Suicide

I had experience with this happening when I was in school. A close friend committed suicide while some of her closest friends were sleeping over at house. It was so hard to deal with. There were counselors available at school and my parents offered to send me to a private counselor if I needed it. I didn't have to go to the private counselor, mainly because I did not want to. All of her friends were there to support each other through it all. It is a difficult thing to understand, there are so many questions that you son is probably asking himself. Just be there for him, let him know that any time he needs to talk about it you will be there for him. Don't force him to talk about it. In time, he will come to you. However, just watch for signs in him that tell you he is not handling it well.

As I stated, it is a difficult thing to deal with as a teenager, because there are so many questions that are unanswered.

I hope he will be okay!

Dear D.,
First of all, I am so sorry about the death of your friend's son. Not many things in life could be worse than the loss of a child. Two days ago, I went to a presentation by a chaplain who works on-call for Ramsey Co., MN.; he often notifies families of the deaths of loved ones, etc. (He also serves as a pastor and taught at a seminary.) In a nutshell, here was his advice for lay people who would like to respond appropriately to a grieving family: LISTEN to their story. You can ask them to 'Tell me your story so I can understand better what you've experienced.' The act of BEING THERE physically for a friend is important; silence is O.K. You can also offer assistance, such as 'I am so sorry you've had to go through this. Is there something I can do of a practical nature now/tomorrow?' In your friend's case, I would assume that many of the young man's friends may be visiting his family and a gift of food/snacks/beverages may be appreciated. The last tidbit of advice he gave on speaking with others in tragic situations was to remember that SUPPORTIVE CONVERSATION is different than social conversation, where we share our own ideas/who we are and have our own agendas. It is more listening/caring and less advice-giving or trite comments.
Personally, I sometimes send cards/notes to parents who have lost children near the anniversary of their death. It is an uncomfortable topic, but you can bet that the parent haven't forgotten their child and I think that they appreciate it when others remember their child, as well. Ignoring a situation or pretending the child never existed can't be the best approach. I'll bet that a lot of moms, after reading your query, will give their own children an extra hug.
P.S. I'll bet your friend would enjoy a hug from your son, as well.

I am so sorry you are all facing this tragedy. There have been many great posts on this thread so far, and I won't repeat a lot of what they have said. But one additional thought I had was perhaps you could set up a meal schedule for this family. As a parent who has experienced the death of a child, I can tell you that sometimes the everyday chores and responsibilities of life become extraordinarily difficult after experiencing great loss. Grief can be so debilitating; so exhausting-- the idea of still having to do the laundry or make dinner can be overwhelming. Yet those things aren't going to magically take care of themselves. It would be extrememly helpful if you were to take the initiative and contact several different families who are close to this greiving family, set up a meal schedule, and take turns bringing them a dinner each night or every other night for a week or two. Offer to pay for a cleaning service to come in. Offer to do a few loads of laundry. Lending a listening ear and offering words of sympathy are helpful, but sometimes the practical things can be what they need the most.

My sister just went through this a couple of weeks ago only it was an older person (21). the son of her best friend. It is a hard time and one that each person will deal with differently. There is no right or wrong way to deal. The best advice I can give you is the advice I gave my sister. JUST BE THERE. If they want to cry let them, mad, let them vent, how ever they want to deal with it. Just make sure they do deal with it. As for your son, same thing. Death is hard enough but with suicide it is harder because everyone thinks they should of noticed something wrong. They tend to blame themselves. Don't let your son blame him self. Just remind him that some people can't see the light at the end of the tunnel for their problems and that they feel it's the only way to handle it. Remind him that you'll all ways be there no matter what to help him. I had to do this with my 11yr old because he knew the young man through my sister. Just be the good mother you are and trust in God and you'll get through this too.

Here is some resources from my friend who lost her 20 yr old son last year to suicide...she also has books and other info..she also said you or your friend can email her if needed. She also has an 18 yr old son who is my sons best friend and college dormmate...my email is ____@____.com...I am praying for all of you

MADISON
Group Name & Mailing Address:
Survivors of Suicide
Mental Health Center of Dane County
625 West Washington Avenue
Madison, WI 53703
Contact: Vicki Westrich ###-###-####
____@____.com
Meeting Place: Mental Health Center of Dane Co.
Meeting Day(s)/Meeting Time:
2nd and 4th Tuesday of every month at 7 p.m.

HOPES is also a good source. They are at www.hopes-wi.org. I am so sorry to hear about their loss. Is the child's school doing anything to help the students?

