How Do I Explain Stranger Danger to My Almost 4 Yr Old.

I also read "Protecting the Gift.' Great suggestions, as Mary details below. My daughter was so outgoing and loving, I really did not want to quash that as she brightened so many peoples' lives with smiles, hugs and cute comments. . The book helped me teach her guidelines and to trust her instincts, without saying, 'don't talk to strangers.' Since we talk to strangers as we interact in society all the time, this is confusing advice to children, in my view.

Safe Side DVD is just what you need. Seriously, it is wonderful. Kids can really relate to it. I show it to my kids periodically.

Here are some good books you can buy off of Amazon or wherever you would find a good selection of books:

Never Talk to Strangers by Irma Joyce
The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers

There are a few more, but I haven't read them myself. You could probably go on Amazon and do a search and read some of the reviews to help.

My daughter is a little young for this discussion, but I did work in Kindergarten and we would always tell kids that strangers were people that their parents didn't know. If you tell a child that a stranger is a person that they do not know, most will "know" the person upon saying hello and an introduction because that's how kids think. We told the kids that they should NEVER go anywhere with someone their parents didn't know and that they should not talk to them either. We told them to politely say that they needed to go get their parent or guardian (teacher, babysitter, etc.) because they couldn't talk to strangers.

We do also have to teach our kids that even family members, church members and neighbors can do bad things. It's sad, but true. My mom gave me a password that anyone who would pick me up from school would have to use. I always was picked up by my parents, but my mom wanted me to have a word to know that it was okay to go with someone else. The person only would know the word if they were to pick me up. She told me that no one knew it and that she would only give it out the day the pick up was to take place and that it would be changed after. We never used it, but it was there as a safety measure. She also told me to never let anyone in the house when I was there alone for ANY reason. She told me she didn't care who the person was, they did not have permission to be there.

I didn't grow up scared, but I was cautious of my surroundings and situations. I also was taught that my body was mine and it was not to be touched by other people unless there was a medical need for it.

It's a tough subject to talk about because we have to tell our beautiful babies that the world is a scary place and that there are people that can hurt them. It breaks my heart to know I'll have to do this with my daughter, so I understand how you feel.

Good Luck to you!

When teaching your children, modeling behaviour is the biggest way to set expectations. I can think of one time I watched a very young mom hanging out at a gas station picking up smokes scold her daughter who had a ciggie on her lips. You don't want your kids to smoke, don't smoke. Learning who to talk to, and how to stay safe is a LOT harder unfortunately, but you can model the behaviour of who you talk to and tell her why.

The fact is 90% of molestations/abductions are perpetrated by a 'known' relative, friend, or other person of trust. So just teaching your child to "not talk to strangers" is misleading and can be more dangerous than not talking to her about bad people at all.

You need to frame your discussion around keeping herself safe in ALL situations. IE, no one looks/touches/photographs your private parts. Except a Dr or mommy, and then it's only to keep you healthy when there is problem.

When you're out, do you talk to strangers? Yes, everyday. The bank teller, the cashier at the grocery, the random person at the park. You need to teach your daughter WHY you talk to certain people, and not others. Who to go for help, and who not to approach. EX, saying a
police officer' doesn't cut it. When was the last time you saw a police officer wandering around a park? I never have. However, there are lots of mommies, and mommies are usually safe if you're in trouble. What is 'in trouble', when you can't find mom, if someone comes up and starts a conversation with you, asks you to help them (do normal adults ask kids for help? no, it's a warning flag) etc.

When in a store, an employee will have a uniform of some sort, and a cash register is always located at the front of the store. That sort of thing.

I'd recommend you read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker.And Feather Berkower has an EXCELLENT workshop on Parenting Safe Children here in CO. http://www.parentingsafechildren.com/

And remember, this isn't a one time deal, there are 'teachable moments' throughout the day, it's an ongoing discussion. GL!

We have never taught "don't talk to strangers" because then who do they turn to for help if they can't find mom or dad? Plus, they watch us talk to strangers all the time (at the store, the row in front at the ballgame, etc). Rather we had a couple of very simple rules.

Rule 1 - you must be able to see me and I must be able to see you outside the house (stores, parks, etc). Thus, if they would have wandered into the next aisle, they would have been in trouble for not being able to see me. This was a hard and fast rule that resulted one day in my carrying a screaming child in a football hold for the rest of the shopping trip - but my point was made!

