Stopping Kids from Sleeping with Mom and Dad

I had the same problem when my son was 3. What worked great for me was a chart. If he stay in bed all night he got a gold star. After so many stars he got to go to the dollar store and pick a toy. Also if he got in my bed in the middle of the night I didn't make a big deal out of it I just walked him back to bed and tucked him in. When he stayed in his own bed I told him how proud I was.

If they don't even realize the kids are there, then it must not really affect their sleeping pattern. If they all sleep comfortably and no one is disturbed and they don't mind the kids being in their room, just advise her not to worry about it. Soon enough, they will want to be in their own rooms by themselves. Sweet dreams!

Just tell her she's not alone. My girls always slept in their own beds but my son ends up in bed with me everynight also and I never realize it. The therpist says it is due to my husband's multiple deployments and the unease so I don't know what to do either. I do have a sleeping bag on the floor beside the bed with hopes he will ease into that.

Good luck,
D.

Hi M., I've been where your sister is at before too. It is hard! I do have to say I was very Laid back about it. I think it bothered my husband more than me. Back then we only had a double bed so it was snug. Once we moved up into a bigger bed size that did help alot! I think it's normal for kids to do that and i think they will grow out of it. BUT something that did help was I took his bed out of his room and put it into ours. Then a day or two later, i would move it about a foot or so down the hall away from our room. Every couple days I would repeat that until he was back in his own room. It worked great!! Of course from time to time with bad dreams or storms he would make it into our room which was more than fine. I liked having that extra "snuggle time" with him! So that's the only advise that I have. And of course make sure he has something to snuggle with at night. His fav bear or blanet. What ever he likes. That always gives some extra security. I can see how your sister may subconciously (sp) be wanting to keep him near her with his heart issues. I know I would. But if everyone is ok with the situation than I would let it run it course. Best of luck to you and your sister! She's lucky to have such a caring sister to watch out for her!!

does this bother your sister and her husband? if not, then i say let them keep on doing it. My 8 year old and 3 year old still do that. 8 year old (son) not so much. But the 3 year old (girl) does it probably 6 x a week. Personally, if I didn't like it, I would walk her back to her room. But, I do like it. I have never taken my kids back to their room. I enjoy sleeping w/ them. Some people don't, or can't b/c it's not comfortable. I kinda figure my son and daughter will be telling me to stay out of their rooms when they are teenagers, I may as well grab what opportunities I can to snuggle with them now.

Here's an article your sis might want to read.
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html

While we do not co-sleep, I spend plenty of time snuggling with my kids. Those of us who do not co-sleep are not forcing our kids to grow up any faster. If you sister is ready for the co-sleeping to stop, I think a reward chart is a great way to start. She has to decide that she is ready though because if she says one thing, but does another, her children will easily pick up on it and be right back in her bed the next night.

here's how i solved a very similar situation. it's a great method for an older, intelligent child like your nephew.

1. sit down with child and discuss reasons to make the change. lead him to contribute his own ideas and write them down.

what are the disadvantages of this behavior (getting into mom's bed)? examples: "mom doesn't sleep very well and then she's crabby the next day." "when dad tells me to go back to bed, i feel bad."

what are the advantages to making the change? example: "i'll feel so proud of myself for accomplishing this." "mom will get a better night's sleep have more energy to play with me during the day."

2. the fun part and extremely motivating for my son -- for each night that he stays in his bed, he gets a clue which leads him on a hunt for a little prize. example: "i am pink and near the sink" and he finds a pack of bubble gum behind his toothbrush.

there is a fantastic hunt like this in the book "rewards for kids!" http://www.amazon.com/Rewards-Kids-Ready-Use-Activities/d...

it is set up as a map, with 21 or so clues written on 21 or so rocks leading to a treasure chest (grand prize) - i made that one a trip to chuckecheese. the idea is that it takes about 3 weeks to ingrain a new behavior.

also, now he has a new advantage to add to his list "i will get a secret grand prize."

3. support him. it's a tough change to make. if he is scared, allow him to go to bed with his door open & light on. if he can't fall asleep alone, sit right outside his room with a magazine until he's asleep (no talking!) if he is overactive, get him some stories on cd to listen to.

good luck!

I don't think years of co-sleeping would have anything to do with a child waking up too much. My daughter has co-slept with us from birth. She is 7. She sleeps by herself sometimes and we leave it up to her. We recently set up a room for her. She decides when she'll sleep there. But no matter where she sleeps she has always slept through the night. I think she's on the verge of giving up co-sleeping on her own.