D.,
My situation is a bit different but I figured I'd still share and maybe help you get some ideas. We lost a baby (died in utero) last year and I had to be induced to have her. Losing a child is a pain I could've NEVER imagined before this happened. It is the worst thing someone can go through.. at least I think. What helped me is people bringing live plants (represented life to me), food, offering help to watch my daughter. I needed someone to talk to and listen to me. What bothered me is when people would say "It's going to be ok" instead of just saying, "I am so sorry for your loss". Also, I noticed many friends started calling me less, b/c they just didn't know how to relate and what to say. Please don't distance yourself b/c she will notice and it will hurt her. As for your child just be open and talk to him. Be there for both of them. I still talk to my 4 yr old about her sister and she'll forever be part of our lives. We also, released balloons "to heaven" although your son may be too old to want to do that. I saw someone said sending a card on an anniversary or even the child's birthday. When I got cards on the week I was due it meant a lot b/c as a mother there is not a DAY that you don't think about and miss your child. Hope this helps a little and I am sorry for your family and your friends. God bless your families.

Suicide has touched our family several times. It is hard to go through.
You need to be there for your friend. Just hug her often and let her cry or talk it out, with no advice, just "I'm so sorry" and "it is not your fault." But whatever you do, do not start avoiding her or giving her space.

My daughter just lost a good friend to suicide this month. It was TOUGH! They don't get it. Letting your son talk through his feelings is important, encouraging it, even. My daughter cried and cried for days on end, doing laundry, homework, at the store. She came through OK, but this is not her first time burying a friend. We've lost 7 teenagers in our community in the last couple of years.

So sorry to hear of your loss. Suicide is one of those thing that is uncomprehendingly difficult to understand. When I was 16 an older friend of mine committed suicide when everyone thought that she was so happy and everything in her life was perfect, and maybe everything was okay but she just got sad all of a sudden and did a very rash action. I still think about her and her decision to end it all. Around that same age I also lost a friend who was a year younger than I, she was hit by a car. It was an accident but it was still very hard to take. My parents did nothing except quietly take me to their wakes and my mom was full of platitudes and advise. But I had wished that they had just listened to me let me grieve. They wanted nothing of that, I got the message that it was final, finished. A few years later my mother-in-law died leaving a grieving 11 yr old. We took her in and raised her but I made sure that she had every opportunity to grieve and got her into therapy that she liked.

Make sure that you allow him time to grieve, however long that is. Find therapy that he is comfortable with; a pastor, support group or psychologist. But most importantly listen, that is best way to know how he is handling a very sad time in his life. I wish you both peace at this difficult hour.

D.,
Help this child into therapy. They aren't going to get all of their feelings out unless they feel safe and receive an open opinion. You don't want the child to hear a lot of things just being blurted out. Trust me, it will help him. For your adult friend, be there as much as you can and get her involved in support groups so she feels like she is not the only parent out there going through these things alone.
Hope this helps
C.

Hi D. - There is not much I can add to all these wonderful suggestions. Your son and your friend are in a unimaginable amount of pain. I have found what helped me the most were friends that continued to be themselves with me. They did not tip toe around me. Yet they were also compassionate. When I needed to talk, I talked, when I was tired of talking I didn't. They accepted my state of being at those moments. Because they knew or had the wisdom it would pass. I did not. I could not see that. And they knew it would take a long time. Your son and your friend will never "get over it" but they will learn how to accept & live with it eventually. And reach out for support for yourself also. I would like to add, that the thing to realize is Death is Death, it is a loss & the feelings of loss are the same regardless of the circumstances.

Many times people just need someone to be there, to listen, to cry with. There is no way that we can possible understand what the people in this situation are going through, so it's best not to say that "we understand". Offering premade frozen meals can be of great help. But your friend also needs to be watched to ensure she eats something and doesn't fall into a depression. Just sit with your friend. Distract her (when she's ready - don't let her shut herself off from the world, but make sure she has ample time to grieve).

As for your son, he needs to know what a tragedy this truly is... for his friend as well as his family. Suicide doesn't offer much hope, although we can never know what was in a persons heart just before death, it is not an answer to our problems, no matter how bad they get. Just be there for him and help talk it out.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's son. I am a survivor of 2 suicides in my family (a 16-year-old cousin when I was 6 and my older brother just 6 years ago). Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can say to take the shock and pain away for either your son or your friend. For your son, especially if it is his first experience with death, I would just sit down with him and talk to him about what happened and explain how his friend was not thinking clearly or behaving like himself. Make sure he understands that his friend's actions had nothing to do with their relationship as friends. Make sure he knows that he can always talk to you about how he is feeling and that if he is getting depressed, that seeing a professional is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. It is actually the smart and brave thing to do. For your friend, just be there for her. Visit her and listen to her talk. Make sure she knows that nothing is her fault. She will probably feel very guilty for a while (I know my whole family did, and probably still does a little), but try to reassure her that she was a great mother. I do not know if any of you are religious people, but if you are, it does help to remind each other that he is now in a better place where he has no more pain or sadness. I know none of this sounds like much, but from personal experience, this is what helped me. I am so sorry you all are having to go through this. No family should lose a person to suicide, especially one so young. God bless you all through this time.

