Stranger Danger--How Do You Approach the Topic?

One of them knew the man! He was friends with her parents. It's important not to teach just about strangers. A local woman uses the term "tricky people" instead. She has lots of good info at her website www.pomwa.org (or www.pomwa.com maybe?)

Forget about stranger danger. Statistically if something were to happen it would be with someone she knows. Like in Ohio - it was someone who KNEW the family of the first girl that took her.

Trust her gut, pay attention to her surroundings, have the courage to say no, have the confidence to tell her parents ANYTHING. THAT is much more useful, because police are strangers, shopkeepers are strangers, etc. Molesters are family members, neighbors, friends, etc.

I have to say I didn't, don't and won't spend lots of time specifically talking about this topic. I would say I spent the same amount of time teaching her what to do in case of an earthquake - we live in the midwest.

Strangers absolutely can kidnap your kids..... and it happends in about, I don't know, 12% of the time. So, yes. spend some time on that. But mostly it's your family, or your boyfriend, or your best friends son. The likelihood of being kidnapped by someone you don't know is slim. So, no need to get them worried or focused on that.

What I DID do was teach her that her instincts were good. I didn't make her eat only when I said.... I didn't make her hug or talk to family members when she didn't want to... I didn't hover over her and dictate what she should do or how she should interact with people. I let HER have a say in what SHE did. This teaches your kids to listen to themselves. To understand that they have a voice and a say. I taught her that her body was her own. To never give up.

And it wasn't just one conversation. It started when she was little. It was how she was raised. I find there's no need to have conversations about some "specific" things, because I've taught her the overall lesson... so she can apply it in ANY situation.

There is a video made by Julie Clark (Baby Einstein) and John Walsh (America's Most Wanted) called Safe Side Super Chick, and it's a half hour movie about a bumbling, very funny "superhero" girl who talks about how to protect yourself against "Don't knows" and "Kinda Knows" (like the soccer coach you kinda know, but not well enough to go somewhere private), and how to know who your safe side adults are. It's a really entertaining video and makes it as "unscary" as they possibly can. We borrowed it from the library, but liked it so well be bought it. My kids thought it was funny and enjoyed watching it and we showed it to our girl scout troop, too. I haven't looked in a few years, but the website had activities, too, if I remember.

Just a quick search shows they now have a facebook page, a second video (which I haven't seen) and the video is available to rent or own online.

I taught my daughter that MOST people are good, but that there are a few who, for whatever reason, want to hurt other people, and that some especially like to hurt kids. I wanted her cautious and aware, but not paranoid.
So I told her that, just to be on the safe side, she should never get in the car wtith someone, never accept food or drink from a stranger, and if she ever had the misforutne to be grabbed, to fight and fight dirty. And I taught her how to fight dirty. My ex decided to "test" her once by coming up behind her when she was doing her homework and put his hand over her mouth, and she bit the living hell out of him.

I've read with my daughter (age 5) the Berenstein Bears "Trouble with Strangers" book and she knows that you never go anywhere or get in a car with someone you don't know. The book talks about "bad apples" and while most nice people are just nice people, sometimes someone can look and act really nice, but not be so nice inside. I also have explained to her that you should only get a ride with someone you know if you know already that they are supposed to be picking you up. That's important, since once in a while I've had to have a friend pick her up from school or day care and I make sure she knows as well as the school ahead of time. AND she understands that people like police officers might be technically "strangers" since she doesn't know them, but they are "good guys" and are there to help.

Where she takes gymnastics recently hosted a personal safety seminar for kids ages 5 to 12 - they taught them things like why we don't go with people we don't know, how they sometimes can trick us, and even some basic moves on how to get out of someone's grip if they have you by the arm or hand. They also told the kids that if someone was trying to grab them or take them somewhere, to scream really loud, "YOU ARE NOT MY MOM/DAD!" over and over until they got someone's attention.

I've also had many talks with DD about what is "private" on her body, and how nobody is allowed to see or touch those areas, except for me or Dad in the process of washing or wiping her up, or a doctor if we are there.

I think as kids get older, and turn into tweens and teens, the talks have to change a bit - discussing Internet/computer safety and trying to get them to understand that not everyone in cyberspace is who they say they are. I have not heard how exactly those abductions took place, but I know it's all too easy for someone to portray themselves as a teenage boy, show some romantic interest and want to meet them somewhere - and then boom, they're in trouble.