Our 3rd daughter had sleep apnea and it was because her tonsils were too big. We kept her with us to watch over her. She sleeps quite well with no issues and has since her tonsils were removed.

Sleep disturbances are unique to people. Some people have medical or mental reasons for them. Some people just need less sleep than others and are afraid to miss something in life.

I'm one to fall asleep easy but get up a lot. I never remember sleeping through the night. I can't look back to a time or thing in my life that started it from when I was a kid. My lifestyle doesn't make it any better. But the question is do I keep this lifestyle because of my sleep patterns? Or do I keep the sleep patterns because of the lifestyle? I think it's the former.

But about kids sleeping in their parents beds.. They aren't little forever. I wish more people would love on their kids now while they have the chance than pushing them to grow up and then complaining when they all move out. I've said goodbye to 3 adult daughters now and know how fast things are going with my 4th. Tell your sister to enjoy snuggling.

Suzi

M. -

You and I both know the best way to curtail this problem is to never let it become a habit in the first place! I was a single mom when my daughter was little and I know how that can happen. She had her own room and bed but slept with me for years. When I got married my husband said NO MORE! She was 5 when we got married. It was such a HUGE struggle undoing the years of co-sleeping. She is now almost 15 and has always had sleep issues (mainly has a hard time staying asleep and frequently wakes up throughout the night). While I can't be sure, I think the years of co-sleeping could have something to do with it. I would tell your sister that story and also let her know she could be creating issues beyond sleeping problems if she continues this. Maybe she could start some sort of incentive/reward program for the boys for sleeping in their own beds/rooms. A marble jar worked really well for my son. He earns marbles for good behavior and marbles are removed for poor behavior. She could give them a marble for each night they stay in their rooms. Letting them put one in the jar each morning when they have stayed in bed all night. They could work up to something small at first then a bigger prize. A big fun prize would be all night at a hotel that has a pool and double beds! :) She is going to have to also get in tune with when she feels them crawl into their bed and immediately escort them back to their own beds - it will make for some sleepless nights but will get easier with consistency. Once they get no pay off for sleeping in mom & dad's room then they will get into a new routine of sleeping in their beds and they will be proud doing so! My daughter was so proud when she woke up in her own room! Best of luck to her and the boys! The most important thing is the sense of accomplishment they will get from knowing they can do it! :)

This trick worked for me, we explained to our daughters that they were Big Girld and they had their own beds, and we expected them to sleep in them. We told them that if they were "scared" and had to come to mom & dad's room they could sleep on the bed that I made for them next to our bed on the floor. This "bed" consisted of a blanket spread out on the floor with a pillow and extra blanket to cover up with. When they climbed into our bed they lost a "Big Girl" privilege ie tv, computer, leapster ect. When they stayed in their own bed they got an extra "Big Girl" privilege or got to stay up 15 minutes later. When they slept on the "bed" in our room nothing was said or done. They grew tired and uncomfortable sleeping on our floor every night (which they did for about a month) and started to stay in their own beds. The "bed" in our room is still there, just folded under the bed. When they get scared now from bad dreams, storms, ect they pull out the bed, but that really only happens about once or twice a year. I hope this works for her, if not there is so much great advice on here I am sure she will find something that works. Good Luck!

I had the same problem with my daughter, and even her being ill at a very young age. (she is fine now)
I cut a deal with her and bought her a puppy that sleeps in her room at night. It worked.

I would say if your sister and her husband aren't worried about it, why should anyone else be? It's there business. There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping with our children. Eventually, they will outgrow it on their own. People, all too often, are ready and willing to push their kids into things they are not ready for - potty training, sleeping in their own beds, etc. Kids will learn naturally and organically if we just allow them to.

K.

Hi! My name is A. & I am a co-sleeper. My husband is a firefighter and is gone every 3rd night - that is when I enjoy cuddling with my kids (age 6 & 4). When I started letting my kids sleep with me it was more for my sense of security. I was scared something might happen & I would have to get both kids out of two different rooms on my own. Now it is just habit. However, my kids know that when Daddy is home they cannot sleep in our bed. We do let them sleep together - they get to pick whose room to sleep in & they stay there all night. I think this is building a very strong sibling relationship - after all, I grew up sharing a room with my sister who is now my best friend. All in all I say enjoy these days, too soon they will grow up and not want to be around us much at all!!!!