I am so sorry to hear this. I would like to tell you that a similiar thing happend to me in 8th grade one of my best friend committed suicide. There was no warning signs and it was a total shock. My mother and I decided it would be best for me to seek counseling and to be able to talk about it with my family being open and honest about how I was feeling. It has been hard and still to this day I often think of my ffiends but the counseling did help and so did being able to talk about my friend and what happened. Encourge your son to talk to someone he feels comfotable with. I made a collage of pictures and kept it for awhile in memory of my friend. I wrote a journal of all the good times we had and some bad times it helps to remember the person and not what happened. I dont know if this will help but I really hope it does and god bless you!

Your son will also take comfort from some of the books that are out there about grief and loss. Grieving needs a place to go that understands it.

Go to the library and ask about books for grieving teens. Just having one around, he may pick it up and take it to his room to read.

There are lots of feelings around death, including guilt, anger, sadness and fear. Boys will have these (strange to them) feelings and feel like something is "wrong" with them. A good book about grieving will help him through them.

Just be there as a friend and see what she needs, like a sitter if she has more children:
a shoulder to lean on and or cry on:
a phone pal who just listens and takes cues from her and also be prepared for her to hate you being there words and do not take the to heart just sit the phone down and let her vent till she is ready to be silent then be silent with her and soon she will need your kind words also.
help her with her daily chores if needs it or not and only if she okays it,
be ready to not say things like I under stand(you nor her I bet does,)I bet he is in a better place etc.... most of us say this in kindness and for loss of words but unless you mean it do not say this please, she needs honesty and love.

Be a friend to your self first and get cousling from a suicide hot line and or other source on how you feel and how to know the signs if your child feels and is in danger/

Have someone with you talk to your child and say you love him/her and they can talk to say a aunt (no child wants to open up to a parnet)
And say they was not at fault and this is sad and maybe he/she can use this healing time by sharing his /her memories of good and funny times with the parents when they are ready so all can love and greif together.

My prayers are with you all.
D.

Definitely be there. Your son may want you to back off for a while, which is fine, but also make sure he knows that you are there for him unconditionally in any way, shape, or form that he needs.
Your friend may benefit from an organization (non-profit) called Compassionate Friends which is for families of children who have died. She may not be ready now, but it may really help her make sense of such an enormous loss.
My heartfelt sympathy and love goes out to you, your family, and all the people who loved this young man. Suicide is one of the most heart-breaking troubles of our society. Peace to you -

i am SO sorry for the loss. it is heartbreaking when a child gets so sad that they feel that is the only out :( i dont know what to say. i cant even imagine how you all are feeling... :(

i would say most of all just be there for your son. he may not want to talk about it, so just a simple "im here for you" might be enough. make sure that he has lots of rest, or opportunity for rest, maybe cut down on the extra events or activities you do, but dont feel like you have to stop your lives either, cuz some activity might help him move on.

i would think the same of your friend, just a simple, "im here for you whatever you need" maybe if she has other children you could offer to take them to the zoo or someplace while she takes a break at home. however, she might not want to be away from her other children, so dont force that..

i really dont know, and ive never experienced this. another important thing to remember is that this is no ones fault, no one could have done anything different, and no one should blame themselves; not your son, not your friend. if there is one available, find a counselor that could help - usually schools will have them available during times like these, but im not sure that every school does. there are no words that can describe how everyone is feeling, and there is nothing really that anyone can say to make it better. just support and encouragement, and a lot of love.

i pray your families will become stronger and the community will bond together during this time. let us know how things are going.

D.-

I just read your posting and I just had to write to you. I wanted to give you my deepest sympathy for you and your family as well as your friend and her family. I never wish this type of thing on anyone. I was 16 when my father commited suicide. I think what helped me the most is that people where there for me. I am not sure how to explain it to your son because you don't want him to take stuff the wrong way. I know that I have never met you or your family but if there is anything that I can do to help please let me know. I live in Hampton and I am sure that you are maybe some what close if you are writing on this mamasource page. My email address is ____@____.com Deepest Sympathy,

T.

