Stranger Anxiety - Saint Paul,MN

I think it is completely normal...my youngest started this quite some time ago...he runs to me now, wants up and then just puts is head down....like now they cannot see me...then he will look up and if the person is still standing there he will put his head back down ... rather cute actually...

I don't think it will determine if he is shy or not in a year or two...

My daughter never did that but... we were always on the go and busy busy people. She loved attention from ANYONE who give it to her. Likes to show off. And my daughter is now 6 years old and the personality part is pretty much the same. She'll go order something at McDonalds by herself while I watch from afar and is very independant but I'm responsible for atleast some of this because of the environment and situations I've introduced her to. After I was an extrememly shy child/teen I always hoped for a child that wasn't so I've kinda tried a little harder maybe to make my daughter not shy. My daughter is also a only child so if she want's playmates it's on her to go introduce herself or ask if another child want's to play. With personality I think they are who they are but you can have some influence too. Like my daughter is also extremely girlie and feminine and I'm not at all I was always a tomboy. I got away with dressing her a little tomboyish as a baby and there's no way I could get away with that now. I used to absolutely hate soccer and now I'm a soccer mom.

Absolutely normal! He's obviously firmly attached to his primary providers (you, daycare), but he's realizing that others aren't you! This is a normal stage, but he is also starting to show you his personality, and it's OK to be cautious around other people. Now is when you can start accepting him and who he is (not everyone has to be the center of attention, life of the party type - it's OK to observe and take things in before you decide who you want to hang out with)and help him with skills to facilitate change and new relationships. He's young, but you can talk him through different scenarios (going to the gym), show him pictures of Grandma or others he might be shy around, so when he sees them he's a little prepared. Your consistancy when you have to leave him is important too, use the same reassuring words each time and don't make a huge deal when you have to go somewhere. He WILL be OK in different situations, but if you stress, he won't adjust as quickly. My daughter was the same way and she's a wonderful, poised, outgoing 17 year old!
Be a calm and confident parent and that will help him the most!
K.

My personal opinion on stranger anxiety is that it can come at any age. Two of my 4 children had it starting at 6 -8 months of age(earlier than what is considered normal). One actually would scream! every time a male would come near her (UPS man, etc.). We laugh about it now. I was with my child(ren) every day so that makes a difference too. They were used to me as the main caregiver. Children need reassurance and time to transition caregivers so allowing extra time for dropping off is essential. They also can sense if mom is okay with dropping off or if she has some anxiety too or not. One thing I have learned from my 10 plus years as a childcare provider is to let children come to me when they are put in a new situation and/or give them their space and interact with them through non touching activities (peek a boo, patty cake, singing or acting silly, showing them pictures in a book). Maybe this is something you can suggest to others to give your chld time to warm up. If it was me being taken in to a room where I knew no one and just left there, I would feel anxious too. My 2nd and 3rd child were less scared as usually they had a sibling. Hang in there. It is a phase and some day you will be able to smile.

My older son (26 months old) started stranger anxiety very young, around 5 months old and he still isn't fond of people he doesn't know very, very well. My younger son is just now starting it and he'll be 1 year old on Feb. 3rd. I think it has more to do with their personality than how much you have them around strangers. My older son was in daycare and used to go everywhere with my husband and I. My younger son has never been to daycare and with my husband travelling more we don't get out as much. My younger son is just more social personality wise.

A.,

My eight month old just started the same thing. It is totally normal and how long it lasts depends partly on his personality and partly on how you handle it, but it doesn't have to determine how he will be a few years from now.

My oldest started stranger anxiety at age 3 months and it lasted a few months. She wouldn't even go to my husband! I played peek a boo with her a lot to teach object (or people) permanence; just because you can't see it doesn't mean it ceases to exist. I walked out of the room for short periods of time or handed her to people and even left her for short trips. Babies really need to learn that "mommy always comes back." Of course there will be some tears - possibly weeping, wailing and gnashing of baby teeth. :) But I have seen what happens when parents go to great lengths to avoid separation and eventually they have to deal with it, but with a much older child and it is MUCH worse. This is one of those things you want to get over with quickly - the sooner the better.

Then my first outgrew the stage and now she is a big time social butterfly. She knew everyone at school, including the staff, by the second month of kindergarten.

My second was fine being left with anyone in the family, but we had to find situations where he would be left without his sister so he could learn to be independent. His separation anxiety came much later, and the first few months of drop off at the church nursery consisted of peeling him off my leg and letting him cry for a good 15 minutes. Again, he got over it and now loves the independence of going to preschool alone. He won't even let me walk him to the door. He wants to be the big boy and can't wait to ride the bus to kindergarten.

My third was fine as long as a warm body was in the room, so separation anxiety wasn't much of an issue because young children always have to be supervised. He freaked out a few times I left him, but never consistently.

So now, with number four, I will be glad when, hopefully in a few months, she realizes that mommy always comes back, just like everyone else figured out.

I have taught preschool, Sunday School and elementary school and my best advice is to be very happy and smile when you separate and make the goodbyes VERY brief when you leave him. Or you can get him involved in something and walk out the door when he is too busy to notice. I know some experts advise against this because they say it will make the kids paranoid, but my experience has been just the opposite. Parents totally make the situation worse when then fall all over their kids before they leave or come rushing back and rescue them out of the situation. They are trying to help, I am sure, but it just traumatizes them.

Best of luck,
S.

A.,

I think it's the right age for this. Usually happens about 6 - 9 months, so he's right out there.