This topic has been very heavily on my mind this week. I have spent the last two days working as part of a crisis team following the suicide of a teen at one of our high schools. By all accounts, she was a high achiever and the school community has been rocked.
The adults (teachers, administration, coaches, etc) were shocked. She was a Junior and a star soccer player, top of her class academically, a peer counselor and active volunteer. Beautiful girl with a very bright future. The students, however, were not shocked. As the days wore on, a very different picture of this girl became apparent. All of the "signs" of suicidal ideation were there, including several failed attempts. Her parents knew, but didn't tell anyone at school. Her friends knew. They knew the boyfriend (already graduated) was abusive; they knew that she was being accused of cheating on the ACT; they knew that her mood fluctuated week-to-week; they knew that her grades were slipping; they knew that she wasn't sleeping. Not one student came to an adult, not ONE.
So here are my questions:
1. Do your children (if they are old enough) get ANY education in mental health in school? Are they told explicitly WHO to contact if they know that someone is not OK?
2. Do you talk about mental health issues with your children as things come up in their lives?
3. If the school sent home a letter following the above described incident letting you know that they were going to do an educational program on the signs of depression and suicide in teens for the MS and HS students, would you be upset by it?
I'll just leave you with these thoughts b/c I'm really beside myself (still) today...
Make sure that your children not only know that you love them, but that there is virtually nothing they could do to change that. Teach them to work hard, but accept their imperfections. Show them that imperfections are what make us interesting. Let them fail once in a while because there is always something to be learned from a failed endeavor and failing does not make them a failure.
Thank you for your thoughts. For what it's worth, I do not blame anyone except the person who chose to take her life. I have had students come to me many times when they" know" something but are not sure what to do... but this school does not send that message. I don't work there so I am looking from the outside in and hoping that the principal allows some education in the future.
My friends son attempted suicide. Barely lived. Will never be the same again. She is a huge advocate for suicide prevention. You can read their story here:
http://projectjuju.com/about/
1. Not that I'm aware of. But they know that they can come to us with anything, good or bad. And they do.
2. Yes. But we are a pretty unique family in that my husband works in behavioral health and has his Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy. And I am a US Army Combat Medic with education in Applied Suicide Intervention. We tend to talk about behavioral health, Bowen systems theory, and how our lives are affected internally by external stimuli at the dinner table.
3. I would not be upset at all. I would ask for a copy of the curriculum so my husband and I could be aware and follow on at home with thoughtful discussion.
We just had an interesting conversation about how teaching ALL kids about resiliency should be required at every school. Your post makes me feel even more certain that kids need this badly.
Thank you for posting this, and so sorry to hear about what happened to this girl and what your community is dealing with. So senseless and so sad. To answer your questions:
1 - yes in 8th grade their health curriculum covers a lot, including mental health issues and who to talk to. They middle school and high school also have several enrichment programs (guest speakers, etc.) over the years that touch upon this.
2. yes. We are probably a little different from most families though because my husband has been in and out of therapy since he was a teenager for a variety of reasons and the older kids (our teens) know that he has a mood disorder. They know that counseling, behavior modification, healthy diet, exercise and medication can help people feel better.
My oldest was a very challenging little boy and has ADHD so our first experience with a mental health professional was when he was 3 and he's seen various people over the years for diagnosis and treatment. When my step-daugther came to live with us a few years ago she was coming out of a violent home so we had her in counseling where she learned that she had PTSD and learned how to process, cope with and move forward from that. We have done individual therapy, couples therapy and family therapy at various points and we are all very open about it. My SD recommends counseling to friends who are struggling with issues all the time and is a huge advocate to her peers for the benefits of talking to someone to help deal with things and move on. She talks openly about the risks of burying negative experiences and how keeping things inside manifests in destructive behaviors and how much better life is when you deal with you problems. It's pretty awesome to witness this when two years ago, she wouldn't talk about anything, wouldn't admit that there were any problems and woundn't express any emotions.
3. Absolutely not! I think that following an incident like this, this kind of step is very much needed and can give the students a way to feel like they're doing something to help themselves and each other.