Rule 2 - If you can't find mom or dad, find a mommy with kids and ask for help. If there is no mommy w/kids then ask a woman. Statistics are so overwhelmingly on the side of asking a woman with kids that it makes it almost completely safe. Also, do you really want your kids asking a rent-a-cop for help? I wouldn't ask some of them for help as an adult! And to tell them to ask someone w/ a uniform (that would include police)....well, how many people are in "uniforms" in the grocery store and how can they really tell when they're looking up from knee height!

Rule 3 - if when you're talking to someone not mommy or daddy and there's any funny feeling in your tummy or you feel "bad" or just not right, its perfectly acceptable to scream "you're not my mommy (or daddy)" or "I want my mommy (or daddy)"

Last rule - and this is a biggie! It is our number one family rule - NO SECRETS! There are severe consequences in our house for keeping secrets. We have had lots of talks about people (of any age) that ask you to keep a secret are not doing a good thing - EVER! its ok to have surprises (like birthday presents) because it won't be a secret forever. But the word "secret" is a very naughty word in our house. this works not only against adult predators but also works against same age bullies.

I would second all the suggestions on reading "Protecting the Gift." I pulled a couple of great nuggets out of it (including the above) that made it worth the time to read it.

Because we never had to talk about "bad" guys before the age of 6 or so, my children did not become fearful .....

Good luck. I would try to encourage the outgoing personality - it will take her so far in life!

I have had this discussion with my 4 year old when we a level 3 sex offender moved onto our street. Granted she does not go outside alone EVER yet I did start to talk to her seriously about being aware of your surroundings and LOOKING at what is goingo n and who is around at all times.

I also talk to her about feelings and that if she ever has a funny a feeling to listen to it and run away or get help or tell someone. I just explain to her that not all people are nice so we have to be careful and if she is not comfortable with a person it is okay to not talk to them or be their friend.

It really worked for her at this age without having to get into unnecessary or confusing details. I tell her she can be friendly from a distance and that is okay until we know people better.

Go to the library or book store & find some kid- friendly books or DVD's on this topic. I know one book, "Never talk to Strangers ", but know there are many other good kids books others out there on this topic. I would see if there are any kid friendly DVD's too on this too so you and she,or watch with Dad then talk about the movie afterwards. I had the same talk with our now teenage daughter, at your child's age;it can be hard to explain the difference between a stranger who may take or harm her and just someone you may not know, like Grandmas best friend or a neighbor she may not know. Also another tool we used is to establish a "family password" for her to use too in cases where someone new ever needs to pick her up from school, lessons or a even a playdate. You use this word in the event of an emergency when you, or Dad can't pick her up and your plans were changed suddenly without her knowledge. To do this think of a "secret" word only immediate family members or those trustworthly to get her will know. Explain to her she can only only to go with that person if they can tell her the family password, (it can be a pet's name, favorite color or favorite stuffed animals name, a middle name or anything)as long as it is easy for her and you and Dad to remember. IF you ever have to use it then you must make a new password and let her know. Be sure also she knows that if a stranger or bad person ever takes her that all holds are off on being nice and having good manners. I told my little girl that if she is ever taken by someone she does not know she needs to yell and scream " Get away , I dont know you, You are a stranger!" then continue to scram, kick and scratch, bite, and hit until she gets away. Another tool my husband and I did was to enroll our daugher (with her interest) in a martial arts class for young children, she began at 5 1/2. It taught her more discipline, which was not an issue with her, self control, responsibility and best of all, self defense. Proudly we can say our daughter earned her black belt at age 11 after 5 yrs of training, she loved it and was a petite, non agressive little girl who now is pretty athletic. a good student and sure of herself. As a child now teen she rarely mentions this training, most of her friends do not even know she has achieved this or was even in martial arts. I commend you as a parent to be explaining stranger danger your child at this age,amd wish all others did so about age 3 too, your timing couldnt be better.
You are a good Mom :D

Safe side DVD series.
It's by John Walsh and explains everything very well, from knows, kinda knows to don't knows and what to do in different situations.
http://www.thesafeside.com/

you can rent it from netflix I think.