I recently heard about this website. http://safelyeverafter.com/

I've only glanced at it, but it looks good so far. Check out the Prevention Tips sections.

This is something I talk about in small ways often. I make sure they all know our address and phone number. We never go anywhere alone. We always pay attention to our surroundings. Even the 4 year old knows that if a stranger approached her she should yell your not my mommy/daddy and run.
Our older children receive seminars at school. The school sends home info on how stanger danger info alone is not enough with recommendations such as the ones below, but also for cyber safety. It's helpful-because my older kids will then try to teach my younger and the neighborhood kids.

For me, it's been an ongoing life long lesson, like looking both ways before crossing the street, or washing your hands after using the bathroom.
Rather than having "a talk" I have just always incorporated it into my never ending mommy mantra of what we do and don't do.
Don't go with an adult you don't know.
If someone tries to grab you, kick, fight and scream as loud as you can.
Adults should never ask children for help (like to find a puppy) and don't ever take anything from a stranger without MY permission.
My kids have been hearing these things since before they can remember.
I have always kept it very matter of fact.
I have never gotten into details or tried to scare them.
If they asked why or had questions I kept the answers short and to the point.
And I can tell you I have gotten even MORE vigilant as my daughter has gotten older. When your kids start driving, working and being on their own more there is even more to worry about!
Park as close to the entrance as you can.
Always look in the backseat of your car before you get in.
Be aware of your surroundings at all times.
Never take a drink that you didn't see poured yourself.
It never ends. I will always teach, and worry, but I will let them go :-(

Set up a password with your daughter. Use a word she won't forget, for my kids the word was popcorn. If something unforseen happened and I or someone they knew well such as my parents or their dad had to pick them up the person had to know the password or they were not to get into the car.

The main thing is you have to explain in detail just who and what a stranger is and to a child this is the most difficult part. The person who bags your grocries at the store may be nice but he/she is a stranger. The nice old man at the park who says hi to you is a stranger. Even a neighbor who you rarely talk to or just moved in is a stranger.

The most important thing to remember is a background check is not a lot of help. Most serial killers and pedophiles would have passed a background check until they were arrested. Even they are a suspect, until charges are filed there is often no record of any suspicions.

There is a great DVD out there called "The Safe Side". It makes it fun for kids to learn about all of that. Julie Clark from Baby Einstein and John Walsh from America's Most Wanted teamed up to create this. It has been around for a while so it should be at your library. You can also buy it on Amazon. It is definitely geared for kids age 5 to 15. Check it out!

It is time for another talk about that stuff in our house. We live in a super safe place and my kids are 10 &14, it's been a while since we've had that conversation.

I think when they are older it's OK to "scare" them a bit. With age there often comes comes the idea of invincibility and a false sense of security. A regular reminder that there are creeps in the world and how to protect yourself from them is always a good idea, especially with young women.

When my kids were little I would touch on the subject a little at a time; never had real long conversations because I knew first, it was too much for them to take in all at one time and second, if I was on the subject too long, I knew it would just scare them more than necessary.

I always told my kids to NEVER go with anyone - whether we knew them or not - unless I specifically told my child that so-and-so would be ok to go with, etc. The ONLY people they were permitted to go with without question were my parents.

Additionally, when they were little, I would stress to them that whatever anyone offered; i.e., candy, money, puppy, etc., that they were to run and scream and that I would give them DOUBLE or even TRIPLE whatever they were offered just so they wouldn't even think of taking anything from a stranger!!

Even though my kids are in high school now, I still, every once in awhile, mention the fact that they shouldn't go with anyone they don't know. I've heard of girls being at the mall and getting rides with people they don't know - just because they claim to be a friend of a friend or something, they should still say NO!!

Also, anytime my kids would have to walk somewhere, they were instructed to walk with an attitude! Don't go real slow and/or act like you've got all the time in the world. They were to go straight where they were supposed to go while also looking around and making sure no one was following them, etc.

Even as an adult, I feel like we can never totally let our defenses down and that's what I hope my children have learned without being too paranoid!! It's a crazy world out there!!