I'm curious if she was on any pschiatric meds . . . I understand that you may not know that info.
I would not mind general information going out but I probably would not allow my teen to participate in any screenings at school due to privacy concerns.
I agree that teens need unconditional love. I think one of the worst things that comes out of our current traditional school structure is hyper-competitiveness amongst the students AND the parents. Either that or nobody at home really cares.
How sad - I'm sorry to read your post.
Thank you for being a part of the crisis team. I teach high school, and I've gone to three funerals through the years for my own previous students who have committed suicide. It's a horrible tragedy every time.
I have two sons (9 and 15), and I would not be upset at all by a letter like you describe being sent home. We talk about these issues in our home. My youngest son is extremely high achieving, and is very hard on himself, so I do worry about him. We spend a lot of time trying to help him understand that we do not expect perfection, and he shouldn't either. He is so hard on himself. I think we've finally convinced him that we love him no matter how he does in school, but he's still so hard on himself. It's a real concern. We've told him so many times that we learn from our mistakes, and I point out when I make mistakes, too. It's an ongoing lesson.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for the loss that you and your community have suffered.
Knowing what is going on in your child's life.
Knowing who your child's friends are.
It's sad that the parents didn't tell anyone. They should have.
Communication is key. In ANY relationship.
My kids are 26, 13 and 10. My 26 year old had issues with depression in college. She sought help.
My 13 and 10 year old are constantly being talked to at school about depression, bullying - who to tell - where to go...
Unfortunately, from where I sit - this is something that could have been prevented. She had a previous attempt. Either the parents were in denial or thought it was some dirty little secret. The friends who knew she had an abusive boyfriend but didn't speak up? URGH. It's like NIMBY - Not in My Backyard. I can see it happen - but don't do anything - don't get involved. Sorry - if someone has attempted suicide - they need help. If you are qualified - then you tell someone who can help them.
I am truly sorry for the loss your community suffered. I pray that this will become a learning experience and people will be aware and awake - and get anyone the help they need!
Prevention. Know what is going on in your child's life. Communication is big. Know the signs. I think there should be a program for adults, not the kids. Always follow your gut feeling. If you think something g is wrong, it probably is. Had these parents not buried their heads in the sand, you may not have had to bring up this terrible subject. Should a student have said something? In a perfect world yes. However, they are loyal creatures to their friends. The parent is the one responsible. Why didn't you ask why the parent did not do anything. Why blame a student. Not fair really..
I was obese as a kid. I was bullied over and over. Nobody did anything.
I was a very quiet kid. I talk to my kids about the bullying I tried to "deal" with on a daily basis. I have told them what depression is and how a person w/ it goes about to get help.
I am not surprised at all that her friends knew about it. It is sad that her parents were not in tune w/ it !
I think more should be done in schools !!! And, parenting classes should be mandatory every few yrs !!!
I have a 9 year old with depression so this is a huge worry for me. A letter sent home would not bother me at all. I have him on meds and he is in therapy but it's not going well as we have gone through 2 therapists now. The first one over 2 years I accidentally missed 2 and called in sick to one of our scheduled appts. Due to this he dropped us. Our 2nd I forgot about our 3rd appt but called right away afterwards to apologize and reschedule. She never called us back. So I am back to the drawing board. I have a calendar in my phone, one on my wall and I write things on my hands I am just so busy that sometimes I just fugeup and therapists have no time for my flightiness. I wish I had some ideas what to talk about with him that he will listen too. He mostly tunes me out or does not believe what I say.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and despite the preventative measures that we now have in place across this country, that's still true, and we're still not doing enough. Everyone thinks it won't happen to the people they love. I don't know what the solution is, but I know we haven't found a good one yet.
i read this and i wonder what a stranger could do that her parents that supposedly loved her couldn't do. do you know what i mean?
I just feel sometimes that we have this idea that the "experts" need to handle stuff, but what can they really do?
I will however put this on my list of stuff to talk to my kids about in addition to how great it is to be so drunk that you have to pee in public.
I liked your post very much. Sad topic but a real topic we all should be aware of. Thanks for sharing.
