9 Month Old with Separation Anxiety?

Bonnie, my daughter is 5 months and acts the same way. In fact similar situation where my husband also works from home and I own my own business so have been able to spend much time with her too. She freaks if we are not next to her and paying attention. I totally understand the shower thing too! I can also occasionally get her to play in her crib with toys or on the floor, but it is not long lasting. I am looking forward to hearing other responses too.

Our little guy is the same age and within the last month has demonstrated the same behaviors. We both work and he has never minded going to "baby school", but now he gets weepy when we leave. His teacher assures me that he's fine within minutes, but it's heartbreaking.

The worst thing you could do would be to try and distract her so you can leave. She'll just get more upset. We give him a kiss and tell him that we'll see him later. He gets upset, but this too shall pass! It's entirely developmental and is usually gone within a few months.

Hi Bonnie,

Like everyone said, that's totally normal, and totally frustrating. But it IS a sign that your daughter's development is right on track and that you've done everything right as a mom :)

When my son was that age, I just put him in his baby swing on the bathroom floor when I took a shower. He had mostly outgrown the swing by that point, but he was willing to be in it in the bathroom for whatever reason. That also allowed me to do basic bathroom functions without a baby scrambling all over me.

Hope that helps!

Mira

I agree with everything Hannah said. If you don't fight it it will pass it is just a phase. One more thing I would love to add. I actually read this from another Mamasource poster that playing peek a boo can also help. It sounds like a great idea and worth a try. Good luck!!!

9 months is the age when separation anxiety starts but don't worry, it doesn't last. Don't expect her to understand that papa is just in the bathroom for a few minutes. At this point, when you are gone from sight is is as if you've disappeared forever. Play a lot of peekaboo with her, where you duck out of the room and peek around right away. Laugh a lot and make it fun. I suggest getting a good back carrier and carrying her more. This will make her more secure and ready to be independent. You cannot force independence. Bring her into the bathroom with you when you take a shower. You can play peekaboo through the shower curtain. This stage won't last forever but she needs to be nurtured through it.

Bonnie,
Absolutely. You are lucky you get a shower. You are lucky it is both of you and not just you, that you can tag team to get stuff done. You might try putting the pack and play in a central location as you are getting ready for things. That way you can see her, she can see you passing from room to room, and she can see what is going on.

My little guy gets tearful if I leave him with Daddy (and I think it is partly Dada's fault bc he didn't want to get up with him in the night, didn't want to be the one who ran to him if he cried, etc.) He is happy with his emergency sitter while I am there, but when I leave, he runs from door to door, trying the knobs and saying 'Mama', getting a little more tearful as time goes on, and at least he plays in between now, but he is very upset when I finally come back. I only have the sitter when I absolutely have to (when we had a toy break and spill little lead balls everywhere! THAT was not fun!)

Good Luck, I think you are doing an awesome job seeing to your daughter's needs. This won't last forever. Enjoy the hugs while you can.

M.

This is the age that separation anxiety begins She's just learning about what they call object permanence. She'll get over it, but it's important for you to go about your routine, and that means leaving her alone for a few minutes at a time. She'll get over it. If you don't, you'll only have more problems as she gets older.

I think this is actually very normal, though you're probably exhausted and ready for a break! :)

I don't believe in trying to force babies to "get used to" not having mom or dad around, during separation anxiety stages. (And this really will come and go!) Because this is such a natural part of infant and toddler development, and shows a healthy attachment to parents. That's a good thing- you've done a great job at making sure she feels secure and loved!

That being said, you can definitely be very calm and reassuring during her hysterics. If you go into the other room for a minute, talk to her so she can hear you. Calmly tell her you'll be right back, and don't be gone more than a minute or two. When you really need to get something done, put her in a sling or backpack. She'll get to be near you, and also see that you have a life that involves other people/things besides her! (But still be comfy and happy, literally attached at the hip.)

Many people will tell you that this spoils your child, and will keep her from becoming independent. But my son was just like your daughter, and he's now fiercely independent! (Almost 14 months.) I still carry him in a carrier when he wants to be close, but he can play for over an hour on his own. He checks to make sure I'm around, and then goes about his business. He plays with other kids and his toys, reads his books, etc. It's a joy to see him so happy and independent, but he still cuddles and wants to be carried too. The best of both worlds!

Try different things for your daughter. Every baby is different. But don't feel bad about carrying her a lot, or keeping her close. She really will grow out of this stage. Though she'll come back to it a few more times before she's done!

**Oops, I forgot to add one other thing that helped us! If you sit near your daughter while she's playing, but don't constantly interact with her, that will help too. (Read a book, do a crossword puzzle, etc.) Same goes for when you carry her around. She'll learn to do her own thing, while still having you there for security. Good luck!

She is learning about things and people leaving her view. She doesnt understand that they will come back yet or for that matter where they have gone. Does she throw things out of her high chair and stroller and then you pick them up in what seems like a never ending game? This is how babies learn. One thing that will help is playing peek-a-boo. Start by hiding behind your hands, so she can see part of you and then behind a towel that covers all of you. Make the time behind the towel real quick at first, then a little longer. Teach her to hide behind her hands. And laugh a LOT while playing. Then when she gets used to the game try hiding behind the door and jumping out saying peek-a-boo. Here I am!! She will soon learn that you havent gone forever and you will have lots of fun in the process.

Welcome to Parenthood! When my kids started that crying when I left, I played a game with them. If I had to use the bathroom, I would, naturally, close the door; but I would talk to them and say, "Knock, knock, who's there?" If I could reach the door I would knock on it. I also encouraged them to knock, and it bacame a fun game. Then I would say their name and say, "Mommy's going potty. I will be right out." or I would sing a favorite song; anything so they would know I was still there for them. After a while it seemed to calm them down. Also, if you haven't already, start playing "peek a boo!" Use a light cloth, like a clean kitchen towel or an infant blanket. If she won't leave it on her head, just drape it and pull it slowly off her head over her face and keep saying, "Where's (baby's name)" Then say, "Mommy found you!" Eventually, this will help. You must remember that to a young child, "out of sight" really means you are gone! They have no clue where you went. To them, you just left and who knows if you will ever return? I used to put my boy in his playpen when I had to work in the kitchen. He couldn't see me, so to stop his crying, I'd talk to him constantly and peek around the corner often. Eventually, he got the message that I was still there. Later, I could just sing or put on some music; but it's always best to keep your own voice going as long as you can. Your child will learn to respond or relax knowing you are still in the house. At this age, too, your child is starting the bonding process. It is important that she bonds with both Daddy and Mommy. I'm not suggesting you pick her up every time she cries, but she needs to be held and cuddled and made to feel secure. This need for cuddling and hugging will go on for at least another 9 months when she's 18 months old and toddling around independently. Until then, make sure you talk and peek around the courners and say, Here I am! Peek a boo! There's (child's name). Here's Daddy/Mommy! As your daughter matures, she will learn to be more relaxed for the few minutes you can't be within eyesight.

Hi Bonnie,

What you are describing is totally normal, don't worry! All children have separation anxiety to one degree or another. It's a part of their development. My first child struggled with it a great deal more than her younger brother. Our puppy even went through it!

Your daughter's fears are real to her. Games such as Peek-A-Boo and Hide and Seek are very helpful because they will help her to understand that even though she can't see you, you are still there. Also, if you have to leave the room for whatever reason, you may want to try to remain in voice contact with her. Talking to her, singing to her and reassuring her that you will be right back should help. "Mommy always comes back" is something I said to my children countless times. It must have had an impact; they repeated that to the puppy when she was struggling with separation issues!