy everyone Christmas gifts. We're visiting my inlaws right now, and I tried to institute something my mother started with her kids when they visit. Each child and their spouse is responsible for one dinner during their stay, or more than one depending on the length of their stay. That way my mom doesn't spend all her time cooking instead of enjoying the company. And it's quite fun for all of us. We usually make our "specialty" dish, and it's fun to try them. Even better, since we grew up together, eating the same types of food, we usually like what the other family whips up. We usually end up passing out recipes for everyone to take home. And it's fun to hear them praise your food when it's your turn to cook.

So I'd email everyone and forwarn them that they will be responsible for cooking one meal, if you think that would work in your situation. Oh, and usually, we go shopping for the special ingredients and pay for them ourselves, so that will help financially, too.

Maybe you could plan out things to do every day, and talk about them with everyone. Plan at least one morning for everyone to tidy up and vaccuum, mop, whatever, all together and for just an hour or so.

I hope your visit goes better this time!

You have every right to dread the messes because I feel that it is out of respect that your guests should help with preparing meals and clean up after themselves and their children and respect your house rules! I would be exhausted too after have to pick up after another family on top of taking care of your own household things.
It's great that the husband's are willing to try and get along, I hope that this goes well for you!
As far as your house not being baby proofed, hopefully after a day or two of getting used the a different house their baby won't be getting into as much.
Good Luck and let us all know how it goes!

Wow. I can't imagine having the *ahem* to send you an email with requests like that! When we've visited family (and vice versa) usually the 'home team' will make an extra trip for extra pop, snacks, whatever. BUT DH & I *always* made time for a trip to Target/WalMart/grocery store in the area the day we got there to find anything we needed. Sounds to me like your sister needs a reality check. She should not be putting that kind of financial burden on you - and I think you need to tell her that (in a nice way, of course!).
As for other family being there... well, seems like there should be lots of potluck dinners! :) As for clean up, maybe hand your sister a dish towel and say 'Gee, I guess you didn't remember that we don't eat in the family room but here's a rag to clean up the cracker messes. Thanks.'.
At least it should make an impression!
Good luck!

I was in a similar situation. I handled the situation by talking/coaching the 4 year old when they arrived. I told them our "house rules" about eating only in the kitchen and that we all clean up at the end of the day. When her mom tried to give her food in the living room, the 4 year old took it straight to the kitchen, saying that she was following the rules. It worked really well.

I also agree with the person who thought you should do lots of pizzas and easy food; don't stress yourself out and get through it the best you can. You can breathe easy later!
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It's not easy to do but when they get there set some rules that you and your husband can live with. Let them know food/drink in the kitchen. You will need to be consistent with everyone so try not to make it to hard. You and your husband need to figure out the rules before hand. If her kids get into everything ask them to bring baby gates to keep them in certain areas and out of places you don't want them. Also ask her/them for your help. Make easy dishes as Jenny posted below but ask for help. Let her know cooking and cleaning for 7 isn't easy and you're not going to do it by yourself. Let them know in advance that not every meal will be at home unless someone wants to buy/pick up dinner. Food for an extended period of time for them plus drop ins is to much. Let her know you can get some things but you'll need paid when they get their. They would be paying for it at their house, they should pay for it at your house.

I'm sorry but diapers!! Come on! I absolutely would not buy their diapers, unless they agree to pay you back. They should bring those with them. Before they leave ask them to bring the sheets/towels to the laundry. I even got my sister to put them in wash. My husband was pleasanlty surprised.

If you see them ignoring the ground rules, bring it up and ask your sister, brother in law to step in and redirect their kids. Its a bit of a pain but let them all know too that its so everyone can have a good time and by everyone pitching in it is easier on you. Good luck.

There is an old saying, something like 'after three days, fish and company both stink". I'd go so far as to say two days! I am good with one day, after that, I'm spent. I always try to keep my visits to other people's homes the same. One day/night, and then i'm gone the next afternoon.
This is going to sound terrible, but I don't buy hidaway sofa beds, extra pillows, and the like, just for that reason. And then when people say they want to come visit, I am free on that first and second day, but have things booked on the others.
If she doesn't 'offer 'to help, ask her if she can help "wash carrots" or whatever. If she needs a special milk, say, oh gosh, I'm sorry, I didn't get around to picking that up, I had so many other things to get prepared. the grocery store is right there on the corner if you want to run over" .

If you don't put your very best freind's own interest at heart (THAT WOULD BE - YOU) you won't be able to be a good hostess for them either. You will feel resentful and it will start to show. Stand up for yourself, chickyboom, just do it respectfully. You will have less stress and you will win respect.

I feel some of your pain. My husband's siblings all gather at our house and I'm constantly stressed about what the kids are doing to the house.

I say, keep mending the relationship, but not at the expense of a future one. You don't want your relationship with your sister to be you always giving and her always taking. If you invited her, you provide meals and such as the host. She should offer to at least pitch in on groceries or say, "Hey, don't worry about us for dinner tonight. We're going to go out, just our little family," to give you a break. I have no idea how to get her to abide by the rules of common courtesy though...And if she invited herself, she needs to do more than pitch in on groceries. She needs to cover the cost and prep/clean up as much as possible.

And please, don't go out and buy her list of special things. She's really stepped over the line there. No one else is responsible for diapering her children except her and her husband. Don't spring it on her when she's there that you don't have those items. Email or call her now and say, "I really can't buy diapers for your kids. If you don't want to have to pack them, we can go out together when you get here, just the two of us so we can have time to ourselves, and you can buy what you will need while you're here. Or I can go before you get here, but I'll have to be reimbursed." Set clear expectations BEFORE she comes. Many fights and bad feelings will be avoided this way.

Good luck!