I gotta second , safe side super chick !

http://www.thesafeside.com/

my son is 5 and my daughter is 3 its a topic we speak about often. recently an incodent happened in our city with a jr high boy. a man called out his name told him his mom died and he was supppose to pick him up. the boy got in and realized mins later that this man didnt know his mom. got out and ran back to school. details reveiled it was most likely set up by someone who was angery with the mother! ugh so i asked son what would you do if the above situation happened. he said yell at the man and go find a teacher. my daughter 3 said she would get into the car! but it didnt upset either one of them. i remember being a kid and my mom had a certian tone when she talked about seriouse things. she could use that tone and say the simplest thing like go slice the apple and it would make me on edge and upset me. to this day if someone uses the wrong tone it brings me to tears. . . no matter what the topic is! perhaps it was the setting or tone? i always try to speak matter of factly....like any topic.

In my opinion...you WANT them fearful! if they aren't scared they aren't prepared. you can't sugar coat something like this or make it sound better than what it is....you are doing them no favors by doing this.

example....I grew up in Detroit (and no not a suburb...nowadays we can play "let's drive by the old house and live) So I was very aware of the dangers that existed. One day I'm at my grandmas on the East side. We wanted to go a park that was about 3 blocks away....you go left out of my grandmas house, then turn left at the next street...go down 2 blocks and it was across the street. My grandma told me I could go...but that I had to cross at the first street....and go down on the same side as the park, she did not want me to cross at the park and walk on the left side of the street. I of course went the way I'd always gone and didn't listen to her. When we returned from the park she asked me...did you go the way I told you? I lied and said yes...she said good, because a kid got pulled into the woods that were across from the park a few weeks before. NOW...had she told me that...I would have went the way she told me and been EXTRA cautious....but she didn't and I didn't listen. She told me that she did not want to scare me and make me not want to go to the park at all.....I think the more I knew the better.

I was in a Sears once....and my son who was about 5 at the time didn't want to come into the dressing room with me....he wanted to play around outside of it...I was firm and told him no....he argued and threw a fit....I told him that he had to stay with me, and told him that the reason was because there was once a little boy about his age, that wandered away from his mother in a store just like this one, and they found him dead. (Adam Walsh) After telling him exactly the kind of evil that could be out there....he didn't try to wander off in stores anymore.

You have to be detailed...and you have to tell them. If you sugar coat it to try not to scare them...they won't recognize that they might be in a dangerous situation.

when my son got older and he wanted to start doing things like meeting friends at the beach or going to the mall....I taught him a couple of tricks. When he got there...scope it out, and find a mom that is with a few kids....then if anyone was following him...or made him feel uncomfortable...he should go up to this woman and say "mom, this guy is following me" ANY mom will help out in this situation!!

When my son was little I was in college full time during the days and worked at night until 10:00pm. Needless to say our schedules were crazy. His school had a before and after program that I was able to utilize which helped for the mornings, allowing me to take him to school before my morning classes. Unfortunately I was just starting work as his school day was ending which meant I had to rely on babysitters to pick him up from school, help with homework, and give him dinner. Finding someone to babysit nights isn't an easy task and often the sitters would change. One morning another parent offered to pick him up after school and let him hang out with her kids, his friends, and I could come to her house after work. My son had already gone on his way into class and there was no way to let him know of the change. He knew this parent so I just agreed to leave it up to her to let him know. While driving to class it dawned on me how easy anyone could tell him that I sent them to pick him up and because of our crazy schedule, he wouldn't question it. This really bothered me for the rest of the day. Well I wound up ditching my afternoon class so I could be at his school when he got out and let him know he was going to his friends until I finished work. I couldn't stop thinking about how easy someone could get him to go with them so I came up with a plan. My son and I came up with a password system. If ever someone said I sent them to pick him up, they would know our password. If they didn't know it, the plan was that he would run back into the school and alert a teacher. My son took our password system so serious that one day he refused to get in the car with his grandmother because she didn't have the password! Not only did I have a sense of security over the next two years until I graduated but I think my son did also.

In addition to the tips below, I feel it's important to add that your child needs to know that whatever happens in life, you will always, always, love and be there for them. This is the lesson that cannot be repeated enough, with words and by your behavior. Because difficult things of all sorts happen to our kids and we protect them when we can, teach them to protect themselves when they can, and when difficulties present themselves, that family will support one another always.