OH Dear God. My sincere condolences. I can't even imagine how the mother feels. The only thing I can say is the best thing you can do is be there. Listen to your son. Tell him you love him. Hold him. Children at this age are struggling with their feelings as it is. Then to have a friend die and of suicide of all things can be a horrible thing to deal with and grasp.
As for your friend, be there for her too. Do small things to help her get through. Comfort food, pick up her kids at school, yard work, laundry. My friends Dad died a couple years ago and I cooridnated two weeks of meals for her family. She said that was great and really appreciated it.
:)

There are some REALLY great resources out there, books, videos, people, etc. Have your son go to the counselor RIGHT AWAY (either a school or private- I know you said you home school but the school counselor should be available to help). He may not want to go or feel he doesn't need to, but most likely the first emotion he will feel is disbelief, then anger. Talk to him about it.
As for you, just LISTEN. That is what the mom needs the most. Take over some comfort food (ice cream, cake) but don't be surprised if she doesn't eat it. Ask her what you can do, but don't be surprised if she doesn't know, she is probably overwhelmed herself and trying to sort out what happened. Try to get meals organized for the family through a church or other friends. Offer to make phone calls for her or pick up things she needs.
First and foremost, help everyone to see the boy in a positive light. Make a book or poster with all great memories of him and in a few weeks present it to the family (or even at the funeral).
When I was a school counselor and lost a junior in high school to suicide we all sent up balloons with notes. The students wrote their honest thoughts on the slips- some where angry and mad at the kid for what they felt was the easy way out- but after the balloons were released almost 95% of the kids said they once they let go of the balloon, they let go of the hurt. Find something like that in a few weeks for both you and your son to do. It is a good healer.
I pray for you and your family as well as the boys. This hurts bad and no ones first experience with death should be as hard as this, especially at 15. My thoughts are with you!

D., I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter lost a good friend in 2004, both of them were 18. Her group of friends needed to be together--they all congregated here at our home as well as in the front yard of the boy who died. They talked, cried, and prayed together (even though many of them were not usually prayful kids). They took on a project in his memory which also helped. His brother started a website where they could all leave personal messages. This was the best thing ever! Suicide makes it even more difficult; my daughter will still question if he knew how much she loved him, how much he meant to her. And... I know this sounds cliche, but time does heal. The daily thoughts of her friend have subsided, and she remembers him with laughter not tears. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are will all of you.

The first thought I had since this boy was your son's best friend is `does your son feel somehow responsible?' If the two were close enough that they often confided in each other, your son may be feeling that he somehow let his friend down by either not seeing the signs that led to his taking his life, or maybe he did know of his friend's personal demons that led to suicide, and your son may be experiencing feelings of guilt because he wasn't there to stop him.

I agree with the other poster, talking frankly but in a loving manner with your son about his thoughts and feelings is very important to do, and soon. Your role should be as supportive as possible. Allow him to open up as much as he can, and regardless of what he says, let him freely vent. I think it is really important for both you and him because of the complications that situations like this often present.

With surviving a suicide of a close friend, your son may be more psychologically vulnerable, than if this were an accidental/natural loss of a friend. Especially if your son does know and understand the circumstances that may have led to his friend taking his life.

I think it is important to find out in a non-confrontational way if your son feels he was somehow invovled and if he also may be contemplating doing the same as his friend. This is a very sobering thought. And, I'm not an expert in these matters, but I have read that often with suicides among the young, sometimes the young will do the same to cope with their own problems, rather than seek help for themselves if they lose a friend to suicide.

It sounds like your family is very close. If all of your sons knew this boy and his family, it might be nice to get as many of your son's older brothers back together to be with him and share the good times and memories of this friend.

Most importantly, they along with you and your husband could be a good support system for him, and help guide him as he begins the healing process after losing his friend. Don't hesitate to invite friends or others over too. Talking will be the best medicine, and the only way for you to gauge whether your son should seek more serious counseling.

If your faith is important to you, I would for sure make an appointment with your pastor/rabbi for "grief counseling". Particularly if the deceased comes from a like-wise religously strong household. Often, rationalizing suicides can be difficult when religion/spirituality was/is an important part of both the deceased and survivor's lives. A good pastor/rabbi will be able to help your son sort out feelings and concerns, and give both you and your son good resources that you may be able to share with the deceased's family as well.

Last, but not least, the other poster's recommendations of providing support to the deceased's family is a wonderful idea, and will possibly provide a good carthesis for your son. However, I'd recommend that both you and your son refrain from sharing any serious concerns or private knowledge leading to the suicide until long after the deceased's mother/family have gotten counseling themselves and seem to be on better footing. And I'd only do it in the presence and guidance of a professional counselor or pastor. They could (counselor/pastor) also help you find the right approach to sharing this information in the most sensitive way possible.

I'd suspect, many of the same questions your I suggested your son may have, may be the same for the parents of the boy, but intensified. Especially if there was any strife between them about school, family issues, or other unknown issues. Just be careful, because the parents will be supersensitive for a very long time about their son's death. They may even become reclusive and non-communicative due to guilt or other related feelings. Just read the signs and make it known that you will make yourself available as need be.

Your son and his friend's family will be in my thoughts and prayers.