Strong Willed Child - Summerville,SC

I am an Army spouse. When hanging out with other army wives you quickly learn that they tend to be creative with their punishments for their strong-willed kids. Such as push ups, flutter kicks, preachers chairs, all sorts of exercises that make them strong physically in the end. Its pretty effective too. No kid likes to do push-ups in a public place.

That and no candy or junk food to go with it.

I have one of those as well...maybe two. One is thirteen and one is only two...but well on the way to being just like his eldest brother.

I like a kind of parenting called "Love and Logic". I should be their spokesman...they are my answer for all parenting questions. The authors are Cline and Fay (last names) look on Amazon...there are many books, geared toward different ages. One of them has raised many foster teenagers with this way of parenting...IT WORKS!!! What I like is that is makes for kids who are strong and confident and it works for EVERY kid--strong willed or not. I have four kids, each with a different kind of personality. This WORKS for all of them.

Traditionally, we turn them lose and do not teach them how to make decisions from the very beginning of their little lives, when we have the MOST control; and then we try and 'crack down' on them when they are able to drive and have jobs and lives outside of our sphere---and that will not work. Teach the child to make good decisions and you have mastered parenting.....

I re-read it often--because it is counter-intuitive for me. The way I was raised mom told us what to do and dad enforced. In this theory, you just love your children--and life experiences--no matter how harsh--do the teaching. EI: "Yes, mom is sorry you are cold. You should have brought your jacket when mom asked you. I love you."

FOR EXAMPLE: If I ask my three year old if he wants a coat and he does not take it...neither do I. (I am not a helicopter parent) if the child gets cold, the next time he goes out, he will remember himself. This is easiest to implement when they are young and the consequences of poor decision making are relatively minor.

Hi. I also have a child who is strong willed. She is now 7. She is very independent, speaks her minds and thinks that she can do whatever and say whatever she wants. NOT. I feel your pain. I am exhausted. We have learned to not give in. Keeping her on a regular schedule daily helps alot. Discipline is number 1. When she steps out of line, she is grounded. We started that when she was 4. She makes up for ALL of the kids in the world! I had 2 boys before her and NEVER had the trouble that we have now. Keep him under your thumb. At the same time, always, always tell him that you love him.

Look for the book: The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have Arrived. Not for the woo-factor, but more for the how to work will children that are deemed to be "strong-willed".

Also read up on Alfie Kohn on Discipline:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/edweek/discipline.htm
and http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/ditpnts.htm

One of my favorite points:
"Children learn to make good choices by having the chance to choose, not by following directions."

Another:
"All of these "doing to" strategies are about demanding obedience, not about helping kids think their way through a problem -- or pondering why what's happening might even be a problem in the first place. As a result, the need for discipline and control never ends."

Whether in the classroom or the home his perspective is relevant. The only thing without choices in my home revolve around safety issues, ie-carseats, knives, etc. Although if she does come into possession of a knife out of the dishwasher or off the counter, I make it a point not to freak out and we discuss the danger of the sharp blade, etc.

If my two year old (Whose favorite line is "I can do it, I can do it.") wants to pour her own oatmeal, fine. She also knows where the broom is to sweep up her mess if she misses.

I guess my point is, is that traditional parenting practices don't work for all kids. You have to find what works for your family. The best parenting advice ever given to me was "Lower your expectations." You might try sitting down with him and explain what kind of behavior you expect and have him work with you on what his consequences should be therefore giving him some investment in the process. Good luck.

Hi L.,
I know some kids are much harder because they are more independant ("stong willed") than others. However, all of our personalities are dramatized by how our bodies feel. Some of us get more extraverted ("wild or defiant" would be used on children), some of us revert a little to accomodate (overly shy or withdrawn in children). With my chidlren, especially my daughter, I have found food to be a real source of help to her. I have to rotate her foods (especially her juices and milks) and she is so much easier and cooperative if keep her diet clean of any artificial colors - escpecially red dyes.
You may not be open to looking in this direction, but with only two kids, one at 4 years old, should not be exhausting you to this point unless he is experiencing something that is causing him to react. The immune system is a major player. If you want to make your life easier, read the science on the Feingold diet, the GFCF diet (much harder) and yeast overgrowths.

One behavioral technique I love is "Scream Free parenting", and I highly recommend it because it will change how you look at your reaction and will quit taking all your energy in the process.
Best of luck to you, J.

I have 11 and several are strong willed and if you give an inch they take a mile. Things should eventually get some better with your consistancy! A resource I have found quite encouraging is nogreaterjoy.org. Even with all my experience I still need encouragement and some days it is just so hard to stay on top of it! I hope there might be something from this site that will be a blessing to you!

Sincerely,
K.

Oh boy, you are singing my song a few years ago! It was exhausting! My son is now 11 yo but when he was 4 it was a wicked time for us. In retrospect I can 100% say in our son's case it had to deal w/ maturity. He was immature and was constantly looking for attention - even if it was negative attention. He was disruptive, impulsive and stubborn. While in preschool & pre-k we were getting the ADD or ADHD talk. Never pursued testing (too expensive and a lot of docs said he was too young to test) and by the time he started kdg it just all came together.

Fast forward 7 yrs. He is a leader in school, TAG student, plays on the all star team for sports, learning trombone (heaven help us all!?!?) and is in scouts. He is a kid with a lot of confidence and we couldn't be more proud! All this to say it DOES get better.

At the time I found 2 books exceptionally helpful - "1-2-3 Magic" and "Raising Your Spirited Child". Good luck!!!

Mine too is strong willed, I actually got a book on it at Amazon for real cheap called "How to discipline the strong willed child." It had some good stuff in there, some thats pretty obvious. The 1-2-3 Counting method has also helped me...Cheap books on Amazon! :)
Also, less TV/ no TV has helped with the attention for mine. She gets more attention from me and helps me have more patience too... But she still does struggle with listening.

I will throw my hat into the ring.... When you have a willful child, and I have a doosie, you have to change how you do things, so that you are not the one starting arguments by working within the needs of the child. So more asking questions.. "would you like A or B today?" Child says, " C " and you say something like, "I know you would like C to be a choice today, but today's choices are A or B. Tomorrow, C might be a choice but not right now. Which would you prefer, A or B?" This way you are not arguing but are still setting healthy limits. I am a huge fan of Parenting with Love & Logic by Jim Fay & Foster Cline. I think it provides a good healthy framework for working with all kinds of kids. Hey, strong willed kids are powerful adults. Mine turned out great (and has her own strong willed child) Muhahahahahah