Well, right now my son is six and very often in adult company. He's a chatty kid and so we've talked less about 'strangers' and more about behaviors of 'good grown-ups' and 'bad grown-ups'.

Since he was pretty little, we've reviewed some things regularly with him. Like, what happens if the doorbell rings and Mama's in the shower. Do we open the door? NO. He knows that Mom and Dad have keys and know where the extra keys are-- we can let ourselves in. Good grown-ups won't want you to open the door--they KNOW that only mommies and daddies open the door. Even the neighbors will want you to keep the door shut if I am not there. Only bad grown-ups will ask you to open the door.

Likewise, we've talked about finding helpers when out in public. Every time, before we go to the zoo or another busy, crowded place, we talk about what do we do if you look up and don't see mom/dad. He knows to sit down and stay put, do not go looking for us. Only talk to other mommies and daddies with little kids, or someone with zoo identification tags on. (sitting down, the crowd has to go 'around' the child and they are thus easier to find).

We do this as a matter of course when we are out and about. We talk about friendly strangers (the mail carrier, people at the grocery store) and how good grown-ups never ask you to go away from mom/dad or come with them. If a grown-up loses their puppy or kitten or bunny and asks for your help, do you go with them? NO. Good grown-ups know that we don't do that-- we would ask another ADULT because the kids are meant to stay with their grown-ups. Good grown-ups ask just grown-ups for help.

We've also talked about what to do if a stranger puts their hands on you--even a friendly stranger. Scream, bite, wiggle your body hard, throw a tantrum... throw the biggest, maddest baby fit you can. You will not get into trouble. Good people know not to put their hands on you.

He has boundaries for playing in our front yard and knows that good grown-ups will NOT ask him to leave the yard for any reason. Good grown-ups will tell him to ask mom before he leaves the yard. Good grown-ups Do Not Ever ask him to leave with them for any reason, even to show them something. Good grown-ups will ask mom and dad first if they really want to give you something or show you something. If someone asks you to go out of the yard with them, come inside right away.

We've talked about private areas of our bodies (with proper words). We've talked about only being with your grown-up in charge. (Parents, caregiver/friend's parents on a playdate; teachers, etc.) We've also had some uncomfortable times out in public and I use those as teachable moments: "how did you feel inside when that guy was sitting by us on the bus" (someone who was 'off' or used bad language, etc) and talk about *where* we feel those uncomfortable, unsettled feelings in our body-- and that when he feels this way, to find a safe grown-up.

As a mom, I am on the more vigilant side, but I try to model how to be in the world: that there are friendly strangers who feel fine to say "hi" to and that there are other people who simply aren't safe. We have a lot of mentally ill homeless people in Portland, so plenty of questions come up. I think he's starting to become more aware of the people we politely ignore and those who are safer to talk to. He's still a cautious kiddo and more outgoing when he's with me... that's just his nature. If he has good news, he wants to share it with everyone under the sun-- so he still needs an escort most of the time when out in the world.:)

I used to urge my son to be friendly & say hello to everyone.
Until I started seeing men act funny towards him & one even followed us
around the store.
Esp after the 3 women rescued in OH. I'd rather my son be deemed rude
but safe.
I've told him that I would never ever send someone he did not know to pick him up. Only 3 select ppl wld ever pick him up & he knows them
implicitly.
I've told him bad ppl can try to entice him to come w/them offering candy, toys & ice cream. I've told him to run & scream for help. Yelling get away
from me. I don't know you."

So I no longer require my son to be friendly, talkative & outgoing.

I would rather have a child seen as rude AND safe.
I've always told him if someone tries to grab him to kick, hit, run & scream to get away.

I had a weird exp happen to me as I was walking through my neighborhood when I was 13. Luckily I ran screaming & he sped off in his car w/the door still open.

Better safe than in danger!!!

Sorry that your daughter got upset, but you did the right thing. Someone tried to abduct my girlfriend and I when we were nine. Wouldn't you know it, but my Mom had that talk about Stranger Danger a week earlier. So my friend wanted to go in the truck to get a free ice cream but I grabbed her and told her to run. I told my son when the time seemed appropriate because he was way to friendly with everyone. I really see no good in keeping children naive. Really what good comes from being naive?