Another point you want to touch on is that not all strangers are bad guys and not all bad guys are strangers.

https://www.thesafeside.com/Store/Default.asp
I borrowed "The Safe Side DVD: Hot tips to keep Cool Kids Safe" from the library and thought it was a fantastic point of reference for me with my 4 year old.
We talk about "don't knows" and "kinda knows", how to stay safe, what to yell, and who her "safe side adults" are.
Really helped me explain WHY it is NOT okay to go around the Rec Center by herself, even though she knows her way around, I was able to explain to her that everyone there is a "don't know" and she really got it.
Good job mommin'!

A super resource is a DVD, entitled "Stranger Safety" by John Walsh (America's Most Wanted) & Julie Aigner-Clark (Baby Einstein). I found it at my local library. There are other safety videos he's contributed to making: "The safe side: Internet Safety" for parents of older children, and "Kid Safety Tips" as well.

I have no real advice except I went the scare route. It just isn't worth it to me to have someone walk off with them and if for now they are terrified of strangers then so be it. Now, just so you know, it does not take long before they understand that not all people are scary and that in fact most people are ok. So you don't have to worry about your daughter being horrified by all people she doesn't know and breaking her social spirit.

Another thing to keep in mind is that kids do watch what their parents do so be sure to point out all the things you do to be safe. For example, I am sure you say hi to people in stores and ask questions, etc. but you do not go with them. You make sure you are with each other in stores so as not to get lost from one another. One of the things that works real well with my daughter is I tell her I need her to watch out for me, not the other way around. She loves it and keeps a keen eye on me. I also make sure I am prepared before I go to the parking lot with my keys etc. I always look around my car for suspicious things and people. I am not a freak and obsess over it, I just take a quick look and be sure my kids do too.

Although precautions can be taken, even my 10 year old floats around without attention to the things going on around him sometimes. They still need reminders for many years. Your daughter will get it and be just fine.

Good luck.

My cousin recommended a DVD video to me. Its not that expensive... Its a joint effort by Julie Clark, (creator of Baby Einstein) and John Walsh (host of America's Most Wanted). Its called the The Safe Side's first video, Stranger Safety: http://www.thesafeside.com/

It does a good job in introducing the topic and its also good if mom/dad to watch with your child (re: certain points about who you want your kids to consider as their "back-up safety adults".) My cousin said her kids (age 6 and 3) actually ask to watch the video over and over. My daughter (age 4) also has asked to watch it repeatedly (7 times now-?), although we've only had it 3-4 weeks.

that is such a tricky question because at the same time, we don't want them to fear all people or hide behind your legs whenever you are talking to someone they don't know.

I hope either someone out there suggests a kid's book with great graphics to walk them through it. You can read it once a week to help it get ingrained in them on how to respond. If not, go to Amazon books, use a keyword search, read the synopsis and the reviews.

If she goes to Sunday School, ask if they have a program on that to help underscore it.

They have speakers that will come to speak to kids in a class situation anywhere -- and to parents at work. You ask, they come. Google "Stranger Danger speakers" and see what you get. They have really good information that helps underscore what you can do and what the kids can do.

Lastly, seriously, give them self-esteem. Victims are chosen because they look shy or look down when they walk. They just look defenseless and weak. Karati, gymnastics, etc., help them feel empowered to be strong and have a physical plan, not just (Say NO and run away). That's too littl but a good FIRST step.

There's a good Berenstain Bears Book called "Learn About Strangers" that might help, if she likes Berenstain Bears. The trick is keeping your child safe and aware without scaring her!

My six year old gets annoyed that i ask her to hold my hand, but i tell her it's because i don't want to get lost or she'll hold her sister's so Sami doesn't get lost. It's hard when we try to keep them confined but honestly until my girls were 5 or even a little older (til i couldn't pick them up any longer) i had them in the carriage - regardless of how much attitude they'd give me. Or I'd give them a job of crossing things out, helping me spot the items i need & stuff. My husband was a police officer for many years and still dispatches so i hear about all that goes on. It's scary as hell and just the thought of something happening. I'd rather deal w/a fresh child then worrying about what may happen to them. One thing that still helps at times is the car carriages - i pretend we're racing down the aisles - turn at the last second & make a game of it like others do i'm sure. It is a sick world out there and although we'd love our children to grow up thinking nothing but unicorns and wishing wells exist, I have shared stories my husband has told me with them. I don't want to take away their childhood, I just want to be a part of it. Well, good luck!

I would find out if there in a RADkids instructor in your area. It is a wonderful program that teaches kids about strangers and gives them training in what to do if they are abducted or approached by a stranger.